Seven Christmas Specials You'll Never See
by: Max Burbank

The Year Without Several Inches
of Santa's Small Intestine!

Stop-motion animated puppet Santa is forced to cancel Christmas after his gastric bypass surgery goes dangerously awry! It's up to apprentice elves Jangly and Sepsis (voiced by Drew Barrymore and Wanda Sykes) and their wind-up penguin Stewart to show mean old chief of surgery, Dr. Scroogeington, the true meaning of Christmas! But are Santa's reindeer strong enough to pull a sleigh holding all the toys and a respirator that runs on Christmas magic?

Christopher Hitchen's All-Star
Atheist Holiday Fun Suck!

Legendary blowhard Christopher Hitchens' delightful brand of vitriolic contrarianism leaps off the page and into your living room! Nothing says "Xmas Magic" like an in depth discussion with Charlie Rose on the non-existence of God, Jesus, Santa, the Grinch and Charlie Brown! Settle in by the fire as Hitch explains to Zach Braff why Hanukkah is a celebration of backward Jewish tribalism! Live via satellite, Hitch pisses off the entire Mormon Tabernacle Choir and shuts off the Christmas tree lights at Rockefeller Center!

How The Grinch Stole Cindy Lou Who's Kidneys
and Left Her in a Bathtub Full of Ice!

This little known sequel is not redeemed by the final scene in which the Grinch has a change of heart and rides into town on a sleigh full of transplantable organs.

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like
Christmas is Getting Cancelled!

Uh-Oh! Stop-motion animated puppet Santa got a sliver and now he's going to cancel Christmas! It's up to intern elves Grabby and Victim and their magical talking icicle Meconium to find an interracial gang of kids who still know the true meaning Of Christmas! Meanwhile, Mrs. Claus has her hands full when the Christmas Hating Polar Bear Brothers (voiced by Jack Black and John Heder) discover they're flamboyantly gay!

Modok and OJ Save Christmas!

When the Big Guy gets sidelined by Seasonal Depressive Disorder, can a Machine Organism Designed Only for Killing and a mentally ill, homicidal has-been save the day? The title kind of gives the answer away, but you'll never guess what kind of insane holiday hi-jinks a floating weaponized head and a pathetic, murderous former celebrity desperate for attention can get up to on ice and under the mistletoe!

A Very Gungan Christmas!

"Mesa wanna go unda watah caroling?! Beddah bringa upchuck bucket!" There's a "No Gungan's Need Apply" sign on the Island of Misfit toys! Even Santa hates him! What's a poor Jar-Jar to do? Will the Baby Jesus accept his humble gift of a one Gungan universal ethnic Minstrel show? Hey, even the Lamb of God has his limits!

What's Santa's Damage?

Stop motion animated puppet Mrs. Claus has a black eye, the sleigh is wrapped around a telephone pole, and Santa won't put down the "Christmas Cheer"! Could this be the year that Christmas gets... CANCELLED?! It's up to Scab Elves Huxley and Fingers and their enchanted tire iron Mexican Pete (voiced by Carlos Mencia) to find a Rehab with the true Christmas spirit before Chris Cringle pulls a Jonestown!

Questions or Comments about this piece?
email Max Burbank

If you enjoyed this piece, be sure to check out:

Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer And Friends: Where Are They Now?
Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer And Friends:
Where Are They Now?

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