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Things I Learned From "NARC"!
by: Dr. Boogie

When I was a kid, playing video games at home was a good time, but playing them at an arcade was something altogether different. Don't get me wrong; the NES will always be special to me, but arcade games were... different. They were even more special. They had to be, right? I mean, you had to pay ever time you wanted to play one, so there had to be something special about them, and one of the most memorable of the old arcade games, for me at least, was NARC.

Oh, how to describe NARC. NARC was a kind of police simulator-type game where Officers Max Force and Hit Man set out to clean up the streets of some generic big city and take down the mastermind behind all the drugs, gunrunning, murders, etc, Mr. Big. I remember the crime fighting and arresting in the game, but what I remember most of all was the violence. You were gunning down hundreds of perps, and for some reason, they gave you a rocket launcher. Enough said. Suffice to say, parents were whining about this game before I even realized that there was such a significant connection between violent games and violent kids. Though I never picked up on how to shoot dozens of people in real life, I did learn a few things from the game:

Solving the homeless problem.

When it comes to culling the undesirable elements from society, one can never be too careful. If the opportunity presented itself, you should arrest these perpetrators, go ahead. Then again, in the time it takes you to handcuff one perp, you could be wasting a dozen more. To paraphrase the king from Braveheart, "alive if possible, dead... just as good." After all, it's easier to get drugs and ammo from a corpse than a handcuffed suspect, though I'm not sure why.

Ignore the fumes.

Wherever there's a drug peddler, there's bound to be a drug lab within walking distance. That's just common sense. When you get to said drug lab, though, there's the matter of what to do with it. It could take weeks, months to get all those containers and illicit fluids into evidence, and you've already wasted most of the guilty parties anyway, so what's the point? The answer: blow the whole thing up. Not from outside, oh no. That'd be letting your rocket launcher go to waste. You do it the hard way, from the inside.

New quick-burning corpses!

Dog Ultra: smaller, but twice as efficient.

The burning corpse of a drug-peddling hobo: OK.

The 1988 Ferrari Enforcer.

Whenever you see a gritty cop drama on TV, the cops are always driving around in nondescript vehicles of their own. Or police cars. This is a deliberate falsehood. In actuality, police officers are afforded the luxury of fine sports cars with built-in machine guns and rocket launchers. Lots of them, too, in case they wreck the first few cars driving into dumpsters and landmines.

That glamour shot would haunt him forever.

And this is just my rifle!

Contrary to popular belief, not all Vietnam vets are homeless. Some of them make quite a lucrative living cultivating marijuana. Also, they sometimes supplement their income by working as Rambo impersonators. That alone is why you have to gun them down and swipe their pot. You might have thought it was to get the ganja bonus, but you thought wrong.

Look out, parents! 16-bit porn!

Clowns are evil. No surprises there. However, it may surprise you to learn that the ho is innocent. Indeed, hos are a clown's natural prey. And you, you're like the farmer trying to keep the gopher from digging up his vegetables, only in this case "gopher" means "psychotic knife-wielding clown," and "dig up his vegetables" means "carry a ho back to his Big Top of horrors". "Farmer", I guess that means "cop with blue/red outfit with matching motorcycle helmet".

Freddy Krueger-inspired.

This... I don't really know what this was about. One minute, you're fighting squads of Mr. Big's elite guard, then you're blowing a paraplegic Mr. Big out of his wheelchair, and then suddenly, you're up against the gigantic and downright terrifying head of Mr. Big. You blast his sunglasses off, he shoots lasers at you, you shoot back, he turns into a writhing skull and spine that vomits tongues at you, these things happen. The important lesson to take away from all of this is to stay positive no matter what life throws at you.

NARC taught me a lot of things about life, and a lot of things about being a cop. Most of all, it taught me that being a cop is an impossible ordeal wherein you'll be chewed by dogs, shot by crackheads, stabbed by clowns, throttled by PCP thugs, machine gunned by the disabled, and lasered by the big heads. Law enforcement is definitely not the right career path for me, no siree. I'll leave that to the immortals and their endless supplies of quarters. Or William S. Sessions.

And all without dropping my gun!

Questions or Comments about this piece?
email Dr. Boogie

*** You too can play NARC! ***


Want to see some more video game related content?
Then check out Dr. Boogie's feature on:

Todd's Adventures In Slime World!
Todd's Adventures In Slime World!

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