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Shorts!

A Real Hidden Character
by: Dr. Boogie
 

In its short lifespan, the Sega CD hosted a pantload of crappy games. For every one game that was worth having, you had five games that were filled with poorly acted FMV and zero gameplay. Which is probably why they quit making games for it so quickly. Anyway, among the handful of notable titles was a real gem of a fighting game called Eternal Champions: Challenge from the Dark Side.

As the story goes, the destruction of mankind is traced back to the untimely deaths of several key individuals throughout history. To avert this tragedy, a faceless, glowing blue man called the Eternal Champion whisks said persons away moments before their deaths and has them compete in a fighting tournament, the winner of which will be returned to change his or her destiny.

And it was a great game. You had ninjas fighting acrobats, cyborgs attacking pharaohs, and those were just the regular characters. The secret characters were even more bizarre, among them an acupuncturist, an owl, and even death himself. This piece, however, is dedicated to an even more unusual character, and one of the most unusual characters ever to appear in a fighting game:
The Senator
.

Creator of the "Vote or Die" campaign.

That's right; as part of some kind of weird political commentary by the games creators, you could actually play as an elected official. Just take a look at his bio:

Occupation: Politician, or corrupt puppet of the lobbyists
Time Zone: 1995 AD
Fighting Style: Dishonesty

Using deceit and lies the senator can deliver a wide variety of underhanded moves. He can also abuse and misuse the political powers that were given to him. The most dangerous weapon he has is a total lack of morals.

Biography: The Senator made a living by voting the ways of special interest groups and creating issues to make himself popular. Given his lifetime membership in the good-old-boys club, he was surprised when he wasn't supported by his party for re-election.

It seems that he once voted for a Human rights issue and his party was angry that humanity was considered above their personal profits. When he lost in a landslide election after spending millions of his own money, he died of a massive heart attack.

Goal: If the Senator was to recover from his bad case of death by winning the contest, he would attempt to came back and make up for his years of civil abuse, maybe.

At this point, you're probably wondering how it is that he could use his political powers in a brutal deathmatch. Therein lays the secret of the Senator's greatness as a character. His special moves are all politically-themed. Don't worry if you don't have any clue what I'm getting at; I have a few of his moves outlined for your viewing pleasure. To assist me, I have enlisted the help of Marvel Comic's vampire-hunting superhero, Blade:

He was modeled after Kid, of Kid 'n Play.

Let's begin.

You think that's deadly, you should see his "filibuster".

Red Tape:
In a truly bureaucratic move, the Senator wraps his enemy up in red tape. Now that's an abuse of political power.

It's no mere one-month ban either.

Ban Violence:
He learned this one from Joe Lieberman. The Senator imposes a ban on violence, starting with his foes. If they should get "banned", they'll be unable to attack him for a little while.

Where's Toby Keith when you need him?

Diplomatic Immunity:
The senator becomes completely invulnerable to both criticism and vicious beatings when he dons his patriotic apparel. Accompanying the move is the first few notes from the national anthem. God bless America!

Nine eleven, I tell you, nine eleven!!

Donate:
Using his mighty wallet, the Senator lifts his opponent off the ground, flips them upside down, and sucks a campaign donation right out of them.

I tire of this bi-partisan bickering!

Rebuttal:
The Senator deflects his opponents (and their projectiles) by standing behind a podium and angrily pointing at them, possibly while shouting about freedom or 9/11. You also get to hear the first few notes of "Hail to the Chief."

And my personal favorite…

You forgot to register!!!

Voter Pin Stab:
Prior to those wimpy "I voted" stickers for sissies, we had metal buttons with lethally sharp pins. The Senator makes good use of said pins, and fills his opponents with civic pride as he lances them with the deadly pins.

After reading all that how can you not love the Senator? As if cool moves weren't enough, his stage is Washington DC, complete with a heavy metal version of "Hail to the Chief." Not to mention his victory pose.

Come on, you rubes, I'm meeting you halfway!

Nothing says "I'm in touch with the common man" like fishing gear. The only way this pose could be any better is if he made his wife and kids magically appear, perhaps by snapping his fingers, for a publicity shot.

With characters like the Senator, I don't know why Sega never made any sequels to Eternal Champions for the next generation of consoles. Maybe if they had made a couple, they might still be in the console market. The jerks. Furthermore, what modern fighting game wouldn't benefit from having an elected official as a character? I'd vote for 'em.

I am not a crook. I'm a killing machine!
 


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