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We can build a better Darth Maul
by: -RoG-

So at the 45-family yard sale that I recently went to, I managed to pick up some pretty good stuff. I snagged some old Playstation games for dirt cheap, a Mattel electronic classic baseball game, a "Mr. Mouth" board game, and yes... my very own Darth Maul 3-D Figure Painter set.

Open up the package! I can't breathe in here!

I can't believe this thing originally retailed for 10 bux, then again the amount of Star Wars merchandise that was in stores when "Episode I" came out was fairly absurd anyway. I got this thing for a mere 50 cents. No, I don't like Darth Maul, nor do I like Episode I. I just figured this would be a great opportunity for me to vent... all for 50 cents.

Collect all 3 so you can waste ALL your money!

There were 3 different paint figures that you could purchase, but how do they expect me to paint Darth Maul exactly the way he's pictured in the photo when they don't even supply all of those paint colors? His yellow eyes are one of his trademarks, but there's no yellow paint provided? Pfft. 10 bux my ass.

squeeze it and smell the stench of Sith ass

As you can see, instead of being a nice ceramic statue, the thing is made of cheap plastic. This is definitely disappointing, because if the paint job came out crappy, I'd at least want the satisfaction of being able to throw it into a wall and smash it into a thousand shards. Actually, I'd probably want that satisfaction even if the paint job came out nice. It is Darth Maul we're talking about here...

Mother Theresa!?

At first glance, the unpainted statue kinda looked like Mother Theresa to me. Granted, Mother Theresa wasn't an evil Sith warrior as far as I know, but I'm sure she could kick some ass if she was pushed too far.


Now Darth comes with a clear plastic lightsaber, but he can just as easily hold the paint brush. He can also hold a lollipop quite nicely too. Sure, he doesn't look as threatening, but you gotta admit - it'd be pretty damned amusing to see a bunch of Jedi and Sith warriors fighting with oversized Charm's Blowpops. Hell, now that's a movie I'd pay to see. Seeing all of them fight with lollipops is one of the only things that could salvage Star Wars Episode I in my eyes.

I bet Picasso used these same paints!

Great, so not only do they barely supply you with enough paint to get the job done, but the stuff is practically dried out. Fortunately, I was able to use a little bit of water to get the paint ready to go. And so, rather than try to paint Darth Maul in the suggested fashion, I decided to give the chump a makeover.

It still needs a lil' something more...

Much better don't you agree? He's now a blind Sith with bleeding eye sockets. He's also part-robot, hence the metal hands and feet. Still, I couldn't help but feel that something was missing. I didn't feel that he looked like a fighter anymore. Instead, he just looked like a guy who was about to shove a flagpole into the ground. Well, Darth didn't have a flag, but I wasn't going to let that stop me. So I loaded up my label printer and voila!


Now THAT is a Darth Maul who could easily please any true Star Wars fan. THAT is a Darth Maul who should have been in Episode I. THAT is the only Darth Maul that anyone could look up to. In fact, I don't think he should even be called Darth Maul any longer. His new name is "Bloody Eyes McDoogle" ok?

There's only one in existence. Now, we all know that a hand-painted statue by yours truly is worth MILLIONS, but I'm going to auction it off on eBay and start the bidding at a measly $9.00! So here's your chance to own a priceless piece of art. Good luck!

click here to place a bid!


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