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The Guyver
by: Dr. Boogie

The other day, I was flipping through the channels on the TV looking for something to leave on in the background while I did some work on my computer. In the course of my flipping, I came across a relic from my youth: The Guyver. I couldn't remember the details of the movie, but I was sure that it would be far better as background noise than whatever crappy, overplayed movie Comedy Central was showing at the time.

For those of you who aren't in the know when it comes to early 90s science fiction, the Guyver is a live-action version of a Japanese cartoon from the mid-80s. Why someone in Hollywood thought it would be a great idea to make a live-action version of a Japanese cartoon is beyond me. Anyway, it concerns a race of genetically altered humans called "Zoanoids" and their pursuit of a mysterious artifact called the Guyver. What exactly they plan to do with it is never fully explained, but it's a moot point since a series of events leaves the "unit" in the hands of a short-tempered martial arts student. As you can imagine, those of you who are lactose intolerant should avoid this movie on account of all its cheese.

Anyway, I was watching the movie the way I typically watch TV, with my back to the TV, when I thought that I heard a somewhat familiar voice. It came from the movie's stereotypical token black guy, the kind that every early 90s sci-fi cheesefest had; the kind that would belt out such memorable lines as "lez get dis sucka" and "sheeeeeiiiit!" In this case, I was sure I had heard the actor before, but I couldn't guess who he was. Thanks to the miracle of the Internet Movie Database, I soon found the answer to my question, and I didn't even need to turn around and get a good look at the guy.

The answer was quite a surprise. As it turns out, the actor in question was none other thanů

Somebody call Bookman!

Jimmie "JJ" Walker. Kid Dyn-o-mite. The guy who fell off the face of the earth after his one popular show got canceled. He actually appears in the movie with fellow washed-up actor Mark Hammil, who will never be anything more than Luke Skywalker no matter what he does. Anyway, Walker's character a guy named Striker, one of the Zoanoids searching for the Guyver. Like all the Zoanoids, he appears to be just a regular human, but can change into his Zoanoid form at will. Behold:

I'm out of chapstick.

Each Zoanoid appears to be based off of some animal (the elephant Zoanoid is particularly amusing), but I can't figure out what animal Striker is supposed to look like. A mule? An iguana? To me, he really looks like some sort of midpoint between the smart gremlin from Gremlins and infamous Star Wars character / racial epithet Jar Jar Binks. I refer you to my charts:

Don't feed Jimmie Walker after midnight.  George Lucas, you're an ass.

Who's gonna brush my teeth?

As far as fitting the bill of a stereotypical black guy goes, Walker nails the part. He even favors the audience with a few impromptu raps pertaining to whatever situation he's in. Here's one he sings about looking for the good guys in an abandoned warehouse of some kind:

MC Commode.

"Come out, come out, wherever you are,
MC Striker's looking for you near and a'far.
You'll never, never have to hide anymore,
Cuz you can come to Uncle MC Striker's store.
We're here, we're there, we're everywhere,
Come with us, you have no fear."

I'm not exactly sure why he chose to sing that through a toilet seat. Perhaps it was his way of indicating to the audience that his rapping is shitty.

It's also worth mentioning that unlike your typical run-of-the-mill token black guy, Striker actually lives to see the end of the movie. Well, he doesn't SEE the end of the movie because he's just a character, but you know what I mean. He even gets the last line of the film. Guess what it is.

Can you tell what I had for lunch?

That's right, JJ, just keep digging that hole.

Word to your mother.

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