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Pro Wrestling - Where Are They Now?
by: Dr. Boogie
 

The status of celebrity carries with it many responsibilities. In exchange for being paid millions of dollars to pretend to be someone you're not, and being for all intents and purposes above the law, one must endure nosy paparazzi and the constant threat of being "punk'd." Worst of all, celebrities must submit to being the subjects of humiliating "where are they now" documentaries that show just how far they've sunk. This is one of those documentaries:

Pro Wrestling told the story of five valiant men, and one hideous lake monster, struggling to win the title of Grand Wizard of Wrestling. But what happened to them after the events of the game? Did they burn off into obscurity like Karnov, or did they catapult to the top of a stagnant gaming empire like the Mario Brothers? The answer lies somewhere betwixt the two. And now, imagine some fancy visuals and musical accompaniment as I introduce Pro Wrestling: Where Are They Now?

Raised by his mother, Homemaker Hayabusa.

Fighter Hayabusa had the honor of always being the first one to fight. However, he was a man who carried great sorrow on his brown-edged shoulders, for he was adopted, and had never met his true father. In 1989, he was given the chance to meet his real dad when word reached him that Ryu Hayabusa had come to America looking for the man who had killed his father. Upon hearing the news, Fighter took the next available flight to New York, and in a seedy tavern, he confronted his biological fatherů

Ninja Gaiden gets even trickier.

Shortly thereafter, the high drama gave way to much hugging, and Fighter was soon back with his real family. At first, his adopted father objected to the idea, but he dropped his objections after Ryu split him in 'twain. Ah, the happy family.

Cthulhu fhtagn!

The horrific man monster known only as "The Amazon" has had a particularly rough ride. As you can imagine, finding work is no small feat when you're a grotesque, Lovecraftian beast. Small children are urged not to stare at him, and grown men balk at the mere sight of him. Try as he might, he failed every audition, and the less said about his brief career as a swimsuit model the better. Few people know this, but he was originally slated to star in Rampage:

I'd play it.

Sadly, it was not to be, as the Amazon was forced to withdraw from the project when he was sued by Universal Studios for kidnapping Hollywood actress Julie Adams, as seen below:

Seriously, the fish was this big.

The biggest panther I've ever seen.

Giant Panther, like many of the wrestlers, chose to remain on the circuit. He was a crowd favorite with his array of deadly moves like the flying knee and the face push. Yes, it seemed like the money train would never stop coming for ol' GP. Tragedy occurred, however, when just last year, Giant Panther was taking a flight to Barcelona to have a match with the Spicy Marimba. Airport security mistook him for a Middle Easterner on account of his deep tan, and proceeded to beat him within an inch of his life right there in the terminal:

God help him if they find his nail clippers...

He is currently being held for crimes that have not yet been disclosed by the government, but it's a small price to pay for our safety, right? Right.

Starring Jeff Bridges.

Star Man, purple purveyor of punishment, also wished to remain in the leagues. And so he remained for some time. "From whence came this swarthy extraterrestrial," you may be asking? In truth, it was from none other than Mexico that this mysterious visitor came, according to his bio. Indeed, it seems that Star Man was not just an alien, but an illegal alien. In 1995, INS discovered that he was here on an expired visa, and promptly deported him. Despite this major setback, Star Man has maintained his career as a pro wrestler in the Mexican wrestling leagues:

Donde esta la biblioteca?
Vaya con Dios, mi amigo.

Ruler of the lanky!

The story of King Slender is even more tragic than that of Giant Panther (perhaps Tragic-er, you could say). He was slated for a match one night when he decided that he would give the crowd a real show during his introduction. Minutes before his match, he would make his way up to the catwalks overlooking the ring and lower himself down a length of rope, all the while beaconing to his fans to increase their cheering. At first, the plan went well, as the crowd cheered, and King Slender blew them kisses. Unfortunately, he made one extremely exaggerated kiss to an especially attractive lady in the audience, and in the process lost his grip on the rope.

Kids, don't try this at home.

The fall snapped his neck like a twig, and he was dead well before the paramedics arrived. Adding insult to (fatal) injury, the woman he had blown that final kiss to hated professional wrestling, and was only there because she wanted to confront Slender's opponent, The Rear Admiral, about the illegitimate children he had left her with.

Good thing his middle name starts with a C.

Kin Corn Karn loved to play the role of villain. He frequently taunted the audience, and brutalized his opponents with moves like the "'Me So Solly' Flipkick," and the infamous "Korean Barbeque." However, in the years to come, there would be little demand in professional wrestling for a wrestler whose act was based primarily on ethnic slurs. Karn was summarily laid off, and none of the other wrestling organizations wanted anything to do with his highly-offensive shenanigans. It was for this reason that Kin Corn Karn was forced to abandon the life of a professional wrestler and settle into a more pedestrian lifestyle. He currently works as a ride operator at Disney World.

What's scarier than a shirtless man in hotpants?

And there you have it. The life of a pro wrestler is fraught with opportunities and perils. While many would be told about what a pity it was, only a select few would be told that a winner is them. The rest were doomed to sulk. I'd like to end this piece with a plea to my audience: please give what you can to the King Slender Memorial Fund. Your donations will go to help the widows of svelte monarchs around the world. Thank you.

NEVAR FORGET!!!

note: You may have noticed that "The Great Puma" was mysteriously absent from this story. Our researchers weren't able to establish any real facts about his current whereabouts. We've only heard rumors about him going mad and hunting deer with his bare hands in the mountains. Again these are just rumors and we can only speculate about their validity.


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