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Pirate Toys!
by: Protoclown

With the final Pirates of the Caribbean movie coming out this week, pirates are kind of on a lot of people's minds right now, so I decided this would be a good time to take a look at some pirate toys out there that allow you too to "live the adventure".

What pirate out there doesn't covet the thought of gold doubloons? However, I don't think I've heard of pirates chasing after gold doubloons imprinted with the images of Abraham Lincoln or John F. Kennedy...

And where better to store said anachronistic doubloons than a crappy cardboard chest? Sure to preserve your treasure intact for years to come! Especially when you bury it in the cold wet ground!

As a pirate, you're pretty much obligated to draw a map (that you will inevitably lose) pinpointing the exact location where you've buried your secret treasure, so that it can later be found by some treasure seeker who will rob your riches right from under your nose! Ironically, this plastic treasure map will last longer than the cardboard box the actual treasure is buried in.

Of course, if you're a truly insane pirate, you can cut your map up with a jigsaw, put it in a bottle, and toss it out to sea so that any prospective treasure hunters will have to really work for it.

And any pirate worth his salt is going to have an eye patch to show that he's been around the seven seas a few times, he's taken a lickin' and he's kept on a'tickin'. These days however, a simple black eye patch won't do. Most pirates wouldn't be caught dead on the streets these days without having a little bling.

If you've somehow managed to keep both of your eyes during your seafaring adventures, you've almost certainly lost a hand or a leg to a crocodile, angry foreign midget brigade, or some similar threat. And if not, you've got no business calling yourself a pirate. Even most software, movie, and music pirates these days have severe physical scarring resulting from the daily hardships of their trade. Think of it as a "badge of honor" without which credibility is a scarce commodity.

Some pirates are looking for a little more than your standard boring metal hook, and thus will try to liven things up a bit with a morbid twist. Skull hooks like this one were of course made famous by the dreaded Babyheadhands Malone.

It's not just gold doubloons that pirates collect; many take delight in fine gemstones such as these as well. Of course, this particular type of gemstone is also sought after by Dungeons & Dragons nerds, who will often try to combat pirates for ownership of these fine gems in an event known as live-action role-playing, or LARPing. This does not usually end well for the nerds, who usually resolve fights by simply telling their opponent how many "hit points" of damage they've just taken and that they have to fall down dead now.

Pirates need places to store their loot when they haven't foolishly buried it where it will be dug up by someone else, which is why they carry big gay purses like this. Some will try to "badass up" their purses by decorating them with skulls, sea serpents, or other intimidating icons, but they're not fooling anybody, because carrying a purse still means you're just a big girl.

Ships used to communicate by using different flags to signal one another, but these days pirates usually relay messages to one another by cell phone.

Any pirate would be a fool to travel the oceans without a spyglass to spot far away ships and land, but many pirates find that a kaleidoscope looks a lot like a spyglass if they just pretend, and what it displays is often far prettier than any boring old ship or chunk of dirt anyway.

A pirate's also got to arm himself with reliable weapons if he wants to survive, but in this age of lightsabers and laser pistols a simple cutlass won't do. It's got to be electronic somehow, with lot of bells and whistles that require lots of battery power without delivering any discernible benefits.

Straight-up flintlock pistols used to be in vogue back in the day, but now you need something a bit more amped up than that if you want to make an impression. Something like the Jumbo Shark Power Squirter will certainly turn heads and let them know that you mean business.

If you want to show people how badass you are, you can always put on the ol' "Nassau necktie" to let them know you're one hardcore son of a bitch. No one will believe that you were almost hanged of course, but that liquid latex shit can be really annoying to get off, so there's still some kind of status symbol in there somewhere.

Most people think of monkeys and parrots being the most common pirate companions, but what about the oft-forgotten pirate duck? Do they not find themselves more at home on the water than tree-dwelling mammals and sky-soaring birds?

If you just want to temporarily look like a pirate without all the serious commitment these other accessories entail, you can simply don this paper pirate mask, and all who see you will be none the wiser. Though if you really believe that, you may as well save your dollar and draw a face on a paper grocery bag with a crayon, because it has all the same level of realism as this.

One popular pastime on a ship out at sea is blowing bubbles. Even the most rugged, mean looking pirates aren't immune to fun!

Similarly, pirates enjoy yoyos as well. In fact, the popular pirate phrase "yo ho ho" is just a bastardization of "yoyo, ho?" which one pirate would ask another when they wanted to face off in a competition of yoyo skills. The yoyo trick now known as "walking the dog" used to be referred to as "walking the plank".

For those who want to get their pirate thrills more vicariously, there's always pirate toys such as these, where you can enjoy piratey adventures in a more external, godlike role.

Ah yes, there's no better role model for a young child to have than rapists and murderers!

You can also enjoy the pirate lifestyle through board games such as this, where if it's anything like the regular version of "Life", you raise a family, pay lots of bills, and race towards retirement and death. Which doesn't sound particularly piratey (or fun) at all.

Then there's this pirate's "treasure adventure" that comes with every accessory you could ever want for, as long as you pretend that you're some kind of giant who dwarfs treasure chests and palm trees both. It even comes with "Bono shades" (pretentious yellow tint not included) so you can feel like a pirate rock star.

And finally, you've got this happy little guy, complete with hook hand, white Mickey Mouse glove (a pirate staple), parrot clawing into his shoulder, a peg leg rising all the way to his crotch, and what looks like a shoe made from a stapler clamping down on a very large slice of bacon. He really is the definitive pirate.

The pirate's life is clearly not for everyone, but if you possess the steely resolve to endure the harsh ways of the seafaring lifestyle, these useful items will almost certainly come in handy to you.

Questions or Comments about this piece?
email Protoclown

If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out:

The One-Dollar Pirate!

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