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Ten Holiday Specials We'll Never See
(if we're lucky)
by: Protoclown
 

Many of you are aware of the Star Wars Holiday Special, something that has been spoken of in hushed tones among fans and viewed in clandestine meetings in the darkened back rooms of various geek conventions for over twenty years. George Lucas has disowned it, and flat out refuses to even speak about it. He has disowned it because it is wretched, vile, ludicrous, and awful in every way imaginable; furthermore, it has almost no connection whatsoever to anything resembling the Star Wars you know and love... you know, kind of like the prequel trilogy.

So I was thinking, what if there were other ill-conceived Holiday Specials involving other popular franchises of the 80s that were more successfully buried and forgotten by the creators, only to years later become the stuff of rumor and whispered legend among the fanbase? What awful disappointments might they have contained? Let's find out, shall we?

The Aliens Holiday Jamboree

A Weyland-Yutani corporation freighter picks up a distress beacon on outer rim planet JC-1225 and decides to go help. After losing all contact with the vessel and her crew Weyland-Yutani coerces Ellen Ripley (under contract) to act in an advisory capacity to the marine squad sent in to investigate the situation. Ripley and the marines soon find clues pointing to a xenomorph infestation of this worker planet. The indigenous population are a bunch of defenseless tiny elfin creatures who serve as painfully easy prey to the aliens. A new breed of elf aliens proves quite the challenge to Ripley and the marines, easily prancing and fluttering past their bullets with all the trickery one might expect from a faerie sprite. Ripley finds a valuable ally in the constructed leader of the elves, the android S.A.N.T.A. (Synthetic Adaptable Nano Tech Android; played by a very inebriated Don Johnson), who helps her defeat the aliens with a strategy involving multi-colored strings of light, soft red foot coverings, and tall pointy decorated trees shoved where tall pointy decorated trees should not be. S.A.N.T.A. is wounded beyond repair in the battle, and tells Ripley that it is his responsibility to fly around the universe dropping off charitable donations to everyone alive for the universally celebrated "Generosity Day". Since he is in no shape to perform this service, he enlists the aid of Ripley, who reluctantly agrees. S.A.N.T.A. tells her about the prototype rocket spaceship Sleigh 01, which has speed capabilities powerful enough to travel anywhere in the universe within moments, and she gallivants around the universe in the nick of time, saving Generosity Day for all. In the surprise twist-ending, we see a little girl preparing to open a wrapped present, only to have an alien facehugger burst from the box just as she undoes the ribbon. The last thing we see is the facehugger leaping toward the camera, accompanied by the girl's scream.


I don't know whether I would fear this more or less than a regular xenomorph.

The Terminator Holiday Hoopla

After narrowly escaping another raid by the machines, an aged John Connor (played by William Shatner) gets insanely drunk one night and reminisces on his childhood, focusing in particular on a miserably disappointing Christmas when he was eight years old. In a tragically inebriated moment of misjudgment, he decides to send a reprogrammed Terminator back in time to save that Christmas. What ensues are a bunch of comical scenes in which the Terminator and a hysterical, panicking eight-year-old John Conner (played by Gary Coleman) travel around Los Angeles, while the Terminator indiscriminately kills everyone who doesn't seem to have enough "holiday spirit" and young John Conner tries to convince him the error of his ways. The show ends when an "elf" (played by Wilford Brimley) working in the local mall Santa display, completely drenched in Santa's blood and guts, nervously manages to finally convince the Terminator the true spirit of Christmas while begging for his life. During this distraction, mall security guards manage to sneak up behind the Terminator and remove his AA batteries, thereby saving Christmas for everyone. The show ends with John Conner waking up with a severe hangover and realizing that the whole reason that Christmas sucked in the first place was because of the insane Austrian who kidnapped him and took him along on an eighteen-hour killing spree.

The Predator Christmas Special:
The Hunt For Red-Nosed Reindeer


In this travesty a bunch of Aliens and Predators duke it out in subterraneous frozen caverns in Antarctica. Wait, sorry, I'm confusing this with Aliens Vs. Predator, an entirely different travesty altogether. In the Predator Christmas special, a Predator's ship crash lands at the North Pole, and he ends up tracking and killing a certain reindeer with a glowing red nose. When Rudolph doesn't return home one night, Santa and the elves become worried and send a search party to investigate. Lots of bloody, visceral Predator/Elf combat ensues, and the Elves finally manage to ensnare the Predator by setting a trap using one of those goddamned Coca-cola polar bears as bait. Santa (played by Dolph Lundgren) explains to the Predator the true meaning of Christmas and they eventually realize it's all a big misunderstanding caused by severe culture clash. In the end, Santa gives the Predator the gift of a shiny new spear, and the Predator gives Santa Rudolph's polished skull for his mantle. Then he goes and slaughters a bunch of children with his new present.

The Robocop Christmas Hootenanny

Omni Consumer Products has developed a new Santa cyborg to deliver a cornucopia of OCP products to all the good little boys and girls. Robocop is disappointed to learn that OCP is actually delivering the children nothing but addictive caffeinated sodas and candies to get them hooked on OCP products. But when drug dealers kidnap and reprogram the Santa robot and up the ante by having it start peddling Nuke drugs to children, Robocop draws the line. Robocop teams up with Michael Jackson (played by Wilford Brimley), for no good reason whatsoever, to put a stop to this. In the final epic battle involving an endless spray of lead justice and some killer dance movies, Robocop and Michael destroy the Santa robot in broad daylight on a city street in front of a crowd of crying drug-addled children.


Now watch and learn what we do to drug dealers on our streets, kids!'

The Masters of the Universe Holiday
Stock Footage Adventure

In this abominable special, Prince Adam decides to adopt some white fuzzy fringes to his outfit, in order to spice things—

RoG: Sorry to interrupt, Proto, but there already is a He-Man holiday special.
Proto: WHAT??:
RoG: Yeah, check this out:

Proto:
RoG: Proto?
Proto:: I… I think I'm going to go cry now.
RoG: Yeah. me too.

The G.I.JOE Hanukkah Hullabaloo

On Christmas Day a small contingent of Jewish Joes, led by Deep Six, are all that presides over the G.I.JOE headquarters while everyone else is off for the holiday. Deep Six is pissed about this, however, because the 25th happens to also be one of the days of Hanukkah, so he's stuck working on his holiday while the rest of the Joes have off. But the bigwigs in Washington don't seem much to care about his non-Christian concerns, so Deep Six grumbles complaints to no one while he distracts himself from the lifeless security monitors by playing solitaire. Meanwhile Cobra Commander, figuring that most of the Joe team would be off with their families, has decided that this is the perfect time to launch a strike against the Joes, when there are in fact almost no Joes there to attack. Yes, truly another brilliant stratagem from Cobra Commander. Zartan and the Dreadnoks lead the assault team inside but the Joes eventually defeat them by tripping them with well placed dreidel caltrops and then nuking them with Menorah rockets. The episode ends with a moral message about how we may all be different and have different beliefs, but a well place Menorah rocket will still blow up even the wiliest Cobra scum.

The Transformers Energon Holiday Shindig

The Autobots are celebrating Energon Day, a holiday when they give each other gifts of free Energon cubes, which coincidentally happens to take place on December 25, so Spike and Sparkplug get into the gift-giving action too. An animated version of Menudo guest-stars, doing a fantastic musical number during the celebration. But as with all good celebrations, sooner or later a crazed villain arrives to crash the party. Megatron learns that the Autobots will be celebrating Energon Day at the Ark and decides to launch a strike to destroy the Autobots and collect the Energon for Decepticon use. The Constructicons have adopted a new combined form that looks like a giant Mecha-Grinch (voiced by Madonna), who ends up crushing Menudo under its gigantic steel feet. The Autobots answer this new threat by having the Protectobots combine into a new Cyber-Santa form to battle the Mecha-Grinch. After a stirring battle, the Cyber-Santa manages to destroy the Mecha-Grinch through the awesome power of good will toward men and robots, and also by having Spike and Sparkplug sing shitty Christmas carols to distract the Decepticons. After the battle is won, Ratchet inserts the brains of Menudo into new robotic bodies, so they can keep on sharing their delightful tunes and dancing with audiences...forever!

Indiana Jones and the Last Day of Christmas

In the winter of 1943, Hitler (played by Steve Guttenburg) sends a platoon of Nazi soldiers to the North Pole. Their mission: to capture Santa Claus, his elves, and his magical sleigh, for it is Hitler's belief that the elves may be used to manufacture weapons and the sleigh would put him at a tactical advantage, allowing him to transport troops to any location in the world within minutes. Also, because a Hanukkah Special would have been in extremely bad taste. Indiana Jones, already in the area to find a fabled frozen and perfectly preserved Abominable Snowman corpse, stumbles onto the Nazis and their wicked plot. At first he doesn't believe in Santa, the elves, or any of that other nonsense, but after a couple of elves save him from a subterranean Nazi encounter by using the booby trapped cave to their advantage, he reluctantly agrees to help, grumbling that he hates Nazis. Several exciting battles follow, including a manic romp across a sea of floating ice plates surrounding a glacier (played by Wilford Brimley), and a stirring final chase scene with Indy piloting Santa's sleigh and going toe to toe with a German Panzer.

The Rambo Holiday Bloodbath of Joy

There's a bit of distressing news awaiting the children of the Western world one year: it seems that while Santa was delivering his presents in the far East, he was shot down somewhere over Vietnam. Believed to have been taken to an old POW camp, Santa will not be there to deliver presents to all the good little American boys and girls. There's only one man who can rescue him: John Rambo. But first, he's got to finish Santa's job before the children of America know that anything is wrong. Rambo makes a few mall appearances that don't go so well and then he hops into Santa's sleigh to deliver presents-but not before festooning it with weapons. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar makes a guest appearance, riding shotgun in the sleigh to help drop off gifts. Rambo ends up killing a bunch of street thugs and criminals on his jaunt across the States with his heavily armed sleigh, and then he goes on a rescue mission to Vietnam and brings Santa back home in time for breakfast.


Rambo has quite a way with the little tykes.

Back to the Future: The Ghost of Christmas
Future's Past in the Present Day of Yesterday


The Biff Tannen of the future ends up stealing Doc Brown's DeLorean from Marty McFly with the goal of going back in time to assassinate Jesus on the day of his birth and replace him with his own baby who will become the new savior in Jesus's place. The Marty of the past learns of this sinister plan when the Marty of the future comes back in time to warn him about it thanks to the help of the Doc Brown of the present day visiting the future and loaning his DeLorean from the past. The Marty of the present goes back to collect the Doc Brown of the past and the (guest star) Mr. T of the future to go back in time to the birth of Jesus to stop Biff, only the Biff of the future has recruited the Biff of the present to kill the Marty of the past before he becomes the Marty of the future. However, Marty McFly's son recruits Zombie Doc Brown from the far future to come back and eat the brain of the Biff of the future (who is visiting the present) before he can get the Biff of the present to kill the Marty of the past, thus allowing the Marty of the present and the Doc Brown of the past and the Mr. T of the future to save the baby Jesus and ensure a Merry Christmas for everyone.


Marty expresses a holiday sentiment we're probably all feeling right about now.
 


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