Kids! It's me, your old pal, Federal Park Ranger David "Opie" Opossum!
According to Opie's Email Funbag For Kids, a lot of you were
under the oppression that ol' Ranger Opie was dead, but I was just
playin'! Sorry, parents! See, if there's two things opossum's LOVE
to do, it's eat out of your garbage can in the middle of the night,
play dead, and get crushed flat by cars!
you know some Real True Animal Fun Facts about Opossums! Here's
another one: We Opossums are the only Marsupial's in North America!
Know what a Marsupial is? A critter that has tiny, repulsive, helpless
little hairless blind babies 'bout the size of one joint of your pinky
finger! They're born way too weak to live outside their mommies' birthamajiggy, so they crawl inside a 'pouch' and live there for a few
months! Know what else is in the pouch? That's right, good for you,
possum mucus! Lots and lots of possum mucus!
Boy oh boy, learnin' 'bout animals sure is fun! Wanna learn some more?
Great! How 'bout one of you kids run on into the package store over
their and get your old uncle Federal Park Ranger Dave 'Opie' Opossum
some of his learnin' tonic and we'll all settle in around the fire pit
and learn some real true fun facts about animals! Just ask to see
Randy an' tell him it's for me, he knows what I need. An' if he gives
you any shinola 'bout not sellin' alcohol to kids just remind him how
camp fires sometimes get out of control!
Say, I know this fella! He's a BROWN BEAR! His scientific name
is Ursus Arctos! You can find this kind of bear all over the Northern
Hemisphere. They're big; they can weigh up to 1,500 pounds! That's a
lot of bear! Mighty fast too for such a big guy. They been clocked
runnin' up to seventy five hundred miles an hour! They sure are faster
than a scared kid. They hibernate, but not real deep, so I can't say
this emphatically enough, kids: Do NOT fuck around with a hibernating
Brown Bear. It will wake up cranky and whack your head clean off with
one swipe of it's meaty paw. Know how many kids we lost last year on
account of irresponsible fucking around with hibernating Brown Bears?
718. That's in this park alone.
Now this little critter is a lot less dangerous. You could crush one
of these buggers under your boot, if you could catch up with 'em,
which you can't unless you got, like a blowgun full of tranquilizer
darts or somesuch. The EASTERN CHIPMUNK, or Tamias Striatusa.
Cute, huh? They can climb trees as good as any squirrel, but they
mostly prefer to live underground in complex tunnel and burrow
systems. They store food down there, and treasure and Chipmunk porn.
Female Chipmunks have two breeding seasons and have litters of two to
four babies, called 'pups', 'kits' or 'snake appetizers'. They are the
only mammals besides man that think piercings are sexy.
The BROWN RECLUSE SPIDER, Loxosceles reclusa, of the family
Sicariidae (formerly of the family Loxoscelidae) is usually between
1⁄4 and 3⁄4 inch (6-20mm) but may grow larger. It is brown and
sometimes an almost deep yellow color and usually has markings on the
dorsal side of its cephalothorax, with a black line coming from it
that looks like a violin with the neck of the violin pointing to the
rear of the spider, resulting in the nickname "fiddleback spider" or
"violin spider". Coloring varies from light tan to brown and the
violin marking may not be visible. The bite of this highly toxic
critter turns its' victim into zombies, the sort that can only be
killed by destroying the brain. The severed heads of Brown Recluse Spider victims can live
independently if removed, but pose little threat, as how the hell
would they get around?
THOMPSON'S HAIRLESS TROUSER BAT is extremely rare, and
endangered and may not be an animal at all. You'd need to ask
Thompson, and be forewarned, he blushes like a Japanese school girl at
the mere suggestion that you might like an exploratory gander.
This here's the OCTOPUS, about which I know fuck all, as it is
a sea creature. I'm told they exist on a diet of squid and small fish,
have a fondness for opium and will be your best friend one day and cut
you open from behind the next. Their Latin name is Marcus Aurelias
unless I'm thinking of something else entirely, and the Japanese dry
'em out, crush 'em up and use the resulting flakes for something
The PROBISCUS MONKEY, or Nasilus Larvatus, lives only in Borneo
and looks damn ridiculous. Long the butt of jokes that go something
like "are you eating a banana, or just upside down and glad to see me"
There are only about 3000 left alive to me, which is 3000 more than
there would be if I lived in Borneo and had a big hammer. Other big
nose animals are the Elephant, The Elephant seal, the Elephant shrew,
and that guy in the movie 'The Elephant Man'. It is unlikely that the
Proboscis Monkey could cross breed with any of these other big nose
creatures, but if it could, Brrrrr, Chucko, THAT shit would be
a stone freak out.
The NORTHERN SPOTTY EWOK is perhaps Canada's most insidious
bowel parasite. Usually acquired by swimming in contaminated lakes,
streams or sewage treatment leeching vats, it can only be flushed out
of the system by consuming a very nearly fatal amount of gin and
suffering the consequences.
The STANDARD MEXICAN FAIRY VOLE cannot be trusted.
The WALNUT, or Ut-nay Al-way, while not an animal in the usual
sense, is nocturnal, omnivorous, vituperative and caustic. When
cornered it emits a viscous black fluid that causes blindness if it
comes in contact with the eyes by way of being slathered on an immense
wrecking ball swung into the victim's face. The 'horn' of the walnut,
highly favored by the Japanese as an aphrodisiac, is not a true horn,
but rather the Walnut's wallet. Jimminy!
The JAPANESE GIANT SALAMANDER is the most disgusting animal on
the planet, bar none. This slimy, secretive bastard should be shot on
site as its very existence gives me the horrors. Anyone who says 'God
is Love' needs to be stuffed in a sack with one of these hideous,
gooey, violent monstrosities until their views on the nature of God
become more aligned with the idea of a creator who allows such
despicable filth to live. Extinction is too good for them. Someone
needs to go back in time to prevent them from ever coming into being.
Well kiddies, that's all the time Ranger Dave has to learn you up on
fun animal facts! Us Federal Park Employees need our beauty sleep,
especially those of us with nauseating hairless tails hanging off
their backsides. Thanks for liquoring me up, and remember, human life
as we know it is already pretty much doomed by the massive amounts of
Carbon Dioxide it spewed into the atmosphere before it had any idea at
all what it was doing, so you might as well do whatever floats your
boat now, 'cause it's just too damn late. Any of you kids need
anything in the middle of the night, it's no use yelling, as chances
are pretty good Ranger Opie will be a road pizza about ten minutes
from now. Hey, I'm three years old, I'm livin' on borrowed time.
Questions or Comments about this piece?
email Max Burbank
Want to experience some more
animal fun facts?
Then check out:
Wildlife Treasury Remembered!