"Hollywood is out of ideas" because of all the movies that are being
remade these days. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, The Dukes of
Hazzard, House of Wax, Herbie... frankly, the world would be a better
place without these shoddy remakes. The originals were perfectly AOK,
so why bother trying to rehash them? Oh yeah, that's right; it's an
easy way to make a fast buck without having to come up with something
original of your own. Honestly, if they want to make a quick buck, how
about they not try to remake those old movies, and instead, finally
put out the sequels we've all been yearning for?
It's with this in mind that I've compiled a list of movies that are
long overdue for a sequel, along with some suggestions as to what they
could be about:
Weird Science 2: Weirder Science
Gary and Wyatt return to the big screen picking up 1 year later from
where the original movie left off. They're now roommates in college
but they're in need of some new "companionship" after the
girls in the first movie realized what huge dorks they were, so Gary
and Wyatt decide to
make another perfect woman. They don't have any bras to wear on their
heads during the experiment though, so they settle for jock-straps
instead. This leads to a WACKY mishap of epic proportions - Michael
Berryman, the mutant biker from the original movie, returns as their
computer-generated love slave. Just wait until you see the threesome
shower scene in this sequel! Hotcha-totcha!
Action Jackson 2: Back
Carl Weathers returns to the big screen as a tough Detroit cop with a
bad reputation. In this high-octane sequel, Action Jackson goes up
against another evil crime lord (played by Sylvester Stallone) who is
bent on bringing the city to its knees. After
blasting his way through all of the toughest thugs in town, Action
Jackson goes head-to-head with Stallone only to have his arm blown off
just like in Predator. But this is Action Jackson we're talking about
here. You think the loss of an arm is gonna stop him? He picks up his
severed arm, says "It's time for ACTION!" and proceeds to beat
Stallone to death with it.
Road House 2: The Double Douche
I'm sorry, but that pathetic direct-to-video sequel release does NOT
count as a sequel to the original. Actually, they could just play the original movie and slap this
new title on it and it would STILL pack theatres nationwide. I
guarantee it. And if you disagree with me, just keep one thing in
mind: I used to fuck guys like you in prison.
Raging Bull 2: Raging Bullshit
De Niro and Joe Pesci reprise their roles as Jake and Joey La Motta in
this intense sequel. It's a full 4 hours of Jake asking his brother
Joey to hit him in the face harder and harder and harder. By the end
of the film, Jake's face is such a bloody, mangled mess that he is no
longer able to speak. Still not satisfied with his brother's punches,
Jake uses a Speak 'N Spell to tell Joey to hit him harder.
Pretty In Pink 2:
Rise Of Duckie
Now in her 40's and a recently divorced mother of three, Andie (Molly
Ringwold) heads back out into the world and tries dating again. She
meets some really nice guys and the dates always seem to go really
well, yet they never call her back. Andie begins to wonder why this
keeps happening, so she gets fed up and storms over to one of the guys
homes only to discover that he's been murdered. In fact, all of the men she's
been dating have been murdered. And just who murdered them all? Duckie.
It was fucking Duckie!
Star Trek IV: Part 2 - Spock Hump
This is perhaps the sequel we've needed more than any other movie out
there. Fans just weren't satisfied with only one movie which had Spock
communicating with humpback whales in an attempt to save planet Earth.
In this sequel, one of the two remaining humpback whales has died. If they cannot reproduce, the alien probe will find out about it and
destroy planet Earth. So, Spock takes it upon himself to mate with the
remaining whale to save the planet. When asked what the hell he was
doing, Spock simply responds, "It was a logical decision."
They're back! Actually, it's more like "Their backs!" since the
guys can't even carry those heavy proton packs without suffering major
spinal injuries in their old age. In this third and final movie, Gozer
the Gozerian returns to cause haunting troubles throughout New York
City and nobody knows how to put an end to it. The mayor reluctantly
calls in for the help of the Ghostbusters once again and they agree to
do it on one term: free medical coverage for the rest of their
lives. The mayor agrees and the Ghostbusters head out to face
Gozer. On the way, they kill Ray by tearing off his "life alert"
necklace and pushing him down a flight of stairs. This prevents them
from having to face another giant Stay Puft marshmallow man. In the
end, Gozer gets frustrated that none of them will choose the
destructor, so Gozer plays them in a game of checkers to determine if
New York will perish or not. Now Egon may be old in this movie, but
he's still sharp as a razor and makes Gozer his bitch in checkers. "I
collect spores, molds and KING ME!"
Bigger Trouble In
All aboard the Pork Chop Express for another action-packed adventure!
David Lo Pan has risen again from the black blood of the earth! In
order to regain his heart and blood, he must appease his god, Ching
Dai, by sacrificing an albino girl with green eyes. Pretty hard to
come by, right? Well, Lo Pan still somehow manages to find one and
itís up to hero trucker Jack Burton and his buddy Wang to put an end
to his evil plans to rule the universe from beyond the grave, again. May the
wings of liberty never lose a feather! And yes, much to the joy of
fans, Jack will go undercover once again as "Henry Swanson". After
all, excitement's his game. Indeed!
Hollywood. I've put down the groundwork, now it's time for you to
finish the job. Stop with the remakes and get to work!
Questions or Comments about this piece?
If you enjoyed this
piece, be sure to check out:
STUPID TOYS: PART 3!