Santa's Reindeer!
by: Protoclown

Okay, so we've all heard that annoying Christmas song that talks about Santa's various reindeer, but what do we really know about them? Well, not much really. Sure, there's the old claymation special about Rudolph, but aside from our protagonist, it paints a very two-dimensional picture of our reindeer cast. Also, upon closer inspection, we discover that many of these "reindeer" aren't actually reindeer at all, but that this is sort of a loose metaphorical codeword to describe Santa's drivers at this point, kind of like a name to describe a really wussy biker gang. At one time they used to all be real reindeer of different names, but over time they've been replaced here and there as they got killed in various horrible accidents, and now there's only one genuine reindeer left.

So who are they? Let's find out:


Dasher is the resident speed-freak among the reindeer, and by that I mean he's a total meth fiend, not that he's in any way faster than the others. Unfortunately, this has led Santa to implement mandatory drug testing among his employees, but thus far Dasher has managed to avoid getting fired by using a device called "The Urinator" to swap his urine for someone else's. Everyone knows he's a junkie, but since they can't actually prove it, he sticks around for now. Plus, he's good with the kids. I mean, just look at him.


Dancer and Prancer are both replacement reindeer who filled the void left by prior enlisted reindeer helpers Batman and Robin. They are also totally gay. And a couple. When you see Santa and his reindeer metaphorically flying through the sky above your house, by which I mean driving by out front, the one wearing tights and twirling around lots of long silk scarves is Dancer.


Prancer argues that he's the replacement for Robin in their definitely-gay duo, but this has become a point of contention between them, as neither of them apparently wants to be the stand-in for Batman, because "he's simply not colorful enough". Prancer appreciates the fact that he and his life partner can be openly gay and still accepted among Santa's work crew, and for as long as Santa's got affirmative action obligations to fulfill, they will remain gainfully employed.


If there is a total slut among the reindeer, Vixen is it. She is also the token female, which means that she's always being harassed by the other reindeer. But she understands how to use her feminine wiles to get what she wants, which is usually fancy things like nice diamond jewelry or shiny tin foil.


Comet is the suspected leader of the Heaven's Gate suicide death cult, having convinced its members to kill themselves by dressing like a woman and using the alias Haley Bopp. Comet is a sadistic killer and is considered extremely dangerous. If you see Comet, do not approach him yourself, but call the police immediately and vacate the premises. Comet sometimes chooses to appear as what can only be described as "a big ball of ice with a lot of bullshit behind it".


Cupid is the reindeer of love, which means he's always trying to get it on with the other reindeer (especially, but not exclusively, Vixen), and Santa constantly has to squirt him in the face with the water bottle. Cupid does not understand why, but a lunatic calling himself the "Eggplant Wizard" considers himself Cupid's sworn enemy and always throws eggplants at him, saying they will transform him into an eggplant himself. While this has never actually happened, the eggplants do hurt quite a bit when thrown.


Some people call this reindeer "Donder", but this is inaccurate. Donner must forever bear the unfortunate stigma of having cannibalized three of Santa's former reindeer: Zeppo, Shemp, and Alfalfa, after getting lost in the woods and coming across a barrel of radioactive waste that some say turned him into an ever-hungry flesh-craving zomdeer. The other reindeer find him most unnerving, as he tends to smell like rotting flesh and constantly tries to eat them.


This Decepticon originally infiltrated Santa's reindeer group on the behest of Megatron, who thought to extract Energon from the toys lovingly crafted by Santa's elves. Over time however, Blitzwing grew fond of Santa, his elves, and the other reindeer, and decided to flip Megatron the bird and stick around on Team Santa. He can also transform into a tank, which can be very useful when Santa wants to hit the Black Friday sales (hey, you think he and his elves make everything?) and clear a quick path to the good deals.


His closest friends call him "Rudy" and this guy is much like the little engine that could. No matter how many people told him that he sucked the yellow out of snow, he just kept on pluggin' along. When their slanderous words failed to stop him, people decided that punching him directly in the face would do the trick. It seemed like a logical enough progression to crush the hopes and dreams of this lil' guy, but it backfired on his assailants. Their repeated facial poundings just made Rudolph's nose swell up with blood and he quickly became a legendary symbol of Christmas. Sure, he was the fightin' Irish symbol of Christmas, but a symbol nonetheless. Also worth mentioning is the fact that Rudy recently went running off with his friend "Frodo" mumbling something about a ring and taters (ah the Irish spirit lives on!) and hasn't been seen since.

So there. Now you've learned something. I bet that before this you still thought that the reindeer were actually reindeer that fly around and shit. But of course you know now that such ideas are ridiculous.

Questions or Comments about this piece?
email Protoclown

If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out:

Sixteen Serious Questions Raised by Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer!
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Reader Comments

100% Regulator
Oct 27th, 2008, 04:34 PM
wow I just saw comet, I am scared
Jul 17th, 2010, 09:05 PM
Blitzwing, LOL. Just to be a linguistics jerk, Donner and Blitzen means "Thunder and Lightning" in German.

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