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An Open Letter to the Parents of the
Girl with the Word on Her Ass.

by: Max Burbank


Just a quick note to offer 'kudos' on your decision to let your daughter wear shorts with the word 'juicy' across the ass to her recent science museum field trip. I don't know her exact age, but I'm guessing ten or eleven? It's so hard to say with girls, so I just went by the boys in her learning group, and ten or eleven is what they looked like.

Yeah... uh... it sure is... uh... juicy?

As a museum employee, I'm often in the position to look at kids asses, but for the most part I don't, and to be honest it's nothing I'd really thought about that much until recently, hence this letter of thanks.

As I learned recently while researching an exhibit on communication, it's really, really hard to ignore information. Next time you go to a bar or restaurant that has TV's, watch your friends. Even though you're having a conversation, their eyes keep straying toward the TV, and so do yours! You can't help it, especially if they have the subtitles enabled. The SAP feature or something, I don't know. Anyway, it's a kind of funny and informative experience, so try it!

That's how I ended up looking at your kid's ass. I saw the word 'juicy', I read it, and only then did I realize that as your daughter drank from the 'touch free' water fountain, (It's got a sensor, when you block the light the water goes on. We've got signage explaining how it works, it's kind of a water fountain/exhibit. It's neat!) I was staring at her ass.

I think I can honestly say I have never stared at a ten year old girl's ass before. The mix of feelings I experienced, a heady cocktail of shame, embarrassment, rage, self loathing, a horror of my own mortality, a gnawing suspicion that perhaps I was not completely indisposed to enjoy the experience, that now, at long last having been tricked into staring at a child's ass perhaps, god forgive me, I liked it? That even though I was fairly certain that I was experiencing not one iota of sexual impulse, perhaps, perhaps I doth protest too much?

And what the hell does 'juicy' mean anyway, in the context of your daughter's ass?

So thanks, because I'm sure I could have gone to my grave never having experienced really staring at a pre pubescent kid's ass.


Max Burbank

P.S. If your daughter is a 'late bloomer', that is to say thirteen or older, (in which case the word 'juicy' while still somewhat mystifying is I'm sure entirely appropriate) I certainly apologize for the sarcastic tone of this open letter.

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