Stories For The Bored
 

It's Baseball And You're An American™

Once upon a time in a land called Globindanzul™, a lad named Regor decided to take it upon himself to build the worlds first Bark Sculpture. He thought to himself, "Damnit, nobody has ever sculpted anything with bark. It's high time I do something about it!" So, Regor thought to himself, "What the hell can I sculpt?" and just then a small rodent bit him on his big toe! "Yeeouch! I've got it! I will make a sculpture of Niagara Falls!" How the rodent biting Regor on the toe made him think of Niagara Falls nobody will ever know, but we have to humor Regor, he was a weird guy.

So, he took a big piece of bark off of a tree that had been alive for millions of years standing tall and proud. As soon as he ripped it off, the tree fell over, killing Old Man Witherspoon. He took out his knife that was actually larger than Regor himself, and started his widdle work. 1 minute later, his masterpiece was complete. "Ahhh, here it is! Niagara Falls!" He actually didn't widdle a damned thing. All Regor did was put the piece of bark in the middle of a little stream and dug in the muddy water a bit to make it look like some pathetic abstract version of Niagara Falls. Still, he received world-wide recognition for his "hard work". In fact, he won the Pulitzer Prize for it even though he didn't actually write anything. He was also in the running for the Nobel Prize that year, but he lost in the end to some moron who came up with some totally useless idea such as the telephone or computer or something along those lines. Regor soon became discouraged and decided it was time for another change.

He picked up a flower and started picking off the petals one by one..."She loves me, She loves snot, She loves me, She loves snot..." In the end, it turned out that "she" (whoever the hell she was) loved snot instead, and that is another story in itself that can be purchased at B.Dalton Bookstores Inc. for $12.99 plus tax. Little did Regor know, he was holding onto what was the LAST of a rare flower called "The YourDeadLillyWalla". As luck would have it, this was an EXTREMELY poisonous flower which induces mass vomiting, ulcers and eventually death. However, Regor picked the LAST of these flowers, so in a way, he was a hero because these flowers would never kill anyone ever again. Well, except for Regor, but nobody really cared about him since he never existed and this whole story is fake anyway.

The End.

Back To Main