Shorts

Seven Teeth-Grindingly Stupid Spider-Man
Related Things That Hurt My Brain Real Bad!

by: Max Burbank

Yes, yes, fine, I'm as excited about Spider-Man 3 as the next dufus. I'll see it in I-Max. I thoroughly enjoyed the first two movies despite the Green Goblins dumb ass costume and I never gave a crap about organic web shooters VS. mechanical ones (and by the way, if you care about that at all, you will never ever have sex without paying for it). While Spidey has never been my number one favorite hero, off and on throughout my comic book reading life I've picked up his books and enjoyed them.

I'll tell you what though. The proof positive that he's an important piece of American art is that having been put through some of the most heinous embarrassments ever suffered by any fictional character, he's still a cultural Icon. It's as if Sherlock Holmes had retained his popularity while solving half his cases wearing a sequined tutu and a plantain shoved part way up his ass.

Briefly, and in no particular order, here's what I'm saying.

THE LIVE ACTION SPIDER-MAN TV SHOW

Every bit as good as this photo

I have only hazy memories of this show and a good thing too, because even those give me the kind of Migraines curable only by ripping your own head off, which is not easy, owing to problems of leverage. I do recall that it featured the agonizingly slow pace of all 1977 television action shows. If you like 2-3 minute establishing shots of cars pulling into driveways, you'll probably disagree. There were no Supervillians to speak of, just the same kind of thugs, spies, teens gone bad and sneaky foreigners you found lurking around the set of The Bionic Woman. This was probably just as well, since the one costume they couldn't skip, Spidey's, looked like one-piece Pajamas equipped with a Lycra stuff sack as a mask. I don't recall Spidey ever swinging from a web, but he did a lot of swarming up walls. This was achieved by filming a stunt man worming about and kind of dry humping a blue screen and then matting the results directly over stock footage of buildings. It made me uneasy in ways I was not ready to understand.

THE SPIDER-MAN FISHERMAN ACTION FIGURE

Maryjane's secret fetish: rubber hip waders.

I'm a very lucky man, because if someone ever sneaks up behind me, shoves a gun in my back and says, "Tell me the dumbest superhero toy ever or I'll blow your spine out", I'm good. Now you are too. You can thank me later. Peter Parker, though very busy, may have on occasion gone fishing. But can any of you think of a single, remotely plausible reason he'd do it in costume? And not just costume, but a modified costume featuring custom made Spidey hip waders. Which I guess means your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man is into Fly Fishin'. On the plus side, I kind of dig the floppy fishing hat. I mean, try hanging your hand tied flies off a skintight facemask some time. THAT shit can get VERY painful VERY fast.

MS. LION

After the show got canceled I became a meth addicted dog prostitute in about a week.

On the 1981 animated series "Spider-Man and his Amazing Friends" (and isn't the title kind of like eating broken glass?), Spidey hung around with a Lhasa Apso named "Ms. Lion". Know who else spends time with Lhasa Apso's? Offensively stereotypical Greenwich Village Nineteen-Seventies gaywads. I'm just saying.

PETER PORKER THE SPECTACULAR SPIDER-HAM

Jews do not care for this version of Spider-Man

A spider gets bitten by a radioactive anthropomorphic pig and becomes Spider-Ham. The comic runs for seventeen issues. I am BEGGING you to kill me. I had to get insanely high to even consider writing about this. Spider-Ham is the only thing in all of Marvel Comics worse than the X-Babies.

SPIDER VEHICLE TOYS

Wait! I can't drive! I'm just a picture of Spider-Man mounted into this car!

Okay, I have no problem with Batmobile toys, because a) The Batmobile is a time-honored part of the Batman Mythos, b) Batman is rich enough to have a Bat-car, c) It goes well with his obsessive compulsive Bat-boat, Bat-plane, Bat-copter and the Bat-ostomy supplies he will undoubtedly have custom made in his Bat-old age, and d) He has a cave to park it in when he's not using it. Spider-Man has none of those things. The only toy stupider than a Spider Vehicle, of which toy companies have made many, are Superman Vehicles. Because he can fly and it doesn't make him tired. However, that being said...

THE SPIDERMOBILE

Now I have everything I need to seduce Annette Funicello!
How ironic that owning a Spider Dune Buggy immediately turns you into a eunuch!

In the 1974 "Amazing Spider-man" # 130, Johnny Storm, AKA The Human Torch, gifts Spidey with a Spidey-themed Dune Buggy. I SHIT YOU NOT! A car company wants Spider-Man to endorse its non-polluting engine. I SHIT YOU NOT! They want his endorsement despite the fact that he is largely viewed by the public as a dangerous criminal lunatic. I SHIT YOU NOT! It has web shooters and a Spider Signal. I SHIT YOU NOT! Even though Spider-Man was the driver so who the hell would he be signaling? I SHIT YOU NOT! As stupid as the Spider Dune Buggy was, it was far from the stupidest thing ever done in the Spider-Man Comic! I SHIT YOU NOT!

THE SPIDER CLONE SAGA

Just don't kiss! That's what ruined 'Moonlighting'!

This is the stupidest thing ever done in the Spider-Man comics.
In 1975, Spidey fights a clone of himself and the clone dies in an explosion. Afterwards, Spidey dumps the dead clone's body down the smokestack of an incinerator. As Comic Book stuff goes, this is barely noticeably dumb. Happens all the time. Wait, though. In 1988, a Clone of Spidey's dead girl friend Gwen Stacy hooks up with the High Evolutionary, a dude who can evolve things. A fella named Ben Rielly, who will later turn out to be the not dead not incinerated clone of Spider-Man starts hanging out with this guy named Kaine, who, as sometimes happens, is also a clone of Spider-Man. Kaine. In 1994, a mysterious stranger lurks around Peter Parker and his family and after a year of pussy footing they come face to face and WAAAAAA!! The mysterious stranger is also Peter Parker, probably a clone I'd guess. They fight and then team up and then the clone looks like he died in an explosion, but really goes off into exile so he won't bother anybody. Meanwhile, somebody creates another Spider-Man Clone. By my count there are now at least three Spider-men. The Ben Rielly clone starts fightin' crime as the Scarlet Spider. Mary Jane gets pregnant and Spidey starts having dreams that really he's the clone. In 1995, another clone of Spider-Man is introduced. Maybe it's that third clone, or maybe it's a fourth one. Three of the Spider-men meet and fight and team up and Ben Rielly takes Spider-Man's place in jail and Spider-Man takes on the Scarlet Spider identity. (HAH! I said 'titty'). It turns out Ben is the real Peter and Peter is the clone and the third clone (who's bad, by the way) Takes on the Identity (titty) of Spidercide, allowing him to deliver Spidercide chats. Spidercide kills Kaine and then falls to his death, so we're back to two Spider-men. Spider-Man has a breakdown and retires and Scarlet Spider joins the new Warriors because that's where characters that suck ass generally wind up. Turns out the guy who's making clones used to work for the High Evolutionary. Oh, and Kaine comes back from the dead, so it's three Spider-men again. And Ben dies his hair and starts being Spider-Man instead of the Scarlet Spider. I think. And somewhere in there we got a robot Scarlet Spider, who's bad. Peter (retired Spider-Man) Looses his powers. Kaine shows up again, and they find a skeleton is a spider costume is a smokestack, which probably means that first clone really was dead. Powerless Peter shows up to help investigate. In '96, Peter gets his powers back. The Mastermind behind the whole thing turns out to be Norman Osborn, the original Green Goblin, who everybody thought was dead, as opposed to the Green Goblin that's his son or the Hobgoblin or a clone. I think. Mary Jane looses the baby, it turns out Peter was the original Spider-Man, not the clone, and Ben dies. Which I think means there's still two Spider-men left. After that, writers, editors and fans all try hard to PRETEND THIS NEAR DECADE LONG SUCK FEST NEVER HAPPENED. The Batman franchise surviving George Clooney and his nipple suit got nothin' on the Clone Saga, baby.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go shower in boiling water, rinse my mouth out with Lysol and bash my skull in with a brick.

Questions or Comments about this piece?
email Max Burbank

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Reader Comments

Forum Virgin
Jan 4th, 2008, 02:28 PM
Wow there's alota crap out there. Strange that someone would make such products....or buy them.
Will sex up any asian man
Jan 19th, 2008, 02:52 PM
spider pig is gay too
GET OUT
Jan 20th, 2008, 01:54 PM
It's not interesting to anyone else besides me, but I've been anxiously sitting on this piece of information since the article posted and now my ass really hurts, hur hur hur.
Anyway: not that it makes Ms. Lion any more palatable, but that character was based and named from a Hercule Poirot story that was a part of the Trial of Hercules book. Each of the stories were based around some aspect of the trials of Hercules (dur) and the one with the dog was The Nimean Lion. It was about a really smart Lhasa Apso and blackmail, and is far too good to be turned into a shitty Spiderman character. That is all.
That damn kid
Jan 21st, 2008, 12:28 AM
Spider-ham is the best damn thing to happen to spider-man and you all know it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!ahcrapmy!!!!!!!!!!!!onebutton stuck!!!!!!!!!!!phew
The Moxie Nerve Food Tonic
Jan 21st, 2008, 10:20 AM
Asila, how did you stumble across this bizarre piece of information?
GET OUT
Jan 21st, 2008, 01:32 PM
I've read all of the Hercule Poirot stories twice? And I have a great memory, not for important things like birthdays or my loved ones' names, but for things I've read in fiction.
Forum Virgin
Feb 3rd, 2008, 04:11 AM
You forgot the amazing spider kid, the chubby kid with metal tentacles.
Not to mention that he returned as a vigilante of sorts in an annual in the 90s
The Moxie Nerve Food Tonic
Feb 4th, 2008, 01:12 PM
Yeah, if I'd recalled Spiderkid I'd have included that. That was very, very sad.
Mexican Rambo Doll
Jun 7th, 2008, 11:35 AM
Spider-Pig teams up with the X-Babies.

How do I know this?
ni kar'tayl gar darasuum
Jun 7th, 2008, 06:12 PM
Only 7? you could of done 777 stupid spidey things easily!(Golden Oldie, BAH!)

But I must confess love for Spiderham, Ducktor Doom, Captain Americat, Incredible Hulkbunny, and the best: Goose Rider

Mexican Rambo Doll
Jun 9th, 2008, 07:41 PM
There was an article on encyclopedia Obscura on this. It talks about a toy of Spider man is a bathing suit towing a boat in his car.
Nuclear Waffle
Mar 3rd, 2010, 03:16 PM
One more thing about the Spider Dune Buggy: in one of the old comics, Spiderman actually DROVE IT OFF A PIER shortly before PUNCHING A BRICK WALL with a mirage of Mysterio in front of it. He shattered his knuckles and had to use bandages (not Band-Aids, the old cloth kind) to help them heal.
Don't Care
May 20th, 2010, 03:38 PM
I always wondered how the whole clone saga bullshit-o-rama ended up. It was during that time I had gotten married, and my wife (wonderful bitch-ass-whore that she was) told me that "our" money (which was her fancy way of saying MY money) could be better spent on more important things. So, after much consideration (her constant bitching), I stopped collecting comics.
I didn't care much for this retarded storyline, but I did wonder how it would end. Now I know. Much appreciated.
Member
Oct 14th, 2010, 11:35 PM
my sanity was nearly shattered today by the realization that spider ham, a hideously awful idea was published by Star Comics. If memory serves, this means that in some capacity it was actually SANCTIONED by marvel!

That my friends is something even scarier than ANYTHING lovecraft wrote.

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