manger. Soulful, New Age Christmas music plays. Mary enters gazing
lovingly at the blanket wrapped, slightly glowing infant she carries.
Joseph comes to stand beside her. They present a beautiful picture,
turning their eyes heavenward. Joseph steals a quick glance at his
watch. He tries to get a peek at Jesus. Mary turns coyly away. Joseph
allows this, looks heavenward again. After a moment, he tries again,
but Mary still won't let him. Things get tense. Joseph wants a look. A
brief, rapidly escalating tug of war ensues. The blanket is torn from
Mary's grasp. A flashlight, it's only contents, tumbles out. Joseph
stares, horrified. Mary utters a tense, high laugh.
I DON'T KNOW!!
I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T KNOW!!
What do you mean, you don't know? How can you not know?!
I only left him alone for a minute!!
What? What are you talking about, where's Jesus?
He kept crying, he wouldn't stop, he was driving me crazy! I tried
everything, but nothing worked! He didn't want a bottle, he didn't
want to be held, he didn't need to be changed, that kid never needs to
be changed! I couldn't stand it, I thought I was gonna hit him, and
you know, you just don't hit the Christ Child if you know what's good
for you, so I went out for a smoke, just one smoke!!
I don't know. When I came back, he was gone. I left him right there in
the manger. I think maybe one of the animals... ate him or something.
(Long, horrid pause)
Okay. All right. Fine. I understand the situation. But could you tell
me just one thing? I mean, you know, check me on this, I could be
wrong, but what is that up there?
Oh, I think it may be a bit more than just a star. It's a little bit
brighter than your everyday average star, wouldn't you say? And am I
wrong, OR IS IT NOT BURNING DIRECTLY OVER THIS STUPID BARN!!? So don't
tell me a farm animal ate the King of Kings, because in about five
minutes some very wealthy foreign dignitaries are coming here to
present extremely expensive gifts to the son of God, and we, in case
you haven't noticed, are just about as poor as monkey shit, and while
I may be wrong, I think it's quite possible these wise men may not
want to bestow their gifts on a FUCKING FLASHLIGHT!!
Oh, I see, it's all my fault! Some father!
I am not the father!!
God damn you!
IíD SAY THATíS A GIVEN AT THIS POINT!!!... We've got to find a baby.
(Joseph and Mary begin crawling through the audience asking for
babies. Does anyone have on at home with a sitter they could go and
get? They'd be very well looked after.)
Joseph! Joseph! There's a very pregnant woman back here. Gotta be
eight months, maybe nine.
Okay, look lady, here's the deal. We induce, right here, right now,
you give up the baby, immediately, and I can cut you in on thirty
percent of a very large amount of Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh.
(A shy little boy enters, carrying a drum)
Uh . . . excuse me . . . where is the Infant Child of God? I've got a
gift for him. I'm going to play him a humble rhythm on my little drum.
How old are you, kid?
Oh, come on Joseph, no one's going to believeó
Excuse me, but he looks a little bit more like the Lamb of God than a
Okay, okay! Look, kid, can you lie very still, keep your mouth shut
and smile beatifically?
Of a certainty, butó
Just take your clothes off and put this swaddling on.
All right, but the Romans usually give me a sheckle for this.
Yeah, yeah, you'll get more than a sheckle, trust me. C'mon kid, we're
in a bit of a rush here.
Gimmee that drum! Jesus, what a fucking give-away.
(Tableau. Fade to black)
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