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Preparing For Santa!
by: Dr. Boogie

In a few short days, we'll be getting a visit from a certain man known for giving gifts to good little girls and boys to cover up for his busy night of home invasions, Santa Claus. It is important that we all be prepared for his arrival to insure that your Christmas will be spent enjoying your brand new toys, and not grousing over coal.

The secret is to go through Santa himself. To that end, here are five ways to get on St. Nick's good side and undo an entire year's worth of naughtiness.

Tip #1: Compose your Christmas list.

Santa has got a lot of ground to cover in one night. Therefore, it would behoove the both of you if you had your Christmas list made up before his arrival. You see, when Santa arrives at a home, he first has to consult his list of behaviors, and then, he has to consult a second list (checked at least once, but less than thrice) to determine what gift should be left for that person. To expedite Santa's drop off and hopefully score yourself some points with the big guy, make up a list of the gifts you want and leave it somewhere where Santa can easily find it. This way, Santa can just reach into his magic bag and pull out whatever toy it is that you're after. I've typed up a list of my own so you can see what a good list looks like:

What, no cocaine?

Tip #2: Clear the fireplace.

If you're like me, you've got crap all over the place where you live, and you've probably piled up a far amount of it against every bit of available wall space in order to make room for rockin' parties in the center of the room. Furthermore, if you're like me, you've probably blocked the fireplace because you have no use for a fireplace 364 days out of the year.

Somebody call the fire marshal!

Christmas, however, is the one time when it actually pays to have a fireplace, even a gas one with a big fake log and no real chimney to speak of. Prior to the 24th, I make sure that all the boxes full of junk that I've accumulated over the years are carefully pushed out from in front of the fireplace to allow easy access for Santa.

I wanna see his fat ass make it through that lil' fireplace

There. I've streamlined the entry process just for you, Santa!

Now, to take care of the inner works...

Tip #3: Cookies are for chumps.

When you were a kid, or when you were a really young kid (Our ratings tell me that my key demographic is males age 8 to 14), your parents may have told you that you should leave milk and cookies out to give Santa a quick gnosh. There's a reason your parents tell you that: anyone can leave cookies for Santa. They're easy to make, and even easier to buy, and so even little kids with low self esteem can say that they helped Santa out. For us adults, however, the field of Santa-feeding is more open. I, for example, have made Santa some nice Crème Brûlée.

Take your cookies and shove 'em where the crème don't shine!

I'm sure he'll enjoy it far more than any mere cookie.

As for milk, you might as well leave that out of the equation altogether. Do realize how many homes Santa visits every night? Now imagine that Santa drinks every glass of milk left for him. Why, he wouldn't even be able to finish a single city before his stomach burst. Remember the "milk challenge"? Well, that's just with one gallon. I don't know about you, but I'd rather not be responsible for Santa's milk-bloated stomach exploding and reigning down a loathsome mix of milk and bile upon the homes of sleeping children the world over.

Never hurts to kiss a lil' ass, right?

Ok, then. Now, you've got a nice little setup going. Now, though, it's time to put away the camera.


Tip #4: No cameras.

Let's face it: Santa is sick of cameras. Hell, even mall Santas aren't crazy about having their pictures taken with hundreds of screaming kids, and they're just regular joes like you and me. With Santa, though, the camera is even more of a bother, as people are constantly trying to capture him on film to prove that he does indeed exist. However, their efforts are in vain. You see, Santa's image cannot be captured on film, not unlike the common vampire. Or, maybe that's mirrors. Well, I think I read somewhere that there are a couple of mirrors in most cameras. I'm fairly certain I didn't make that part up. Anyway, the big guy still doesn't like people taking his picture. That said, be professional about this, people. You're supposed to be asleep anyway, not skulking around your living room waiting to annoy Santa while he gives you free stuff.

And that brings me to my final tip...

Tip #5: Get to bed early.

It's important to get to bed nice and early on the 24th. The sooner you get to bed, the sooner Christmas will come. It's a proven fact. I don't quite understand it myself, but I've seen it happen before. From what I do understand, though, Santa has the ability to manipulate time. How else do you expect him to make his rounds in a single night? Moreover, though, he uses his powers to convert large amounts dead plants and foliage into coal in an instant, which allows him to knock out so many naughty people. Getting back to the subject at hand, you'll want to go to bed as soon as you can to avoid prolonging your anticipation for Christmas. Me...

That's P.M. in case you were wondering

I'm getting to bed nice and early.

Keep your voices down! He's trying to sleep!

Good night, everyone. I know Christmas isn't for a few more days, but I need to get used to this new sleep schedule I've come up with. With any luck, I should be used to it by the 24th, and that means opening up all my great gifts at 1 am. I suggest you all follow me in due course.

Note: Dr. Boogie realizes the irony in using the Yiddishism, "gnosh," in an article about a Christian holiday. Please do not email him about this.

Note #2: Dr. Boogie clearly used this piece as an excuse to make Crème Brûlée.

Questions or Comments about this piece?
email Dr. Boogie

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