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A Letter to Xbox 360 Owners.
by: Dr. Boogie

A little while back, I had some extra cash, so I got myself an Xbox 360. A month and a half later, I was surprised to find that it had broken down in a most unexpected way. I'm not saying that a video game console breaking down is unusual (although my NES still works to this day), but it is a little unusual for a console to break down and, in the process, destroy whatever game was inside it. I was miffed. I wondered what could be the matter with the device, in oh so many four-letter words. It turns out that 360s around the globe have been dropping like flies for months, but luckily, Peter Moore (the Microsoft VP, not the serial killer) recently published a letter to address any and all problems that customers may or may not have experiences with their consoles:

To our Xbox community,

It has come to our attention that quite a few of you are frustrated. Frustrated because your Xbox 360 has transformed into a $400+ doorstop. Frustrated because you're having trouble sorting through the inscrutable accents of tech support staff. Frustrated because you may or may not have sent in your Xbox 360 to be repaired, only to receive back a different, but still broken, machine. Well we've heard you loud and clear! We know that we already have your money, but we're still thinking about you. That's why we'd like to take the time to address a few specifics complaints people have had with their Xbox 360s.

The complaint we receive most often about the 360, but at the same time not any indication of any fault on our part, is that the console tends to lapse into a lasting stupor signified by a flashing ring of red lights, even when the machine is brand new. In the past, our usual methods for repairing this problem were to have our tech support staff ignore the problem, blame it on the consumer, or try and trick the consumer into opening up the 360, thereby voiding the warranty. When all these methods failed to resolve the issue, the next step in the repair process was to have the owners send their 360s into our maintenance centers (we provided the boxes/coffins for FREE, mind you) so that we could then take the 360s and send them to other people and hoped that they worked fine for them. We've since been told by our PR firm that this practice may not be the best for our public image. In the old days, we would have simply castrated anyone bold enough to insinuate that our products were in any way faulty, but instead, we are extending the warranties of all Xbox 360s to 3 years for this specific problem. If your 360 is currently a useless hunk of third-rate components that razz you with their constant blinking, we will repair it for you, free of charge. Just call our tech support center and an agent will guide through the fruitless process of returning your machine for a "repair".

There have also been complaints that the Xbox 360 has allegedly scratched some of your alleged 360 games that you allegedly own. First, let me just say that even though I am an executive in the company with access to virtually all of the technological aspects of the 360 at my disposal, I cannot confirm nor deny that the 360 is damaging discs. More importantly, though, the tremendous numbers of people claiming that the 360 damaged their games (we are currently investigating if this is a global conspiracy to discredit Microsoft, or just a mere coincidence) are saying that their game discs are showing a perfect circular scratch on the back. Now think about that: ten years ago, it would have been impossible for any gaming hardware to render a perfect circle. Truth be told, if you believe that your 360 is carving circles into your discs, you should be grateful that you have a machine that is capable of such precision and perfection. I mean, can YOU draw a perfect circle? It's much harder than it looks.

Now, I'd like to address some minor issues:

A very small number of you are claiming that your Xbox 360s are heating up to the point that you can fry an egg on the CD tray. This is a violation of the product guidelines that will result in the termination of the console warranty. Please do not use the Xbox 360 for any kind of cooking.

Some of you feel that it is inappropriate for us to refer to the small section of breakaway cord at the end of the Xbox 360's controller as the "dongle". Rest assured that we have made this our top priority. We have recently added an Etymology department at our Seattle headquarters, and our staff is working round the clock to come up with a less compromising term for this particular piece of hardware.

Finally, I would like to advise all of our customers to pay no attention to the recent news story that the Xbox 360 has been added to FAA's list of hazardous materials forbidden from transport by air. This is in fact a propaganda campaign. Did you know that most cargo planes are manufactured outside of the US, and that payments made toward the purchase of jet fuel often find their way into the hands of organizations like Al Qaeda? Microsoft has stated time and time again that we will not support terrorists, and so we will continue to ship our 360s over land by truck (in 2-hour long shifts, in order to provide ample time for our drivers to refill the liquid nitrogen tanks).

Thank you all, in advance, for staying with us during this difficult period. Moreover, special thanks go out to all of you that are not currently suing us. For those of you who are, however, the money we saved by sending all our tech support services overseas has been reallocated to the legal department, so good luck!

Questions or Comments about this piece?
email Dr. Boogie

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