Weeklies

Movie: "Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter"
Year: 2001
Rated: R
Genre: Horror
Directed by: Lee Demarbre
Writing credits: Ian Driscoll

Reviewer: Dr. Boogie
Posted: 10/13/2008

Plot: Vampires are running amok in Ottawa, killing lesbians by the score. With no one else to turn to, the church must rely on the aid of none other than Jesus H. Christ.

Review: If you thought there were no horror films starring Jesus other than the Passion of the Christ, think again. It’s the second coming of Christ, and this time, it’s personal!

Having watched the movie a few times, I’m still not 100% sure about the plot. That there are vampires killing lesbians and Jesus has to stop them, that much I know for sure. At the same time, though, the villainous Dr. Praetorius is using the dead lesbians for some kind of skin grafting scheme with the vampires. But really, what does the writing matter in a movie like this?

It opens with a segment featuring a very scary-looking preacher using an abandoned house as some sort of metaphor for the story. And the first line from one of the villains is, “where have all our lesbians gone?” I think that sets the tone nicely.

The movie is bad in that “intentionally bad, but good” sort of way. For starters, nearly all the audio, dialogue and otherwise, has been added post-production. It makes the whole movie seem kind of “off” as you watch the characters try to match their mouth movements to their actual lines. Likewise, action sequences are punctuated with sounds effects from old martial arts movies, as well as a few cartoon sound effects added for good measure. Add to this the cheesy effects and the inclusion of famous luchador, El Santo, and you’ve got the makings of a cult classic. That is, a movie that’s not necessarily good, but is still plenty entertaining.

And that’s just what JCVH is. When you’re watching JC take on a clown car full of atheists in a knockdown, drag out fight, you’re not thinking about the events that lead up to this moment. Likewise, when God starts talking to Jesus through a bowl of ice cream, you’ll be glad you left your disbelief at the door.

The crew really understood that what they were making was intended to be a joke, and it turns out really well. The only problem I had with JCVH is that it doesn’t really start to pickup until about halfway through the film. The beginning is still entertaining, but it has nothing on the back half of the movie.

Overall rating: WholeWholeWholeHalf
(Scored on a 0.5 - 5 pickles rating: 0.5 being the worst and 5 being the best)

Reader Comments

That damn kid
Oct 14th, 2008, 06:45 AM
Is this the one where jesus masturbates with holes in his hand or am i thinking of something else? I remember being some movie like that...
Forum Virgin
Oct 14th, 2008, 09:43 AM
Where would one find this movie? Is it even out on DVD?
hanging out
Oct 14th, 2008, 10:34 AM
you can get it on netflix. I couldn't get past the first 10 minutes myself. I didn't even get to the part where Jesus shaves his beard and changes in to normal street clothes.
Member
Oct 14th, 2008, 02:37 PM
You didn't mention the best theme song ever, "Everybody Gets Laid Tonight"!
I hate this hacker crap!
Oct 14th, 2008, 04:54 PM
I remember hearing about this years ago, but never saw it. I regret that.
Riot Control
Oct 14th, 2008, 05:30 PM
Time for me to go and chase this, as it looks pretty damn entertaining.
Former Virgin
Oct 14th, 2008, 11:10 PM
Holy crap dude. This sounds excellent. Might have to track down a copy.
Member
Oct 15th, 2008, 12:07 AM
I got it off ebay quite a while ago. I think it set me back like five bucks.
Member
Oct 15th, 2008, 03:49 AM
Ugh, couldn't even finish this movie.
Jack Burton, Me!
Oct 15th, 2008, 12:57 PM
I live near where they filmed it, and have been to the locations in the film. It's actually not really known in Ottawa, still a bit discreet, but I learned about it on the SCREAM network. The filmmaker has other movies a lot like it, like the Harry Knuckles series, which are kung fu movies with the guy who plays Jesus but he has harry knuckles..
Last of the Time Lords
Oct 15th, 2008, 01:22 PM
I saw this once, but I'm afraid it has run together in my mind with a bunch of other B movies, so I don't remember much about it.
pickled
Oct 15th, 2008, 07:39 PM
Hangie: That sounds disturbing.
Forum Virgin
Oct 16th, 2008, 04:22 AM
Aw, this one was on my Netflix cue. Had to give up Netflix a couple months ago. Now I'm sad.
Funky Dynamite
Oct 16th, 2008, 12:16 PM
It's like Alli was saying, you can probably get this movie off Amazon or eBay for about the same price as renting it.
Forum Virgin
Oct 18th, 2008, 09:03 PM
Hangle I believe the movie you're thinking of is Holy Mountain... but i might be mistaken on that.