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My Funny Internet Cat Page!
by: Max Burbank
 

So I'm surfing around the Internet the other day and I found myself thinking, "If you took away all the porn, what would be left of your surfing?"

Not so easily said as done, mostly because as my boss will tell you, once I get looking at porn on the web while at work, I pretty much can't stop unless you turn a fire hose on me! But to be fair, recent studies show that 99.9995% of all web sites are either gambling or pornography, and I have a gambling problem.

Anyway, a few friends in the IT department showed me how with a complicated series of filters, it's possible to find the .0005% remaining non-porn non-gambling sites, and I was astounded to find that the internet has a lot of very amusing pictures of cats looking funny or doing funny stuff, often with funny captions!

Well, I'm funny, and I do like cats, and there are a lot of cats in my neighborhood, and I sure do have a lot of free time on my hands since the Boss said "It's either internet porn or your job, Burbank, these water bills are killing me!" SO! In little more time than it took to fill up my house with a whole lot of cats and take pictures of them doing funny things, I had my own funny and cute Internet cat picture page created!

While I intend to make this a thriving internet business, a local businessman I met lurking outside my kids school tells me it's best to give the first 'taste' away 'free', so hold on to your 'hats' folks! 'Cause I'm told that when your 'sides split' your 'hat' often falls off, and these pictures of funny cats are true knee-slappers, which can also make your 'hat' fall off!

RUFUS


HAH! This is my cat, Rufus, and is he a hilarious little scamp, or what? He cracks me up, with this look! It's like he's saying "Oh, boy, is my human taking a picture of me again?! I have so had it with that." He's got that look on his 'puss' 24/7 and it never fails to cheer me up! Like the other day, my wife says to me, "I swear to God, I can't take you getting fired anymore! One more time and I am so leaving you!" Well, I gotta tell you, I felt pretty down, but ol' Ruf just gives me that look of his, like "Man, just how long did you think she was going to stay with you anyways?" I had to laugh!

Now he's all "You did WHAT?!" I think that is so funny, the way his eyes are all big and shit, like he's totally surprised by my behavior and a lot of the time I'm not even doing anything when he looks at me that way. He's hilarious!

Okay, in this one he's just sleeping which admittedly is not that funny, but it certainly is cute, right? The way he's sleeping? He's just so CUTE! Like he's just going, "Look, I'm sleeping here, can you shut up? I'll go with your wife when she leaves and then what will you be? Lonely, that's what."

So, as much of a laugh riot as Rufus is, I found some cats that were even funnier! Now, don't get jealous, Rufus! You're MY cat, which means you're not going to the shelter when the photo shoot is over! I'm just kidding, I'll just shoo 'em all out the back door and if they end up in a shelter I guess that's God's will.

WHISKERS

This is my downstairs neighbor's cat Whiskers, and I caught him in my laundry hamper!! And he was like "Oh, am I in your laundry hamper? How did that happen?" Like it just happened all on it's own or like somebody picked him up in the hallway and took him upstairs and put him in the laundry hamper to take a funny picture! ALL cats are natural comedians, but Whiskers has this ultra-dry sense of humor that really makes me laugh! The Laundry Hamper!!

ORSON

Actually, as priceless as this picture is, cats don't get this fat unless they are really, really sick. But its not like my not taking a picture of it would cure it. And I'm pretty sure you laughed before you thought about how sick he must be, which I did too. His name isn't really 'Orson'; I just call him that after Orson Welles who got really obese before he died.

KARATE KAT

This is a neighborhood cat I lured in with some food, and he does the most hysterical stuff if you wait 'til he's sleeping and set off an air horn right behind him! He's soooooo funny and cute, the way he jumps up and he kind of goes "WAAAAAH!" I thought it looked like he was trying to do karate, so I call him Karate Kat, even though what he's actually doing is freaking out over a loud unexpected noise. Listen, pictures these funny don't make themselves!

BOOZECAT

Doesn't it look like this cat I found is drunk and watching TV? I think this is so funny, but I guess only if a cat does it, 'cause did my wife ever yell at me when she found me in this exact same position when I told her I was going to be out job hunting. And here's something ironic, while this picture is very, very funny, getting it was anything but! My forearms were clawed to hamburger before that cat was drunk enough to just lay there like that!

NANA AND POOPSY

Boy, thank God for fast shutter speed! 'Cause this picture sure didn't stay funny long. I tried and tried to think of a funny caption for it, but having been there I just can't even though I know this is a funny picture. I guess if I was more of a dog person than a cat person I could think of one.

BUSTER AND LILO

Okay, this is weird, I was TOTALLY able to come up with a funny caption for this one, but the EXACT SAME THING happened as with the last dog and cat shot, except even less was left over! What's that about? Honest to God, comedy is a mystery.

MISSYCAT

Okay, this is a little cruel. I could lie and tell you Missycat likes water, I mean there are a few cats that do, but I think if you look at the picture you'll see she's not one of them. I think you have to admit; it's a funny picture though. I mean look at the eyes! They're huge! It's like she's going, "OH GOD, OH GOD, I'M SO AFRAID OF WATER, JESUS, JESUS, SOMEBODY HELP ME, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!"

JIMMY

Okay, strictly speaking I'm pretty sure Jimmy isn't a cat, but seriously while I don't know what the hell it is, I'm guessing it's totally illegal for the Johnson's to have one, which is where I found it in a cage in a room that otherwise had tropical birds and one monkey. What I'm saying is, I don't think it's something the Johnson's will report, which is just as well, because after what happened I can't give him back. I just wish it hadn't happened so fast, because if I somehow could have got the whole scenario after he escaped on video, my funny cat web page would be famous, even if Jimmy obviously isn't a cat. Especially the part where my wife comes in and it jumps up on her face and I'm already coming at it with the broom. LOL gold, my friends. LOL gold.

Questions or Comments about this piece?
email Max Burbank


If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out:

Penny For Your Thoughts, Sad Clown?
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