The
Truth About Jimmy Hoffa
(This story
appeared as a spoken word bit on a recent Abbreviated.
Life. Expectancy. album!)
First of all, the title "The Truth About Jimmy Hoffa" has
nothing to do with the actual story, so get that idea out of your head right
now. Ok, so there was this loser named Bob. Bob had two keys. He didn't know
what the hell they were for. Bob, being a typical putz, never really cared about
what the two keys were for because he spent most of his time drinking beer,
smoking, doing drugs and beating his wife. One day, his house caught on fire and
he lost EVERYTHING he owned. Even his favorite pet "Mojo". Mojo was a
dead sardine that he threw into a fish bowl and called his own pet. Bob barely
escaped in time to save his life. He had nothing but his clothes and these two
keys that were in his pocket. "Damnit, well, since I have nothing else to
do, I might as well find out what the hell these keys are for!" said Bob.
He started asking all of his friends if they had recognized the keys. None of
them did. Then again, that might be because Bob didn't have any friends except
Mojo. Mojo is dead. So, Bob started putting the two keys into anything he could
find; keyholes, cola cans, dead people, live people... it really didn't matter.
Nothing seemed to happen. Actually, that's not the truth. The alive people got
pretty angry when he jabbed keys into their stomach. In fact, they beat the hell
out of Bob. (but that's what all wife beaters deserve anyway) So after Bob got
out of intensive care, he limped on down the road still in search of what these
two keys were for. Bob thought about his youth when he used to swim in the pond
near old Mr. Fenders house. He laughed at the thought of him and his brother joe
splashing each other with water. Again, this has nothing to do with the plot of
this story, so we will move on.
Bob was still on
the same road that he had been walking on for the past two days. Suddenly Bob
thought to himself, "Hey! Now I have something else to do! I can find out
what road I'm on instead of finding out what these keys are for!" Just
then, Bob turned around and saw a sign which read "Svenkins Road". Bob
was really mad, because now he knew what road he was on and that meant he had to
go back to his original plan of finding out what the two keys were for. Bob saw
a piece of tree bark on the ground and thought to himself, "nahhh! these
keys couldn't work in that piece of bark!" Still, the piece of tree bark
seemed to be beckoning him closer and closer. There was a tiny hole in the piece
of tree bark that seemed just perfect for the two keys to fit in! Bob, even
though he was previously skeptical about the whole "key in bark" idea,
was now starting to believe it himself. He slowly inserted one key after the
other into the piece of bark and.....NOTHING! Ha ha ha. I bet you thought
something really dramatic was going to happen at this point in the story didn't
you? Well too bad. Stop whining. You've still got a lot of reading to do.
Anyway, Bob just starting yelling in an angry rage and he snapped the piece of
tree bark in half. However, one of the keys was still in the bark when he did
this and he broke the key in half. So now Bob was really mad because he would
now never knew what one of those keys was for. So he walked down the road with
the single key in his hand thinking to himself, "Man, I shouldn't have set
my house on fire to begin with. That was stupid." Oh did I forget to
mention he was the one who set his house on fire? I'm sorry, I didn't think it
was that important at the time. And guess what, IT'S NOT! So, he continued his
walk down Svenkins road and he saw a door in the middle of it just sitting
there. This had to be it. He walked up towards the door, and just then a Value
Jet airplane crashed on top of Bob instantly killing him.
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