Comic: "The Ultimates 3, #2"
Published by: Marvel Comics
Written by: Jeff Loeb
Artist: Joe Madureira

Reviewer: Max Burbank
Posted: 1/28/2008

Plot: Hawkeye goes after Spidey for no reason. Quicksilver brings his sister/lover Wanda’s assassinated corpse back to the mansion. The Brotherhood of Mutants attacks and a slugfest ensues. Magneto convinces Quicksilver that the Brotherhood stands a better chance of catching his sister's killer than the Ultimates do, and with a super speed assist, the Brotherhood, Quicksilver and The Scarlet Witch’s body escape.

Review: Ugh. What was merely mediocre gets really bad real fast. Here’s the breakdown. Hawkeye went to central park looking for the Black Panther who got punched there last issue, but ends up shooting a passing Spider-Man with a tranquilizer dart instead. Why? Venom’s a Spider-Man villain, so what could be more natural than capturing Spider-Man for information instead of, you know, asking him? I guess we’re reinforcing what passes for character development here, i.e. since Hawkeye’s gone mental over the massacre of his family and now he’s this loose cannon with a death wish, a really fresh idea totally worth doing. Quicksilver tells us that Wanda was killed by a bullet that was specifically seeking her DNA. How does he know this? Well, he wasn’t able to stop the bullet with his super speed, so what other explanation could there possibly be?

To me it looked in the last issue like the bullet pierced Quickies’ hand so silly me, I guessed it was some sort of armor piercing bullet, or that maybe his hand wasn’t bullet proof. I feel pretty stupid I missed the whole ‘locked onto her DNA’ angle. Meanwhile Thor’s in bed with his hot teenage super squeeze, Valkyrie, and just in case you missed it being mentioned twice last issue, she asks if Thor isn’t curious how she used to have no powers and now she’s got powers. Turns out he isn’t, so I guess the writer had her bring it up because he might have otherwise wasted valuable word bubble space MOVING THE PLOT FORWARD.

Additionally, Ultimate Thor has now started speaking bad improv troupe Shakespeare just like classic Thor. Now, the ‘thees’ and ‘thous’ were cute back in the 1960’s when I was in grammar school, but one of the things I liked most about Ultimate Thor was he spared us all that crap. Because, work with me here, why exactly would an ancient Norse God ever have talked like an Elizabethan Englishman in the first place? And then, after the Brotherhood and Quickie escape? I’d call this a spoiler alert but it’s more of a foregone conclusion gets confirmed alert. Guess who shows up in the Ultimates broken down doorway? I’ll give you three guesses, and if you say anything but ‘Wolverine’ it doesn’t count. It was actually a relief, ‘cause I’d been seriously worried that the ol’ Canuckle head wasn’t getting enough exposure appearing in every other marvel book. This entire issue gave us one, count it, one new plot point in that the Ultimates are now minus Quicksilver. The saving grace of the first issue, the social commentary of the Ultimates having typical celebrity PR problems, was entirely absent. All we got was super folks hitting each other, which I’m usually okay with in a super hero book, but I think if an Ultimates story is no different stylistically than an Avengers story there’s no damn point.

Overall rating: Whole
(Scored on a 0.5 - 5 pickles rating: 0.5 being the worst and 5 being the best)

Reader Comments

Forum Virgin
Jan 28th, 2008, 02:43 PM
This book is horrible. I hated how the Ultimates bantered with all the villains like they'd met and fought them hundreds of times. When did the Ultimates meet Blob and Sabretooth and Venom? Isn't Mystique posing as Magneto and locked up by Shield? Did Jeph Loeb do any research into the Ultimate Universe before he wrote this book? Did any editor look at it? Oh and Captain America doesn't seem to care at all the Hawkeye tranqed Spider-Man. They just left him in the snow. Pretty good hero, Cap is.
The Goddamned Batman
Jan 28th, 2008, 11:20 PM
Yeah, this was pretty abysmally bad. When is the last time that Jeph Loeb actually wrote a good story? Is this really the same guy who did all those books with Tim Sale, or has he been replaced by a skrull?
Dr.Acula MD
Jan 28th, 2008, 11:53 PM
WTF, Mad's art is being wasted on this tripe??

Loeb is completely raping anything that was good on this title. Is this what Marvel does when it wants to kill a book?
Fookin' up planets!
Jan 30th, 2008, 01:40 AM
I have yet to read the Ultimates 3, but from all this I want to say...
Marvel...are you clinically Retarded? My wife used to own a comic book shop called "The Batcave" and I have to say I have seen some of the stupidest story lines come from Marvel.
Now don't get me wrong, I love Marvel and DC equally and see the amazing amount of cool shit they do, But it's crap like this that borders unforgivable. I am still trying to forgive Marvel for the Spiderman "Clone Saga".
The Moxie Nerve Food Tonic
Jan 30th, 2008, 09:26 AM
Hey, Pirateface, where was that shop? It seems to ring a bell with me.
Jan 30th, 2008, 05:27 PM
I hate the Ultimate Universe.
Fookin' up planets!
Jan 31st, 2008, 12:52 PM
On Flamingo and Eastern, About a stone throw away from Maryland Parkway.
I used to put on Punk SHows downstairs from the store in the parking lot.
The Moxie Nerve Food Tonic
Jan 31st, 2008, 01:03 PM
What state?
Fookin' up planets!
Feb 1st, 2008, 03:47 AM
see answer below:
Fookin' up planets!
Feb 1st, 2008, 03:49 AM
Nevada, Las Vegas
The Moxie Nerve Food Tonic
Feb 1st, 2008, 02:37 PM
Check this, In Ultimates, Hawkeye right away knows Venom is a Spidey villain ven though they've never met. Meanwhile, over in Mighty Avengers, when they get attacked by symbiotes, Iron Man director of Shield has to consult a database to find out what he's fighting. In the late 1970's I almost gave up on Marvel it got so bad. I haven't felt that way again until about two months ago. I would have felt that way during the Liefeld heros reborn dealio, but it was too hilarious.
The Goddamned Batman
Feb 1st, 2008, 06:34 PM
And that is why I dropped Mighty Avengers after Frank Cho left the book. Yup.
Vigilante All-Star
Mar 1st, 2008, 08:12 PM
I was actually buying this series solely BECAUSE Joe Mad was drawing it (He was one of my inspirations towards drawing when I was a lot younger), but I agree...the plot so far has made little sense to me (regardless of the fact that I don't pay attention to the Ultimates Universe)