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The
other day, I was flipping through the channels on the TV looking for
something to leave on in the background while I did some work on my
computer. In the course of my flipping, I came across a relic from my
youth: The Guyver. I couldn't remember the details of the
movie, but I was sure that it would be far better as background noise
than whatever crappy, overplayed movie Comedy Central was showing at
the time.
For those of you who aren't in the know when it comes to early 90s
science fiction, the Guyver is a live-action version of a Japanese
cartoon from the mid-80s. Why someone in Hollywood thought it would be
a great idea to make a live-action version of a Japanese cartoon is
beyond me. Anyway, it concerns a race of genetically altered humans
called "Zoanoids" and their pursuit of a mysterious artifact called
the Guyver. What exactly they plan to do with it is never fully
explained, but it's a moot point since a series of events leaves the
"unit" in the hands of a short-tempered martial arts student. As you
can imagine, those of you who are lactose intolerant should avoid this
movie on account of all its cheese.
Anyway, I was watching the movie the way I typically watch TV, with my
back to the TV, when I thought that I heard a somewhat familiar voice.
It came from the movie's stereotypical token black guy, the kind that
every early 90s sci-fi cheesefest had; the kind that would belt out
such memorable lines as "lez get dis sucka" and "sheeeeeiiiit!" In
this case, I was sure I had heard the actor before, but I couldn't
guess who he was. Thanks to the miracle of the Internet Movie
Database, I soon found the answer to my question, and I didn't even
need to turn around and get a good look at the guy.
The answer was quite a surprise. As it turns out, the actor in
question was none other than…
Jimmie "JJ"
Walker. Kid Dyn-o-mite. The guy who fell off the face of the earth
after his one popular show got canceled. He actually appears in the
movie with fellow washed-up actor
Mark Hammil, who will never be
anything more than Luke Skywalker no matter what he does. Anyway,
Walker's character a guy named Striker, one of the Zoanoids searching
for the Guyver. Like all the Zoanoids, he appears to be just a regular
human, but can change into his Zoanoid form at will. Behold:
Each
Zoanoid appears to be based off of some animal (the elephant Zoanoid
is particularly amusing), but I can't figure out what animal Striker
is supposed to look like. A mule? An iguana? To me, he really looks
like some sort of midpoint between the smart gremlin from Gremlins and
infamous Star Wars character / racial epithet Jar Jar Binks. I refer you
to my charts:
As far
as fitting the bill of a stereotypical black guy goes, Walker nails
the part. He even favors the audience with a few impromptu raps
pertaining to whatever situation he's in. Here's one he sings about
looking for the good guys in an abandoned warehouse of some kind:
"Come out, come out,
wherever you are,
MC Striker's looking for you near and a'far.
You'll never, never have to hide anymore,
Cuz you can come to Uncle MC Striker's store.
We're here, we're there, we're everywhere,
Come with us, you have no fear."
I'm not
exactly sure why he chose to sing that through a toilet seat. Perhaps
it was his way of indicating to the audience that his rapping is
shitty.
It's
also worth mentioning that unlike your typical run-of-the-mill token
black guy, Striker actually lives to see the end of the movie. Well,
he doesn't SEE the end of the movie because he's just a character, but
you know what I mean. He even gets the last line of the film. Guess
what it is.
"Dyn-o-mite!"
That's right, JJ,
just keep digging that hole.
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