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Stupid Toys: Part 3
by: -RoG-
 

With the holidays creeping up on us, I figured that another installment of my "Stupid Toys" series was in order if for no other reason than to inform you about what toys should NOT be on your shopping list. Well, at least don't buy 'em for anybody you actually like. And now, on with the latest batch o' stupid toys!


MACGYVER TOYS:

Hey MacGyver! Where's the Fonz?

For some reason, there was never a big MacGyver toyline released in the United States. Sure, you could pick up some random accessories like a toy pocket knife, but as far as a real toyline goes, they never made one. What, the Love Boat can get a toyline of their own but not Mac? What a load of shit.

One company, Glasslite, did take a shot at producing a line based on MacGyver but it was only released in Brazil. Sadly, there was only one figure in the toyline and it was, of course, MacGyver himself. What, no Pete? No Dr. Zito? No Murdoc? Come on! Furthermore, the MacGyver figure is way off. Notice the orange hair? He looks more like Richie Cunningham than Richard Dean Anderson. If you're going to make a MacGyver figure the ONE thing you simply cannot screw around with is the hair. The man had a brown masterpiece mullet, and to give a MacGyver figure a matted down redhead hairdo is blasphemy.

On top of that, what's with the extremely short jacket? Was there an episode in which MacGyver went bullfighting? Because that's the only explanation I can come up with here. Nice job Glasslite; you turned a mulleted crime-fighting hero into a gay bullfighting version of Richie Cunningham.

Oh, but that's not all...

Mac likes the speedy Italian cars!

MacGyver apparently drove a Ferrari instead of a jeep. Yep, can't you just picture Mac pulling away from the marina in his hot new red Ferrari? Totally his style. And if the Ferrari isn't to your liking, they also made a safari Nissan with giant monster truck wheels... you know, in case he had to battle Gravedigger. His facial expression on the packages says it all folks. Hey Glasslite, before you're finished pissing on our memories, what say you give MacGyver a gun while you're at it? Then the tainting of Mac will be complete.

Bernabeu Gisbert's submachine gun MacGyver toy!

Oh wait, some other company in Spain already beat you to it. PERFECT!


BARBIE DOLL AND TANNER DOG:

Now this is fantastic. If there's one thing I've ever associated Barbie with, it's gotta be feces. Meet "Tanner" - Barbie's pet dog who will play fetch, wag his tail, and eat his own poop. Yes, you read that right. Allow me to explain: You have Barbie feed Tanner these "dog biscuits" and later on, he'll feel the need to take a dump - just like a real dog! The dog biscuits have a metal core so that Barbie can pick them up with her magnetic pooper-scooper and drop them in a trash can, but why even bother with that? You're already confusing the kids by feeding the dog biscuits to Tanner and then having him poop them out. How are they supposed to know which is a dog biscuit and which is poop? They can't. And since the dog biscuits and feces are one and the same, you can just let Tanner eat his own poop rather than have Barbie pick them up. Then Barbie can get back to puking up any food she ate in the past hour so she can maintain that waif-like figure of hers. What a great role model for little girls!

Fun scene to act out with your new Barbie toy: stick one of the biscuit/fecal pellets in Barbie's pants and have her start walking. When she shits herself, the poop will fall out of her pant leg. You can then have her loyal friend Tanner run up and eat the poop like the good dog he is!


KABA KICK:

You too can just as cool as Christopher Walken in Deer Hunter!

Do I really need to even explain why this toy is stupid? Ok, fine, I will. Kaba Kick is a game of Russian Roulette that any kid can enjoy. Simply place the gun to your head and pull the trigger. If you don't get hit by the pair of feet that kick out of the barrel, you'll get some points. And don't worry kids, I know this game isn't easy to come by in stores, but if you go into daddy's top desk drawer where he keeps all his porn and gin, you'll find a gun in there that you can use instead. Sure, it may not look as colorful as the Kaba Kick gun, but I promise it's just as fun! Go on, try it!


THE MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE ETERNIA PLAYSET:

Next stop, Snake Mountain!

I'm sure a lot of people think I'm crazy for including the Eternia playset on the list since most kids dreamed of owning this toy back in the 80's. Yes I know the playset was huge, had a ton of features and was considered to be the ultimate battle ground for He-Man and the Masters of the Universe... but that doesn't mean there still wasn't something stupid about it too, so hear me out.

Eternia came with a monorail system. Let's forget about the fact that they already had plenty of vehicles that could fly and probably get you to your destination much faster. What I want to focus on is what stops the monorail makes. It goes to Eternia, it goes to Castle Grayskull, but here's the kicker... it also goes to Snake Mountain. Yes, that's right, apparently they wanted to make it easy for Skeletor and his minions to come attack Castle Grayskull or Eternia by providing them with a convenient monorail system which stopped right at Snake Mountain.

If you're like me, you've been on plenty of trains and subways before, and at some point you missed your stop. Maybe you overslept, maybe you were reading a magazine... whatever the case may have been, you missed your stop. Now just imagine you're some random, useless Masters of the Universe character - Zodac the Cosmic Enforcer for example. You're on your way to Eternia from Castle Grayskull, but what if accidentally you miss your stop while on the monorail? That's right, you end up smack dab in the middle of Snake Mountain and your life is completely fucked until He-Man comes to rescue you. And he won't come, because you're Zodac and nobody really cares about you.

I don't know who the engineer behind the Eternia monorail system was, but having Snake Mountain as one of its stops along the way was truly a stroke of sheer genius.


That's all for the 3rd installment of "Stupid Toys". I'll try to crank out another piece featuring more of 'em in the near future. Don't forget... if you have any suggestions for stupid toys that you'd like me to cover, please drop me a line!

Questions or Comments about this piece?
email -RoG-


If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out:

Stupid Toys: Part 1!

and

Stupid Toys: Part 2!



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