The Pair Of Socks That Almost Conquered The World

Louis Marlathowitz was way behind in his classes, he was a chemistry major at a local college (I think it was ECPI). Anyway, he was always trying to do far too many things at once. If he could, he would sleep while he was awake. Today was no exception, he was working on a chemistry experiment and doing his laundry at the same time and making macaroni & cheese (with the powered cheese) all at the same time. He had been heating a substance that he believed would eventually be the cure for AIDS, however, being dyslexic, Louis forgot that the substance was highly unstable and had violent reactions to heat. He ran out of the room and came back with some of his laundry which he placed on the counter next to the chemistry experiment. So, the counter was filled with macaroni, laundry, and dangerous chemicals. Just as he was ripping open the packet of powered cheese to add to the macaroni, his chemistry experiment exploded. Louis jumped in fear and the powdered cheese got all over his laundry, especially his favorite pair of blue socks. The chemicals also landed on the socks as well as Louis. He ran out of the room crying because the hot chemicals burned his arm. Still, he ran asking for an eyewash because, yes, he was dyslexic. He returned an hour later after someone had shown him that his eyes weren’t harmed and that his arm was not burned that badly. So he came back to the explosion site and noticed that not only was the room a mess, but his socks were missing! He was infuriated, because these are the socks that his great grandma Helga had knitted for him. He didn’t know what to do, so he decided to go get a blood test for no reason whatsoever. He found out that he did not have aids, “Eureka! I’ve done it! I found the cure for AIDS!” he shouted. Of course, this was untrue, because he didn’t have aids to begin with. So Louis packed all of his bags and headed for Alaska, because some of his friends jokingly told him that there was an outbreak of AIDS up there. He never even bothered to look for his socks which he loved so dearly. Louis was never seen again, but a local authority said he was spotted boarding a plane that was going to the Amazon. If you have seen Louis Marlathowitz, please call the police immediately so he can be shot accordingly.

Louis is out of the picture now, so where do we go from here? Ah yes, the pair of socks! As it turns out, the mixture of the strange chemical Louis was making and the powdered cheese made the socks come to life. Not only was the pair of socks alive and fully capable of speaking 27 different languages, including “New York slang,” but it was stronger than an ox. For some strange reason, the socks hated the entire human race and felt it should be exterminated. I really can’t understand why though, I mean us human’s are the most kind hearted, caring, and loving things in the world! We aren’t even capable of hatred, or lying, or stealing, etc! Sorry, I got sidetracked, back to the story. So the socks had devised a plan to kill off the entire human race. Now, normally a pair of socks trying to conquer the human race wouldn’t sound like much of a threat. However, the socks were intelligent enough to creative some more of the formula that originally brought them to life. So the sinister socks would go around carrying jugs, yes they grew arms too, of the formula and they poured it on any article of clothing they could find. Almost instantly the clothes would come to life and follow their sock leaders. A day later, the socks had built an entire army of clothes prepared for battle against the human race. People all over the town of Maheelicksville didn’t even know what was going on, except that many articles of clothing were strangely disappearing. Little did they know, they were about to face the most extreme test of strength and intelligence of their lives.

Francis P. Larson, a local sewing machine repair lady, was the first to discover this horror. There was a pair shorts that she hadn’t seen before that mysteriously appeared on a nearby table. All of a sudden they jumped up and attacked her. Luckily, Francis was an ex-log throwing champion, so she was able to handle the shorts. She ran them through a sewing machine and the shorts squirmed as they were pierced with the sewing needle time and time again. Francis sewed the word “Dead” into the shorts with her machine. Francis knew something was wrong, and she could have sworn she saw a pair of socks squirm out the front door of her sewing machine repairs establishment. So she did the only thing a log-throwing person of her intelligence could, she ran out the door to find the mayor of Maheelicksville. The mayor was in the middle of a game of jacks when Francis burst in his front door.

“What’s the meaning of this?!?” he shouted in angry confusion. “Sorry to bother you sir, but there is something of vital importance that I need to talk to you about. The future of Maheelicksville, and possibly the whole world is at stake! You see sir, I think clothes are coming to life to attack us! I was just attacked by a pair of shorts and luckily killed it in one of the sewing machines I recently fixed. I also could have sworn I saw a pair of socks scramble out my front door!” The mayor looked directly into Francis’ eyes to check if she had been drinking some of the Ol’ Grandma’s Tonic. After all, the only reason Francis was a retired log-thrower is because she had an alcohol abuse problem and during one of her stupors she accidentally through a log onto a newborn child. The mayor chuckled, “heheheh, ok I’ll look into it Francis, you just go home and get some rest and take a nice cold shower while you are at it.” Francis stormed out of the room and yelled back at him, “Fine, just wait and see! They’re going to get you! Don’t be surprised if you get killed by your socks or even a lint-remover for all I know!” She did go home though and she got drunk of course. When she woke up in front of her TV there was a news story on. “Mayor Josephino has killed himself today! He was found hung in his office with his own socks!” Francis sadly laughed, “I told you...you just wouldn’t listen would you?” Just then her closet burst open and all of her clothes came dashing out and piled on top of her. She was still quite drunk and couldn’t fight them off, she soon suffocated underneath all of the clothes. Now it was her turn to be on the news, along with many many other inhabitants of Maheelicksville.

John P. Stenkenloft was returning from a trip to Yugoslavia and he noticed it was very quiet in Maheelicksville. Which was odd, because it was the day of their annual “Staple gun Shoot-out” in which contestants would show off their skills with staple guns. Last years champion made a staple bounce off a tin can, skim across a pool of water, and still hit the bullseye of a target. Afterwards, the whole town would celebrate in a giant weenie roast and dance to polka music all night long. But the entire town seemed deserted. “Hello?” John yelled, but there was no answer. Something was very wrong and he knew it. He went home right away and when he got inside the house, he noticed soap suds all over the floor. He ran upstairs since that’s where the mess had evidently originated from. He realized it was coming from the washing machine. He opened it up to see what was causing it to overflow. “NOOOOOOO!” he yelled, for his mother was stuffed inside the washer totally lifeless. All John could do, was run, and that’s exactly what he did. He ran as fast and as far as he could. He knew he had to do something about this, He noticed that everyone in the town was dead. He even thought he saw a person with a jacket hanging out of their mouths as if they had been suffocated. He had to leave town and report this and find out if this had happened elsewhere.

Soon after he left the town he arrived at Fort Fortloft, the U.S. Marine’s main base. He told them of this problem and they laughed and thought he was crazy. Still, they went along with his story and sent some soldiers out. The soldier’s went there and just as they were reporting back to the base to tell them that what John said was true, they were ambushed by hundreds of clothes. Back at Fort Fortloft they received a transmission from the last soldier in his dying breath. “The clothes are everywhere! They’ve killed everyone! And try now Triscuits, now with 30% less fat!” The commander at Fort Fortloft grumbled, “It’s obvious what he was trying to tell us. He is telling us how everyone in your town is dead and he even through in a subliminal product advertisement in there.” John nodded and was sold on the subliminal Triscuit advertisement and left the base to go buy some. The commander wasn’t about to go grocery shopping however, he had put together a task force consisting of 5,000 soldier’s. In a snap of two fingers and a game of jacks, the force was flying over Maheelicksville. They let loose ALL of their ammunition. There was nothing left in the town except burning splinters of wood and rubble. “Mission Accomplished” the commander grinned. So the President went on national TV and explained the situation about Maheelicksville, totally covering up the fact that it was taken over by clothes. The reason for this is if foreign nations heard that a whole town was taken over by clothes, they would attack and conquer the U.S. in a matter of days. So the President told the public that Maheelicksville experienced a toxic waste spill with high radiation levels and that it needed to be destroyed or the toxins would spread. Everyone was saddened because they felt it was a tragic story that at least deserved a front page spot in the National Inquirer.

Instead, a totally unrelated article appeared on the front page of the Inquirer. It was quite ironic in fact. The article read, “reports from all over the U.S. say that ‘my clothes are attacking me’ and people are mysteriously vanishing!” The people of the U.S. had no clue that this was related to the Maheelicksville incident and instead treated it like another one of the usual fake ‘n sleazy articles that the Inquirer runs to get attention. Week later, everyone in the United States of America was dead. 1 month later, the worlds population consisted of merely clothes. Everyone was dead.

Back To Main