• Roger's text appears in This Color
• Andrew's text appears in This Color

Got it? Good. Ok, without further delay, we present you with...

THE PLANET

First of all, this story has absolutely NOTHING to do with the title. The title exists merely for entertainment purposes only. There was this thermonuclear digital phase satellite that beamed a message to a man named Fabian Cortez. Fabian became Thermonuclear Digital Phase man, and fought crime throughout Shit City, Idaho. He kept the peace for a while until one day when the new kids came to town. It was a gang of racially confused idiot "yo-boys" who threatened everyone with their "Gats" (which were probably imaginary). Thermonuclear Digital Phase man laughed at these pitiful "No Fear" excuses for human life. The "yo-boys", however, thought that they were far superior to everyone else, and threatened to "cap" any "beötch" that got in their way. But, Thermonuclear Digital Phase man was an exquisite impetus. While the "yo-boys" were indoors "sippin on gin and juice", Thermonuclear Digital Phase man decided to pay their "Low-Riders" a little visit. When the "yo-boys" went outside to go "cruisin", they received a quick shock. The once glamorous low-riders had been turned into snow shovels of various proportions. They pulled out their 9mm's, "gats", "glocks", sawed-off shotguns and pumped Thermonuclear Phase Man, with a Digital in there too, full o' shells. He laughed, and proceeded to brutally bludgeon, pummel, and finally eviscerate the racially whacked punks. He was very pleased. One of the racially confused lads looked up with his last breath at Thermonuclear Phase Man. Phase man laughed, "Good, Bad, I'm the one with the real guns". Then proceeded to blow off various ligaments of the last "yo-boy's" body. Then, TDP man went down to the local mall to go prep-bashing. He hit the stores that sold various "Stüssy" garments first. Of course, budding drunkards of all ages were abundant. TDP man laughed and thought to himself. "Ahhh, it's just too easy." Before his rampage began, TDP man thought to himself, "Hey, I need a new super-hero name or nobody will remember it". Then he pondered... "By Jove! I've got it! My new super-hero name will be JULIO!" "Yes, Julio... Julio the chingasö! Much better!" Julio the chingasö decided that all shitheads must perish. He walked into the clothing store, and shouted, "Beer is for pussies!" Every generic bad-ass in the store turned to beat the bejesus outta Julio. Alas... he had to kill. again, and again... Jim Bob was one of the fools who tried to attack, but Julio didn't even fight. He simply said, "Hey, I heard about your fun with old ladies", the malls inhabitants burst out laughing as Jim Bob ran into tears from the society that mocked his very existence. Then Julio the chingasö stifled the laughter by emitting a high frequency emulsion detonator, thus annihilating the entire mall. He was the only survivor. Then, he went to the local playground to harass small children. When Bob got to the cleaners they told him, "I'm sorry sir, your suit isn't ready". Bob couldn't take it much more, he was living in a society that forced him to become a hermit thermite sales counselor. He whipped out his can of silly string and sprayed it in the cleaning lady's mouth - suffocating and poisoning her all at once. Bob was now content. But John, on the other hand, was not. His pitiful life as the "sanitary engineer" at the Annitta Dickens Pornographic Actors school was a horrid experience. His lack of intellectual capacity had made him the butt of all jokes at the workplace, so he decided to end his own merciless existence. He took the ice cream cone, and the can of V8, and that was the last anyone saw him alive. Kirk, however, was not so lucky. This sad recluse had no hope. Spending his life as a door-to-door orange-flavored toothpaste salesman, he barely had anything. His few morsels of bread were moldy and stale. His brother Sven was a huge success with soap, while he remained a failure with dirty shoes. Rickzy was also a tortured soul. The woman who typed his birth certificate was so inebriated that she added to extra letters. He has been degraded for his reject name all his life, and because of the fact that he was the inventor of the Zuccini Chair™, and his father was a transvestite aluminum siding salesman. Anyways, back to the story, Julio arrived at the playground far too late. The children had been devoured by mutant car hubcaps. Julio was pissed, for he now knew what he had to do, the anger inside him burst out like the steam in a tea kettle. This meant, he had to go to 7-11 and torment Raheeb Alliwhalikhaligindavajikhaik, the Arabian immigrant manager of the store. But, when he got to the 7-11, the slurpee machine was out of order, again. So, he had only one choice. Take his anger out on Raheeb. He shoved Raheeb into the slurpee machine. Then he turned it on and the blood-chilled mix started to form. So he put his mug under the dispenser and had a "Raheeb's Blood Slurpee™". Unsurprisingly, the flavor did not go over well with the public. Frederick P. Enis, as a matter of fact, hated the "Raheeb's Blood Slurpee™" so much, he vomited insidiously all over himself. Due to this horrible atrocity, the Shit City bank fired Fred. Julio was angered by this, for he felt this was, and I quote, "The Slurpee of the 90's". He then dumped all the remaining "Raheeb Blood Slurpees™" on the Shit City Bank, drowning all of it's employees in an eternal Brain Freeze. Mr. Chingasö heard a rumor about one man who was even more powerful than himself. His name is Tatsü. Tatsü has amazing powers as well as the ability to make a clan of Ninjas appear by simply closing his fists. However, if he opened his fists, the "Fung-Ku master of "that which is not" Ninja" would destroy Tatsü. So all Mr. Chingasö had to do was make Tatsü open his fist. This was not an easy task, because... He had to make it through Tatsü's underground, then through his Clan o' Ninjas, then finally get Tatsü while not smelling his "Dragon Breath™", which didn't come from the mouth, but the dreaded rectal posterior of the body. So Señor Chingasö infiltrated the gates to "Tatsü's Mystical Underground Playland", with his army firmly behind him. Ninjas came flying from everywhere, but when the Chingasös pulled out their "Gats" the ninjas were no more... But so was the chingasö army having been slaughtered by the cuts of perfection delivered by the ninjas. Now, face to face, Tatsü and the Chingasö stood with anxiety. Tatsü must have eaten at Taco Hell even more than El Chingasö, because his "Dragon Breath™" was in full effect. But, due to his overloaded intake of imported Columbian cocaine, the Chingasö was unable to smell any of the vile anal-eminations! What luck! Chingasö flew with fury at first, knocking Tatsü off his feet. However, when Tatsü rose, his fist closed as Tatsü let out his battle cry... "MMM!!". Some strange force knocked the Chingasö 20 feet back into a steel wall that just "happened to be there". Chingasö jumped to his feet and performed an 80s disco dance all the way over to Tatsü. Tatsü, vehemently angry, was so confused that he mistakenly opened his fist. Satan laughed. Hell was about to break loose. And it did. Satan came up from the ground and told Tatsü, "Boy, you've been bad. Time to take your medicine". Then he banished Tatsü to be a fish pedlar. Chingasö was mad because... The Shit City Mayor, Dick, not Richard, Dick N. Largent was infuriated. He put out a full-scale assault alliance team out for Julio, but, the Hispanic community call him racist (since Julio was a Chingasö after all). The full scale assault alliance was now defunct. But... Nothing. This was war, Julio and the Chingasös vs. The World. But, Julio had faith in his army; they had Taco Bell for food, they had the ghettos for shelter, and we all know they had the guns. Their war cry became famous, "We don't need no stinking corporate bankers!", they cried endlessly. And the Chingasö-American was a war to go down in the history books. The bandana headed, shotgun brandishing, top button only shirt wearin' Chingasös were out for blood, and some drugs if at all possible. Julio led the way, but decided an affirmative name change was again in order. "Chingasö de Death", it was! The Bankers, even though there were many more of them, were extremely worried. The only weapons they had were their silver dollars to throw. They also had their "20 years younger wives who only married them for their money because they are sleazy overpowering bitches who love taking over guys who are easily *whipped*". So they used their "oh-so-overtly-anal-retentive-richbitch" wives as blockades from the shotgun blasts. Julio popped a load of shells into the skull of the bank owner. He died. Julio was pleased, but not finished. The wives were still alive, one of them went up to Julio and said, "I'll do you if you let me go!". Julio responded, "How about I do you, you skank!" and he proceeded to fill her with lead as his gatlin gun glistened in the warm sunlight. No degrading sexual favors could cause Julio to relent. He went into the bank, kicking in heads left and right. The death toll was rising fast. The Chingasö de Death takes no prisoners, and no shit. But, back then, in the old days, we left off with the Tatsü battle. Now , we return to the preprogram ... he had hoped the "medicine" would have been for Tatsü to get a good ol' fashioned ass-rapin' by a pitch-fork. Obviously, even Satan had more sympathy than our hero Chingasöman. Not only that, but Chingasöman knew he had not truly defeated Tatsü. At the time Tatsü seemed to be "man-handling" him. Chingasöman was no homophobe, but he sure as hell didn't want to be fondled by another man! After all, he had been taught as a child to know the difference between a good touch and a bad touch. "Shit!" he cried. Chingasöman wept (unnecessary bible reference). It was time for another name-change. "I'll call myself 'Plutonic Galoshes Man!' Yes that's it!" He cried in joy and slipped on his obnoxiously bright yellow raincoat with matching galoshes and fled into the dark. The rain slicker was so bright, that all the light it reflected brightened the night sky, and caused a change in time zones! But, one of his plutonic galoshes fell down a sewer... So from every grating and manhole cover in the city streets, a bright yellow light was emitted. He went down into the sewer to chase his galosh. But, when he was about to pick it up, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles came quickly around the corner to attack him, being the trespasser that he was. He took his "boomerang hearing-aide" and banked all of the TMNTs in the heads. When they fell, he brutally fried and marinated them for dinner, on his "Sears brand Charbroiled Hot Grill"... After devouring his "Créme de Turtle", he picked up his boot and ascended back to the streets. HE heard that someone was selling 80-year-old elderlies illegally on the streets. Galosh man was interested, but not in buying. He was going to give them their "Going Out of Business" Sale! But, when he found them, they weren't selling "elderlies", but in fact, "Peddler's things". Agitated by his incessant misinformation, Galoshes man degenitaliated the poor, poor, poor, poor, misfortuned, devastated, peddler man. The peddler man wept. The peddler man continued to weep. He was in pain. Since Julio had no galoshes left, he wanted yet another name and it was, "Loony Bob". Loony Bob found out that the evil "Tough Boy" gang had just come to town and made a robot clone of him. It came after Loony Bob and had him pinned on the ground. Just as Bob was about to be torn apart, the energizer bunny walked by and the robot's batteries went dead since they were "generic" batteries. Loony Bob cried, "Grrrrrrreat!" just like Tony the Tiger when he ate frosted flakes. Loony Bob chased the Tough Boy gang into a a dead end road. The gang peed in their pants. But loony Bob decided to... make them sweep it up! The streets were dirty enough and Loony Bob didn't want to have anyone sleep on that vile liquid. One of them refused, then Bob made a bigger mess out of him for all the other "tough guys" to clean up. After cleaning up the urine and scattered excrement droppings, with their tongues, Loony Bob just plain beat the hell out of the gang. Now, Loony Bob decided to go out to Redneckville to open up a can o' asswuppin' on some inbreds. So the epic continues... Loony Bob decided to get his degree. It was time he went back to school. He called the ECPI number he saw on TV, applied and was accepted easily for 2 reasons. 1 - his true bravery and heroism. 2 - the money he paid them. So he was off to ECPI in Illinois(e). However, "Loony Bob" was an unfitting name for a student. He needed a temporary civilian name, he thought "Joe Average" was a fitting name. His first month at ECPI was a disaster. Joe Average became the first applicant ever to be physically removed from the ECPI program, due to mental incapacities. However, his second month was a success. He seemed to have an inner connection with his "Wok cooking for the mentally inferior" class. His excitement about his success was show at all times. He did so well they even put him on one of their new "high tech" commercials. Joe Average was on his way to a promising career. He was even a guest on the "Wok With Yan" cooking show. As a regular on the show, Joe Average became an instant hit in all of the underground cult cooking TV show circles. Joe went on a tour of all oriental countries, woking all the way. After landing in a special side-tracked area, Nepal, Joe was struck ill by eating a goat cheese burrito. He had diarrhea for a month. Upon returning to ECPI, Joe was given the "Technical Aptitude For Graduating Exam". It looked JUST like this:

(click on above image to enlarge)

Of course, Joe Average failed since he started at the cheese. Since they wouldn't let him take a retest, it was time to once again release the rage he had held within. He strapped on various weapons (darts, sai, water balloons) and made his way up to the front gates at ECPI. An ECPI representative stopped Joe at teh entrance, and uttered no more than a stifled "Ummph!" Because Joe had put his fist down the ECPI man's throat, then he impaled the man on a Mercedes' hood ornament. Joe stormed into the ECPI campus. Then a cheery "Graduate" came walking out of the building holding his diploma in the cool breeze as he smiled. Joe was now infuriated. Joe took the diploma and proceeded to wipe his ass on it. When the "Graduate" tried to stop him, Joe picked him up and threw him high in the air. On the way down, the graduate landed on the flagpole which easily pierced his body as his quickly fading body slid down to the ground. Joe walked into ECPI with generic "80s funk pimp-daddy theme music" playing behind him. He went straight for the fuse-box, and cut the power. When all the confused students exited their classes, Joe ran down the hall with outstretched arms, blatantly using the WWF method of the infamous close-line! The students were all rendered out-of-commission. It was time to find the headmaster. Joe had used all of his weapons on the students and faculty. So he was going to have to kill him with his bare hands. The headmaster yelled "Hey! You can't come in here!". Joe then ripped out his tongue and laughed. The headmaster cringed as Joe waved the bloody tongue in his face as he passed out and choked on his own blood. Joe was now truly back to his old self. He was a proud American! But... Joe decided to move on to bigger, better things. He flew out to Florida, bought a guitar, and decided to start a (generic) death metal band. He changed his name to Lucifer Necrophile, and called his band Nocturnal Emission. After hanging up ads in all the local music stores, the band was complete, and ready to thrash it up. After three short weeks the band had an album (produced by Scott Burns at Morrisound studios), a record deal (on Nuclear Blast of course, they sign anything), and a great logo with every satanic symbol placed in it, strategically, so that it was illegible. They began a tour with the eversomature band, Cannibal Corpse. The tour quickly ended when a cannibal corpse member was devoured. Plus, Necrophile's band got pissed at him since they really wanted to play polka music. So the band broke up, but at least Necrophile made the cover of "People" magazine. So he thought to himself, "Fuck it all", and shaved his head and went to sign up for the marines. The sign up guy he talked to was "Mr. Sergeant Colonel Cadet". But, after Lucifer beat the everliving shit out of an innocent, homosexual marine, he was dismissed. Still, he had to do more. Already having generic badass shaved head, and a guitar, he changed his name to Rick Deranged and started a (generic) New York Hardcore band. But, after one week, he decided against the decision, and flew out to Canada; he wanted to find and kill the oh-so-anti-American bands spewing forth from the Canadian realm. So he went to a farm where there was rumored to be a neat-o "Flag-burning Gig". Ahhh... it was Propagandhi, the biggest loser band of them all. There was even a whining group of young brats from Virginia following the band's every word. Rick knew this was going to be fun, he got thrills out of being mean to those younger than he. Especially little "board-toting" losers with wallet-chains, pierced body parts and pretty dyed hair just to impress all of their friends. When Propatrendhi, errr... gandhi took the wheat-field (stage) to play, the crowd went bananas. As soon as the first flick of flame came in touch with the ALMIGHTY AMERICAN FLAG, Rick went wack-o! I mean hell, Rick would be the first to admit that the US of A had its problems, downfalls, etc.; but it was a damned good country. Joe, Rick, whatever the hell, called Propagandhi sexist, un-punk, "faggots" (just to piss them off), and charged them. Rick bowled them over and beat the piss out of them. Then, he played the funkdoobylicious version of the star spangled banner on their instruments. The skateboarding, wallet-chain sporting, dyed hair, bodily pierced, tattooed, big pants wearing chumps wept. Then they hugged and consoled each other, then they wept more. Then, Rick strangled them with their wallet chains, after tearing them off from their jeans and stealing their money; just to prove that WALLET CHAINS DON'T DO SHIT! Now Rick knew how free he really was in "God's Country", the good old U.S.A. Then Rick thought, "Wait! What if I make it my country instead of God's!" So, Rick now had to face his biggest challenge. Rick had to kick God's ass. Rick sacrificed a lamb and screamed, "I welcome thy Lord!" when all the planets were in perfect alignment. He waited and waited, nothing happened. So either he won or there was no god at all. In essence, Rick was "Da Man" of the U.S.A. "But, what about all those other 'gods'?", wondered Rick, now known as the High Master Savior. The Savior decided to destroy "Krishna" and "Buddha" and all of the other supposed immortals. Rick the Savior shaved his head and left just a little Krishna-tail in the back, went to the airport, found the "Krishna literature crew" and joined the Hare Krishna ranks. However, he got lost on the plan and accidentally joined the wrong group. The Savior now realized he had joined the infamous "Biker-Prostitutes™" gang. So he hopped on his new Harley and started going down the road waving at all the truckers like Ed, Roy, Joe, Billy-Bob, and the rest of "the boys" that passed them on the highway. When Savior Rick realized that the biker gang was a homosexual love slave posse by night, he ran like hell. Rick was going home. (a long trip elapses) Rick is home now. Rick kicked in the door and plopped down to watch the channel 666 news. Charles Whittaker was tonight's newscaster. Charles led an awfully secretive life. His wife and children didn't know it, but Charles was a Satanic Neonazi Rabbi named Bobby Berkeshevitzberg. Hisstory goes like this... Anyways, back to the plot. Little Joey Garputhia was so excited. He burst out of the car as his mom chased him through the parking lot. The circus was finally here! Dancing midgets, happy clowns packed by the hundreds in a small car, tight-rope walkers, cannons, and more were all there! There was a glisten in Joey's eyes. A young heart bursting with excitement, his dream had come true. No more stories before bedtime about the circus, this was for real. He knew it because the helium balloons he was holding almost carried him way off into the deep blue yonder.  Little Joey had reached his true heaven filled with clowns and joy. Charles Whittaker was an extremely devout satanist. He had eviscerated and eaten 10 humans in the last 10 years. But, he was also a Neonazi fascist, hating Blacks and Jews. Ironically, he was born Robert Berkeshevitzberg, a Jew. Taunting as "kike" and "hymie" as a child, Charles, his "caucasian" name, turned to Satan. Little Joey laughed and said "Mommie! Mommie! Look!" as he pointed at the clown getting a custard pie thrown in his face. "Popcorn! Get your popcorn! a jolly vendor yelled. "Mommie! Please!" Joey cried as his mom whipped out one of the many bills that would leave her purse today. But it was well worth the joy it gave little Joey. Not to mention the rush Charles received from cracking a skull! He had kept the branded 666 on the back of his neck hidden from the world, even his wife. But, denying his Jewish roots was uncalled for, hence Charles attended the Rabbi-in-a-week religious training program. He was happy. So, Charles Whittaker, the Neo-nazi Satanic Rabbi, wanted a normal John Doe citizen career. He stormed into the channel 666 news station and demanded a job. So, the WKIL news team had themselves a new member. Charles had even covered a few (of his own) "suspect-free" satanic ritual killing stories during his stint with channel 666. But, Charles felt guilty, not for the killing, but for his denial of the Jewish community. Bobby Berkeshevitzberg was going to come back. Bobby Berkeshevitzberg, THE RABBI: Coming soon to a theater that you will be able to see the film in whenever you drive, walk, or ride a bike to the theater and buy a ticket to see the film of the same name. "BOOM!" went the cannon as a clown was jettisoned into the upper vicinity of the circus tent. Joey jumped, spilling some of his innocent popcorn kernels on the unclean floor. All of a sudden one end of the tent crashed. Something was wrong. It was Rick the Savior, he was attacking the circus since he heard it was really a covert drug operation. A huge pole crashed down on the ringmaster paralyzing him instantly. "Frankie the Clown™" was just about to give little Joey an autograph when Rick the Savior bumped into the clown. Frankie fell on little Joey and accidentally stabbed him with the pen. Little Joey gagged as his mom tried to take the pen that was lodged in his throat out. When the blood poured out, it didn't look like little Joey would make it. "Frankie the Clown™" already died of shock due to what he had done. Bobby Berkeshevitzberg (formerly Charles Whittaker) was sent by WKIL to cover the horrific story. Upon his arrival, Bobby saw death, chaos, and a beautifully young (yet bearded) woman in the freak show. Bobby engaged in sexual intercourse with the bearded woman, and died instantly of the horrid disease, G.L.U.B. Rick the Savior ascended to the heavens, and was praised by all. Joey, dead at 11, was burried... the curtain closed. The audience got up to leave. Zak McPherson was in awe, "The Planet" had been an excellent film. Zak wanted to go home, and die, having fulfilled his life's dream. He had never seen a movie that made so much sense, that reflected his life so perfectly, or that had such a powerful message. Zak walked out the main doors of the theater, he had a whole new perspective of the world in which he dwelled. The architecture had new meaning, music had a new message... Zak realized that "The Planet" had utterly changed his life. He was so happy he divorced his wife and left her with the kids and his old '79 Chevy. The joy made him kill his best friend's dog even! How could a movie do so much to a human being? Zak had snapped. From now on he would take no bullshit from anyone, or anything. He went to Fred Finkle's used car lot and bought an '82 Pinto. He went to the local mall and bought some new "gangsta" rap CDs, then he did the unthinkable... He bought a matching pair of Batman and Robin "Underoos". running along in the streets with them on as well as the velcro cape, he laughed as the people cringed. YES, ZAK WAS A RAVING LUNATIC! HE HAD NO IDEA WHAT TO DO NOW! SO, HE WENT TO THE FILMING OF "SESAME STREET" TO TORMENT ALL! First off, he helped "Big Bird" prove that "Snufalupagus" was for real to everyone. Zak kicked "Snufalupagus'" ass and dragged the corpse into the middle of the street. Now they all believed "Big Bird". But, the obnoxious yellow bird had to perish. The cameramen (and women, to be "politically correct") had already been killed, so the show was still on the air! Zak decided that...He would take the cameras and start his own show on PBS. He called the show "How fucking sad all of you really are." and it aired 5-10 times a day. Then he finally got in the ratings! His show was more popular than BLAB™ TV's "Study of Feces" and only lost to "Dr. Gruesome's Movie Morgue". Still he was very pleased; he now knew he was destined to be a star. But, the nightlife of being a big "star" was too much for Zak. His wife, Helga, and daughter Bertha were "sleeping around", and his heroin habit was awful on his stomach. So, Zak got a shotgun, and despite his rich, lavish lifestyle, blew his brains out. Sgt. Babbit, Fred Babbit, was the officer who found the body. Fred was a quiet man, much like a serial killer. Fred went... to Hell. So enter our new character "Fink". Fink was a hell of a man, proud, strong, lazy as shit. He had ruined many people morally and financially during his lifetime. Obviously, he was not your average idiot who joined computer dating services. That's right, Fink was known as "the man" in the computer dating world. He had morally destroyed any woman which he contacted with his "put out or get out" mentality and sexist views. But, Feminazi's across the land had an evil plot to destroy Fink and all of his kind. They died quickly, because all their yelling couldn't stop the strength and asshole attitudes of Fink and his sexist pigs. But a relentless army of numerous Feminazi's, "Riot Grrrls", and women's rights activists were allying together to kill Fink. Fink was scared, very scared. He had feared women all his life and now he was going to get his deserved death for his mental brutalization of all females. Oh wait, that wasn't Fink, it was Julio" and he was already dead so the feminazi's said "Yay! We're free!", and Fink let out quite a chuckle. Fink was the stock broker from Illinois, "Julio" was the sexist bastard BEFORE he became Thermonuclear Digital Phase man. Anyways, Fink was a renown investor, and boy was he loaded; in the case sense and the alcohol, drug, food, sex, rat poison, greedy, shit-soaked undergarments sense. Fink went out to his mailbox one morning and found a note which read: "EET SHIT!" Obviously this was the work of his neighbor, Jed Smithers. Jed was known for being the worst speller on earth. So, Fink decided to end his misery. Jed worked at the Hardware Emporium at the mall. Jethro McNally owned the store, and let Jed work as a janitor in the back from for an illegal, and cheap 0.83¢ an hour. As you should realized, Jed is a moron. Most of the time Jed could afford to fill up his truck with gas to get to work. However, when he couldn't afford it, he'd ride one of the big "coons" that would hang out in his trash at night. His last month's paycheck came to a whopping $7.93 (before taxes). Jed's wardrobe was also odd. You see, Jed is one of the handful of people who actually still have enough guts (or lack of brain capacity) to wear a mid-80s Mötley Crüe T-shirt; and he wore it alrighty... everyday. He had corduroy pants that were so warn out, they didn't even make that "woosh" noise when he walked anymore. His wife Thelma Radley (since they weren't legally married) was a big husky woman who kept her husband in place. When he got home from work, he had to go out in the fields to do some plowin' on the old tractor he loved. He even appropriately named the tractor "Bessie". After he was done, then and only then would she feed him his "chitlins" and "grits". Besides, she was his cousin, so they were very close. And their dog, FYDOW (Jed didn't know that the traditional spelling was "Fido"), was a loony tune. He didn't chase his tail, not even cars, no, Fydow chased trees. Yes, trees, which, as you know, do not move. Fydow has had many a concussion to this day. Fink decided to end this once and for all. Fink installed a "Flex Capacitor™" in his precious "Bessie" late one night. Fink looked into the distance and saw some vague shadow running into a tree. The next day, Jed's wife decided that he should get an early start on the fields. Jed fired up old "Bessie" and was instantly projected into the past. He found himself on his tractor face to face with none other than Adolf Hitler. Jed, being in a constant blank, asked Hitler "Hey do you know where my fields went?" Hitler, infuriated yelled some various profanities and then shot him. The "Flex Capacitor™" was a success! And to think, Jed wasn't even Jewish! Anyways, Fink wanted to quit his job as a stock broker, and become a truck driver. His defeat of Jed had been a success, since Thelma has been calling Jed in for dinner for a month, and Fydow already died due to internal brain hemorrhaging. So, Fink went to the local Speedie Mart and bought some dip, and Marlboro Reds so that he would fit in when he went to the Trucker's Institute. When he applied, however, they told him he needed a high school degree. So Fink went and got into "High Hicks High". The local drunken "rooters" welcomed him instantly. He got into his physics class which seemed to have the majority of "The girls who laugh at anything" while the teacher spoke in a higher vocabulary than any of them could comprehend. But, as always, school sucked and was boring and Fink dropped out. He went home and turned on the news. He grabbed a glass of milk in the kitchen and chuckled when he saw that Jed's picture was on the carton. Then, Fink went to the bathroom, because unlike and other character in a story, Fink had to use the commode. It was great. All of a sudden, Fink looked up realizing there was no toilet paper. Instead, there were 3 seashells. "What the fuck!?" he yelled and a nearby computer said "Fink, you are fined one credit for violation of the verbal moralities code." Then a piece of paper with the fine came out of the computer. Fink had an idea... if he would keep swearing, h would get enough fine papers to wipe his ass shiny clean! So, Fink let fly with an oral barrage assault of curse words, "God damnit you cuntsucker, motherfucker, skankin' imp, damnit piece of shit, bitch, whoremonger, bastard piece of filth from hell! Fuck you!" Fink was now up to his knees in verbal morality fines, or makeshift toiletpaper! Fink wiped his ass clean, and put the rest of the fines in a Hefty Bag™ that just happened to be nearby. Now he had plenty for future use. There was a problem, due to his continuing violations, the computer had summoned the authorities. When they arrive Fink broke out into laughter when he saw their stupid outfits. They were wearing leather crotch pants, black leather bodysuits cut off at the knees, and black fishnet stockings, like those girly Trent Reznor outfits. (This is the part where all the teeny-bopper girls reading this get pissed and try to rip up the story) The authorities tried to arrest Fink, but... this was one cynic who wasn't about to give up. He yelled at them, "You see, that's the corrosion of conformity! I've always been on my own! I'll always do what I want to do!" Then he proceeded to kick the shit ("you are fined 1 credit"..." SHUT UP!) out of them. So, then as they were arresting them this rad "punk guy" came with his official "punk" leather jacket with all the band names and anti-government phrases written on it in white paint, and his body piercings, tattoos, mohawk, FEAR T-shirt, and spiked boots to save Fink! (This is the part where all the "punk guys" reading this get pissed and want to kick our asses.) Fink just said "Fuckitall™, Everyone dies now!" he whipped out a doubled-edged sword and in a matter of seconds there was silence. Police and Punk blood mixing on the ground as it flowed down a drainage pipe. So, Fink decided to get some dinner. "Hi, my name is Jimmy," the waiter called, "What would you like for dinner tonight?" "Well Jimmy, I'll have the Buffet." Fink growled. So, Fink got a plate and started chowing down on some BEEF: it just tastes good! The juices were flowing down his chin. Then, he ordered a cold BEER, and smocked a CRACK ROCK! Then, a bunch of tough guy "straight-edgers" walked out in their Earth Crisis, Youth of Today, and other preachy "sXe" T-shirts and had "GO VEGAN", and "X" on their bodies in big fat permanent marker! They threatened to beat him for killing the earth. (At this point all the uptight sXers want to kill us.) Fink just chuckled and... threw a slab of raw bloody meat at them, and they all ran away crying. They were most likely organizing a "Go Vegan" sXe rally. Fink laughed and swallowed some more beef acting like the true animal he had inside of him. Then he yelled to the waiter, "Jimmy, bring me offspring of the cow I just ate, on a big plate!" Fink feasted, then went to the nearest mall to make fun of the Rent-A-Cops. On his way, Fink passed a car with a "Honk if you love jESUS" sticker. So, Fink pulled up beside them, and politely told them what bodily extension their lord could "suck", and drove away. (Now, all the christians want us to get psychiatric help, because killing would be against the "good book's" words). After he drove of yelling "EyeHateGod!", Fink went home. He got to the apartment complex and rammed a car that was in his space out of the way. Fink went up the elevator, but before he left, he hit the emergency button just to be an asshole and jam it. When he got to his apartment, to his surprise he found... a mutilated cow carcass on the floor. Fink just shrugged it off and stepped over it on the way to the fridge. He grabbed a Weight Watchers Fat Free Chocolate Shake and drank up. But, Fink suddenly felt nauseous. He had forgotten that he had defecated in the same cup the previous day, because his toilet was stopped up! Besides all this havoc, he heard about the terrorist bombing in Oklahoma. Sad as it was, he was delighted to see something other than O.J. on the television screen. He decided to take this into his own hands and find the vermin that committed this horrific act. On his way to do this however, Fink ran into a curb and stubbed his toe. It hurt really bad. Fink held in the tears and decided, "Damnit! Fuck this, I'm angry and full of middle-aged angst! I want to kill people myself!" So, Fink started another random killing spree. So he started an organization called HavoK. However, none of the applicants survive the "three admittance trials". The first was reciting all states in the country along with their capitals. Second, they had to win 5 out of 6 games in "Battleship™". Finally, they had to survive a gunshot to the head. So, Fink decided to first choose a theme song for his conquests of death. Since his name was Fink, he chose that badass old Misfits song "Rat Fink", and it would be played by a huge 80s looking black guy with a huge "boombox" and leather breakdancing clothes! After topping the Billboard Charts, Fink got to perform at the MTV music awards. After his band stopped playing and kicking the shit out of the announcers he made an announcement. "MTV!", he cried, "Get rid of the fucking shitcom's, the dumbass dancing scantily clad asshole shows, and all the other bullshit you put on! Put on some real fucking music! Nor more of these Janet Jackson hour-long specials! No more tributes to the pathetic Kurt Cobain! Just play some good fucking music for once in your shitty lives!" But then he woke up. He had not actually been in the Misfits, what the hell was he thinking? So, he started a real band with some psycho guy named Eb, it was actually "Ed", but he suffered from dyslexia and his "d's" looked like "b's". So, the band, consisting of Eb on vocals and guitar, Fink on bass and "gang shouting background vocals", and the big huge black breakdancing guy on drums. They release their first single "Fuck you, and eat a bowl of shit, you cocksucking bastard!" and it exploded from there... After topping the Billboard Charts, Fink got to perform at the MTV music awards. After his band stopped playing and kicking the shit out of the announcers he made an announcement. "MTV!", he cried, "Get rid of the fucking shitcom's, the dumbass dancing scantily clad asshole shows, and all the other bullshit you put on! Put on some real fucking music! Nor more of these Janet Jackson hour-long specials! No more tributes to the pathetic Kurt Cobain! Just play some good fucking music for once in your shitty lives!" But then he woke up. He had not actually been in a band, what the hell was he thinking? So, he started a real band with some psycho guy named Eb, it was actually "Ed", but... "Wait!", Fink screamed as he realized he was trapped in some sort of repeating-vortex. "This must end, this must end, this must.... STOP!" But then he woke up. He had not actually been in a repeating vortex, what the hell was he thinking? This wasn't the movies! Fink was famished, he hadn't eaten in hours, 2 to be exact. So he went on down to Abdul's IGA to buy some rations. He browsed the aisles until he hit the cereal section. Fink snatched an economy sized box of "Super Golden Crip™" and jumped for joy. Immediately, Fink began to sing his rendition of the Super Golden Crisp theme song. (You know, "I can't get enough SGC, its got the crunch with a punch!") Fink began singing quite loudly, and Abdul was not pleased. Abdul responded immediately to the "Customer service lane 9, Customer service lane 9" call. But, when he saw that it was Fink he just chuckled; they were old buddies. (At this time I inform you that my writing colleague is out of town due to extraneous circumstances, thus the handwriting will not change until he returns.) Abdul joined in the Super Golden Crisp chorus with Fink, as a matter of fact. After a few minutes, they stopped to chat. Fink was shocked to learn that Abdul was moving back to Budapest to start his own shrunken-head voodoo cult. Fink just shrugged it off and went to the express lane to buy his cereal and go home. But, it wasn't that simple, because Shaquanda Ashakili Johnson and her children were in front of Fink in line, with a cartfull of groceries. When Fink attempted to politely remind Shaquanda that the express lane was 10 items or less, she proceeded to put a hand in his face and gyrate her head. Oddly enough, she looked like she was hoola-hooping, but with no hoola-hoop. Fink had never hit a woman so hard in his life. Sadly enough, Rashaad Johnson, her husband, was behind Fink at the time, he had just run back to grab some paprika. Fink had never regretted hitting a woman so much in his life. After Rashaad was finished, Fink couldn't eat cereal for weeks. (MORAL: don't hit girls or something). Rashaad went out to the car. He reached in the glove box just as a chubby, red-faced security guard stopped him. The security guard carefully reached beside him, and unholstered his sleek, black, shiny... walkie-talkie. He called for backup. Rashaad was receiving a taste of oppression from the white man. The security crew asked Rashaad to give them the gun which they knew he had in the glove compartment. Rashaad opened the glovebox, and there was nothing more than a nickel, they had come up 3¢ short at the register. The flabbergasted security guards strolled away mumbling racial slurs. Rashaad was fed up. He'd had enough oppression, it was time for the white man to pay, but he would need help. He went & his friend Chaka's underground music shop, Funkdoobylicious Records. Chaka, a long time hater of the white man, was in. The two decided to go where they would easily be unjustly discriminated by race; the local Country Club. They went in through the bac, because not only was this secretive, but the only African-Americans employed there would be janitors; cleaning up in the back for an unfair, racist, white honkey-boss at minimum wage. Sure enough, they recruited "Sanitary Staff" members Chester, Lionel, and Willy. They all continued to the buffet table, singing the theme song from "Shaft". The first yuppie to approach them was Allen D. Whitehead, club manager. After being taunted by the calls of "honkey", "cracker", etc. he was angry. Allen used the lord's name in vain, several times. Rashaad, a devout christian, told Allen that jesus was a black man. Many whiteboys died that day, and no one has seen Rashaad or the others since... the picture faded. Rodney stood up and stretched, he never did like America's Most wanted, what a stupid show. Hell, he was glad those black guys hadn't been caught anyway; it was funny as hell. Rodney stepped out beneath him. He decided to check it out (just like in the horror movies). What he found, was in fact, devastating. It was an "ACME Creaking Noise Machine". Rodney toyed with the contraption for hours, not knowing where it had come from. Then, after hours of wholesome fun, Rodney went inside to get some shuteye. But, upon laying down, Rodney heard the voice of Satan come from his closet. Rodney bounded over to the door and found nothing more than an "ACME Satanic Nonsense Voice Box". Silly, but amusing all the same. Rodney was too confused to worry. After a few short hours, Rodney was awakened by a barking dog outside. Rodney walked outside wearing nothing more than his skivvies. He noticed an ACME doghouse against the fence in his yard. The barking was louder now, but when Rodney found nothing more than an "ACME dog-bark voice box" in the doghouse, he was utterly confused. Rodney picked up his yellow pages phone book, but the phone number for ACME wasn't there; now Rodney knew why 9 out of 10 people use the Bell Atlantic yellow pages, because his Bell Pacific one SUCKED! Rodney was angry, so he had no other choice... he got into his beat-up old Plymouth Reliant and went to McDonald's to ask them if their Canadian Bacon is actually imported from Canada, or if it was just a misleading lie. After a hearty argument, Rodney felt much better. Rodney needed to get away, free his mind, clear his head. So, he decided to go to the hometown flea market and shop a little bit. What he found was incredible... an authentic white polyester disco suit like the one John Travolta wore in "Saturday Night Fever". Rodney had an instant reaction to throw the money at the vendor, snag the disco suit and head on home to boogie down. On his way home, Rodney had a severely mind-altering revelation... he wanted his own talk show, on TV, of course. So, he called the cable access channel, and set up a time for the Rod Stevens Show, hosted by Rod McAllister (Rodney wasn't too bright, and forgot to use his incognito alias as the host, as well as in the title). Oddly enough, the fact that Rod (in his perverse, male chauvinistic ways) had live porno-movie actors/actresses "do their thing" on stage in his first show, he he was cancelled, and severely beaten by local anti-sexists groups. Rod was a failure. He went home, turned on the stove, and stuck his head in. A few days later, Rodney woke up, failed again, he had mistakenly placed his head in the drying machine in the laundry room, rather than the oven. The blow he suffered to the head had given him a mild case of amnesia. Now convinced that he was a man named Geezus H. Kryste, he turned over a new leaf. The leaf had fallen off the maple tree out front, and once he turned it over, he saw that yes, in fact, it was a leaf. Geezus went to the local Barber shop to get trim. When greeted with the calls of, "Hey, Rodney!", "Rodney!", "Rodmeister!", "Rodman!", "Look, it's Rodney!", and "Shit, here comes Rodney!", he yelled, "Hypocrites! My name is Geezus H. Kryste!" The customers, dazzled in disbelief, had no way of knowing that Rodney had knocked his head inside of the dryer in a suicide attempt which resulted in a 3-day concussion and what now evolved into a SEVERE case of amnesia, and woke up to "The Bible Network" on TV and convinced himself that his name was Geezus H. Kryste. Suddenly, Geezus snapped into convulsions. He stood up, reciting lines from "The Ducks of Hazard". Now, speaking in a twangy redneck tone, thinking his name was Cletus. Cletus went to a local used card dealership to get a car that he could paint the rebel flag on. He had trouble finding the place until he saw the sign that read: "A Local Used Car Dealership". "Blasphemy!" he yelled because he misread the sign and thought it said "A Local Used Dealership". So he drove past it, not noticing the exact same Dukes of Hazard car in the lot. So he decided he needed a vacation. He decided to go camping in the xyglophobianatsú mountains. As he walked and walked, he came across a cabin. He knocked on the door. "Hello? Who the hell is it?" a familiar voice asked. "Hi, I'm Cletus and... HEY! You're 'BO' from the Dukes of Hazard!" He couldn't believe the luck he had just run into. "Hey, where's Luke?", Cletus asked. "Luke? Oh, he's a government assassin now for Zimbabwe. I wasn't that lucky, so I became a hermit." Then Cletus beat the shit out of "BO" and took his Dukes of Hazard car. Now cruisin' down highway 666, Cletus was ready to raise hell forever! After running over a few rabbits, Clevis decided it was time for bigger things: People! Young Fred Winkerbein was helping an old lady across the street. Clevis saw his chance... and realized that he had been called "Clevis rather than "Cletus"! Nonetheless, Cletus swerved and took out Winkerbein and the old bag; they screamed in pain. Cletus laughed, and popped in his "Relaxing Water Sounds" cassette. After a few minutes, the swooshing water sounds made him need to urinate. So he backed up and pissed on the two he had just hit. After realizing that he was done, he tied the two barely alive bodies to a chain that was attached to the car's bumper. He drove down the road with the bodies dangling behind. An idiot saw them drive by and said, "Aww, look they must have just gotten married!" After a few hundred miles, Cletus stopped at the Podunk Service Station. He filled up the car's gas tank, and then threw a match as he drove away. The explosion was insanely relaxing to Cletus, a closet pyromaniac. He looked in the rearview mirror and noticed there was barely anything left of the two corpses. Then a light from heaven came down and God appeared before Cletus' car. "You have committed a sin!" God yelled. Then Cletus ran God over and rebutted, "No, NOW I have committed a sin!" So he then tied God to the back of his car and went driving into the sunset. The citizens of Podunk rejoiced. "Our oppression has ended! God is perished!" They were now free... (as were ALL people) to kill, hate their neighbors, dishonor their parents, etc... The world was freed of the senseless mind control tactics of religion. Cletus smirked and then... Finally, all hell had truly broken loose! Clevis had achieved his goal in life, there was nothing more for him to accomplish. So, he got in his car and pulled a "Thelma and Louise™" right off of the Grand Canyon. He was forever remembered as, "The Guy Who Killed God". Therefore, the Cletus, Clevis confusion is of little importance. The corpse of god decayed along with the remains of the Dukes' car and Cletus. This brings to mind a man named Arthur Phlegmbolgn. Arthur was an ideal man, who loved to cliff dive, however, his idea of cliff diving was leaping from the three steps on his front porch down to the sidewalk. His days were numbered, sine he had destroyed many vital organs just by jumping off the steps. He left one leg at a hotel he dived from. Arthur Phlegmbolgn decided if he was going to keep jumping, he would take someone with him (comma), Kamikaze Style (period) . So, Arthur took a hostage, young Thomas Wong (Arthur was anti-oriental for some reason) and threaten to jump a hellacious 5 steps to the ground! It was too late, Phlegmbolgn and Won plunged to their fate. The local crows had a feast on their bodies which roasted on the hot pavement. Wong woke up. His fiendish nightmare had left him in a cold sweat. He had a great fear of heights, all those more than 2 feet that is. He went down stairs and made some tea, with his secret herbs, to calm himself. Then after he chugged it down, he broke out the wok with the special chopsticks from the Wok With Yan show. He was ready to "Wok and Roll" as Yan would say. He fixed up the Wok and cooked up a steaming hot Pu-Pu Platter for himself. After a midnight snack, Wong would meditate and practice his Tae-Kwon-Do. He remembered the good old days, when he could have easily kicked Chuck Norris' ass. However, those days are gone. Still, he knew he had a purpose. He stumbled upon a radioactive canister, and accidentally stepped in the green ooze that leaked from it. He felt dizzy, then he fainted. When he woke up, he was horrified to see he was a rat! He looked at the canister and 4 turtles and 1 used toothbrush were floating in the green ooze! Wong focused his eyes and realized that the extra green peppers from the Pu-Pu platter were spilt on the floor, obviously the rat/turtle facade was a hallucination. Wong needed to clear his head... He realized that one of the "Bastard Co-Writers™" was trying to change the story again. He felt the only way to stop this madness was to kill the writers. When he saw the old lady taking the staple-gun for a walk, he knew he was hallucinating big-time. So he took the loaf of French bread a(nd) waved it over his head like a menacing weapon. The bread bashed him in the face, painlessly of course. Wong fell to the tile floor. The red wagon rolled into the kitchen, and the talking red chicken got out. Then the Superfly Discofunk Kingpin strutted in with an orange 9mm pistol in hand! Won was dazzled. Then Ricki Lake stole all his food, including the bread and the talking red chicken. When the phone patrol guy finally arrived he said, "Tu Tiene Muchas problemas porque tú no comprendas Español".  He was obviously speaking Russian, which Wong didn't understand. Thomas Wong originated in the town of "Loco en la Cabeza, Madrid" so he didn't understand a thing the phone patrol guy said. Then, some hippie guy in a faded Van Morrison T-shirt came in with some acid-laced joints and "shrooms" galore. The whole room was now euphoric. But, alas, then Officer McGruff the police dog came in for the bust... But was easily distracted when he saw the "Hamburglar™" run out the door. So Raiden came out of nowhere and a little bohemian cried, "Uh Oh! Looks like Big Trouble in Little China!" The crowd of marbles ran faster than grass. The news team chopper #6 couldn't keep up with them to catch the dramatic emmy-footage. So when the chicken crossed the road, he went to Dairy Queen but they were out of Orange Sherbet Flavor. The cat's furball was so large, that the diameter was equivalent to ¾pi x² - 3sin (tan¹ pi/2)(10 x x²) + f¹(x) - infinity / 0.9 of the Earth's radius. (Boy my Calculus just came in handy for once.) Wong noticed that gnoW is Wong backwards!! However, gnoW was not related to "GYEAH", his familiar term that his dad used to yell. Wong just kept running. He bumped into a mathematician working out an equation on the board. When he hit the math-man, the chalk made a strange symbol. The equation read: "Y = MX + "
"My God!", the math man yelled, "You just helped me discover the formula to destroy gravity!" The math man ran off cackling insanely. Wong ran smack-dab into a Styrofoam wall, used for stunts in movies. Wong was last and scared, and hadn't practiced Tai-Chi in days. His dojo senseí would kill him! He ran to the local movie store and rented "The Karate Kid" for motivational support. Wong, while practicing the Crane-Crap, fell on a rock. He picked up the rock and found a note under it that read:

What could it possibly be!? He threw it out figuring it was a cafeteria menu. Wong's body has very sore. He realized that while practicing his Kung-Fu mastery, he had developed the weight loss machine of the future. He called it, "The IT". "The IT" looked like this:

"The IT" was remarkably fit because...of its portability. This contraption could easily fit into the zipper pocket in his Keds Shoes. However, he lost the vital ball of lint and "the IT" was rendered useless by the A.D.A. Wong thought if he could somehow kill the head of the A.D.A. and become the new head of the A.D.A., he could approve "the IT" and become rich! He only had to... Find the president of the A.D.A.... HE DID. He whipped out his porta-dental-floss packet (non-waxed, mint flavor). Then he ripped a big piece off and strangled the A.D.A. guy with it. "I am eternal!" yelled Wong with the glee of victory on his face. Wong then proceeded to get that nasty, gingivitis-causing tartar/plaque buildup off of his teeth with the floss. He did. "I am cleanly!" yelled Won with the glee of joy on his face. Then, being the lazy bastard that he was, he had to think of what to do next. He did. He realized that "The IT" could also double as a deadly weapon! Now, Wong keenly devised a plan to... double it as a deadly weapon! Now, Wong keenly devised a plan to... double it as a deadly weapon! Now, Wong keenly devised a plan to... keenly develop a plan! Yes! Wong would develop a plan! Wong deterred himself from the oh-so-prevalent murdering spree, and thought instead that he would return to his China homeland to kill the high-priest-ninja master... Fumanchu! Fumanchu, being wise in the ways of the past, already knew of Wong's assassination plot. So, Wong changed his name so he wouldn't be bothered by Fumanchu's "Toe Clan". His new name was, "Jim, a tourist in China". It had to work! Jim, a tourist in China, went to the China Center for Stupid American Tourists to get a map and a set of chopsticks. The CCSAT gave Jim, a tourist in China, a map, luckily for Jim, a tourist in China, the map had a huge depiction of "Fumanchu's Lair"! So Jim, a tourist in China, went to the Lair and saw a big guard. The big guard said, "Hi, I'm a big guard, what do you want?" Jim, a tourist in China replied, "Hi there! I'm Jim, a tourist in China, and I want the in depth tour." Then Jim, a tourist in China, threw a "dragon bag™" of magic herbs and spices into the guards eyes. The big guard's eyes watered. Then Jim, a tourist in China, removed the guards eyes and (using the magic herbs & spices) cooked a killer soup out of them. (Due to physics-class BULLSHIT we have to stop and watch a fucking video now, or lose 5 points from our grades!) A new day has begun, and the ingenious writers go back to work. So Jim, a tourist in China, scarfed down the eyeball soup and one of the eyeballs got lodged in his throat. His eyes began to water, he couldn't breathe, he was choking! Too bad the big guard he just killed was the only one who knew the heimlech(sp) maneuver. So, failing his country and his ambition, he fell dead inside the Lair. However, a fair young maiden gallantly strolled up to Jim, a tourist in China. The fair young maiden, Tinkeretabella, a fair young maiden tourist in China, fell in love with Jim. Tinkeretabella, a fair maiden tourist in China, decided to become the heroine and kill Fumanchu! Only one problem... She forgot her Nike air shoes that would make her jump, run, dance, etc. better like they do on the commercials. So she ran barefoot to seek out the man whose temple killed her lover Jim, a tourist in China. But on the way Tinkeretabella, a fair maiden tourist in China, killed herself because her name was far too long! The task failed... So, you the reader, must see the relationship between Jim, a tourist in China, and Tinkeretabella, a fair young maiden tourist in China and the tragedy of Romeo and Juliet. Back in Bohemusville, U.S.A., Quershi Evans was sculpting with some yarn he purchased at a yard sale. Just then he had an idea... He could take the yarn, and sculpt a giant noose around the earth, destroying the world. This would take years, however, and possibly take longer than Quershi had left. So, Quershi threw the noose idea out the door. He would now have to... Build something very big. First, however, he needed some funds before he could build anything. He started collecting cola cans so that he could recycle them. He went down many roads picking up all the cans he had previously thrown out his car. He was about to pick up a can, but a local Boy Scout got to it first. Quershi got pissed so he... snapped. He grabbed the frail Boy Scout by the face and strangled him with his handkerchief. Quershi was finally fed up with life, people, and everything else. He couldn't take it anymore, he was sick of living in a world full of assholes, being betrayed by "friends", being stepped on by the opposition. Quershi was taking a stand! He started with his mom, Zelda, who told him how far he'd get in life if he worked hard. Quershi took Zelda out to the river for a friendly "mother and son talk". He bashed her head in with an oar and threw her in the river. This was no ordinary river, it was the Amazon. Home of the Piranha, which immediately devoured her as the water turned red. Quershi, now raging all over the place, went to the DMV and reported a fake accident of the driver Rob Jenkins. Rob was Quershi's arch nemesis, and Quershi needed to find out where the conniving, lying, no good bastard lived. The idiot at DMV told him just that! Rob was working for DMV in the room across the hall! What luck! "It's been a long time... Bastard." Quershi sneered. "I'll call security on you, you asshole!" Rob replied. "Do you think security can get here before I snap your neck?" Quershi laughed. Rob Jenkins, DMV employee, never made it to the phone. Neither did anyone, for that matter; Quershi killed them all. (We won't go into any gory details). Next, Quershi went to Bohemusville Baptist Church, where the minister had told him, "Quershi, prayer to the lord in a time of need can help you." What bullshit! Quershi had realized long ago that religion was a crock-of-lard, and life was SHIT! No matter what; and now another fucking liar needed to pay. "Bless me father, for I have sinned," Quershi plead. "Confess your sins my child," the minister said. "I killed a church minister!" Quershi laughed. He picked up the minister, shoved communion wafers in his mouth then drowned him by holding his head under the holy water. "Amen!" Quershi yelled as he pour gasoline all around the church. "Just kidding!" He then lit the match, laughing at his mockery. The church burned. Now, Quershi went to Bohemusville High School, where he had met all of the fake, piece-of-shit people who later fucked with his head and betrayed him; and all of the full-of-shit teachers had told him, "You need an education to be something in life." Bullshit! Quershi had learned that you need a fucking miracle to be ANYTHING in life. Quershi found his old History teacher, Mrs. Venkelstein. He remembered how she would smack his hands with her yard stick. So Quershi took the same yard stick with his old blood stains still on it and took a mighty swing. Her hands were severed instantly. Then... He locked her under the floor-boards in the storage area. He went to the school psychologist who always said, "Talk about your problems. Let people know what's bothering you!" Bullshit! Quershi would fix that. Quershi grabbed his skull and applied so much pressure, the psychologist had to open his mouth. When he screamed, Quershi ripped out his tongue. "Well sine you've given me so much advice," Quershi said, "I thought I'd give you some! Find someone who knows how to sew!" as he handed the tongue to the psychologist. Now, Quershi went to the principal's office, where "Dr." Meyers had told him, "I'm your pal, that's why it's princi-pal!" Bullshit! Quershi wasn't blind, and he knew that "Dr." Meyers was giving him "bad touches" as a child, now he would pay! He was NO pal to Quershi! Quershi asked the good doctor for a hall pass. Meyer's opened a drawer to pull out a pass, but Quershi kicked the drawer slamming it on his hand. Quershi laughed, "Why don't you princi-pull your hand out of the drawer!" Then he took the stapler to the good doctor's eyes. The doctor's screams echoed down the hallway and the janitor, Phil, started to get suspicious, however, Phil was next. Phil had always told Quershi, "Ey boy! Whatcho gon' do wit dat der money ya gots der? Ey boy! Gimme dat dere money fo I kik yo head in!" Bullshit! Quershi had starved for months thanks to Phil! After paddling Meyers to death, Quershi ran down the hall. Phil slipped on the wet floor and cracked his head open when Quershi ran into him. Quershi laughed and  said in that gruff "Janitor Jive" tone, "Ey boy! Cantcha read dat der signuh? It say wet flo!" Quershi laughed, then... he said, "Ey boy! time to re-mop dem flows!" Then Quershi shoved the mop in Phil's mouth. Phil suffocated as Quershi laughed, "You done good boy, real good." Now Quershi felt the need to take his uncontrolled hate to the public. He stole a TV camera from channel 32.5, and took a hostage, little Pete Mcradley, to run the film footage of Quershi's LIVE KILLING SPREE! Quershi picked up the video camera. A small "snap" was heard. "Damnit! I broke a nail!" Quershi yelped. He looked at his finger and cried... Quershi was in touch with his feminine side. Now, Quershi... had finally realized what he had been doing was wrong. He let McRadley go, after he gave him a big hug. Quershi decided it was time for a new start and a new job. Quershi got a job selling "Mary Kay Cosmetics™" But, after a quick success, Quershi accepted a much higher paying position from AVON. But, Quershi wasn't a woman! So, he could never ring a doorbell and say, "AVON lady!" So, Quershi decided to dress as a drag queen for the job. He was a hit, instantly. Needless to say... He realized it was time to go into business for himself. He started his own company called "Make-up and Other Stuff". He hired a few people who were previously selling insurance and insisted that they all wore THE UNIFORM! The uniform was composed of... Many numerous stylized articles of clothing. You, see, The Uniform was not just any queer, schoolboy/girl plaid pants, white shirt uniform! 
No, The Uniform was:

Quershi was now in business! Surprisingly, the company... had Some of the male employees, in fact all of them, refuse to wear the uniform. So they were fired and replaced with kids that Quershi adopted. Quershi once went to a Sorority house, this was sure to be a success! "Oh my Gawd! It's like an Avon lady or something!" yelled one of the many excited cloned valley girls. "No mam," replied Quershi, "I'm from 'Make-up and other Stuff'! I think you will all love what I have to offer. For example, this BJXL-5002 Hairdryer is the same one that Brenda from 90210  used!" He was practically trampled by all of the excited girls waving their parent's hard-earned money in his face. He asked, "So, how much would you pay for this!?" One spoiled piece of shit ran to the phone and called Western Union to have "mumsy" (mother) send her $1,000,000... FAST! Just like on the commercials. Another girl fainted away. The others clawed, scratched, pulled hair, and plain out brawled over the hairdryer! "Well, I have two of these babies left! They'll go to the highest bidder! One girl offered to fuck him, but was instantly beaten shitless by the other girls. Western Union arrive and the one girl with the cool million purchased one of the dryers. She walked away laughing, but slipped on some of the beer spilt on the floor of the sorority house. The hairdryer smashed instantly and the girl had a hissy-fit. Meanwhile, all the other girls... were tired from beating the piss out of that disgusting slut, who had no self-respect (or any teeth left for that matter). Quershi took the cash and decided to fly out to Maine. On his way to the airport, Quershi flicked off and swore at Old Man Wilkerspoon. Old Man Wilkerspoon was your normal cynical 72 year old fellow. Legally named Reginald, Old man Wilkerspoon was hated, by all of the children in Coercin county, because... he gave them fish-flavored candy on Halloween. He was a funny old man and he knew how to piss kids off. The old man closed the storybook entitled "The Planet" as his grandson smiled as they were nestled up in the old chair near the warm fireplace. Just then he pulled out that shiny golden wrapper which contained a "Werther's Original™" candy. He thought back to when his grandpa had given him the same as a child. "Now I'm the grandfather, and what more could I want? Isn't that right little Timmy? Heh, heh," chuckled Old Man Wilkerspoon. The little boy delicately unwrapped the candy as a tear rolled down his chubby little red cheek. What a Kodak moment.

THE END!

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