100 Unkind Nicknames I Would Have Made Up For
Miley Cyrus Had She Attended My Grammar School

by: Max Burbank

1.) Miley Virus

2.) Miley Psycho

3.) Miley Stye-rus

4.) Miley Cry-rus

5.) Miley Papyrus

6.) Miley Flat Tire-us

7.) Moldy Cyrus

8.) Viley Cyrus

9.) Cry-ley Cyrus

10.) Cry-Ley Cry-rus

11.) Cry-ley Crybaby

12.) Cry-Me-A-River-us

13.) Grimy Cyrus

14.) Slimy Cyrus

15.) Slimy Walrus

16.) Mildly Psycho

17.) Wildly Psycho

18.) Miley Cyrus Vance

19.) Mile High-rus

20.) Moldy Papyrus

21.) Mall-dy Cyrus

22.) Malady Cyrus

23.) Cyrusno Debergerac

24.) Moldy Circus

25.) "Big Apple" (Circus)

26.) Jerky Circle

27.) Motor Cycle

28.) Slimy Psycho

29.) Beguiling Walrus

30.) Smelly Cyrus

31.) Smelly Walrus

32.) The Jonas Brothers

33.) Mile-High Apple-Pie-rus

34.) Mundane Cyrus

35.) Mundane Walrus

36.) The Walrus

37.) Goo-goo-ka-choo (because Miley is the Walrus)

38.) Paul (because the Walrus was Paul)

39.) Malachai Cybernaught

40.) Malachai Walrus

41.) Malted Milkshake

42.) "Melons" Cyrus

43.) Miley Cypher

44.) Mister Cyrus

45.) Mister Walrus

46.) Mechanical Virus

47.) Robot Walrus

48.) Malachai Cybernaught, the Mechanical Walrus

49.) Milky Cyrus

50.) Milky Virus

51.) Milky Psycho

52.) Milky Walrus

53.) Mickey Cyrus

54.) Mickey Mantle

55.) Milky Cyclops

56.) Miley Chiclets

57.) Ol' Walrus Chiclets

58.) Miley Cyrust

59.) Marley's Ghost

60.) Bob Marley

61.) Morely Safer

62.) Sixty Minutes

63.) Morely Walrus

64.) M.O.D.O.K. Cyrus

65.) Miley Cypress

66.) Miley Cider-press

67.) Smiley Soup-dress

68.) Snidely Whiplash

69.) Miley Cyborg

70.) Miley Cyborg Walrus

71.) Miley Cylon

72.) Miley Styrus-foam

73.) Miley Magorium's Wonder Emporium

74.) Miley Widely

75.) Piley Cyrus

76.) Biley Cyrus

77.) Wile E. Coyote

78.) Wile E. Coyote-Walrus

79.) Smell-me Cyrus

80.) Moley Cyrus

81.) Holy Moley

82.) Whack-a-Moley

83.) Guacamole

84.) Ol' Guacamole

85.) Male-He Cyrus

86.) Viral Cyrus

87.) Viral Virus

88.) Viral Walrus

89.) Hey, isn't your Dad that guy from 'Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman'?

90.) Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman

91.) Dr. Quinn, Medicine Walrus

92.) Chumly (The Walrus on 'Tennessee Tuxedo')

93.) Mildew Cyrus

94.) Yes, yes, Mildew Walrus too

95.) Eye Me Cyrus

96.) Miley Syrup

97.) Moldy Syrup

98.) Mildew Syrup

99.) Walrus Syrup

100.) Man-a Montana

Questions or Comments about this piece?
email Max Burbank

If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out:

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My Very First Video Thanksgiving Toast

Reader Comments

Last of the Time Lords
Apr 27th, 2009, 04:20 AM
I have no idea why you wrote this. I have even less idea why I'm laughing.

Milky Walrus is my favorite.
Forum Virgin
Apr 27th, 2009, 05:02 AM
I would have gone with "Miley (Radiohead thinks you suck and they are right) Montana" Funny stuff, keep up the good work Mr. Burbank.
Forum Virgin
Apr 27th, 2009, 09:50 AM
Ahh Mr. Burbank, truer words never spoken. Though I think you may have been a bit too easy on her..
Forum Chaos Lord
Apr 27th, 2009, 10:21 AM
I chuckled at most of these.

Then I got to "Dr. Quinn, Medicine Walrus" and absolutely fell about.
What Video Games?
Apr 27th, 2009, 01:03 PM
I can't stop laughing. Especially with the Beatles, Looney Tunes, and Dr. Quinn references. Great (And very short) article.

Strange, me and my friend were looking at those albums and I thought "Somebody has to have photoshopped this by now. By the way, here's some Foo Fighters. Now why the fuck are we shopping for music at a goddamned WAL-MART?" (Or "The White Trash Superstore" as I like to call it.)
Apr 27th, 2009, 01:18 PM
Hah. Whack-a-Moley was hysterical along with the following two Mexican references.
Suicidal Chipmunk
Apr 27th, 2009, 05:25 PM
Malachai Cybernaught, the Mechanical Walrus,and the Jonas Brothers were my favorites. Good Job as always, Max
Forgets Passwords Easily
Apr 27th, 2009, 08:55 PM
I am calling shenanigans on you, dear Mr. Burbank! Had Miley Cyrus attended your grammar school, I doubt you would have called her "Miley Magorium's Wonder Emporium" or the Jonas Brothers, because, as I have found out through my research at the Library of Congress, neither existed at the time you went to grammar school! OR high school for that matter!

Though on a serious note, my favorite is Cyrusno Debergerac.
The Moxie Nerve Food Tonic
Apr 27th, 2009, 09:06 PM
I assume the 'Shennanigans" is a south park reference, but I'll give HUGE trivia points to anyone who knows what the south park reference was referencing WITHOUT using internet research.
Turrican't. :(
Apr 28th, 2009, 11:43 AM
Miley Cyrus' book is called "Miles To Go". That's funny, because it's exactly the thought I have while running away from her shitty merchandise and embarrassingly bad music.
Eating angry potatos.
Apr 28th, 2009, 02:44 PM
Milky Syphilis. My dad called her dad Billy Ray Syphilis and it just stuck in my family.
Apr 28th, 2009, 04:47 PM
I lost it when I saw Snidely Whiplash
Destructo Bear
Apr 28th, 2009, 05:33 PM
The most insuling was the jonas brothers but I have to say my favorite was paul (not in the beatles just for her nickname) thanks for the read
Forum Virgin
Apr 28th, 2009, 08:48 PM
She IS the walrus
Apr 28th, 2009, 10:18 PM
I feel for the poor girl actually. I mean if your dad was Billy Ray how well would you turn out? I mean both musically and personally you have the worst possible role model in both fronts.
Apr 28th, 2009, 11:13 PM
oh my god, Max, you are such a riot
Apr 28th, 2009, 11:16 PM
oh man started crying at Malachai Cybernaught, the Mechanical Walrus
frappez le cochon rouge
Apr 29th, 2009, 12:41 AM

I love you, Max. Can you adopt me?
Big In Japan
Apr 29th, 2009, 05:33 AM
Miley Magorium's Wonder Emporium.

Funny shit.
Valkyr Addict
Apr 29th, 2009, 11:52 AM
"Miley Cyrus Vance"

Forgets Passwords Easily
Apr 29th, 2009, 08:29 PM
Well, Max, now I'm damn curious as to its true origin.
Forum Virgin
Apr 29th, 2009, 08:33 PM
I assume the 'Shennanigans" is a south park reference, but I'll give HUGE trivia points to anyone who knows what the south park reference was referencing WITHOUT using internet research.
Would that be the episode where the boys wanted Terence and Phillip dolls, Cartman hit his head (or something) and thought he was a vietnamese prostitute so when they signed him up for the bull ride (or some such rodeo involved thing) he won, got $10,000, and the boys traded it all to the Carni for the Terence and Phillip dolls, which turned out to be junk, so they called Shennigans spawning this quote from Jimbo:
"Oh, I better go get my broom"
Wow, I feel kinda dirty for knowing that much about SouthPark...
...I'm gonna go cry now...
Forum Virgin
Apr 29th, 2009, 08:35 PM
Oh, and the boys got a pile of Terrence and Phillip dolls at the end
frappez le cochon rouge
Apr 29th, 2009, 09:15 PM
All I know is Super Troopers, so yeh.
Apr 29th, 2009, 09:16 PM
I believe tha Max means that South Park was referencing the Simpsons episode. There was a call of shenanigans and everyone got their broomsticks.


The Moxie Nerve Food Tonic
Apr 29th, 2009, 10:07 PM
Shenanigans was a board game from my childhood that simulated a carnival. If you suspected another player of cheating, you called "Shennanigans" on them.
Apr 29th, 2009, 10:35 PM
No fair, boardgames from you childhood are buried under sand waiting to be discovered.
The Moxie Nerve Food Tonic
Apr 30th, 2009, 08:09 AM
I know, right? Plus, it's highly obscure and I haven't had any luck verifying it on la Internets, but I KNOW we had it. I recall a spot where if you landed on it you had to shoot tiddly winks through a hole in a piece of cardboard, and I KNOW the name was Shennanigans. Also, I think (although this may be a false memory) there was a TV commercial for it.
Who? Me?
Apr 30th, 2009, 08:56 AM
37.) Goo-goo-ka-choo (because Miley is the Walrus)

38.) Paul (because the Walrus was Paul)

XD I nearly died with those. I'm sure there are many people who would like to see her trapped in a glass onion.
So if Miley's the walrus, who are the eggmen?
Apr 30th, 2009, 02:37 PM
The Moxie Nerve Food Tonic
Apr 30th, 2009, 02:45 PM
Thank you sir! Shows you how many years it's been since the last time I tried to find it.
Shinobi Hero
Apr 30th, 2009, 03:09 PM
Hahaha. "Malachai Cybernaught, the Mechanical Walrus".
Is a thin donkey
May 1st, 2009, 01:11 AM
"Hey, isn't your Dad that guy from 'Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman'?"

Between that, the Beatles references, and 'Dr. Quinn, Medicine Walrus', I damn near fell out of my chair laughing. It's been FAR too long since your last article, Max.
Cheesy Highness
May 2nd, 2009, 10:31 AM
Most I chuckled at. "Medicine Walrus", well...I pride myself on keeping my composure, and I lost it. Totally lost it. Couldn't keep it from that point forward no matter the names. XD
after enough bourbon ...
May 2nd, 2009, 10:24 PM
Wait a minute - you mean her dad WASN'T the guy on Dr. Quinn? I'VE BEEN LIED TO ALL THESE MANY YEARS DAMMIT!

Good Job, Max.
The stank on the hangdown
May 5th, 2009, 08:14 PM
indeed, it seems that you have covered all the bases.
HaaHaa!!! Im high!!!
Jun 21st, 2009, 06:31 PM
Goo-Goo Ka-choo!!!
"It's all so appalling."
Jul 6th, 2009, 08:17 PM
wow....must've taken forever
Forum Virgin
Dec 20th, 2009, 07:09 PM
Don't forget "Whoratio

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