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Spider-Man Web Splashers!
by: Protoclown
 

Anyone who's ever walked down a toy aisle knows that there are some really bizarre toys out there, but there are some toys that defy logic so much you just have to wonder what kind of drug stew was consumed prior to their conception. Marvel Comics has certainly had their odd share of toys featuring their characters, particularly Spider-Man (he is their most popular character, after all). RoG has already mentioned the various "adventure toys" featuring Spider-Man, which were almost certainly smuggled in from another planet, but the last time I was in Target I decided to pop down the toy aisle to see what was new, and my senses were assaulted by the Spider-Man "Web Splashers" line.

This is a series of toys that involve Spider-Man and water-related gear, because spiders and water are two great tastes that go great together, apparently. And this isn't a new line either, there have been more than three different series dating back as far as 1997. I'd been completely ignorant of them until now, but they're just so insanely amusing that I have to share them with as many people as possible. I'm only going to highlight the ones that I think are best, so if you're some toy nerd who has a problem with the fact that I forgot to include the "periwinkle-blue" variant of the Seaweed Munching Vulture toy, then god help you.


Shark Trap Spidey

This toy is notable because it's one of the few that actually bothered to give Spider-Man some kind of breathing apparatus so he doesn't drown while he's completely out of his urban jungle jurisdiction. He's got an inflatable raft and a little tiny cage to catch something as large as a small child, or perhaps even a fat jellyfish. Fortunately for kids everywhere however, he comes with a mutated, growth-stunted baby shark that doesn't even have the power to menace a bathtub. Why would Spidey be out hunting sharks anyway? Many of his enemies are animal themed—a rhino, a vulture, hell, even an octopus, which is an actual water-dwelling creature, but I'm not aware of a villain named Shark Man. Actually, that baby shark has the same eyes and tongue as Venom! Dear christ, did Venom fuck a female shark and this is their twisted offspring!?


Web Splasher Spidey

This eponymous member of the toy line features Spider-Man with a very large backpack, and as near as I can tell what's going on here is that he's actually replaced his webbing with water. For what purpose I cannot say. Perhaps he merely wants to be an asshole to campers out enjoying a night in the wilderness, basking in the glow of a warm campfire? "Don't worry kids, I'll save you from those dastardly marshmallows!" *squirt squirt drizzle*


Hydro Man

I've read a lot of Marvel comics, but I'm proud to say I have no idea who this guy is. I can tell you with utmost confidence however that he totally sucks. I mean, what can you really do with the superpower of the enema that keeps on giving?


Soak 'n Toss Spidey

I can't for the life of me figure this one out. Okay, so I know there's a type of fish with a light up dangly ass, but what on earth good is it for Spider-Man to walk around with a streetlamp on top of his head? Also, that whole getup looks kind of heavy, and guess who forgot to include his underwater breathing gear again?


Aqua Blast Spidey

If the last one was puzzling, I'm really at a loss to explain this one. I don't really see anything practical at all here, but what I do see is a backpack that must weigh upwards of 300 lbs and a target hovering above Spidey's head. It's reminiscent of one of those dunking tanks at the fair, so maybe someone is supposed to sit up above Spidey, and when someone else hits the target with a water balloon they fall down on his head? Doesn't seem a very effective way to fight crime.


Hydro Blast Spidey

Criminals beware! Spider-Man is packing web-painted hot dogs, which he will shoot out with all the force a super soaker can muster, if and only if a giant god-like hand descends from the heavens and tickles the odd protrusion sticking out from his shoulder blades!


Deep Sea Doc Ock

Okay, yes, octopi do belong in the water, I'll give them that. However, they seem to have taken away all of his extra arms that make him Doc Ock in the first place and turned him into a Cyclops, which isn't very octopus-like at all. In fact, he bears an uncanny resemblance to a certain He-Man figure:


Tri-Klops


Aqua Tech Namor

So far Namor is the only character in this toy line that actually has anything whatsoever to do with the ocean. But for some reason they've given him a "shell wave blaster" to ride around on, which is just silly for someone who can probably swim faster on his own. Oh and he can also fly. They've also given him some strange body armor, which while leaving all of his major organs completely unprotected, does at least offer more cover than his usual green speedos.


Hydro Venom

I wish I could find the words for this, but I can't.


Wet Suit Spidey

Apparently Spider-Man has borrowed a gun from Cable that needs to hook into the side of his neck to work. Or is that his ear? "This cannon is powered by my listening!" And while the weight of his oversized arm cannon and backpack are dragging him down to the ocean floor, he'll again notice the complete oversight of any sort of breathing apparatus whatsoever.


Aqua Carnage

Having mutated into living rock candy, Carnage says "Let's take a swim!" and decides to face Spider-Man on underwater turf that they're equally unfamiliar with. Oh wait. Carnage is kind of an idiot so that actually makes sense.


Kayak Spidey

That's not a kayak. They may as well have called him "Pogo Stick Spider-Man" or "One of Those Double-Decker Busses They Have Over in England Spider-Man". But hey, check out the older paunchier version of Kayak Spidey, also known as "Too Much Junk Food" Spider-Man:


Ocean Battle Venom

When Venom prepares for a fight in the ocean, he magically enlarges his hands so that they're easily three times bigger than his head. And he works out with one of those big balls that people use at the gym to do sit-ups on that every time I try to use I end up falling over and looking like an idiot because sitting on balls is not natural, unless you're a woman, gay, or have elephantitis of the testicles.


Sea Battle Spidey

Spider-Man on the other hand turns into a gelatinous version of himself before he goes out for an underwater rumble. But perhaps in this form he has the stinging power of a jellyfish? But more likely he has the edible deliciousness of a gummy bear.


Hydro Float Spidey

Is it just me, or does this Spidey look kind of like a gay construction worker? The big shoulder pads and booties are so last year, and most people opt to carry their tool kit rather than have it grafted to their leg. And awww, look, I think he's wearing floaties!


Sea Hunter Spidey

It doesn't look so much like Spidey is going hunting as it does he's going skiing with all the wrong tools. Or maybe he plans to stoke a fire with that poker and sweep up the ashes with the seashell broom? Kind of hard to do underwater.


Scuba Splash Spidey

This one totally looks like he stole a Predator's helmet. And look! He even comes with an ejaculating butt pump!


Extreme Wind Surfing Spidey

It looks more to me like Spidey is about to compete in a bicycle race. But hey, kudos to Toy Biz for hopping on the trendy bandwagon and having him be "extreme". Even if it is just extremely gay. Oh snap!


Web Cannon Spidey

I actually don't see a cannon here at all. Instead, it looks like he's attached giant oranges (or testes... or giant orange testes) to his wrists. And look at the spider insignia on his chest. He couldn't even get it on straight. That's just sloppy.

That about sums it up. The rest of the figures are basically too similar to ones already shown to bother including. Why Marvel and Toy Biz chose to give Spider-Man a line of water-based toys when they already have other characters (like Namor) who are more at home underwater, I'll never know. But I'm glad they did. Because as long as they keep giving me reasons to do a double take and wonder "what the fuck!?" in the toy aisle, I'll be a happy camper.

Questions or Comments about this piece? Do you know of any other stupid or bizarre toy lines that should be given the same kind of attention as this?
email Protoclown


If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out:

Stupid Toys: Part 2! (including more horrible Spidey figures!)
STUPID TOYS: PART 2!



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