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The Ten Most Dangerous Toys of 2006!
by: Protoclown

Parents beware! Though you may think that buying up all the hot new toys for your children this holiday season is the only appropriate way to show your love, the message you may actually be sending your child is "Here, Timmy, ENJOY THIS DEATHTRAP! I'LL SEE YOU IN HELL!" To help you avoid that embarrassing blunder, I've compiled a list of the Ten Most Dangerous Toys of 2006. Oh sure, you've probably seen this list on news websites and the like, but they don't get into the real reasons why these toys will kill your child faster than last year's popular "Let's Play Soldier" Napalm Blast Kit™.

Go-go Gadget Lameness!
1. Heelys
This tennis shoe has a single skate wheel in the heel, turning the shoe into some kind of half-assed roller skate.

Why is it Dangerous?
This one is obvious: because it only has ONE FUCKING WHEEL! This incomplete roller skate (that somehow costs more than many whole roller skates) is clearly a bad idea. Would you hop on a bicycle with only one wheel (no, not a unicycle, a bicycle)? Get into a car with three wheels missing? How about a skateboard with only one wheel? Kids just want to have whatever items are popular so they can "look cool", but since when did it become cool to fall on your ass with every step?

And yet it still leaves a better taste in my mouth than the TV show did
2. Fear Factor Food
These "candy" pouches contain such wonderful surprises as "spine-chilling spiders", "mystery meat", and a "buzzard buffet", encouraging kids to challenge each other to see who has the biggest balls by determining who can stomach the most of this shit.

Why is it Dangerous?
Many parents seem to have an issue with candy in the first place, due to its unholy connections to the Dark Lord Satan through his sinister holiday Halloween, but I think it's much simpler than that. Back in college, one of the dining halls I frequented was discovered to have boxes of meat near the dumpster out back labeled "Grade F But Edible". But even I know to avoid "mystery meat" that wasn't even good enough for Taco Bell. Then again, how is this mystery meat candy a "toy" anyway?

Because throwing a water balloon with your bare hands is too hard?
3. Z Launcher: Turbo Water Balloon Launcher
This water balloon launcher can fire balloons up to 100 ft with "Direct Hit Accuracy". A warning in the package says to never throw balloons at unsuspecting people, and never throw balloons at people within 20 feet, but let's face it, those are the only two types of people worth throwing a water balloon at in the first place.

Why is it Dangerous?
Well, frankly, it's a "different world" in these dark, terror-ridden days of 2006, and any cop who happens to see a child playing with this brightly-colored plastic contraption simply can't take the risk that it's not some authentic terror-device cleverly concealed as a children's toy and that your child isn't actually in the employ of Al-Qaeda. After all, who's to say these "water balloons" aren't actually filled with anthrax or some animal's urine? I'm afraid they're going to shoot first and ask questions later, and my blind sense of fear exacerbated by watching too much prime-time news tells me that's the only course of action available to them.

Learn how to start your own pyramid scheme!
4. Pyramid Stacker
No, this isn't some kind of crazy pyramid scheme for kids, nor is it some kind of bogus "space saver" that's going to destroy all the data on your hard drive; rather, these are innocent looking stackable blocks that all but the dumbest child should be able to stack correctly on the first try, and then never want to bother with again.

Why is it Dangerous?
They say that your child can suffer puncture injuries if he or she slips and falls on the pointy top of the pyramid. Oh sure, it doesn't look very sharp, but if your little darling somehow gets on the ceiling fan and builds up enough momentum before launching off, or if your child is playing atop the Empire State Building and takes a tumble before crashing onto this pyramid on the street below, then this toy could be very dangerous indeed.

I'm sure those rubber suction cups are perfectly safe for your eyes though.
5. Bow and Arrow Set
This set includes wooden arrows that have rubber suction cup tips for sticking to targets.

Why is it Dangerous?
These wooden arrows may have rubber tips, but they are easily removed, allowing them to be launched without the soft, pillowy protection that the suction cup normally provides. Of course, I doubt they'd fly more than three feet anyway, but if your children don't decide to have an eyeball-stabbing contest with these narrow shafts of wood, I'd be surprised.

6. Zip-Ity Do Dolly
This doll is designed to instruct your child how to button, zip, and snap clothing, so they can dress their own lazy ass for a change so you can finally focus all your attention on guzzling boxed wine and watching soap operas.

Why is it Dangerous?
Come on! A doll that encourages your child to undress it and "play doctor" by exploring its plastic body parts? If the doll is halfway anatomically correct, your child is going to grow up to be some kind of sexual lustyfiend, and if it's not anatomically accurate at all, your child will probably develop some kind of bizarre sexual fetish that can only be sated in Japan. Also, the danger that it could turn your son into a "goddamned queer" should be painfully evident.

He won't be fighting the Red Baron today...
7. Lil' Snoopy Pull Toy
This plastic dog makes playful barking sounds and rolls along on the floor behind your child when they pull the string.

Why is it Dangerous?
Aside from the obvious danger of teaching your child that copyright infringement is a-okay (come on, does that even look remotely like Charles Schultz's "Snoopy" instead of a transparent cheap knock-off?), the dog's leash is long enough that your child could form a makeshift noose and hang themselves, were they so inclined. Also, in some cases, children may hear the dog's voice in their head telling them to kill their parents and giving detailed instructions on exactly how to tie a noose.

His costume is gay enough... does it really need the glitter too?
8. Superman Lamp
This glittery Superman Lamp is sold in the toy department of most stores, so your child will likely expect it to provide more entertainment than simply lighting up. It also contains a warning instructing users to "unplug the product when leaving the house, when retiring for the night, or if left unattended". Oh yeah, that sounds safe.

Why is it Dangerous?
I'm looking at this lamp, and I'm trying to figure out just where in the hell it actually lights up. Does Superman's whole head light up, encouraging you to put a lampshade on top of him, thus inadvertently illustrating his wild party-animal side (and setting a bad example for the children)? Unlikely. I think, rather, when turning on this lamp, Superman shoots red lasers out of his eyes that can burn through solid steel. Just like the real Superman. Only far more glittery. But honestly, your children should probably not wield the destructive power of lasers.

Don't talk to strangers... except to alert them!
9. Sky Blaster
This little rocket launches into the air, achieving spinning flights if you bend the fins, and contains a warning not to aim at "the eyes or face of a person as an injury could result". It also instructs that users must "alert all within range when launching Sky Blaster".

Why is it Dangerous?
It's an all-too-likely scenario that your obedient little child, while approaching complete strangers to alert "all within range" that he or she's launching the Sky Blaster, that they will encounter all sorts of unsavory characters, like gypsies just waiting to sell children on the black market, paranoid ex-KGB operatives with itchy trigger fingers, and angry men with Tourette's who reflexively punch children who approach them in the face.

Didn't I see these in Pee-Wee's Playhouse?
10. Crib Decoration: Blossoms
This string of gay flowers specifically for use on your child's crib or stroller confusingly contains a warning cautioning you "not to attach to crib or playpen".

Why is it Dangerous?
Aside from the multiple obvious choking hazards, this toy has the potential to turn your child into some kind of flower-loving hippie later in life, which I think is far more dangerous than choking on a little plastic ball.

So don't say I didn't warn you. If you end up buying any of these toys, and the terrorists win as a result, it'll be all your fault. I figure there's not really that much risk in your purchasing them anyway, since none of them look like the slightest bit of fun, and if your kids do want any of these toys, you must have the most horrendously boring children in the world. So you go along and have fun raising your future accountants, and we'll raise our kids with fun, safe toys not on this list, like firecrackers and saw-blade throwing stars.

Questions or Comments about this piece?
email Protoclown

If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out:

Stupid Toys: Part 3!

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