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G.I. JOE File Cards: Part 1!
by: Protoclown
 

As a child of the 1980s, I was into many of the popular toy lines that had cartoons which were basically nothing but half-hour commercials: Transformers, Masters of the Universe, and Thundercats to name a few. But my favorite by far was G.I. JOE. No other toy line (with the possible exception of Transformers) could even begin to compete with the vast array of colorful characters, each one having unique and memorable personalities that injected them with a life that many lesser toy lines lacked. Each figure even came with a dossier "file card" on the back of its packaging, giving you all the necessary info you could want on the character.

The man behind these file cards (except for the one written by Stephen King) is Larry Hama, who wrote the entire 155-issue run of the G.I. JOE comic book published by Marvel. This is the book that got me started reading comics, and it will always hold a special place in my heart for that reason. Larry Hama is the man who gave so many of these characters their unique personalities, and while there were some definite differences between the comic and the cartoon, I don't think there's any one person who had more of an influence on what G.I. JOE was all about than he did. Sure, a lot of the characters seem a bit ridiculous now, but in such an endearing and awesome way that I still find reading the old comics or watching old episodes of the cartoon highly entertaining.

And so it is with utmost respect and admiration for what Larry Hama and ALL the creators responsible for G.I. JOE did that I now totally make fun of them. After all, I figure if I can't make fun of something I love, I don't have any business writing humor. If you're too young to have experienced G.I. JOE in the 80s, you don't know what you missed out on. If you ever have a chance to watch the old cartoon or get your hands on the old comic, I strongly urge you to take a look at what is in my opinion the best toy/cartoon/comic phenomenon of all time.

I hope to continue parodying these old file cards in batches like this, until I've eventually touched on most of the characters (or at least the worthwhile ones). But since a franchise is only as good as its villains, we're going to get the ball rolling right with a handful of COBRA's elite upper echelon:

Cobra Commander!

Destro!

Baroness!

Storm Shadow!

Zartan!

Questions or Comments about this piece?
email Protoclown


If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out:

G.I. Joe File Cards: Part 2!
G.I. JOE FILE CARDS: PART 2!



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