Steam Early Access Updates
by: John Bower & Roger Barr

Here at I-Mockery, we've got our finger on the pulse of the games industry. Hell, we've got our entire hand on that pulse. We're squeezing the jugular of the games industry! We're clenching our hands around the increasingly discolored neck of video games in general, throttling away with sadistic abandon. We're watching capillaries burst in the eyes of gaming! We're feeling the urgent flailing of its hands gradually slacken as we tighten our grip.

Video games... why did it have to be like this? We just wanted to see what was blowing up on the streets, you just couldn't let us have that. You made us do this, we tearfully whisper as we gently pat down the last shovelful of dirt on that lonely patch of dirt on the outskirts of Temecula.

No one must know. No one can find out... that we truly know all about what's going on with video games.

In this edition of the I-Mockery Hurr-ly-Access-icane, we've got a whole slew of updates from some perennial Early Access titles on Steam, as well as some brand new games that have only just entered the scene. Hear about these games straight from the developer's mouths:

Zombies... something.
Zombies... something
by: Beating Dead Horse Games

We're working on the name.

Zombies are as big now as they were four, five, even eight years ago. Don't believe me? Well ask yourself this: why are there so damn many of these zombies games out there? And don't you dare give me any of that, "because using zombies means you don't have to program the AI to do anything other than move directly toward the player and attack," because I am sick of hearing that crap.

I know what you're thinking, but rest assured: our zombie game is unique from the billions of other zombie games that were uploaded to Steam as I was typing this sentence. Whereas the standard zombie game has you mowing down hordes of the undead with bog standard guns and iconic household objects, our game will be all about curing the zombie infection. You'll have to gather notes, bring in doctors and scientists, compile research materials, and ultimately deliver the cures you develop to the zombies for testing.

Currently, only the curing portion of the game works. Also, we haven't yet developed all the transmission methods for the cures, so as a placeholder, we're using a pistol that fires bullets with "cure" embossed on the casings. Once we receive some additional funding in the form of Early Access purchases, we'll add all that in. Along with some new "cure" animations to replace the current placeholders that make it look like the zombies are being shot and falling over dead.

We'll also be replacing the "Killing Spree!" pop-up graphic that appears after you've cured ten zombies in thirty seconds. It'll be something medical-sounding, y'know. Like "Inoculation Spree," or "Zombie Triage-ulation!" Ooh, could that be the name of the game? Ah, no that's terrible. Gotta get everything else worked out first, then we'll name this turkey.

Walls of Infinity
Walls of Infinity
by: Two Guys in a Garage

We know that Early Access games have a bad reputation for being the products of would-be auteurs who desperately need someone with some business sense to nail their feet to the floor. That's why we've brought on a respectable industry veteran to lend some credibility to the project. I'd tell you his name, but only a handful of people would recognize him as that one guy who had a successful title more than thirty years ago. That timeline is a bit deceptive, though. He was working on his own title as early as last year. It was just bad luck that he had been working on said title for twenty of the last thirty years, but believe me, if it had ever been released, you'd be glad to know we have a pro like him on our team.

Buy in now to watch him really take things to the next level! Literally. I think we're on the third or fourth engine change since he started. God, what a visionary!

Spacefaring Rogues of the Stratospace
Spacefaring Rogues of the Stratospace
by: Sexy Leader Studios

Technically, our title isn't in Early Access. We got Greenlit back in '13 after a successful media blitz combined with a modest giving out of Steam keys in exchange for votes in the Greenlight system. To be honest, we weren't really expecting the kind of response we got! You guys are the best!!

Okay, now onto business: the game isn't exactly "finished," per se. Also, we kind of saturated the market with all those free keys, and now there's no one left to actually buy the game (By the way, if you're a member of the SRotS Steam group, remember to PM our message board admin for your free key!). We're kind of getting some pressure from the higher-ups to... make some money. Now, I don't want anyone reading this to think that we're just going to abandon the game just because it is, as our investors described it, "a completely blown opportunity as mismanaged as it was manhandled by the lobotomized Capuchins mashing code out of their keyboards in between sessions of furtive, angry masturbation!"

At the same time, I'd like to announce the formal departure of our art, sound, and programming departments. Please direct all inquiries to our community manager, Marcus, while we look into hiring some new people. This seems as good a time as any to announce that there are no refunds. Because no one has actually purchased the game. We blame piracy.

Shocking Dan's Hell-ferno
Shocking Dan's Hell-ferno
by: Dan on Campus

Alright you sons of bitches.

I've had an ASSFUL of every goddamn one of you ungrateful pieces of shit flooding my discussion boards with your bitchy questions! Do I know when the next patch is coming out? NO! Do I know what happened to all the Kickstarter money? NO! Where can I go to get a refund! Oh, I'll tell you where you can go for a refund...

I started working on this game five years ago! FIVE!! And there was no one around to tell me anything about make video games, or making music, or any of the other awesome shit I've taught myself to do. I AM Shocking Dan! Do you understand what that means!? I crafted everything from his low-poly shirt right down to the sampled Bruce Campbell clips I used for his voice.

You insult Shocking Dan, you insult me.

Bans are coming, people! I'm looking at you, 19JizzSinger27! You think I don't see you making posts on my board, talking about how I had a meltdown at Golden Corral when I found out they put the chocolate waterfall away for the evening. That shit had nothing to do with anything, and I paid for a buffet, so I'm entitled to the FULL BUFFET!!!

The new patch to fix the crashing issue whenever Shocking Dan utters his catchphrase, "hail to the king, baby," will be out when I fucking feel like it. Don't even talk to me about how I'm behind on the deadlines I set for MYSELF!! And don't even try PMing me, unless you're from Golden Corral and you're willing to apologize for the way I was mistreated last Sunday.

Croftcraft 3D
Croftcraft 3D
by: Ends of the Blearth

I know you're reading this, Ron. I saw that video you did about my game. It's an Early Access title, Ron. You had no right to say that it looked like complete shit! And I'll have you know, sir, that not EVERY asset in the game was a copied Unity asset, okay?

You know what you are? You're a bully! You pull up Steam everyday thinking, "hmm hmm hmm, what indie dev can I shit on today?" Well I know how to deal with bullies. No doubt you've seen my response video where I took your snarky video and dubbed in fart noises over your stupid comments. Those were real farts, Ron! I don't half-ass things like you! You think I don't know a raspberry when I hear one?

And oh, very clever, posting another video saying that my "Let's Fart: Ron Shits the Hits" video was the sign of a developer losing his mind. I'm sure you loved it soooo much when Kotaku picked up the video and ran a story about how Croftcraft 3D is "now known more for the spectacular implosion of its developer than for anything that happens in the game." A lot happens in my game, Ron. You'd know that if you weren't so obsessed with hassling hard-working devs like me!

I don't have time for this anymore. I can't keep wasting my life responding to every video you put out, trying to make me look like a crazy person who can't let anything go! This next video is going to be the last one, and it's gonna blow your mind, you shit.

That's all for this edition of the I-Mockery Early Access Hodown. Sadly, we won't be featuring any more updates on Shocking Dan's Hell-ferno as the title was delisted after the developer Tweeted out death threats to several Valve employees, saying that he would "bury them right next to those smug assholes at Golden Corral."

Tune in next time when we'll have more news about which games have dropped off the face of the earth, and which are merely trapped for the foreseeable future in development hell.

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