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The Naughty/Nice Quiz!
by: Max Burbank

I know you're wondering. It's only natural at this festive time of year. What, oh what, will Santa Bring us? We know he has a list, we know he checks it twice, but doesn't the fat man know we all do naughty shit? Just how nice does he expect us to be? Well, you could wait for Christmas morning, but suppose you're a Jew? And think about this; if you knew you were getting crap from the Big "S" you could seriously cut loose with the sexual harassment! Waiting is for chumps! Take our Naughty/Nice quiz and find out what Old Saint Nick is bringing you today!

1. If I could have anything I wanted for Christmas, it would be
World Peace.
Whatever the hell that new game system is everybody's fighting over.
Adultery. (If not married, sex with a married person.)
Enough people impaled on my front lawn that Vlad the Impaler gets jealous in Hell.

2. My favorite Christmas movie is
"Miracle on 34th Street"
"A Christmas Story"
"It's a Wonderful Life"
"Faces of Death"

3. The best part about the Christmas Season is
Remembering the birth of the Prince of Peace.
All those crowds. They look like ants down there, don't they? Until you look through the crosshairs. Then they look big enough.

4. I'm getting my Significant Other
A thoughtful gift that shows how much I love and understand him/her.
I don't have a significant other. Does stalking count?
Oh, Christ, do I really have to get them something? I don't know, a candle, like, a bath soap set or something? Is the 'Dollar Tree' even open Christmas Eve? My Significant Other what?

5. Even though I don't live with my parents anymore, I still plan on getting them
A thoughtful gift.
A card.
Back for all the dysfunctional, codependent shit they pulled.
Like you don't live with your parents anymore. Seriously.

6. My favorite Christmas Special is
"Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer"
"A Charlie Brown Christmas"
That one with Snow Miser and Heat Miser, man! THEY ROCK!
I think it was some "Little House on the Prairie" thing. Honestly, I was very drunk. All I know is there was this homespun, loving family, and I hated them. Hated them.

7. When I see a Salvation Army Bell ringer, I
Put some money in the pot and wish them a Merry Christmas.
Make a mental note to come back later when I have some change.
Engage them in lengthy conversation about the degrading shit they got up to before they hit bottom.
Expose myself.

8. When I hear the phrase "God Bless us Everyone", I
Am reminded of Tiny Tim in Dickens's immortal "A Christmas Carol"
Start to eat and hope it was someone saying Grace.
Cringe a little, knowing I'll hear it one way or another every time I turn on the damn TV for the next month.
Visualize those beetles they use to clean the flesh off animal corpses in the basement of the Smithsonian until I calm down.

9. Jews
Do not celebrate Christmas.
Could lighten up a little and accept that Christmas has an American, Secular side to it.
Copycatted us with 'Chanukah' and one-upped us too. Eight days! I mean, come on!
Are responsible for all wars.

10. Santa's eight reindeer are: Dasher, Dancer, Vixen, Cupid, Donner
Prancer, Comet, and Blitzen.
Mincer, Rudolph, and Speedy.
Sleepy, Browny and Nixon.
Cletus, Fast Eddie and that other one with the walleye.

11. At Christmas we give presents because
The Wise Men gave gifts to the Christ Child.
It is symbolic of our love.
Same as the Pagans, to distract us from the cold, the darkness and the crushing boredom of winter.
Gotta play the game, right? Wanna spend the rest of the year listening to people go 'oh, yeah, that guy, he doesn't even give people anything at Christmas'. Fuck that noise. Get a bunch of fuckin' Yankee Candles, get it over with.

12. Getting gifts is nice
Strongly agree.
Rabidly agree.
But somehow never fills the gaping void in my soul the way I imagine it will.

13. Giving gifts is nice
And expecting sex in return does not make you a 'John' or a 'Trick'.

14. The Nicest thing I did this year was on a par with
Mother Theresa's work with Lepers.
Taking out the trash.
Bottling up all my rage.
Bottling up those portions of my rage which are classed as felonies.

15. The Naughtiest thing I did this year was on a par with
Harsh words spoken in irritation.
Kicking your dog for soiling the new carpet.
Kicking your dog for fun.
Have you seen any of those "Saw" movies?

16. If a friend asked me to play Santa for his kids, I would
Be honored.
Do it, but expect a favor in return at some point.
Probably end up not wearing pants, like in that dream, but without the fish part or the thing with the female impersonator kick line, if everyone was lucky.

17. That house on the street with the vast array of lights is
Kind of fun.
Fine. Live and let live, right?
A crass endorsement of everything wrong with Christmas.

18. It's acceptable to start playing Christmas music
After Halloween.
After Thanksgiving.
Never if you know what side your bacon's salted on.
Have you ever seen any of those "Saw" movies?

19. Dr. Seuss' "The Grinch"
Is a modern day Ebenezer Scrooge, complete with a miraculous change of heart.
Had a point.
Probably should have killed Cindy Lou Who when she woke up. That was pretty much his big mistake.
Had his rotting corpse dug up and violated by Jim Carrey in the most appalling act of necrophilia ever committed in human history prior to the release of "The Cat in the Hat".

20. Christmas is to Kwanza as
Diwali is to Chanukah.
A venerable old tradition is to a new celebration.
The actual Baby Jesus is to a Bratz Baby doll.
It's not just Black folks I don't like. I don't care too much for Jews either. And don't get me started on those God Damn Swedes!

21. When the first snow of the season falls on Christmas Eve, it's
A fortuitous meteorological coincidence.
A harbinger of shoveling on Christmas day.
You are so gay.

22. I believed in Santa until I was
I still believe in Santa in my heart.
In college.
I never believed in Santa.
Older then I was when I stopped believing in God, but not much.

23. I am a
Filthy Hippie.
Unspeakably vile Swede.

24. I open my gifts
On Christmas Day.
On Christmas Eve.
A few days before Christmas in the middle of the night in a fit of depression.
After killing every last person in the home I have randomly chosen to invade.

25. The True Meaning of Christmas is
The possibility of brotherhood and peace amongst all the peoples of the world.
The birth of Jesus Christ, God's only begotten son.
The inherent superiority of all forms of Christianity (except for Unitarian Universalism), the only true religion.
The false sense of security that is the seasoning on Satan's feast at the inevitable and impending collapse of all that is sacred and worthwhile.


Questions or Comments about this piece?
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