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Shorts!

Kid Chameleon - Helmet Hoopla!
by: Dr. Boogie
 

The title character of Kid Chameleon has worn many different hats in his career. Well, helmets would be more accurate. Anyway, each one of these helmets was good for something, but no one helmet could do everything. Thatís not an acceptable answer in my book. The Kid had nine different alter egos, and I aim to get to the bottom of which one of them was the best. Now, I know most of you know Kid Chameleon like the back of your hand, but statistically, there are bound to be a few of you at there who know nothing about video games of video games within video games. Therefore, Iíll preface this battle royale with a brief description of each of the contenders:

With a little carbon, he could be Steel Knight.
Iron Knight

His is the first identity youíll assume, and so heís already got an early lead in our competition. Plus, heís the toughest of the helmet warriors, with a whopping two hit points over the next runners up. Combine all that with his climbing ability and youíve got yourself one fierce competitor. Unfortunately, his one major drawback is that heís just a bit too heavy, and a lot of jumping could end with him stuck in a hole, or worse.

Tranquil warrior.
Red Stealth

Next in line is the guise of a fearsome samurai. His sharp sword can make mincemeat out of dragons, giant skulls, skull tanks, and even pesky blocks in the floor. Heís also the most fleet-of-foot, boasting the fastest foot speed and the highest vertical leap. Of course, this can work against you when youíre on slippery terrain, especially when there are pointy things about. Worse yet, he canít hold is ground on ramps or hillsides, and will slide all the way to the bottom and certain death.

Shoulder pads are sooo 70s.
Berserker

If you need something moved in a hurry, heís your man. Just give him a few steps and heíll put down his head and charged like an enraged rhinoceros. With a tail. Not really sure what thatís about. Whatever the case, those horns can be quite deadly to certain enemies, and the charge can break down weak walls and displace the stronger walls. Unfortunately, itís still not strong enough harm quite a few enemies, and if the enemy is off the ground even slightly, youíre screwed.

Totally unique. Just look at the red eyes.
Maniaxe

So many positives to cover here: Of all the helmets that stare right at the player when no moving, his is the most intimidating; heís got a great balance of speed and strength; heís got an endless supply of throwing axes; and all this from a completely original character with no ties to any other character in a hockey mask and coveralls. Indeed, things are really looking up for this guy. He could easily take the prize in the contest, so long as he steers clear of Kane Hodder.

Kaiser Exterminente!
Juggernaut

What can I say? Youíve got a skull wearing a Kaiser helmet riding in a tank that shoots skulls. Itís like he rolled right out of an Iron Maiden album cover. Obviously, itís hard to match this guy in terms of firepower. Even the tiniest and peskiest of enemies will be hard-pressed to dodge a cascade of bouncing skulls, so thatís definitely going to give him an edge. Plus, itís a tank that jumps, and that will remind the viewers of Blaster Master, so heís got that going for him, too. Unfortunately, that whole tank body thing works against him, too. Heís one of the tougher competitors, but heís also the largest moving target, being both tall and wide.

Nice tracksuit.
Cyclone

Remember when you were a kid, and you used to spin around in circles until you fell down? Well, if you wouldíve shown a little more dedication, you couldíve achieved flight just like Cyclone. This guy can go just about anywhere in the level, and as long as youíve got enough twitch in your thumb, you neednít worry about dropping into any unexpected pitfalls. Just beware of motion sickness.

Have you seen my car keys?
Eyeclops

This guy could prove to be some serious competition. That outlandish visor and quasi-futuristic vacuum cleaner allow him to glimpse the unseen. Previously hidden blocks, even teleporters, will be revealed when swept over by a blast of his search beam. It could even be set to harm enemies. Unfortunately, that takes jewels, and if we start taking jewel powers into account, heíll be left behind by some of our other competitors. Moreover, green is this yearís black, and black is this yearís orange, so you can see how that would be a problem for him.

He still has a T-shirt and jeans?
MicroMax

Getting toward the end of our list, we have this flyboy. He can stick to walls and he can crawl into small spaces. Plus, all those extra eyes in his head allow him to see the world in ways you and I can only imagine. Of course, if you were to lose the helmet after you crawled into one of those tight spots, youíd be in a... tight spot. Heís got an uphill battle ahead.

Undershirts go under your shirt!
Skycutter

Cool, a hoverboard, just like in Back to the Future! And the Kid gets a pair of green sunglasses, too. Youíre gonna need a pair of those if you intend to hoverboard on the ceiling. One big problem, though: no other safety gear in sight. If he falls off that board, who knows how many knees and elbows he could lose. Still, heís plenty fast on that thing. Maybe that will work to his advantage. And maybe that will take away from the fact that he can never come to a complete stop unless he flies into a wall. Maybe...

Alright, now that the introductions have concluded, letís start the competition! First up, itís Red Stealth vs. Eyeclops!

Good poker face. vs. The glare is blinding.

The competitors are squaring off with each other now. Red Stealth is making his charge at the hapless Eyeclops! Heís drawing close and... Oooh, Eyeclops just revealed a waist-high block right in front of the samurai. Oh, thatís gotta hurt! Red Stealth is regrouping. Heís looking for an opening, but Eyeclops is keeping his one, long eye focused on... something. Red Stealth is going for an aerial attack this time! Eyeclops is going for a repeat of their last exchange, but whatís this? Yes, that forceful ďhoowee!Ē is as clear an indication as you can get that Red Stealth is busting through the block with his famous ďsword pogo stickĒ maneuver! Things are not looking good for Eyeclops! Heís hitting Red Stealth with another search beam. Oh my, it looks like all that the search beam has uncovered is the hidden rage beneath that samurai helmet! And now his green helmet is red. Oh dear, now all the blocks that Eyeclops revealed are disappearing once more. Talk about adding insult to injury!

Winner:

Red Stealth!

 

I always think of this when I see a football helmet. vs. Wings stolen from Captain America.

Both competitors are taking off in their respective directions! Berserker is putting his head down for a bull rush, and Cyclone is spinning right Ďround baby, right round! Heís taking off into the sky, and the Berserker has passed harmlessly beneath him! Berserker looks angry now, folks. Heís stomping his footing and glaring at the airborne Cyclone. Whatís this? It looks like Cyclone is trying to bait Berserker by dipping down to just within his maximum jumping height. Berserker is taking the bait! Heís airborne now, looking to stomp the wings off of Cycloneís helmet. Ooh, a narrow miss, and now heís falling back to earth. Oh my god, his tail has gotten caught up in Cycloneís whirlwind! The two of them are really spinning now and... I think... yes, there goes a wide arc of vomit from Berserker. The crowd does not look pleased. Cyclone is speeding up now. What does he have in store for the nauseous Berserker? *snap* Ooh, there goes Berserkerís tail, and now heís skipping across the pavement. I donít think his neck is supposed to bend like that.

Winner:

Cyclone!

 

The single ostrich feather makes the helmet work. vs. Time to barf on my food!

The Iron Knight is scanning the battlefield in search of his opponent! Thereís no sign of him so far. Heís spotted MicroMax now, clinging tenaciously to his leg and... letís say climbing it. The Iron Knight is trying his best to shake him off, but this fly isnít going anywhere! There, heís done it! MicroMax is off his leg and preparing for his next deadly strike! Iron Knight doesnít appear overly concerned and is maintaining a confident stance as the... Hold on, ladies and gentlemen! A third figure has entered the ring! Whoever he is, he doesnít look too happy! I think itís... yes, itís actor Jeff Goldblum, best known for his role in the film Transylvania 6-5000. Heís running over to MicroMax, and now thereís some sort of scuffle taking place. Ooh, heís beating MicroMax to death with his shoe! Oh, the humanity! MicroMax is trying to say something now, possibly a movie reference of some sort, but all thatís coming out is a wet gurgle. The Iron Knight is just shrugging at this point.

Winner:

Iron Knight!

 

Comes with a pre-molded brow. vs. The speed lines make it go faster!

This should be an interesting match, folks. Maniaxe is starting things off the way he usually does: by throwing an axe. Skycutter dodges it easily with his patented ďlook at me, Iím upside-down!Ē defense. The crowd loves it, but Maniaxe seems less impressed. Skycutter is doing a few stunts now to wow the crowd, and now heís coming back down to get this fight started in earnest. Hmm, Maniaxe seems to have disappeared. Skycutter is making a slow circle of the arena, searching for his opponent. If he doesnít find him soon, heíll win by default. *chchch kakaka* What was that? Thereís some sort of strange noise filling the arena, folks. *chchch kakaka* This is a very strange development, and it seems to be getting to Skycutter. Heís looking around nervously. Victory doesnít seem quite as assured for him anymore. *chchch kakaka* Maniaxe has appeared suddenly behind him! Whatís that in his hand? It looks like a... sleeping bag? I donít know what to make of this, folks, but heís cramming Skycutter into that bag, and now heís got the bag slung over his shoulder. Oooh goodness gracious! Ladies and gentlemen, heís swinging that sleeping bag against a tree? Who put that there? Again and again and again he swings it! And now heís unzipping it. Oh lord, it looks like a hundred pounds of ground beef and cherry cobbler in there. I think thatís the end of the match.

Winner:

Maniaxe!

Alright, folks, for our next match we... hold on a moment. Ladies and gentlemen, Iíve just been informed that Cyclone is no longer in the competition! It seems that a very dizzy Cyclone was stumbling around in the locker room after his fight with Berserker and bumped into Juggernautís tank. Well, I suppose you canít fault Juggernaut for taking advantage of the situation and blasting Cyclone to custard. I think that qualifies as a victory, and good thing, too. Lord knows itís hard enough trying to make a tournament bracket with an odd number of participants. Anyway, itís time to start the second tier of our competition!

vs.

This should be interesting, folks. Red Stealth has assumed a fierce fighterís stance, and Maniaxe is rubbing his thumb along the edge of his axe. The air is thick with tension. There they go! Theyíre locked, weapon to weapon with each other! Each one is putting on his most fearsome expression, one assumes. I canít really tell with those masks on. Annnnd... theyíve broken off! Theyíve pushed back from each other, and now theyíre moving back in for more. Whatís this? Red Stealth has stopped, and now heís staring at his own foot! The move is certainly confusing Maniaxe. He doesnít know what to think! Red Stealth is checking out the bottom of his shoe right now... oh, looks like he stepped right in the dog poo. The arena is littered with hazards, people. He doesnít look too happy with that and now heís produced a second, smaller sword from his belt. Heís discarded his sword, and now heís raising that smaller one up for a power strike! Oh my, heís just jammed it right into his own stomach! It would appear that the shame of stepping in that dog waste was just too much for him. Heís whispering something to Maniaxe now. Looks like heís asked him to be his steward. Thatís kind of touching. Maniaxe has set down his axe and now heís picking up the sword... yes, heís just cut the disgraced samuraiís head off. What an oddly moving scene.

Winner:

Maniaxe!

 

I'm the Juggernaut, bitch! vs.

The Iron Knight is tilting his helmet up slightly in salute, and the Juggernaut is drawing a bead on him. Now the night is on the move, and the Juggernaut is unleashing his barrage! *clang* Ouch, the Iron Knight just took one in the ribs! *b-kong* And that one clipped his helmet! *wonk* Got him in the knee with that one, but heís still coming! Juggernaut is lining up his next shot! This could be it... and now the Iron Knight is going on the offensive! Heís up in the air, looking to stomp the smirk off Juggernautís face! Letís hope he steers clear of the spike on that helmet of his. Juggernaut has shut the tankís hatch, and looks like heís ready to receive the stomp! Ooh, the Iron Knightís big metal boots seem to have broken the hatch, and now Juggernaut canít get his head out to aim his shots! Heís firing wildly now in all directions! Iron Knight is going for another stomp on the... Ooh, he just took a flying skull to the back of the head! Heís on the ground now, struggling to get back... Ouch, Juggernaut just flattened his head like a pancake with those treads.

Winner:
I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!
Juggernaut!

 

And now, the moment youíve all been waiting for: the final, conclusive battle for the title of Best Helmet!

It's an homage, dammit! vs. Note the camo paint.

And theyíre off! Axes and skulls are filling the air! Itís pure chaos, ladies and gentlemen!!! Ooh, Maniaxe just caught a skull to the mask! Heís staggering around the arena now. He managed to toss another one of his axes, but it seems to have bounced harmlessly off the side of Juggernautís tank. And now Juggernaut is switching tactics! Heís going for a stomp of his own! This is incredible ladies, and gentlemen! Iíve never seen a tank fly that high! And itís a narrow miss as Maniaxe rolls to the side! Juggernaut is adjusting for another shot... And whatís this? Thereís an old woman in a blue sweater creeping up on him. Does she have a... Oh, wait, it doesnít matter. Juggernaut just threw it in reverse and flattened her. Now heís focusing his attention back on Maniaxe. *thunk* Uh oh, it looks like one of Maniaxeís namesakes has gotten wedged in Juggernautís treads. Heís struggling to work it out, but thatís not going to be easy with no arms of his own! He may not have time for that, as Maniaxe is making his way over to him! Heís calling triple A. Heís dialing the number... heís on the fifth digit. Maniaxe is on him, and heís raising his axe for the killing... ooh, Juggernaut just slammed the hatch on his wrist! He dropped the axe and heís howling in pain! Juggernaut is cackling and swinging his turret around for the killing blow! Whatís this! Maniaxe has wrapped his hands around Juggernautís head! Juggernaut is trying to slam the hatch again, but itís just no going down! *crack* And itís over! Maniaxe has twisted his head clean off!!! WE HAVE A WINNER!!!

VICTORY!!!
MANIAXE!!!

Wowie, what an epic battle. But we have our champion. Maniaxe is by far the best helmet choice in the game, and weíve seen all the proof we need right here. Still, Iíd hate to think that Iím ignoring the will of the people. If you think you know what really wouldíve happened in a battle to the death between the nine different helmets, why not come share it with us on the message boards? After all, weíre not mind readers, you know.

Questions or Comments about this piece?
email Dr. Boogie


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ZERO THE KAMIKAZE SQUIRREL!
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