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Shorts!

The All New "Superman Returns" Toys!
by: -RoG-
 

After my coverage of the Superman Slurpee Mug and Kryptonite Doritos, I suppose it should come as no surprise that we're gonna be seeing a lot of Superman Returns movie stuff this summer. If there's a product that they can put the Man of Steel's logo on, you can pretty much bet that they will. Just take a trip to the grocery store and you'll already see all sorts of Superman tie-ins:

Crunchy Blue Milk Heroics!

Superman Crunch
: Cap'n Crunch with Superman shield shapes that turn milk blue!

Superman Life: Life cereal made with whole grain Quaker Oats with the addition of honey flavored Superman shields.

Quaker Chewy Superman Chocolate Chip Granola Bars: Classic chewy granola bars with red and blue chocolate chips.

Four Cheese Pasta Superman Limited Edition Pasta Roni: Pasta Roni features pasta shaped Superman Shields.

 

And I'm sure this is just the beginning of it all. Scary eh? But what superhero movie advertising blitz would be complete without a brand new toy line? Don't worry, in addition to Burger King's new Superman toys, Mattel has you covered with plenty of new Superman stuff. Let's take a closer look at all the new Superman Returns toys:

It's a bird, it's a plane, it's... oh... it's just a toy.
The Superman Returns Hyperposeable Figure

With 33 points of articulation for "super poseability," this is sure to be a favorite amongst Superman fans and action figure collectors alike. Of course, it looks like he's had a few ribs removed in order to make his chest more moveable. But I can That's my toy buying kyrptonite right there.overlook that. What I can't overlook is how they didn't learn their lesson from all the controversy that Superman's package generated when people first got a glimpse of the start of the new movie. If they really learned their lesson then why does this toy have such an accentuated crotch? I wonder if his super-schlong is actually one of the 33 points of articulation?

Give it up Lois, he's gay.
The Superman and Lois Lane Barbie Dolls

What is it about all the male Barbie dolls that makes them look so gay? Granted, this guy is wearing blue tights, so that's not helping things out but you gotta feel bad for Lois. Clearly she's not gonna be getting any. Also, word is that some of the Lois Lane dolls have eyes that are colored slightly different, but don't let that stop you from buying it. I mean, did it stop you when you bought that original Six Million Dollar Man figure that had the hollowed out bionic eye? Ok, well Lois doesn't come with a bionic eye, but that's nothing a drill press can't fix.

Does it come with band-aids to heal the wounds you received for daring to wear it in public?
The Superman Returns Inflato Suit

Yes! Now this is the kind of item I always look forward to with any big new blockbuster superhero movie. The kind of item where they take things farther than the simple rehashing of old superhero action figures. The Superman Inflato Suit comes with a built-in fan that, when turned on, inflates the suit to give you the appearance of having large muscles wearing an inflated blue garbage bag. What I don't get is why they put all that work into this item that I'm sure any kid would love, yet his infamous cape is colored brown on the box?? Granted, any kid caught wearing this would probably get thrown into a large mud puddle by someone with real muscles, so the brown cape wouldn't make that much of a difference. And no, sorry to disappoint, but it isn't being released for adults.

You call that a pay raise? I'll show YOU a raise! Take THAT Daily Planet!
The Superman Returns Truck Lifting Set

While the idea of having a Super toy that can lift a truck above its head and then throw it definitely sounds like fun, this shows a side of Superman that we haven't really seen much of before: the Disgruntled Employee Superman! If you look closely, you'll notice that the truck has the Daily Planet logo on it, so why would he be picking it up and throwing it? Sounds like Clark Kent isn't happy with his salary at the Daily Planet and has decided to take it out on the truck by picking it up, throwing it, and allowing it to burst into flames. Classy!

HOLY BEJESUS DO I HAVE GREASY HAIR!!
The Superman Returns Power Punch Set

I can understand a toy company wanting to capitalize on the success of similar items such as the Incredible Hulk hands, but is this really the best they could do? Aside from how cheap they look, these power punching fists come with an "unbreakable" steel bar, which makes crunching sound effects when you bend it while wearing the gloves. That's just going to give 'em a false sense of super-strength, which will cause these kids to hate themselves later in life, because they figured they would be able to bend their jail bars and escape if they happened to get caught robbing the local liquor store.

I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your bank account down!
The Superman Returns Super Breath Figure

It doesn't really do much, but would you really want to own a figure of Superman where he's always making such a ridiculous looking face? Well, I suppose that's better than a figure with a huge crotch bulge...

Do not pass go, go directly to Krypton.
Monopoly: Superman Returns Collector's Edition

So now Superman is getting into real estate? Well, I guess after trashing the Daily Planet's truck, Clark Kent would have to look for a new job. Oh wait, they don't know Clark is Superman because he wears glasses. Riiiiiiiight. We all know Lex Luthor is the king of real estate anyway, so there's no point in playing as Superman.

NERRRRRRRRRRD!
The Superman Returns Clark to Superman Figure

I can't believe it. I really, really can't believe it. This marks the first time in my life that I've actually wanted to beat up an action figure.

I'M SO ANGRY! I'M SO ANGRY I'M GONNA PUNCH THIS HERE GREEN ROCK! OH WAIT IT'S KRYPTONITE! SHIT!
The Superman Returns "Kryptonite Smash" Figure

Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't Kryptonite HURT Superman? I'm pretty sure he doesn't go around searching for large chunks of it to punch. Plus, kryptonite isn't alive, so I doubt punching or chopping it is going to really do anything than cause Superman some unnecessary pain. If he's in a bad mood, he simply goes over to the Daily Planet and finds one of their trucks to hurl into oblivion.

UP UP AND AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY INTO THAT TREE!
The Superman Returns Sky Strike Figure

I have no problem with these kind of toys. It's always a lot of fun to blast your favorite superhero into the air and watch him soar just like in the movies! That is until he becomes embedded in the ceiling of your house and your dad beats the tar out of you. Of course, you could try using it outside, but then it'll likely get stuck high up in a tree and you'll end up getting killed by a 50ft drop when you try to climb up and retrieve it.

PERFECT FOR THE SPELUNKING LOSER IN ALL OF US!
The Superman Returns Heat Vision Headset

Come on! They could've at least made some cool glasses with red light beams that come out of them instead of this spelunker's headset. You can't say it's heat "vision" and have it coming out of the side of your head. Vision comes out of your EYES. Plus having the big Superman "S" logo on the back of your head while wearing this thing is more like a target for any bully to hit with a baseball bat.

SORRY, TRON ALREADY DID THE "DEADLY DISCS" THING.
The Superman Returns Disc Attack

Again, the toy makers seem to be unaware of where vision comes from. The red discs that shoot out of this figure's chest are supposed to be Superman's heat vision blasts. Unless he's a super mutant with eyes on his chest, I'm pretty sure that's not heat vision shooting out of him. I'm also fairly certain that Superman's heat vision doesn't look like checker pieces.

KRAZY WITH A "K"!
The Superman Returns Krazy Kryptonite Compound

It stretches, it bounces, it's Krazy Kryptonite! And you know it's crazy if they actually spell crazy with a "k". Krazy! Actually, you'd be krazy to try bouncing the stuff because I guarantee if there's any dust or fibers laying on the ground, it will instantly become a part of this nasty green blob upon contact. It looks more like some kind of nasty pus-filled alien brain than a chunk of kryptonite, but I doubt that will stop any kid from buying it. It wouldn't stop ME from buying it for that matter either. Fact: adults with green pus-filled alien slime brains are cooler than adults without green pus-filled alien slime brains.

P.L.U.R. - Peace. Love. Unity. Retina-damage.
The Superman Returns Kryptonite Crystal Shard

More kryptonite? Fantastic! It's a glowstick in the shape of a kryptonite crystal shard with a sharp pointy end! I can't wait to read the news story about how some candy raver took this thing to a rave, started swinging it around and impaled somebody in the eye with it. Hello super lawsuits! Well, we've all heard that candy raver motto before: P.L.U.R. = Peace. Love. Unity. Retina-damage.

Ok, that's all the toys for now. I'll do my best to keep you updated on any other Superman Returns items that are released in the coming months. Until then, have fun playing in your blue tights. Don't even try to deny it. I know you own a pair.

Questions or Comments about this piece?
email -RoG-


Want to see some more Superman related content?

Superman Video Games Over The Years!

The Superman Returns Slurpee Cup!

Insane Comic Book Covers - Superman's Pal: Jimmy Olsen!

Insane Comic Book Covers - Superman's Girlfriend: Lois Lane!

Insane Comic Book Covers - World's Finest Comics!



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