I-Mockery
Please don't feed PickleMan
Please don't feed PickleMan
About Us Store Advertising Contact New to I-Mockery? Register an account and join in the pickled fun! New to I-Mockery? Register an account and join in the pickled fun!

Shorts!

A Nativity In One Act!
by: Max Burbank
 

A manger. Soulful, New Age Christmas music plays. Mary enters gazing lovingly at the blanket wrapped, slightly glowing infant she carries. Joseph comes to stand beside her. They present a beautiful picture, turning their eyes heavenward. Joseph steals a quick glance at his watch. He tries to get a peek at Jesus. Mary turns coyly away. Joseph allows this, looks heavenward again. After a moment, he tries again, but Mary still won't let him. Things get tense. Joseph wants a look. A brief, rapidly escalating tug of war ensues. The blanket is torn from Mary's grasp. A flashlight, it's only contents, tumbles out. Joseph stares, horrified. Mary utters a tense, high laugh.

JOSEPH
WHERE'S JESUS!?!

MARY
I DON'T KNOW!!

JOSEPH
What?!

MARY
I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T KNOW!!

JOSEPH
What do you mean, you don't know? How can you not know?!

MARY
I only left him alone for a minute!!

JOSEPH
What? What are you talking about, where's Jesus?

MARY
He kept crying, he wouldn't stop, he was driving me crazy! I tried everything, but nothing worked! He didn't want a bottle, he didn't want to be held, he didn't need to be changed, that kid never needs to be changed! I couldn't stand it, I thought I was gonna hit him, and you know, you just don't hit the Christ Child if you know what's good for you, so I went out for a smoke, just one smoke!!

JOSEPH
And? And?

MARY
I don't know. When I came back, he was gone. I left him right there in the manger. I think maybe one of the animals... ate him or something.

(Long, horrid pause)

JOSEPH
Okay. All right. Fine. I understand the situation. But could you tell me just one thing? I mean, you know, check me on this, I could be wrong, but what is that up there?

A star.

JOSEPH
Oh, I think it may be a bit more than just a star. It's a little bit brighter than your everyday average star, wouldn't you say? And am I wrong, OR IS IT NOT BURNING DIRECTLY OVER THIS STUPID BARN!!? So don't tell me a farm animal ate the King of Kings, because in about five minutes some very wealthy foreign dignitaries are coming here to present extremely expensive gifts to the son of God, and we, in case you haven't noticed, are just about as poor as monkey shit, and while I may be wrong, I think it's quite possible these wise men may not want to bestow their gifts on a FUCKING FLASHLIGHT!!

MARY
Oh, I see, it's all my fault! Some father!

JOSEPH
I am not the father!!

MARY
God damn you!

JOSEPH
IíD SAY THATíS A GIVEN AT THIS POINT!!!... We've got to find a baby.

(Joseph and Mary begin crawling through the audience asking for babies. Does anyone have on at home with a sitter they could go and get? They'd be very well looked after.)

MARY
Joseph! Joseph! There's a very pregnant woman back here. Gotta be eight months, maybe nine.

JOSEPH
Okay, look lady, here's the deal. We induce, right here, right now, you give up the baby, immediately, and I can cut you in on thirty percent of a very large amount of Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh.

(A shy little boy enters, carrying a drum)

DRUMMER BOY
Uh . . . excuse me . . . where is the Infant Child of God? I've got a gift for him. I'm going to play him a humble rhythm on my little drum.

JOSEPH
How old are you, kid?

DRUMMER BOY
Five.

MARY
Oh, come on Joseph, no one's going to believeó

JOSEPH
Excuse me, but he looks a little bit more like the Lamb of God than a FUCKING FLASHLIGHT!!

MARY
Okay, okay! Look, kid, can you lie very still, keep your mouth shut and smile beatifically?

DRUMMER BOY
Of a certainty, butó

JOSEPH
Just take your clothes off and put this swaddling on.

DRUMMER BOY
All right, but the Romans usually give me a sheckle for this.

JOSEPH
Yeah, yeah, you'll get more than a sheckle, trust me. C'mon kid, we're in a bit of a rush here.

MARY
Gimmee that drum! Jesus, what a fucking give-away.

(Tableau. Fade to black)

Questions or Comments about this piece?
email Max Burbank


If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out:

The Naughty/Nice Quiz!
The Naughty/Nice Quiz!



SUGGEST THIS TO A FRIEND!
Recipient Email Address:
Your Name:
Your Email Address:
      
click here to go back to more shorts


Support our sponsors!







[Minimocks] [Articles] [Games] [Mockeries] [Shorts] [Comics] [Blog] [Info] [Forum] [Advertise] [Home]


Copyright © 1999-2007 I-Mockery.com : All Rights Reserved : (E-mail)
No portion of I-Mockery may be reprinted in any form without prior consent
We reserve the right to swallow your soul... and spit out the chewy parts.