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Mutant Stormtrooper discovered
in local grocery store.

by: -RoG-

Whenever I'm in a grocery store, I can't help but ogle the vending machines that they have. It's always amusing to see the latest crappy toy items that they've stuffed into 'em. Sure, every now and then you can luck out and get something really great like a mini-ninja, but most of the time you just get a SpongeBob sticker or an N*Sync digital watch from 4 years ago. Of course, there's always plenty of goop to be purchased... but the allure of getting a "random toy surprise for only 25 cents!" is often far too tempting to pass up.

That being said, I recently went to my local grocery store and spent my 25 cents on the random toy machine. And what did I get? See for yourself:


Yep, it appears the Emperor had some other plans for some of his most loyal Stormtroopers: GENETIC EXPERIMENTATION! The only thing this poor bastard still has is his head, and I'm not even sure about that. For all I know, there could be some hideous beast behind that Stormtrooper mask of his. Whatever the genetic experiment was, it turned the Stormtrooper's body almost completely green... except for his groin area. There's a little splotch of hot pink down there.

Now there are many things in life that I wish to call into question, but a Stormtrooper with a hot pink groin area is not one of them. Some things are just better kept secret.

As you can see our little Stormtrooper no longer needs his blaster rifle... it's not like he could fire them since he now has friggin' LOBSTER CLAWS instead of hands! Oh, but that's not the end of it.


Pretty much everything below his neck was horribly mutated. See, your average Stormtrooper, while easy to kill, generally appears to be in good physical condition. This guy, however, has definitely put on a few pounds. And it's not the normal "globby fat" (as I like to call it) that people develop from a lack of exercise and/or eating too much. He actually has 4 rings o' fat going around his waist. It's like they cross-bred him with a lobster and the Michelin Tire Man. And yet there's still more!


Indeed, he now has rocket jets instead of feet. I never knew how "dark" the dark side of the force really was until now. Then again, maybe there was some logic to creating fat, rocket-propelled, lobster troopers. Think about it.

  • The empire wouldn't have to waste resources on building/purchasing blaster rifles and other weapons for these new mutant troopers. They already come with built-in lobster claws! And we all know that lobster claws are perfect for attacking enemies... or at least pinching them fairly hard.

  • The tire-like fat rings might allow the storm troopers to absorb a blast from an enemy. Or perhaps, when these mutants aren't needed by the Emperor, they can fill-in as stunt doubles for the Michelin Tire Man.

  • The rocket jet feet would definitely make-up for the sluggishness that their increased body weight would bring on. If anything, they'd be even more proficient in catching their enemies on foot. Besides, it's not like they'd expend any energy hunting them down.

  • The pink crotch would easily... oh wait, we're not talking about that.

So you see, maybe there is good reason to make these mutants. Perhaps this is actually a sneak preview of things to come in the third Star Wars chapter from George Lucas? Or maybe, just maybe, this is a cheap, unlicensed piece of shit that some stoner with access to one too many toy molds came up with.

I suppose only time will tell.


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