Christmas In The Stars: The Star Wars Chrismas Album!
I'll be honest with ya, there aren't too many Christmas albums that I ever liked. Aside from the Peanuts Christmas songs and hearing an extremely young and talented Michael Jackson and the Jackson Five perform "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)", most other tunes were about as pleasurable to listen to as an earwig digging slowly into your head. That being said, there is one album that puts them all to shame. One album so bad that it even makes every high-pitched Celine Dion song sound like sweet holiday bliss. The album I speak of?
CHRISTMAS IN THE STARS:
THE STAR WARS CHRISTMAS ALBUM!
After listening to a mere 30 seconds of this thing, the only thought going through your head is: "WHY? WHY!? WHY DOES THIS EXIST!?!?!?!?" And there's no reprieve. You'll never have a decent answer to that question. If you think "Episode I" and "Episode II" have forever tainted the good memories of our childhood Star Wars films, then this album takes it one step further. This album will make you feel like not only does Star Wars suck, but that Star Wars is an evil force that raped your mind... and your family.
So what makes this album so bad? Well let's see here... first off you've got both C-3PO (Anthony Daniels) and R2-D2 actually trying to sing Christmas songs. You've got a bunch of horrible actors trying to sound like Droids. You've got random Star Wars sound effects thrown into the middle of regular Christmas songs. And last but not least, you've got an 18-year-old by the name of John Bongiovi fronting a high school choir on one of the songs. Yep! Bon Jovi, before he became famous! Can it get much worse than this? Trust me, it can. Mere words cannot truly explain what a painful experience listening to this album is.
That being said, I'm going to break down each of the tracks for you here with my thoughts on them, but before I do that, you need to start listening to it. Yes that's right, I had to suffer through this entire thing, and now you're going to do the same. Why? Because that's what the holidays are all about: SUFFERING.
[click to begin listening to the terror that is "The Star Wars Christmas"]
(you'll need windows media player to listen)
Why did I pick that particular photograph of Bon Jovi from all the ones out there? Simple. It's to prepare your stomach for the musically-induced nausea you're sure to experience as soon as you start listening. So now that you've got the music forever bastardizing your speakers, let's break down each song on the track list:
In The Stars" - C-3PO singing with robotic bleeps from R2-D2 and a
backup chorus. Christ, if this doesn't give you an idea about just how
horrendous this entire album is, nothing will. C-3PO is probably the
worst character they could have perform on the album too. Aside from
Jar-Jar, he's pretty much has the most annoying voice out of all
characters, and to hear it for 30 minutes straight is agonizing. The
song soon progresses to the Droids talking to each other about how
they have to build toys before Christmas comes. Soon enough one of
them finds itself under the mistletoe and Chewbacca gives it a big
kiss. Yeah, just try getting THAT picture out of your head.
YOU CAN'T! TRUST ME, IT'S BURNED IN THERE FOREVER!
Bells, Bells" - R2-D2 starts off by asking C-3PO what bells are.
Ok, so you're telling me that little droid can hack into a computer
system and transmit video footage of Princess Leia, but it doesn't
know what a fucking bell is!? Top that off with someone playing a harp
in the background, and this song is a recipe for disaster. And then
there's the lyrics. "Bells, bells, bells... the thing they do is
ring. Bells, bells, bells... what happy thoughts they bring!" Send
me a gun. Please. I'll gladly end it all right here and now folks.
Just don't make me listen to any more! We also discover in the song
that R2 doesn't know what "Japanese" are. That's funny, since half of
the people in Star Wars spoke with British accents, you'd think R2
would be well versed in different ethnicities.
Odds Against Christmas" - If there's any song title on this album
that pretty much sums up my thoughts about these tunes, this would
have to be it. The odds truly are against Christmas if this music is
what's representative of the holiday. With C-3PO reciting a Christmas
poem at the very start, you'll quickly find yourself looking for the
nearest icicle to jab deeply into your skull. "Christmas, you see,
could have easily never, ever begun." Oh really? Well that's great
C-3PO, because right about now, I'm wishing that it hadn't.
"What Can You Get A Wookiee For Christmas (When He Already Owns A Comb?" - An amusing song title, no doubt, but the song itself will brutalize your soul. A bunch of droids start talking in nasally-robotic voices about what gifts they've already gotten for people. "Let me see. We have a scarf for Skywalker, right?" "Yes." "And perfume for the Princess?" "Yes." "What about Han Solo?" "Couldn't we get him ear muffs?" "That leaves one big problem." "THE WOOKIEE!" "Couldn't we get him a comb?" "We gave him a comb last year!" That's bad enough, but you'll swear that the music was done on an old Casio keyboard. Just listen to those drums! Oh yeah, they have Casio written alllllll over them! The song ends and the droids still don't know what to get Chewbacca. Let's just hope for their sake, they don't give him a copy of this album. Nothing enrages a Wookiee quite like horribly bad Christmas music. Oh yeah, this one even had it's own LP:
We Wish You A Merry Christmas" - This song is C-3PO's gift to his
little buddy, R2-D2. He tells R2 to plug-in to the mainframe so he can
listen. If I was R2, I'd be pretty pissed off if my gift was to hear
Bon Jovi singing "R2-D2 We Wish You A Merry Christmas" along
with a high school choir. It's sickening hilarious hearing Bon Jovi
sing the lead vocals on this song. You wouldn't even recognize it was
him without reading the album notes. "And if the snow becomes too
deep, just give a little peep." I'm fairly sure Bon Jovi used to
be a woman.
Ride" - Ok this is really, really bad. This is the song in which
they actually have C-3PO attempting to teach R2-D2 how to sing.
Robotic bleeps and Christmas music just don't go together goddamnit!
By the end of the song, they have R2 "whistling" to the sleigh ride
tune, and then 3PO is congratulating him for a job well done. "Oh
R2! I knew you could do it! Again!" And then R2-D2 busts out a
Christmas solo. Kill me. Kill me NOW.
Merry Christmas" - Great. More singing from those goddamned
droids. "Merry, merry Christmas. Merry Christmas to who? Take a
guess! Yes, yes! Merry Christmas to you!" I would like to know
what state of mind one has to be in when writing like these. Someone
actually thought that these lyrics were worth putting to music. And
how about that, the droids finally decided on a gift for Chewbacca.
They got him a comb last year, so this year they bought him a brush.
Chewie then proceeds to tickle the droids. Yes, that's right.
Chewbacca the Wookiee, tickling a droid. That's just not how a Wookiee
acts. A Wookiee would smash the droid into a thousand shards and then
slick his hair back with an expression of proud accomplishment. There
is no tickling in the world of Wookiees.
Christmas Sighting ('Twas The Night Before Christmas)" - C-3PO
discusses about how he had a sighting of Santa stored in his memory
bank. He then recites that infamous Christmas tale, while interjecting
various Star Wars bits into it. And why not? They've bastardized
everything else about Christmas and Star Wars with this album, might
as well destroy a classic tale while they're at it.
"The Meaning Of Christmas" - In this song some guy who goes by the name of "S. Claus" informs the droids that he is Santa's son and that there are far too many kids in the galaxy for Santa to deliver presents to on his own. So there you have it kids, you might not even be visited by the real Santa Claus this year. You might get his son, or perhaps even his drunk cousin Horace, showing up at your house this year. An appropriate ending to an album that does nothing but aurally crap on anything that was once good about the legacy of Christmas.
Keep in mind, this majority of this album's original songs were written by a Yale University music professor. So I guess it just goes to show you that even the best schools in the world can't teach a person to have good fucking taste.
Ok kiddies, that's enough torture for now. Perhaps next year, if you're all really, really bad, I'll treat you to another ravaging of your Star Wars memories with an in-depth look at the Star Wars Holiday Special. Until then, Happy Holidays... and no, the force really isn't with you. The force is loooong gone.
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