FRANK,
A Disgruntled Telephone Operator
For Thermal Gard Windows

So, he answered the phone again, "Hello, may I take your order?", and then he heard some kids laugh and hang-up. It was the same kids that called him at precisely 9:34am everyday. Frank yelled, "That's it! I've had it with this job! You should all kill yourselves for putting up with this kind of a life! This kind of a life...this isn't even living! We come here, we plug ourselves into the wall and answer phones like robots all day long and get paid barely enough to afford a hubcap!" All the employees were shocked, because there's not normally this kind of excitement in the Thermal-Gard™ operator headquarters. His boss, Mr.Oaklynch, told him he was fired. Frank looked at him as if he was crazy, "Did you even listen to a word I just said?!? I said, `I've had it with this job!', which implies that I no longer plan on staying here! I don't care if you fire me! I hate you! I hate everything about this place!" His boss yelled at him some more, but instead of arguing back, Frank ripped down one of the rows of track lighting and began to beat his boss with it repeatedly. Soon after, his boss was dead. Frank left and said, "I think those lights are out, somebody had better replace them". The entire room was speechless.

When Frank walked outside it was as if he was a new man. Everything seemed to have a new meaning to him. He new his purpose in life now: to make everyone who had hurt him pay for what they had done to him. First off, he wanted to punish the kids who were pranking him at 9:34am every morning and giving him nightmares. Frank could tell that they were young kids who couldn't be in high school yet, and since there were only two middle schools in the area, it wasn't too hard for him to figure out who was doing it. You see, Frank was a mathematical genius, so he was able to narrow the list of kids down who could be calling him in the morning just by looking at the two school's bus schedules. He figured that the kids had to go to Tossenhill Middle School because the other school started two hours earlier and there was no way kids would be calling from their school. Judging that most kids would get up roughly a half hour before their bus arrived; because, in middle school nobody worried about showering or combing their hair unless they were real losers, Frank found that the most likely candidates were Jimmy and Jerry Gladstone.

He noticed that they ran out at 9:20 every morning to get the morning paper so they could read the comics. Their bus arrived at approximately 9:50am. They seemed to follow the same routine everyday, and Frank now knew it by heart. Still, Frank couldn't just harm them without more substantial proof. Frank waited until 9:34am the following morning, and he went up to a window on their house and, sure enough, he saw the two boys giggling on the phone. So, Frank bought a cellular phone, without the optional extended warranty, and called them. "Hello", the timid little boy answered. "Hello, my name is Frank. You and your brother have been calling me for the past two years at the same time every morning and harassing me. I am a serial killer who loves to test my skills out on little boys who call me. Some people like to call me Satan, but you two are special. You can call me the guy who is in your house standing right behind you." Just then the two boys turned around in horror, and good old Frank was standing right there. He instantly snapped their two precious little necks. They fell lifelessly to the floor, and Frank even took their pre-made lunches which included peanut-butter sandwiches that had M&M smiley faces on them. It's too bad for the boys that they forgot to lock the door each morning when they came back inside after getting the paper or Frank might have not been able to sneak inside and kill them. It's also too bad that their mom was busy being an operator for Anderson Windows™ in the mornings, or she might have been able to stop Frank.

So, Frank left the house and he decided to leave a "calling card" for his crime. He left a genuine $50 gift-certificate, courtesy of Thermal-Gard™, to help out the mother for her grief. For not only did Frank kill her children, but he outsold her by a long-shot in the window business. Her name was Gladice, and she really worked hard since her husband left her for another woman a long time ago. When she got home, she screamed and decided to go on her own rampage against the world. Gladice ran outside waving a gun in the air and...wait a minute...this story is about Frank's personal grudge against the entire world, not Gladice's. So I will leave it up to you to decide what the hell happened to her. (Here's a hint though: she ended up in Bolivia with a pair of St. John's Bay loafers).

Anyway, now that Frank had already killed three of the people whom he hated, his boss and those two kids, it was time to avenge the death of his beloved wife, Lahtel. After all, his life seemed to go completely down the drain when she was killed. She gave him encouragement, she made him the best TV dinners that he ever had the pleasure of consuming. She even taught him how to install The Clapper™ on ANYTHING. So it was obvious that the morons who slaughtered his wife had to get a taste of their own medicine. Being a person who ate a lot of meat, it was kind of hard for Frank to kill the people who made the greasy burgers that he loved so much. But, when he thought about dear Lahtel, there was no turning back. He eventually arrived at the slaughterhouse, but much later than expected. Frank had to beat up a little girl because his car broke down and she happened to be nearby riding a new bike. So, he beat her up and took her bike, installed a Clapper™ on the bike's horn, and began his journey to the slaughterhouse.

Two days later, Frank was in West Virginia at the very location where his wife was turned into a "Wendy's Combo #1" meal. Frank wanted to get more than just revenge out of this little ordeal. He acted cheerful at first and got Bubba, the main slaughterhouse guy who killed Frank's wife, to help him load some meat into the Barbie basket on the back of Frank's newly acquired bicycle. Frank was going to need some food for later, so at least he was thinking of his health instead of just killing people. After the basket was stuffed to the rim and dripping with cow blood, Frank decided it was time to let Bubba in on who he really was. "Do you know who I am Bubba?" Bubba stood there and took off his cap and scratched his head for a long time. Then, two minutes later, he replied with a simply confused "uhhh nope". Frank could tell that this was going to be too easy. "Nevermind, it doesn't matter. Hey, why don't you be a sport and show me around the slaughterhouse, I heard you've given people tours of this place before." "Oh yeah," Bubba replied, "I've done that a lot, but I accidentally killed some poor lady a long time ago because I mistook her for a cow. You really couldn't tell the difference between her and the cow though. I guess that made it ok. At least she tasted good." Frank smothered his anger with a smile and calmly said, "Awww, I'm sure it wasn't your fault anyway," and then he pointed, "Say, isn't that where you carve up the cows?"

Bubba seemed to be really excited about having a visitor. You could tell he loved his job. So Frank not only found it justifiable in killing Bubba because he killed Lahtel, but Bubba would also die doing what he loved. Frank quickly sliced him up in the vast machinery and had a delicious Bubba Burger. Now that Frank was feeling quite staunch about his cause, he left the farm after dropping another $50 gift-certificate on the slaughtered remains of Bubba. He noticed that he was starting to get in much better shape after riding on the Barbie bike and eating so much meat. "This will only help me put more people out of MY misery!" he laughed. After riding for a full week, not knowing which direction he was headed, Frank pulled his bike over to the side of a road. "Wait a minute, who can I kill now? What else has bothered me for a long time?" Just then a cop pulled up to Frank and tried to arrest him because he fit the description of a man who was reported in Virginia for beating up a little girl and taking her bike. Still, Frank was too quick for the cop, and took his nightstick and beat him to death. Now Frank had a new means of transportation. So he got into the cop's car, installed a clapper on the siren, and started to drive. He turned on the radio and was instantly disgusted. The same wretched music that he had to hear playing over the intercom all day long during his days as an operator was on the radio station. "That's it," he exclaimed, "I need to rid my life of this horrid music that tortures me! Why can't we have polka music all the time instead of this crap???"

He drove all the way back to Virginia to the radio station that played this music that he was forced to listen to everyday. It was none other than K-95 "America's #1 Country and Rock music station". The DJ, Sike Mica, was a complete moron with a nasal voice who Frank grew to hate with a passion over the years. On his way to the station, Frank robbed a few stores of all of their polka albums so that he could change the whole setup of this station once and for all. He made Sike load the 100 some-odd cds he stole into the mega-multi-disk-changer and hit the "On-Air" switch. After a few violent acts, and leaving his "calling-card" of vengeance, Frank was in and out in a matter of moments. He drove off and began to laugh when he heard his polka music playing on the radio station. He had even forced Sike to pre-record an advertisement for Thermal-Gard™ windows and set the station to play it every hour on the hour. The advertisement went like this: "Please don't hurt me! Ok! Ok! Ummm, buy Thermal-Gard™ windows, they're really nice, and ummm, oh god help me! This guy likes them a lot and uhhmm...uhhh....AAHHHHHHHH!!! (THUMP)" Little did all the listeners out there know that the "THUMP" they heard was the microphone getting rammed down Sike's throat instantly killing him. Today was indeed a good day for Frank. "So now what?", Frank asked himself. Just then the idea hit him. "YES! I WILL OPEN UP A ROLLER SKATING RINK!"

Why Frank wanted to open a rink will be explained a little bit later. So he went to make the withdrawal and Frank realized he didn't have much money since Thermal Gard™ really didn't pay that much. So after withdrawing everything he had, 20 bux, he decided he had to kill someone with money. "Now who do I hate that has lots of money and deserves to die? I've got it! The head of Thermal Gard™ windows! Dick Van Patten!" Frank took a taxi took the Van Patten mansion which was in a secret place in the Colorado Rockies. Well it wasn't THAT secret since a loser like Frank knew where it was. Frank almost lost his lunch when he arrived there. The entire mansion was made out of Thermal Gard™ glass. "This is too easy," he thought to himself. Frank picked up a rock and through it through one of the windows, which caused a chain reaction and made the entire mansion collapse in an extremely loud crash. He found Mr. Van Patten buried under a ton of the glass. He was killed instantly since a blade landed directly on his throat. Isn't it ironic how his own creation that gave him a life took it away? Anyway, back to Frank. He found the Van Patten mansion's main safe. Yet again, it was made of Thermal Gard. Frank laughed, and smashed it with another rock. Not only did he find a lot more 50 dollar gift-certificates (which he had been running out of), but he found a cool million in cash! With this kind of money, Frank was going to open the best skating rink the world had ever seen! He left a 50 dollar gift-certificate stuffed in Dick Van Patten's mouth so that everyone knew it was the same guy who had killed all those other people and left his little calling card.

Frank went to a construction company and paid them to make the best roller-rink that they could possibly create. Five months later, Frank's dream was complete. It was cleverly titled, "A Place You Can Roller Skate". It could hold up to a million people, not even including the employees!!! Actually, it was built right next to Disney World, and to Frank's delight, it soon put them out of business. However, he hired the character of Donald Duck to be the DJ at his rink because he thought Donald had a cool voice. With Disney out of business and Frank making tons of money, everything seemed to be going well. Could Frank finally be settling down and leading a normal life again? Yeah right! There was a HUGE shiny red lever in the corner where Frank stood every night as he watched everyone skating. It had a sign that read, "If you touch this lever, I will kill you". Nobody ever went near it, except for Frank. Anyhow, Frank setup the 4th of July to be his biggest day of the year and he expected the rink to draw in a MILLION people all at once! Sure enough, Frank's estimate proved to be correct. The full million came and were all on the rink skating together. It was amusing, because people were really crowded and getting into fights because they had no room to skate. You see, the rink COULD hold a million people, but, they would have very little breathing room if that many actually showed up. Frank waited for the moment when everyone was on the rink at once and then he got on the microphone to make an announcement.

"Hi, my name's Frank, I'm the guy that made this place. I've been waiting a long time to unleash the secret of The Big Red Lever™ that I've been guarding this this place opened. It is now time to reveal the secret! Are you people ready????" Everyone yelled in unison, "Yeah!" along with a ton of clapping and whistling. Frank grinned, "Alright! Without further adieu, I give you THE SECRET OF THE BIG RED LEVER! HAHAHAHA!" Just then, Frank pulled the lever and the entire skating rink opened up. It turns out, it was a giant hole and everyone fell to their deaths. And guess what they landed in...THAT'S RIGHT! 10 tons of shattered Thermal Gard™ windows! Frank had killed more people than any person had done single-handedly in the history of the world! Within a few minutes the cops showed up and arrested Frank. They didn't even put him on trial, they brought Frank straight to the electric chair. They asked him if he had anything left to say before they fried him, and Frank laughed. "Why yes, yes I do. Tell me, do you really think MY death will fix all the people that I have killed? Will it make the families who lost their beloved one's feel any better? Will people ever buy Thermal Gard™ windows again? I think you know the obvious answer...and that answer is NO!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" In an angry rage, one of the officers ran over to the switch and fried Frank. They left the electricity on for a half-hour to make sure he was dead. Since his skin was now charcoal black, it was pretty evident that Frank wouldn't be killing anyone else. Still Frank proved to be the angriest man ever spawned. A man who was pushed too far and took it out on the world.

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