Movie: "Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter"
Directed by: Lee Demarbre
Writing credits: Ian Driscoll
Reviewer: Dr. Boogie
Plot: Vampires are running amok in Ottawa, killing lesbians by the score. With no one else to turn to, the church must rely on the aid of none other than Jesus H. Christ.
Review: If you thought there were no horror films starring Jesus other than the Passion of the Christ, think again. It’s the second coming of Christ, and this time, it’s personal!
Having watched the movie a few times, I’m still not 100% sure about the plot. That there are vampires killing lesbians and Jesus has to stop them, that much I know for sure. At the same time, though, the villainous Dr. Praetorius is using the dead lesbians for some kind of skin grafting scheme with the vampires. But really, what does the writing matter in a movie like this?
It opens with a segment featuring a very scary-looking preacher using an abandoned house as some sort of metaphor for the story. And the first line from one of the villains is, “where have all our lesbians gone?” I think that sets the tone nicely.
The movie is bad in that “intentionally bad, but good” sort of way. For starters, nearly all the audio, dialogue and otherwise, has been added post-production. It makes the whole movie seem kind of “off” as you watch the characters try to match their mouth movements to their actual lines. Likewise, action sequences are punctuated with sounds effects from old martial arts movies, as well as a few cartoon sound effects added for good measure. Add to this the cheesy effects and the inclusion of famous luchador, El Santo, and you’ve got the makings of a cult classic. That is, a movie that’s not necessarily good, but is still plenty entertaining.
And that’s just what JCVH is. When you’re watching JC take on a clown car full of atheists in a knockdown, drag out fight, you’re not thinking about the events that lead up to this moment. Likewise, when God starts talking to Jesus through a bowl of ice cream, you’ll be glad you left your disbelief at the door.
The crew really understood that what they were making was intended to be a joke, and it turns out really well. The only problem I had with JCVH is that it doesn’t really start to pickup until about halfway through the film. The beginning is still entertaining, but it has nothing on the back half of the movie.
(Scored on a 0.5 - 5 pickles rating: 0.5 being the worst and 5 being the best)
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