Shorts

Eight Villainous Plots Against Christmas
by: Protoclown

Everyone's familiar with Dr. Seuss's Grinch and his dastardly plot to ruin Christmas by stealing everyone's Christmas gifts. He's easily the number one most renowned Yuletide villain. But though he may be the most infamous, he's by no means the only Christmas villain out there. Plenty of other wicked ne'er-do-wells have tried their hand at spoiling the Christmas season (many of them more than once!), either for their nemeses or for the world at large. Here's a short list of some of these villains and how their plots went down:


Dr. Doom

Dr. Doom's plan to spoil the Fantastic Four's Christmas was one of simple spite, as many of his jealous schemes against rival Reed Richards are. Doom sent his Doombots to the Baxter Building in the middle of the night, where they carefully bypassed Mr. Fantastic's state-of-the-art high tech security system in order to alter the building's external Christmas lights display. New Yorkers woke up the next morning to see the gigantic message "RICHARDS LOVES THE COCK" decorating the side of the building in multi-colored lights. Unfortunately, his plan backfired when the Invisible Woman, Mrs. Sue Richards, sent Doom a holiday card explaining that yes, she does love Reed's elastic, super-stretchy cock, thank you for noticing. She then went on to describe her love for the cock in excruciating detail. The card included a crude crayon drawing by Ben "The Thing" Grimm. The results left Doom in a twitching, near-catatonic state for weeks.


Gargamel

Gargamel's wicked scheme against the Smurfs was a fairly obvious one: capture these tiny Belgian communists and turn them into morbid corpse ornaments for his Christmas tree. Gargamel's cat Azrael gave him the idea when he captured a smurf snooping around Gargamel's house. Gargamel saw the dead smurf dangling from his cat's mouth, and then his eyes happened to glance over at his sparsely decorated, pathetic-looking Christmas tree when the light bulb went off over his head. His scheme was actually somewhat successful, for a change, as with Azrael's help he managed to collect a few dozen of the little blue bastards. The only downside was that they rotting corpses started stinking up his home. Fortunately for the smurfs, Gargamel was only able to capture "extras" who don't really have names or developed personalities, and since those little fuckers are a dime a dozen, the smurfs wrote them off as acceptable losses.


Emperor Palpatine

Emperor Palpatine's plan to destroy Christmas once and for all for the Rebellion was quite possibly the most sinister scheme he ever concocted. He got his hands on a copy of the Star Wars Holiday Special, which he had previously been using to torture rebel prisoners, and decided to broadcast it throughout the entire galaxy, on every station, network, and frequency available. Naturally his own troops had warnings to avoid all broadcast media during that time, but the Rebels, having no such warning, had a rash of suicides for up to several weeks after the incident. And then, to make matters worse, he wrote an autobiography of his rather lame life and the disappointing story of how he recruited Darth Vader. He then put the writings into a rocket ship and sent them off into space, eventually finding their way to a little out of the way planet called Earth where they would fall into the hands of a young filmmaker named George Lucas...thus allowing Palpatine to disappoint all the girls and boys of that planet and make them cringe anytime the word "prequel" is mentioned. It's the gift that keeps on giving. (Not herpes--I mean, really, do you think anyone ever had sex with Palpatine?)


Mumm-Ra

Mumm-Ra's evil plan ruined any hope for Christmas by having his Mutants destroy all of the stores on the primitive world of New Thundera (both of them!), which sent the Thundercats into a depressive funk, having no outlet for their catlike rampant consumerism. They became sweaty and lethargic, and Lion-O even gained ten pounds as he continually stuffed himself full of rum-soaked Christmas treats. It took Panthro, the uh, "urban" Thundercat to save the day. Being an avid celebrant of Kwanzaa, he was unaffected by the seasonal depression that assaulted the others and decided to give his compatriots the gift of seeing him beat Mumm-Ra's ass, relieve himself upon him, and then wipe his own ass on Mumm-Ra's protective bandage wrapping.


Cobra Commander

After his failed Christmas telethon gambit of '87, Cobra Commander took out a full page ad in the New York Times calling Santa Claus a "pussy" and challenging him to a fist fight in Times Square at noon on Christmas Day. The Joes knew that when the nonexistent Santa didn't show, children everywhere would ask uncomfortable questions of their parents, so Duke got a Santa suit and prepared to go whoop Cobra Commander's ass. He soon remembered he's a total waste of space however, and so recruited Roadblock to handle the Santa duties instead. When "Santa" showed up for the fight, he found Storm Shadow waiting for him with his katana, shuriken, and other deadly ninja implements. When he asked "What the fuck?" Cobra Commander reminded him that he never said that he would be the one doing the fighting. And that's how millions of children saw Black Santa get sliced in half on national television.


Megatron

Unlike the others appearing on this list, Megatron and the Decepticons aren't real, but if they were, they would have enacted a plot from a scripted but unanimated episode of the Transformers cartoon, in which Megatron and his wicked robo-cronies created a gigantic "space ray" that would turn all the conveniently rectangular gift packages under every tree across the world into energon cubes for Soundwave to come and harvest while the children of the world slept. (Hey, if he can turn from a tape player to a giant fucking robot, and Santa can get to all houses in one night, it's possible). All unusually shaped packaging would be converted into unstable energon, which was left behind as unusable and dangerous. This usually resulted in a catastrophic explosion when little Timmy came downstairs and excitedly unwrapped his "gift".


Skeletor

Sitting bored in his throne room one day, hanging around staring at the walls and doing whatever else it is that one does while occupying a throne, Skeletor suddenly announced his intentions to "rape Christmas like a scrawny prison bitch" to Beast Man and Evil-Lyn. Unfortunately for everyone, Orko usually dressed up in the role of Santa Claus during the Eternian holidays, so it was he who Tri-Klops and Trap-Jaw kidnapped and brought to the highest peak of Mount Manass, where Skeletor dropped trou and violated the diminutive wizard for all of the world to see. You see, it was unfortunate for everyone, because with Orko's true nature being a mystery all this time, no one realized that he was actually a miniature black hole wrapped in blue elfin skin. When Skeletor pierced his fleshy covering, his containment suit was breached, and a swirling vortex was created, sucking in everything in its vicinity, and eventually engulfing all of Eternia into its hungry maw. "Merry Christmas" indeed.


Richard Nixon

Back in December of '72, Mrs. Nixon proposed the idea that she and her husband perhaps not swap gifts that year and make donations to charity instead. A jealous, enraged, smelling-strongly-of-liquor Nixon vowed that if he couldn't get Christmas booty under the tree, then no one would. He called an emergency session of Congress together at 3 am, in order to get Christmas officially canceled throughout the country. The two Congressmen who bothered to show up (one with a hooker in tow--she was getting paid for her time, after all) explained to Dick that he couldn't do that, at which point he became belligerent and threatened to put them on a rocket to the moon. Which then gave him the idea to round up all the children's gifts from under their individual Christmas trees and launch them in a rocket to the moon. And that's why NASA hasn't had any manned moon missions since then. There's a treasure trove of presents just waiting up there, and they're afraid the astronauts taking part in the mission will invoke the "Finders Keepers" rule.

So now you see that Christmas is under constant threat from outside sources, not just these holiday flyers that brutally attack it by daring to cheerfully announce "Happy Holidays!", but from other villains who sit in darkened corners of darkened rooms, their hands folded into chin steeples as they grin menacingly and plot its ruin as well. Just keep in mind as you celebrate with your loved ones this year that there are all kinds of dastardly fiends who will stop at nothing to spoil your holiday cheer, so you can at least be happy that the disappointing box of underwear you just opened wasn't a box of deadly nerve gas. Because it very well could have been.

Questions or Comments about this piece?
Protoclown

If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out:


My Favorite Christmas Movie Assholes

Reader Comments

Can't touch this
Dec 18th, 2008, 08:55 AM
You kidding? I've been asking for nerve gas for Years!
taco loving zombie
Dec 18th, 2008, 10:19 AM
cobra commander did cheated he never said he was gonna fight but he did said it was gonna be a fist fight
Amicable Herculean
Dec 18th, 2008, 10:40 AM
You know, jusst once I'd like to see Doom succeed in one of his sinister schemes. I've begun to feel sorry for him. That damn Reed Richards is such a smug bastard, going on and on about how the power of family will always triumph over evil..
Riot Control
Dec 18th, 2008, 08:08 PM
I really need to see Santa sliced to bits on national TV.
Member
Dec 18th, 2008, 10:22 PM
You forgot about the time when Krang and the Shredder converted the tree in rockafeller plaza into a giant robotic body and Krang used it to shoot mutagenic "presents" into the crowd, turning the rockettes into a strange breed of cat/potato hybrid.

And yes, I'm off my meds tonight.

Merry Christmas!
Member
Dec 18th, 2008, 10:25 PM
Oh btw... I think you confused Megtron with Nixon. Don't be embarrassed, it happens a lot. Nixon is imaginary, while Megtron was a corrupt republican president.
Forum Virgin
Dec 19th, 2008, 04:03 AM
You should have mentioned the Daleks, that would have been freaking awesome! =) ^_^
The Ugly Puckling
Dec 19th, 2008, 08:58 AM
Daleks get no mentions ever! If we admit the existence of Daleks, we admit the existence of Britain, and if we admit that Britain exists then we have to admit that British Columbia exists and you don't want that on your conscience, do you?


Dumb Canadians, all hairy, mispronouncing words like "been" and any word with the letter O in it, all the while being scared of the dark. They're horrible, horrible creatures!
The Geminate
Dec 20th, 2008, 05:45 PM
Waaaaaahhhh! You ruined my Christmas. May God save us all...or at least me.
Member
Dec 20th, 2008, 06:24 PM
Wait, that episode of G.I. Joe doesn't exist?
pickled
Dec 20th, 2008, 07:11 PM
Duke never does anything right.
after enough bourbon ...
Dec 20th, 2008, 11:50 PM
I knew it! Tricky Dick was into more than just obstruction of justice - it was really obstruction of CHRISTMAS. THAT RAT BASTARD!
The Moxie Nerve Food Tonic
Dec 31st, 2008, 10:25 AM
There is no end to the dark complexity of Richard Milhouse Nixon. Historians will be plumbing his depths for years to come. And that, Proto, is my Christmas gift to you,in return for all of your excellent efforts over the last year. The use of the phrase 'plumbing his depths' in a sentence whee the object is 'Nixon'. Make any one of the million possible rejoinders, or simply swirl the idea around in your brain like fine cognac. Happy Holidays and thanks for making me laugh, especially with the one about the African American 'Joe' getting cut in half.
Forum Virgin
Jan 14th, 2009, 02:08 PM
Whadda about the Jokers plot for Christmas??? His plan to dessimate Joker-toxin saturated wrapping paper into all the Wal-Marts of the world? I think it might have worked had he not offed himself with teh painkillers & Pop Rocks (a lethal cocktail!!!)....
Forum Virgin
Mar 31st, 2009, 08:22 PM
And Here I Thought Richard Milhous Nixon was a villainous and EVIL plot against the citizens of the United States Of America...
Nuts...
Forum Virgin
Jan 8th, 2010, 12:42 PM
That's awesome that Megatrons plan not only worked but that the autobots didn't even try to stop him, and that you used Soundwave in role that actualy mattered. Maybe you should have written the script for revenge of the fallen.
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