My Very First Video Thanksgiving Toast
by: Max Burbank

Grade school pageants notwithstanding, the modern celebration of Thanksgiving has little to do with Pilgrims, Native Americans and cornucopia, whatever they hell those are. Thanksgiving was not an annual American tradition until Abraham Lincoln, our first openly Gay President, declared "As long as we are engaged in a civil war that tests whether a nation conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal, what say we take a day off to eat like pigs with family members many of whom we can't stand and then fall asleep watching football."

In that spirit, I have labored over the years to make sure that you, the I-Mockery audience, might enjoy a special, festive thanksgiving article written by me while at least partially sober. The first one was a piece of cake. Phoned it in off the top of my head. The next year the task was a little more difficult, as I'd already made all the easy jokes about getting caught stuffing the Turkey. The next year, I had two damn articles worth of lackluster, hack comedy I was obligated not to repeat. The Thanksgiving article had become work, and I had begun to hate you for it, with good reason, I think. By the fourth year, I had to do actual research to find new material, which granted, the Internet makes easy, but up until that day I had used the Internet only as God intended it to be used; a portal for degrading, mostly Eastern European pornography.

This year there was just no way I would ever be able to come up with fresh, topical Thanksgiving material for you without actual, creative work, and this I have vowed never, ever to do. So how lucky is it for all concerned that I just tumbled across the richest vein of easily exploitable natural resources since that long ago day when an impoverished Appalachian mountaineer just "Shootin' at some food" missed the diseased squirrel that would have been his dinner, and "up from the ground came a bubblin' crude." I'm talking of course about young people and their seemingly savant computer skills.

Long story short, with the help of one of these 'youngsters' I was able to simply ramble in the presence of a computer and she transformed it into a short film. How much effort did I put in? I'm proud to say very, very little. And if by happenstance I accidentally incorporated some material from Thanksgiving's past, you won't be able to prove it without making a transcript, which will be more work than I did, so more fool you.

And so, without any further typing, which quite frankly has become more of a burden than it's worth, I give you...


Questions or Comments about this piece?
email Max Burbank

If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out:

Thanksgiving Depression Made Easy
Thanksgiving Depression Made Easy

Reader Comments

40 pound box of rape?
Nov 25th, 2008, 02:40 AM
Oh sure, no consideration for the CANADIANS that had their Thanksgiving already. Hmph.

I'll just take it as a toast for 11 months from now
Last of the Time Lords
Nov 25th, 2008, 04:33 AM
That was truly hilarious. I'm off to show it to everyone I know.
What Video Games?
Nov 25th, 2008, 10:29 AM
I work all day, so an early toast is a good one! But I'm not necissarily thankful for the Son of Godzilla. Still, thanks for the laugh.
Fookin' up planets!
Nov 25th, 2008, 01:08 PM
Forum Virgin
Nov 25th, 2008, 04:17 PM
That was basically what I imagine whenever I read a Max Burbank article. It was perfect.
Forum Virgin
Nov 25th, 2008, 05:20 PM
Son of Godzilla\Godzilla's Revenge 4 Life!

Thanks for the toast!
Nov 25th, 2008, 05:30 PM
This was absolutely glorious
Can't touch this
Nov 25th, 2008, 07:37 PM
Max, Max, Max...You've done it again.
Nov 25th, 2008, 08:12 PM
I'll make sure to fill my glass with soda pop too.
after enough bourbon ...
Nov 25th, 2008, 10:49 PM
Great work, Ramon.
grants but one wish
Nov 26th, 2008, 12:08 AM
im thankfull that i dont have thanksgiving, turkey tastes terrible unless i add my special gravy, and yes i do have a secret gravy, and yes it is delicious
The Goddamned Batman
Nov 26th, 2008, 12:45 AM
Max, you should do more videos like this.
Movie Enthusiast
Nov 26th, 2008, 01:18 AM

So... is that the real Max Burbank, or...?
Pickled Patriarch
Nov 26th, 2008, 01:32 AM
"So... is that the real Max Burbank, or...?"

It is, but it isn't........ but it is.
Full of Country Goodness
Nov 26th, 2008, 10:09 AM
turkey tastes terrible unless i add my special gravy, and yes i do have a secret gravy
I can't stop giggling at this. Teeheehee!
Thrills and Oblongs
Nov 26th, 2008, 01:16 PM
Max isn't quite as posh as I expected.

But this just adds new depths to my imagination.
The One-Eyed WonderWeasel
Nov 26th, 2008, 02:40 PM
Great to see you're back, Max.
And as always, you've helped me ruin my bedside manners, making me puke while laughing all over my formerly sleeping girlfriend. Yes, problems may come over this little barfy hummid incident, but hell, its worth any ammount of crap she can give me.
The Magnificent Bastard
Nov 26th, 2008, 05:37 PM
As someone who works at a nursing home, I just wanna say that I enjoyed the bit about nursing homes intensely.

Actually, I enjoyed the whole damned video. Happy Thanksgiving Ramon/Max!
Nov 26th, 2008, 05:54 PM
I heard some gibberish about floating bunnies?
Oozes machismo
Nov 26th, 2008, 11:35 PM
Good stuff. I've got family members I could picture giving similar "toasts" earnestly around this time of year.
Flying Finn
Nov 27th, 2008, 02:57 AM
...sing to the camera Fatty...*mrau*
Brilliant! Max/Ramon, you sir are brilliant.

Intresting side note; The voice of Max is just like I imagine it in my head when reading the articles...scary much?
Nov 27th, 2008, 01:01 PM
Congratulations for managing to reach your fans expectations, Mister Burbank.
Cheesy Highness
Nov 27th, 2008, 08:59 PM
I sent you a stalker e-mail, Max. I do it because I care. ^_^

Also, welcome back. I lurk far more than I post, but you are one the reasons I keep coming back.
drifting in the void
Nov 29th, 2008, 07:58 AM
Reminds me of the older me somehow, awfully familiar in a way I can´t really describe...scary but reassuring at the same time. I like that.
Nov 30th, 2008, 10:50 AM
Thank you.

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