Weeklies

Movie: "Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen"
Year: 2009
Rated: PG-13
Genre: Action / Adventure
Directed by: Michael Bay
Writing credits: Roberto Orci, Alex Kurtzman, Ehren Kruger

Reviewer: Protoclown
Posted: 11/30/2009

Plot: A bunch of giant robots chase a variety of MacGuffins and punch and shoot each other a lot and stuff.

Review: Though I managed to stave it off for months, morbid curiosity eventually got the best of me, so finally I watched Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen or How Many MacGuffins Can We Chase Anyway, Seriously? and I was pleasantly surprised to find it much more enjoyable than its predecessor.

Nah, just kidding. It was fucking horrible. Even worse than the original, if such a thing is actually possible. I rented it for $1.00 from one of those Redbox machines and I felt completely ripped off. I seriously want to find Michael Bay the next time I'm in Los Angeles, kick him in the balls, and tell that fucker he owes me a dollar. This movie isn't even worth the effort it would take to steal.

Once again, the characters look like random bits of scrap metal glued together in vaguely humanoid shapes (that give you a eye strain to look at in the same way that staring at the tiny complex workings of a watch for too long will eventually give you a headache), and the inclusion of many more similar looking silver characters makes them even more indistinguishable from each other than in the first movie. Given that the vast majority of characters are never mentioned by name and have no speaking lines, I suppose it doesn't matter, but it's sometimes helpful to know whether it's a good guy ripping a bad guy's head off, or vice versa. Starscream still looks like an obese gorilla, but they actually gave him lines this time so he seems slightly more like his character in the 80s cartoon and comics. Oh, and Soundwave fans, you'll be momentarily happy to hear that he's in this film (and voiced by Frank Welker, no less--minus the vocoder this time though), but that happiness will instantly disappear as soon as I tell you that his only contribution in this film is to buttfuck a satellite. I wish I was joking. Oh, and once again, for no reason whatsoever, aside from the filmmakers thinking it was "cute", Bumblebee's voice is broken again, so he's forced to communicate via snippets he finds on the radio for the duration of the entire movie. Man, he sucks.

The only other new characters worth mentioning are Jetfire, who is apparently a cantankerous, bearded, elderly Briton, who uses one of his landing gear as a cane and can conveniently teleport wherever the story needs him to be. The movie also introduced Devastator, the construction vehicle combiner. Unfortunately, he's less than impressive in this incarnation, since all he can do is crawl around on all fours like a giant misshapen baby and eat lots of sand (and a pyramid). Literally all he does is suck. There's Arcee and two other identical motorcycles, who I would swear they referred to as "the Arcee twins", even though there are three of them. It doesn't matter though, because they never do anything. But most offensive of all are the actual twins Skids and Mudflap, who are the most blatantly racist caricatures I have ever seen in a mainstream piece of contemporary fiction. I had heard many people talking about how bad they were, but even with all of that preparation, I was honestly shocked by how overtly offensive they were. They look like monkeys, use modern street slang, are illiterate, are grossly incompetent (they serve no purpose in the film outside of a feeble attempt at "comic relief"), and have buck teeth (one of them with a gold front tooth). Seriously, my (or any) description doesn't do it justice. You won't believe that they actually went there when you see it. But you're not going to see it, because you love yourself more than I do. Right?

One of the other characters is a robot puked up by Ravage composed of little ball bearings that turn into little spiders, which in turn stack and combine into a robot so thin that you can't even see him if you're looking right at him. Apart from that being incredibly stupid in the first place, you would think his large round glowing red eye might be a little noticeable, but apparently, it is not. There are also a number of mini-Decepticons shown throughout the movie who all act exactly like gremlins from Gremlins 2. Seriously, take any gremlin from that movie, make a robotic version of them, and you have a Decepticon in this movie.

Apparently after the first movie, the humans and the Autobots are working together to root out Decepticon safehouses. This is an odd team-up since the humans invariably prove completely ineffective and useless. Their bullets may as well bounce right off their targets for all the good they do. The Autobots, in the meantime, using the same Earth weapons, manage to deal out some serious damage whenever they go up against the bad guys. During their downtime between missions, the Autobots apparently revert to vehicle form and chill out in a hangar doing a whole lot of nothing. I would find that a bit boring, but they are apparently okay with this.

So the Decepticons revive Megatron from the bottom of the ocean, and he goes flying off to another planet where Starscream is tending to a bunch of eggs, which he refers to as "the hatchlings". Yes, we learn that Transformers are hatched out of eggs. I don't know how that makes any kind of sense at all, but there it is. That's actually how my new cell phone was packaged--I had to break it out of a little techno-egg.

There's some old infirm robot that Megatron refers to as "master", so apparently he's important somehow. We find out that he is the Fallen, who looks like a Cylon Centurion would if it was an anorexic, gay wizard. He has pretty much no character at all except that he is evil. It seems there is a giant machine called the Sun Sucker or some such that devours all of the energy from a sun and converts it into energon. The ancient leaders of the Transformers, a body of seven wise warriors known as the Primes (because each of them is divisible only by one and himself, oh snap!) only use this device in a solar system with no life in it.

Well, the Fallen is feeling a bit energy-sapped one day, so he decides to use it on Earth during is primitive days. The other Primes won't abide by this, so they come up with a brilliant plan to stop him. Could it be to destroy the giant machine that destroys suns? Pfah! Too obvious for the Primes! How about destroy the Matrix of Leadership required to operate it? Nay, I say! The Primes won't stoop to such pedestrian tactics! Howzabout just simply kill the evil fucker who wants to use it? What are they, common palookas? No, their amazing plan is to hide the matrix by encasing it inside of a tomb made from their own corpses. Unfortunately, their plan fails to consider the possibility that the Fallen might find this tomb and then there will be nobody to stop him (apparently only a Prime can beat a Prime), because they all "sacrificed" themselves like morons.

Speaking of "sacrifice", I don't feel like it's a spoiler to tell you that Optimus Prime dies (gasp!) in this movie, but then he comes back, because that's how it works. The single funniest moment in the movie came when they airlifted Prime's lifeless body back to the military base where he was headquartered. All of these soldiers come out to solemnly witness the dead hero's return (he's just a robot, so why do they care again?), complete with sad, moving instrumentals. And then the helicopter cuts the line, dropping Prime's body from a good fifty feet, landing on the ground with a loud, unceremonious thud. It was the only point in the movie where I laughed out loud. The rest of the movie was spent wailing and gnashing my teeth, and I expect you'll do the same if you're bravedumb enough to experience it for yourself.

It pains me that I can only give this one half a pickle, because I don't feel like that properly quantifies its relationship to the first film (which I awarded a single pickle). So pretend that the half pickle there is actually negative two pickles and you're about where the movie should be rated. Some of you will say "Oh, come on, it wasn't that bad!" Yes, yes it was. And people who think otherwise deserve to be slapped.

Overall rating: Half
(Scored on a 0.5 - 5 pickles rating: 0.5 being the worst and 5 being the best)

Reader Comments

Forum Virgin
Nov 30th, 2009, 03:48 AM
Great review, Proto, but you forgot to mention Devastator's giant robo-testicles. Seriously, did you miss them? They were dangling down when he/it was climbing the pyramid. Michael Bay is apparently quite proud of himself for that joke...I honestly thought of killing myself.
That damn kid
Nov 30th, 2009, 06:51 AM
I don't know why but my cousins love the Michael Bay transformers. Everytime I go down to their place they try to get me to watch the second one, and this is just another source I can cite to tell them to stop.
Giant guns fix all!!
Nov 30th, 2009, 06:56 AM
It's things like this that made me glad that i stopped going to the movies after 28 days later came out. Hollywood has messed up so many movies and I am not throwing away any more of my money on the sad piles that they try to pass of as entertaining. (note: I did enjoy 28 days later, i just thought it was the last movie that I felt was worth paying for.)
With More Yes Than Ever
Nov 30th, 2009, 07:59 AM
I was also very offended by the racist caricatures in this film. I mean in the last movie, it was just a break dancing robot who spoke in slang and got killed first, in this one, shit goes way to far.

Fuck Michael Bay.
Member
Nov 30th, 2009, 09:23 AM
Taco Head, there have been some good movies at the theaters since 28 days later. Star Trek, District 9, The Dark Knight, Iron Man, Zombieland. Plus I am sure many more. Of course Transformers 2 isn't on that list.
Forum Virgin
Nov 30th, 2009, 10:07 AM
Shia Labeouf's tears are magic and life saving. Like that sock he had the Matrix in.

Also my web browser is telling me Labeouf isn't a word. I love Mozilla.
LOVES the tubal ligation!
Nov 30th, 2009, 11:27 AM
This entire movie offended me in ways I thought not possible. Every copy should be smashed, pissed on, loaded onto a rocket and shot into the sun.
Riot Control
Nov 30th, 2009, 12:05 PM
Good to know I don't quite go to the movies anymore and rather wait until the DVD of a good movie comes out.
Strange blob from beyond
Nov 30th, 2009, 12:39 PM
only one thing wrong with this review Proto (and I don't know how people get these accents mixed up), Jetfire was a cantankerous, bearded, elderly Australian. Not British.
Forum Chaos Lord
Nov 30th, 2009, 12:54 PM
I never thought I would see a movie not by Uwe Boll that would give Alone in the Dark a run for its money.

...This does. Horrifyingly so.
Forum Virgin
Nov 30th, 2009, 12:54 PM
Australia has the Queen on their money, they're British.
Sympathizes with the foo'
Nov 30th, 2009, 01:01 PM
All the warning I needed came from my roommate's glowing review: "It's just like the first one, only MORE!"

So more giant robots fighting, that could be cool. Unfortunately, it's still sandwiched between the alternately dull and annoying human-centered plots and some of... no, make it the most painfully unfunny attempts at humor ever shat out by Hollywood, ranking only slightly above Seltzer and Friedberg in terms of sheer agony. This movie's "comedy" basically works out to the filmmakers grasping you by the nape and screaming, "Hey look, these robots are acting like those crazy darkies we've heard about, and Shia LaBeouf's mom is trippin' balls on hash brownies! Now laugh at it, bitch!!"
Jason's a Furry! Run!
Nov 30th, 2009, 01:16 PM
I agree about the part where they let Optimus' corpse just flop to the ground. Had me laughing throughout most of the movie. Total agreement in general with this review, but I think it was a bit too nice. This is easily one of the worst movies I have ever seen, made all the more insulting in just how much money was wasted on it (both to make it and to watch it). It's a film that gave audiences the privilege of paying to be spat on in four different colors (that is, silver and three shades of shit brown).
LOVES the tubal ligation!
Nov 30th, 2009, 02:44 PM
Quote:
Australia has the Queen on their money, they're British.
This is truth!

{quote]This is easily one of the worst movies I have ever seen...[/quote]

All the more reason not to waste time on it. Im actually kind of surprised Proto took the time to grace it with a review at all.
the axe and the smasher
Nov 30th, 2009, 03:22 PM
After this movie came out, I was interviewed by a local radio station for my thoughts on it. I felt as though I had to apologize for all its... stuff.
aint nobody
Nov 30th, 2009, 06:34 PM
the movie was garbage,but i do prefer the complex alien designs over the 'precious' g1 purple cereal boxes,except Starscream,his robot mode sucks
Giant guns fix all!!
Nov 30th, 2009, 07:11 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by nilus View Post
Taco Head, there have been some good movies at the theaters since 28 days later. Star Trek, District 9, The Dark Knight, Iron Man, Zombieland. Plus I am sure many more. Of course Transformers 2 isn't on that list.
Now I never said i havent seen a new movie since 28 days later, there have been some great movies that have come out. (I'm not really a star trek fan, it was good but more of my husbands kind of thing). I will not pay to see it in a theater, but i will wait to rent, buy on DVD, or have a friend lone it to me. Tickets cost too much at my salary right now.
Strange blob from beyond
Dec 1st, 2009, 04:14 AM
No, they are british convicts. Get it right please ;-)
Strange blob from beyond
Dec 1st, 2009, 04:18 AM
Oh and also does that mean that canadians are as well?
lurking on the walls
Dec 1st, 2009, 09:08 AM
the movie was bad, i'm glad i saw it for free... although it'd be the same if Godzilla was thrown into the mix... I'd love to see that, since Godzilla ALWAYS fights big alien beings from space.
SPOOOOOOOON!!!
Dec 1st, 2009, 10:25 AM
Well, Proto got it spot on. Michael Bay needs to die for this and for Armageddon. One other thing that always bugged me about this movie and the first one: why in the fuck is the hero (I mean the whiny little bitch) named Sam? His name is supposed to be Spike! Spike, damn it, SPIKE!

Oh, and caffman: Canadians are French convicts, not British.
SPOOOOOOOON!!!
Dec 1st, 2009, 10:30 AM
Hang on, if we throw Godzilla in, maybe he could eat Michael Bay... and Sam/Spike...hmmm
SKATASTIC
Dec 1st, 2009, 11:25 AM
Pfft. YOU THINK YOU WASTED MONEY!!!!

I SAW THIS IN IMAX

I blame the writers strike for this being bad as it was. I wasn't expecting it to be supreme but definitely not this bad. I hated how they introduced Jetfire and the Fallen, they would do something for 5 mins and then wouldn't be in the movie for an hour. Then later on they're all like "Oh yeah, I haven't been on camera but I'm still here.....doing stuff."

Also, most Transformers look like they were from Lego: Bionicle.
Shinobi Hero
Dec 1st, 2009, 02:46 PM
What I can't believe is that my parents REALLY LIKED this movie. Both this one, and the first. They were like this with Van Helsing too, and that movie was incredibly boring. I can't see what they find so delightful about them.
Member
Dec 1st, 2009, 04:36 PM
One of the worst movies ever made, bar none.
The Goddamned Batman
Dec 1st, 2009, 06:44 PM
I am reassured that no one has stepped in to defend this movie.

As for Jetfire's accent, I totally didn't get that he's Australian. And hell, I've heard a lot of Australian accents too. Huh.
The Claw of Justice
Dec 1st, 2009, 11:38 PM
Now, I didn't mind the first one. It was cheesy, stupid, and cliched, but it still didn't cause my physical pain.

This is one of a handful of movies that made me want to commit harakiri.
Member
Dec 2nd, 2009, 11:37 AM
Perfect review, but be prepared for the onslaught of nasty emails you get from the legions of Transformer fans who take great umbrage when someone disses these highly important works of cinematic art.
Sympathizes with the foo'
Dec 2nd, 2009, 01:44 PM
Let 'em try it; we'll rip 'em a new ass.
Mocker
Dec 2nd, 2009, 03:06 PM
Racist robots. cry me a river. And for the record none of the robots could "read the ancient text or whatever" not just the ones you see as black stereotypes.

It was a bad movie but this omg the robots are racist is so retarded. I see more white teenagers acting like the twin robots then black people. And when did black people have stereotypical buck teeth? I thought that was asians. And again for the record one of the voice actors for the racict robots is a black man.

I feel it is more racist to see all these things on a robot(stupidity,monkey features,illiterate) and assume it represents a black person. Maybe we should all move past these outdated racial stereotypes and then you will be able to see two stupid ass robots and not black people.

Its like when my friend told me Resident Evil 5 was racist because you shot black zombies. Hes the fucking racist for finding it less offensive to kill white and spanish zombies then black ones.
Mocker
Dec 2nd, 2009, 03:12 PM
And the other voice actor for the racist robot was the voice of spongebob squarepants lol. Considering a black man and the voice of spongebob came up with the direction of the voice I have to assume there wasn't much racism being played out but who knows maybe Tom Kenny hates black people and the other black voice actor is just a hater. I used the word hater in the same sentence as 'black voice actor' omg racist!
Mocker
Dec 2nd, 2009, 03:16 PM
Fuck this inability to edit. sorry for the multiple posts.

From the black voice actor "It's an alien who uploaded information from the Internet and put together the conglomeration and formed this cadence, way of speaking and body language that was accumulated over X amount of years of information and that's what came out," he said. said. "If he had uploaded country music, he would have come out like that. It could easily be a Transformer that uploaded Kevin Federline data. They were just, like, posers to me." God Bless america where whiny white people get more offended over supposed black stereotypes then black people themselves. Its your own racist beliefs that make you see the twin robots as black people and not just idiots robotic versions of someone like kevin federline.
the axe and the smasher
Dec 2nd, 2009, 07:14 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by DavidFullam View Post
Perfect review, but be prepared for the onslaught of nasty emails you get from the legions of Transformer fans who take great umbrage when someone disses these highly important works of cinematic art.
Don't worry, enough of us were upset at the movie to cut down on that kinda backlash. That and... well... that kinda behavior has simmered down a bit in the past few years.
the axe and the smasher
Dec 2nd, 2009, 07:16 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Protoclown View Post
I am reassured that no one has stepped in to defend this movie.

As for Jetfire's accent, I totally didn't get that he's Australian. And hell, I've heard a lot of Australian accents too. Huh.
If anything, I'll defend your review on our show. I even liked the movie, but man... it was pretty bad.
Member
Dec 2nd, 2009, 08:01 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by robo_rob View Post
Don't worry, enough of us were upset at the movie to cut down on that kinda backlash. That and... well... that kinda behavior has simmered down a bit in the past few years.
That's good. I did hear that a few did go after Ebert pretty bad for his take on the film.
lurking on the walls
Dec 2nd, 2009, 09:48 PM
wow... I thought the twin bots were Redneck stereotypes. but why hasen't anyone ripped into.... i think it was "wheeljack" you know the toy monster truck that humped megan fox's leg?
the axe and the smasher
Dec 2nd, 2009, 09:58 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by DavidFullam View Post
That's good. I did hear that a few did go after Ebert pretty bad for his take on the film.
yeah, but no death threats this time... that I know of
the axe and the smasher
Dec 2nd, 2009, 09:58 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by saturnknight View Post
wow... I thought the twin bots were Redneck stereotypes. but why hasen't anyone ripped into.... i think it was "wheeljack" you know the toy monster truck that humped megan fox's leg?
Wheelie, because it'd be like making fun of a retarded kid for being retarded.
The Goddamned Batman
Dec 2nd, 2009, 10:48 PM
Ant10708, I'm glad we could find something you're so passionate about.
Member
Dec 3rd, 2009, 03:18 AM
I almost wanted to see this film, but I was too lazy to make cutouts of Tom Servo and Crow to bring to the theater.

@Rufus the Perturbed
I'd argue that Spike is too cool a name for the alleged hero.
Forum Virgin
Dec 3rd, 2009, 12:48 PM
The Rifftrax of this movie is pretty funny
Forum Virgin
Dec 3rd, 2009, 01:55 PM
How can you review this movie and leave out the giant robot balls and the blantant wankery towards the military? This movie was horrible on so many levels. It's hard to make a bad Transformers movie, but Michael Bay loves a challenge.
Forum Virgin
Dec 3rd, 2009, 04:06 PM
First, spot review, this piece of crap wasn't worth the time and/or money put into it. Secondly, golf clap for our heroic Proto for proper use of the term "MacGuffins". That just made happy in ways it shouldn't
Sympathizes with the foo'
Dec 4th, 2009, 02:38 PM
Ant10708: Do not assume that I subscribe to politically correct thinking. I don't by that "wigger" shit for a second, but I couldn't care less if the dumbasses behind this movie wanted to make racial jokes or not. No, my problem with the shuckin' and jivin' robots in Transformers 2 is that they, like everything else in both movies, are simply not funny. No form of humor should ever be off limits, but it has to be done well.

Even with the Rifftrax for the first Transformers, I had trouble sitting through the movie's execrable "humor," and sat wondering what sort of imbecile could possibly find it funny. The only thing I could come up with is the loud, doughy, red-faced dork who nearly dies laughing as he watches Two and a Half Men. And I really hope that guy is happy, because non-idiots found the movie was so unfunny it hurt.
Member
Dec 4th, 2009, 09:05 PM
I liked both movies but at the same time, I simply can't defend them. They are junk cinema, and I sure love me some Doritos.

It helps that I view them as disaster movies, except with lots of bad attempts at humor.
Member
Dec 5th, 2009, 12:57 AM
Actually it's a disaster movie in every sense of the word. The casting, character design, voice acting (with a few obvious exceptions of course) and plot... all disasterous. :D

I agree though. They are a fun movie to watch... ONCE... and then block it out and blame it on the booze.
pickled
Dec 5th, 2009, 01:08 AM
Longest review ever!
Forum Virgin
Dec 5th, 2009, 01:37 PM
I went and saw this movie with some friends at a Drive-in theater (I had a DD) and we had a cooler of beverages to get us through this monstrosity (I wanted to see the new Terminator movie which was the second part of the double feature). I pledged to take a drink every time Shia or any other crappy actor/actress said something bumbling, inane, sophomoric, or unfunny and suffice it to say, I am quite sure I was quite tipsy 25 minutes into the movie. The only upside is I was able to time subsequent bathroom breaks for everytime people started talking the rest of the movie. Even devoid of a good portion of the dialogue the movie was still hard to watch and once Sam's parents were caught in Egypt, ducking and diving in slo-mo, and his dad had started shouting, "I'M GOING WITH YOU!" with cheesy instumentals in the background I nearly entered a coma.

I sadly remember very little about T4 thanks to this movie, although I suspect I was not overly impressed/borderline let down.

Days later my friends and I placed a bet on whether the next movie will have a Spanish talking, salsa dancing bot who transforms from a Taco Stand and hotwires cars or a slanty-eyed bot that can't pronounce its "Rs" that transforms into a rice cooker. BECAUSE IT'S OKAY IF THEY ARE ROBOTS (sarcasm). I'm quite sure "Revenge of the Fallen" is the closest I will come to seeing contemporary blackface in cinema.

This movie made me caress and cradle my VHS copy of the real Transformers movie for dear life:-( It's quite sad that even with Proto's lengthy and accurate analysis of the movie we could all easily find pages of additional faults...