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Shorts!

Super Snow!
by: -RoG-
 

Since I currently live in California, snow wasn't exactly the first thing I was expecting to see out here this winter. Ok, well I did think I'd see Snow on the streets, but I'm speaking of the "a-licky-boom-boom down" Snow, and figured he'd be begging for spare change these days. Actual snow though? Can't say I was going to invest in a new sled to go riding on this year. They don't tend to work all that well on the sandy beaches from what I hear, and the hills there suck anyway.

Imagine my surprise when I discovered that snow was right under my nose all along. No, not cocaine... SUPER SNOW!

It's not just regular snow, it's SUPER snow.

I couldn't believe my eyes when I found this stuff amongst all the other seasonal goodies in a local shop; for only a few bucks I could make my own snow! Could it be true!? The "As Seen On TV" logo had me thinking no, but I still had to try it. If nothing else, I could keep a bag of this stuff in the glove compartment of my car for some hilarious hijinks the next time a cop pulls me over. Then again, I could empty a few sugar packets into a zip-lock bag and achieve the same thing without having to spend a few bucks on fake snow, so I was really hoping that this stuff actually worked.

Oh so many great things to learn about Super Snow!

Before you start making it, they want you to know some interesting factoids about Super Snow:

  • Super Snow expands to more than 100 times its size. (So don't make it indoors, or your house will overflow just like that scene in "Real Genius", only it will overflow with "Super Snow" instead of popcorn.)
     

  • Super Snow can be reused and lasts for 4 to 6 weeks. (After that time period has expired, however, it becomes a lethal airborne virus capable of crippling an entire nation and the Christmas dreams of all.)
     

  • Super Snow lasts ten times longer than other snow, makes four times that of other powders, and actually glistens and sparkles like real snow. (Super Snow also points and laughs at all other forms of snow, says things about their moms and gives them an inferiority complex.)
     

  • Super Snow can be used at parties, weddings, festivals, floats, and much more. (And when they say "much more" they mean it can also be used for funerals, wars, eyewash stations, and time traveling DeLoreans.)
     

  • Super Snow has been used on movie sets and indoor snowboarding parks. (It's also been used on suspects during interrogations when they just won't cooperate with the investigating law officers.)
     

  • Super Snow is used by farmers to grow more drought-tolerant crops:

We're a happy family... me, mom and dad!
"It's true, without Super Snow, all our crops would be dead and we
wouldn't be the extremely happy farmers that we are today.
"

With so many things going for it, who wouldn't want to try Super Snow out???

If you swallowed this tiny amount, your entire body would explode with snow.

Rather than fill up my entire home with this super-expanding stuff, I decided that going with a meager three 1/4th teaspoons of the mix would be enough to test it out. For every 1/4 teaspoon of Super Snow you use, it requires 4 ounces of water. I'll let you math/science nerds run the numbers on that one, but suffice to say, that's a lot of water to soak up for such a small amount of Super Snow mixture. They also recommend you use warmer water to make the snow form more quickly. So not only are you making your own snow, you're making your own warm snow? Wow, that's downright wrong. This is sounding exactly like the kind of stuff that god promised himself he would kill the world for if mankind ever invented it. The next time you see one of those crazy people walking on the streets with a cardboard "the end is nigh!" sign, walk up to them with a big smile on your face, give 'em a handful of warm Super Snow and watch them flip the fuck out.

I've made cookies in the bowl before. I wonder if my next batch will taste like super snow :(

Almost immediately after I poured the water onto the Super Snow mixture, it formed a gelatinous puddle in the bottom of my bowl. A far cry from snow, but wait, there was one more step to complete: vigorous stirring! With vim, vigor and vitality, I stirred my Super Snow concoction in hopes of bringing a warm winter wonderland into my big blue bowl. That last sentence was for all of you alliteration fanatics - it had better have brought you to full orgasm.

EUREKA! WE HAVE SNOW!

Egads, it worked! The stuff looks just like snow, or at the very least, like slush. Much like the yellow snow, however, there's no way in hell I'm going to try eating it. Super Snow doesn't have any noticeable odor, but it feels like holding onto a combination of Jell-O, Floam and the "living ice" mixture that came with the Mad Scientist Monster Lab back in the day. Warm or not, this stuff is pretty badass especially when you consider how much it makes from such a small amount of the mixture. What's also nice about it is that you can mold it and it will hold the shape quite well. To demonstrate this, I call upon the almighty Mumm-Ra to make a nice Super Snow Angel for us.

MUMM-RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Mumm-Ra: "What bizarre substance is this? It is stranger than anything I have stored away in my black pyramid... and it's warm! Super Snow, you say? Most interesting. Very well, I shall give you your 'snow angel' by reciting my magical incantation: ANCIENT SPIRITS OF EVIL, TRANSFORM THIS GELATINOUS MUSH TO SNOW ANGEL, THE EVER-FESTIVE!"

He may have a body of dust and evil, but he's got the heart of an angel

Mumm-Ra: "Behold, the ultimate evil snow angel! It's warm, it's mushy and I can make evil snow angels out of it! I'm going to line my entire sarcophagus with this Super Snow stuff and spent eternity in comfort! Mumm-Raaaaaaaaaaa!!!"

And there you have it. If it's good enough for Mumm-Ra, it's good enough for me. I have full intentions of buying one of the big 1-pound Super Snow bags so I can host the greatest silicone-based snowball fight to ever take place here in sunny California. Oh yes, it will be quite the spectacle. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go fertilize the lawn with gelatinous snow so I can grow me some fine crops.

Questions or Comments about this piece?
email -RoG-


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