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The Worst Trading Cards Ever Created: Part 2!
by: -RoG-

The world of non-sports trading card sets is a world that seems to be governed by no laws. If you can think of it, chances are, some lunatic found a way to make it into a trading card set. At least with sports cards, it's somewhat understandable why people would want to collect them - what with people who love statistics and collecting rookie cards of their favorite stars until they become valuable years later. Or, in most cases, you collect those rookie cards hoping that they'll one day become valuable and 20 years later a news story breaks out that your favorite sports stars were all on steroids and now their rookie cards are worth less than a festering bag of bird shit and all you can do is wish a horrible death upon them because you were stupid enough to hold onto those now-valueless cards for 20 goddamned years. Of course I'm talking about things that happened to you here... not me. Definitely not me. Nope.

Anyway, today I'd like to take a look at some more of the worst non-sports trading cards you'll ever lay your eyes on. If you haven't read part 1 of this series, make sure you do so before reading on. If you're all up to speed, then let's dive into this latest batch of absurd trading card collections...

Ah 21 Jump Street. Too cool for school! Who wouldn't want to collect cards from this "hot hit" show? Actually, I don't really recall this show ever being that "hot" when it was on, let alone a "hit". The only people I knew who watched the show did so because it was hilariously bad (but hey, what wasn't back then?). Then again, it did star Johnny Depp with a tube-sock stuffed crotch, so I'm sure there were countless teenage girls (and a handful of boys) who watched it just to see him. But trading cards? Is this really necessary? I guess they thought teenagers would like the idea of eating bubble gum that had touched a picture card of Johnny "Officer Tom Hanson" Depp. To them, I'm sure that'd be the equivalent of eating the body of Christ. And hey, big kudos to Topps. You actually found a way to make Johnny Depp look ugly. Just look at his picture on that wrapper... if you removed his hair, you'd be staring at Sloth from the Goonies. Hot!

Now here's a set that most people never heard of: Topps Fancy Pants sticker cards from 1975! This was truly a set destined for failure. The idea was to have a bunch of cards with stickers colored like blue jeans on them. You could then slap these stickers on your blue jeans and people would think you had a totally hip patch sewn right onto them! Problem is, these were cheap stickers like most sticker cards were, and they didn't stay on your jeans for long at all. A few steps and they were ready to fall right off. But perhaps that was the company's plan all along! Have the stickers fall off so the kids will want to buy more packs! I mean really, who could resist having a sticker stuck to their jeans that reads "Foxy Lady" or "Jive Turkey"? I know I couldn't. Genius!

Gone With The Wind trading cards? If you really need me to explain why these are the very definition of pointless, then you have failed at life. I hear they're coming out with a War & Peace trading cards set too. Man, it's gonna be a bitch collecting all 500,000 of them...

You want an amusing image stuck in your brain? No problemo. Just picture a bunch of confused white, suburban teenagers showing off just how down they are with O.P.P. by proudly displaying their full collection of YO! MTV Raps trading cards to the world. Oh how we loved watching them rap about being cop killers one minute and then the next, they'd be running back inside the house because mom said their Kraft Mac 'n Cheese was ready and a new episode of Full House was gonna be on TV. The one good thing I can say about this set is that it does give you a glimpse of a time when rap was actually fun and interesting to listen to. I'll take Run DMC over your Notorious 50 Puffy Eminems any day of the week. Get off my lawn, punk.

You know what I want? I want to figure out a way that I can celebrate a show featuring a guy who never sleeps with the two women he lives with. You know, a show like Three's Company. What's that you say? They have a trading card set based on the show??? SOLD! Hey Jack, just so you know, the girls didn't make up that story about you being gay so you could live with them... they made it up so they would never have to sleep with you. By the way, nice fake smile in your sticker there, tinkerbell! Any chance you could make it look a lil' more forced?

Call me crazy, but when you release a set of trading cards that feature pictures of vans that look like they'd be driven by your average rapist, perhaps it would be best to leave off the tagline that reads "Happiness is a mouthful" on the back of the wrapper. Sorry Truckin' cards, you fail.

Yes, you too can own this fantastic collection of trading cards based on the hit TV show, The Apprentice! That's right, all of your favorite stoic, undeserving, greedy, lying, backstabbing, corporate bastards from the show have been immortalized forever in this card set that you and your business school buddies can look over during one of those wild parties where you talk about the stock market while drinking wine coolers and listening to the Dave Matthews Band. AWESOME!

Back in '83, Topps decided to try putting out a new set of trading cards called Perlorian Cats, which featured felines posing in human outfits. Indian cats, gambling cats, patriotic cats, surfer cats... if you could think of it, it was in this set. Pictures of cats acting just like real people? That's hilarious! And once again, PETA fails to step up to the plate and fight against the real animal cruelty in this world. Forget about McDonald's for a change and just look at the cat on this box... it's clearly crying out for help! Where were you in their time of need?

All three fans of American Gladiators rejoiced when they found out that their favorite game show about juiced jocks taking on mortal weaklings was finally going to get its very own trading card set. Turbo, Zap, Laser, Ice, Titan, Malibu, Tank, Panther, Diamond, Thunder... they're all here! I think even some of the lesser known gladiators made their way into the set. There was a gladiator named Horace, wasn't there? I'm pretty sure there was. I think he was best friends with that other gladiator, Pumpernickel... right? Man oh man, that show ruled...

Hey mom! Can you buy me a pack of Hot Air Balloon trading cards? They're totally radical! Yes, your eyes do not deceive you, there was indeed a trading card set created for hot air ballooning enthusiasts. Finally, we can learn all the detailed information about the Cheshire Cat Balloon that has left our lives feeling so cold and empty all these years. Yes my friends, we have all ascended to Valhalla... in our hot happy air balloon card collections.

I'm pretty sure that Norfin Trolls were just one of god's many cruel jokes on this world, much like the proboscis monkey. These damned trolls were EVERYWHERE back in the late 80's and early 90's, so it shouldn't come as a surprise that somebody put out a trading cards set based on them. The cards are really awful though because they put the trolls into horrible comics and gave many of them names based on their character outfits. Names such as Alvis Rock & Troll, Officer McNorfin and Detective Sherluck plagued this trading card set and set your eyes on fire. And the worst thing about it? Unlike the real troll dolls, you couldn't rip out their hair. The only way to find relief was to use these cards as kindle in a soul-cleansing bonfire.

Ok, that's all the horrible imagery for now. Remember this is just part 2 of my "Worst Trading Cards Ever" articles, so if you happen to know of any card sets that I should cover in the future, be sure to email me and let me know!

Questions or Comments about this piece?
email -RoG-

If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out:

The Worst Trading Cards Ever Created: Part 1!
The Worst Trading Cards Ever Created: Part 1!


Wacko-Saurs Trading Cards!


Dinosaurs Attack!
Dinosaurs Attack! Trading Cards!

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