Comic: "The Ultimates 3, #5"
Published by: Marvel Comics
Written by: Jeff Loeb
Artist: Joe Madureira

Reviewer: Max Burbank
Posted: 11/17/2008

Plot: Yeah, so, apparently Ultimate Ultron (who’s kind of also Ultimate Yellowjacket) killed Ultimate Scarlet Witch ‘cause she flirted with him, but it turned out to be a tease, ‘cause she was actually involved with her brother, Ultimate Quicksilver, which is Ultimately yucky. Then while all the Ultimates are off on a wild goose chase having a big old superfight with the Ultimate Brotherhood of Evil Mutants in the Ultimate Savage Land (Because the classic Avengers going on a wild goose chase and having a big old superfight with Skrull doppleganger Avengers in the classic Savage Land in the classic Marvel Universe this month wasn’t enough stupid) Ultimate Yellowjacket/Ultron makes a bunch of robot doppleganger Ultimates (Because the classic Avengers having a big old superfight with doppleganger classic Avengers in the classic Marvel Universe wasn’t enough doppleganger Avengers fighting each other in the Savage Land for one month) and takes them to the Ultimate Savage Land to have a big old superfight with the Ultimates (because I’m sure you get the idea at this point). Oh, and Ultimate Wolverine is there because apparently Classic Wolverine being in the classic Avengers wasn’t enough Wolverine everywhere so they had to team up Ultimate Wolverine with the Ultimates to achieve maximum stupidity. Then it turns out that Ultimate Black Panther was actually Ultimate Cap wearing an Ultimate Black Panther costume for pretty much no reason at all, and the Ultimates beat the robot doppelganger Ultimates, and Ultimate Hawkeye tries to kill Ultimate Magneto but Ultimate Quicksilver takes the bullet and THEN, see, it turns out the whole thing was manipulated by Ultimate Doctor Doom because oh, why not.

Review: Sweet Jesus Toothpaste. Can I just ask, do any of you fanboys know, did Jeff Loeb actually read the first two Ultimate Arcs? ‘Cause, if he didn’t, why? And if he did, why does he hate Mark Millar so much? Did Mark Millar kill Jeff Loeb’s parents and then grind them up and make meatloaf out of them and invite Jeff Loeb over for dinner and halfway through the meal say “Oh, by the way, did you know, you’re eating your own parents?” Because, seriously, I can’t for the life of me think of anything else that could possibly explain the massive steaming poopy Jeff Loeb decided to drop on Mark Millar’s creation. Honestly.

If there’s any point whatsoever in having an Ultimate Universe (which in case you’re wondering, there pretty much isn’t) it’s to write Marvel Characters that have been around since I was in diapers from a NEW ANGLE. Which Mark Millar very nicely put on a straight face for and tried very hard to do. So, see, ULTIMATE cap JUST RECENTLY woke up from world war two, so he acts like your grandfather and is more like a soldier than a superhero, which is kind of going back to the Stan Lee take on Cap except writing it well. So making him secretly go undercover as the Ultimate Black Panther is TOTALLY OUT OF CHARACTER and erases the whole reason for doing an Ultimate Cap in the first place. And ULTIMATE Thor didn’t talk like he was a third rate Shakespearean actor because that was the stupidest aspect of classic Thor because why the HELL would a Norse god speak poorly rendered Elizabethan English. So making Ultimate Thor suddenly start spouting “Thee” and “Thou” like a particularly inept improv comic stinking up a comedy club after some drunk in the audience shouted ‘Shakespeare’ as a style suggestion and giving NO EXPLANATION WHATEVER for doing it either means Loeb never read Millar’s Ultimates, and again, WHY, or he for some reason feels he has to take a massive steaming poopy on it which brings us back to the whole revenge for forced cannibalism scenario and now I have the kind of headache that generally signifies the early stages of a fatal stroke.

I hate this book. I really, really, really do. Because it’s very bad. This is a very, very, very bad comic book. It reeks like a sulfur fume. This book is Liefeld bad. If this comic book were a president of the United States, it would only be a little better at being President than George Bush Junior. This comic book is George Bush senior. Seriously. Mr. Loeb should be ashamed to cash his paycheck. I hope I’ve made myself clear. God damn it. I need a shower. From reading this comic book.


Overall rating: Half
(Scored on a 0.5 - 5 pickles rating: 0.5 being the worst and 5 being the best)

Reader Comments

Smooth Operator
Nov 18th, 2008, 03:38 AM
I enjoyed the first two installments of The Ultimates. And I'm glad that I got to read this (and other negative reviews) before I wasted money picking these books up.
Also, glad to have you back Max. The site just wasn't the same.
Chimichanga enthusiast
Nov 18th, 2008, 07:46 AM
Good god, I can't agree more. Mark Millar's Ultimates were refreshing, well-written (fantastic dialogue and character interaction) and goodamn, it had all kinds of celebrity cameos (I know this annoyed some people but honestly it just heightened the experience for me). It was like if the classic Avengers really existed in real life (as far as a comic book goes, anyway).

And then this piece of dogshit falls from the sky.
Goddamn. Fuck this shit.

Apparently Mark Millar is coming back to write more Ultiamtes goodness though, including a new take on Ultimate Punisher and Ghost Rider which is something I am VERY looking forward to.
1.21 Gigawatts!!!
Nov 18th, 2008, 09:11 AM
Just because the word “Ultimate” is in front does not make it any better or unique. It reminds me of marketing people always putting “X-Treme” in front of their products as it made it that much better.
Fookin' up planets!
Nov 18th, 2008, 11:40 AM
From years of comic book reading I am kind of used to being let down "all the God Damn Time". Even now I will be reading a series that has an end and go "What the FUCK!?"
Like Y The Last Man. Loved the series and then the writer and creator took a huge dogshit in my eyes and ended the series like an asshole. He should have read and followed "Preacher's" formula of rewarding ther reader for sticking by the character's for the long friggin' haul and giving up your hard earned money. F these guys.
is hopped up on goofballs
Nov 18th, 2008, 02:32 PM
Jeph Loeb sucks...he sucks writing Hulk and he sucks writing Heroes and he sucks writing this. On the plus side, the suckyness of The Ultimates vol. 3 and Ultimatum have given us The Ultimate Edit Series which is completely hilarious.

PS: Putting X-Treme in front of their product titles actually does make them better.
The Magnificent Bastard
Nov 18th, 2008, 04:32 PM
I pretty much turned my back on Marvel when they started this "Ultimate" crap (not that i read much Marvel, anyway). Seriously, what is the point (besides publishing twice as many of each title)?

BTW Max, I LOVED the plot summary!
By Hawkings Chair!
Nov 18th, 2008, 05:31 PM
Why the fuck did Marvel even let Jeph near Ultimates? I think it's all part of Joe Q's master plan to COMPLETELY destroy Marvel.

I'm was pleased to read that Mark is coming back to Ultimates, he made it a very pleasant reading experience. Entertaining, fast-paced and more adult skewed than most Marvel titles.

Hopefully Jeph will get tanked from Hulk soon too. Planet Hulk and WW Hulk gave us a Hulk who was able to carry an articulate, coherent conversation without losing any of the rage that made him who he was. BANG! Along comes Jeph (aided, no doubt, by Joe Q), and we are right back at HULK SMASH!. Really, really disappointing.
Bustin makes me feel good
Nov 18th, 2008, 07:04 PM
Is it really published by Dark Horse? Looks like, acts like and smells like Marvel to me.
Nov 18th, 2008, 11:08 PM
Thats a type. Its a Marvel comic. A very poorly written Marvel comic. Its actually painful to read.
Nov 18th, 2008, 11:56 PM
The art is incredible, it's a shame about the rest. "Ultimatium" seems even worse, but at least it's killing off characters like crazy. That pleases me.

And STILL no goddamn Ultimate Purpster? I can't get no respect.
The Goddamned Batman
Nov 19th, 2008, 01:01 PM
this comic made a dookie in my brain
Forum Virgin
Nov 19th, 2008, 02:39 PM
And this is why it absolutely baffles me that people think stuff like BATMAN: THE LONG HALLOWEEN is so excellent. This is the same Jeph Loeb, and he gives the Batman world the same treatment as he does with Marvel, rich with plot holes galore, sub-Hollywood cliche dialogue, one-dimensional characters, style over substance, all resulting in a deeply superficial work.

My theory as to why Loeb's gotten away with it for so long is that he's always worked with brilliant artists. Glad to see some people are finally seeing him for the hack that he is. Namely, the guy who wrote the Howie Long epic, FIRESTORM.
The Magnificent Bastard
Nov 19th, 2008, 11:16 PM
"deeply superficial" is my new favourite oxymoron. Seriously, I'm adding that phrase to my own repertoire.

BTW I don't suppose there's an Ultimate Howard The Duck, is there?
Vigilante All-Star
Nov 20th, 2008, 11:54 PM
Y'know...I bought the books because I wanted to own some Madueira art...but I have to agree...the story was complete nonsense...

I also have unfortunately never read the first two Ultimates books...so...I'll have to.
Pickleman's Uncle
Nov 23rd, 2008, 12:02 AM
published by DARK HORSE?
What the hell.
The Goddamned Batman
Nov 23rd, 2008, 01:50 PM
I just fixed the Publisher. It's a drop down menu, and Dark Horse is the first default option if you don't select anything. Max just forgot to change it.
The Moxie Nerve Food Tonic
Nov 23rd, 2008, 03:40 PM
I didn't forget. I'm stupid. I thought you all knew that by now.
The Magnificent Bastard
Nov 23rd, 2008, 10:36 PM
You know...

...If most of the recent Marvel books were secretly published by a rival publisher, it would explain a few things.