Movie: "High School Musical 3"
Year: 2009
Rated: G
Genre: Comedy
Directed by: Kenny Ortega
Writing credits: Peter Barsochinni

Reviewer: Max Burbank
Posted: 4/29/2009

Plot: Oh good lord, how will them Wildcats manage to priorities their commitments to themselves and each other in this, THEIR SENIOR YEAR?!? With college on the horizon do these well scrubbed untroubled youth really have time to PUT ON A MUSICAL!? They will if the musical just happens to be about SENIORS PUTTIN’ ON A MUSICAL!!! And WHO put in an application to JULIARD for TROY without his knowledge? Does someone think he’s GAY?!? SPOILER ALERT! Everything turns out all right in the end and the whole senior class graduates without even one tragic car crash death the week before graduation.

Review: Oh, yes, my little friends, I didn’t just go there, I bought real estate and came back with a damn fine tan. Screw all a ya’s, ‘cause I had myself a howling good time seeing this movie with my daughters and enjoyed as much IF NOT MORE than they did. Why? Because I am ahead of the curve, baby. Sure it’s cool to watch Beach Blanket Bingo and laugh your ass off at the whacky semi-aware antics of Franky and Annette, but Troy and whats-her-face are OUR Franky and Annette (Well my kids, really, I’m kind of old) RIGHT NOW! It took Conan to tell you how cool ‘Dirty Dancing’ was, well I am telling you right now, High School Musical Trois BLEW ME OUT OF MY SEAT AND MY MIND! I saw it opening night, natch, but I hadda wait this long for the experience to boil down before I laid it on you. Unless I’ve already reviewed this movie in some sort of black out of sheer delight, which is always possible.

The opening moment is well worth the price of a ticket. Shot number one, without prelude on the big scfreen, Zac Effron’s MASSIVE SWEATING MUG FILLING THE ENTIRE SCREEN! I could only have enjoyed this more if it had been filmed in IMAX 3-D. And wait for it, beads of sweat at least a foot across are rolling down Zacky’s face in SUPER SLOW-MO!! My word to God, it’s like an epiphany. And then mere minutes later when Vanessa Hudgkins pert little body spikes up all alone and spot lit amongst a see of fan cards held over the heads of every single other person so that you know Troy is seeing her not with normal human vision BUT WITH THE YES OF HIS TEENAGE BASKETBALL PLAYIN’ MUSICAL THEATER SINGIN’ SOUL and she shouts “TROOOOOOOOOOOY!” well, I’m not ashamed to say I was shouting it along with her. Just, you know, in my heart, so as not to mortify my kids who were having a hard enough time with the squeals of ecstasy emerging from between my clenched teeth every few seconds.

I am so sorry, I totally don’t care what’s intentionally funny and what’s just an accident about this movie (and don’t tell me the boys at Disney aren’t aware at least some of the time of the multiple levels this shit plays on), I am like a gerbil in a dust bath, baby, I just can’t get enough! The intense passion and commitment every actor in this movie puts into the momentous soul wrenching conflict over what’s more important, Theatre or Basketball would surely be more appropriate to a movie about the Nurembergh trials, but don’t you see, that’s wherein the wonder lies. That friction between such God damn BIG acting over decisions that everybody knows they won’t even recall by their third week of college is marvelous.

Am I getting through to you? Do you see I am post Irony? This movie made me feel like a Queen at a Judy Garland festival, and I am man enough to tell you it is quite a feeling and old enough that I don’t feel the sick guilt I felt back in the day when I secretly enjoyed ‘Footloose’.

Okay, okay. On the small screen it will never be the same, but if you get liquored up real good, eat a whole box of Ho-Ho’s and sit less than a foot from your TV you’ll get something of the sensation I had. I promise. And let me know how it goes.

Overall rating: WholeWholeWholeWholeWhole
(Scored on a 0.5 - 5 pickles rating: 0.5 being the worst and 5 being the best)

Reader Comments

The Magnificent Bastard
Apr 30th, 2009, 02:37 AM
Sounds fun.

But, can there really be a musical more "so bad it's good" than Nudist Colony Of The Dead (yes, that's a musical)?

You know, I was avoiding these High School Musical flicks like the plague. But, if they're this wonderfully, hilariously awful, I might have to have a marathon of them.

Still, if any sequel to a Disney Channel movie got the theatrical treatment, it should have been a Halloweentown movie. I love those.
The Moxie Nerve Food Tonic
Apr 30th, 2009, 08:10 AM
Halloweentown ROCKED until they got a fake Marnie.
The Magnificent Bastard
Apr 30th, 2009, 11:18 AM
I didn't mind Marnie II so much (I find Sara Paxton rather cute), but the original Marnie (Kimberly J.Brown) was definitely much better.

(I only know the names of the actresses because of a quick Wikipedia search, I swear)
The Goddamned Batman
Apr 30th, 2009, 10:11 PM
Max, I don't know how serious you are about this, but you'd best watch yourself. You are well on your way to earning a gut punch in San Diego, my friend.
Forum Virgin
May 1st, 2009, 04:37 AM
Be careful. I'm getting tired of posts on this site of people taking the mock reviews seriously, even if you state it's a joke... But I for one thought that this film deserves placement with the likes of "Citizen Kane". (Just a joke, Zach stars in "Me and Orson Welles" which is apparently a fine film and... ah forget it....)
Fake Shemp
May 1st, 2009, 09:10 PM
I'm...um...I'm still not going to see it. They haven't created a drug strong enough for me to enjoy something like this. Unless there's zombies in it? Are there zombies in it? I didn't think so.
May 2nd, 2009, 12:24 AM
I believe the zombies are the ones trudging off to the theater to see it...or sending their parents out to buy it.

Of course, it might be hypocritical of me, but I'm absolutely in love with Effron's eyes. I'm a sucker for a pair of baby blues. I also liked the music in the first one but only one song in the second and have heard nothing from the third. Given that the soundtrack is supposed to be the highlight of the films (It's High School *Musical*, after all), I don't feel too badly about that.
The Moxie Nerve Food Tonic
May 2nd, 2009, 07:48 AM
Yeah, when it's all high camp cool a decade from now you looosers will know how AHEAD OF THE FRIGGIN' CURVE I WAS!
May 2nd, 2009, 09:54 AM
I haven't seen any of those flicks so, if they are as good as Max says, maybe the one deserving the gut punch is me.
May 2nd, 2009, 04:12 PM
I think Proto has the right idea about this.
The Magnificent Bastard
May 2nd, 2009, 09:14 PM
I'm with Max on this.

You guys just don't appreciate the wonderful ridiculousness of cheesy Disney-channel nonsense.

Trust me, Disney channel stuff is just as hilariously bad as many of the cheesy, 80s horror/sci-fi/action movies we all hold so dear, and for many of the same reasons.

Anybody ever see the made for TV remake of Witch Mountain back in the late '90s?
May 3rd, 2009, 03:10 AM
Wait, they did a remake *before* the one with Dwayne Johnson?
The Magnificent Bastard
May 3rd, 2009, 11:29 AM
Yep! They did alot of made for TV remakes of their classic films in the late '90s. It was also when the Disney Channel was first starting to target the teens.
Ultimate Buzzkill
May 3rd, 2009, 07:58 PM
This reminds me a lot of a musical I had the misfortune of performing in during my high school years. I absolutely HATE musicals; it causes a total loss of "suspension of disbelief." It's like a scenario in which somebody's mom dies so he spontaneously bursts into a synchronized song and dance routine with 20 random strangers he's never before met in his life. It's simply far too phony and I can't deal with it. Anyhow, I was horrified to discover that the main production of my senior year was a musical called "Homeroom" after I was cast and handed a script. Skimming through the dialoge revealed a tome of inane drivel and whining. "Wahh, I have too much homework." "Wahhh my parents don't understand me." "Waaahhhh girls don't like me." "Waaaah my parents might be getting a divorce." Consequently, I reinvented my character as the "you think YOU have problems?" tough guy who spent a lot of time rolling eyes in disgust, and for my obligatory musical numbers, I went for a "Mackie Messer" vocal style to further emphasize my disdain over this production....and it startled me that people flagged me down for quite a while asking for autographs...and I wasn't even "acting."
Pickleman's Uncle
May 3rd, 2009, 11:35 PM
So you're gay now? Is this what this is about?
The Moxie Nerve Food Tonic
May 4th, 2009, 10:02 AM
Who, me, or the guy who posted right before you?
Ba dum dum dum dum
May 4th, 2009, 01:33 PM
Hold your ground men! My fellow nerds!
I see in your eyes the same fear of the cheesy Disney crap that would claim me!
A day may come that people will look back on High School Musical and declare it the new camp. But it is not this day.
A day may come, where people will look back on shows that were canceled after one season from this year and hail them as forgotten treasures, looking for any piece of memorabilia they can find... but it is not this day!
This day we watch House and Family Guy!
For all that you hold dear, I bid you watch the semi-decent entertainment now and wait to see what becomes cult later! Rise! Men of the Nets!
The Moxie Nerve Food Tonic
May 4th, 2009, 01:46 PM
I get you reference, Al Sobuyadese.
Forum Virgin
May 4th, 2009, 03:27 PM
Since we have the Cobra command strongly represented here I propose that Mr.Burbank review GIJoe:Resolute in the near future?? That is, if he can squeeze it in amoung the HSMusical viewings???
May 4th, 2009, 03:44 PM
When is the review on Teen Witch coming Max?
May 4th, 2009, 09:36 PM
I'm sure Max's cheap ass is gonna spring for Hannah Montana tickets.
Forum Virgin
May 5th, 2009, 05:43 AM
That brunette chick has a hairy bush.
skank pronger
May 5th, 2009, 04:43 PM
High School Musical 3 is about the most blatant and deliberate gay allegory ever made in recent Hollywood.

All the explicit stuff about career and study choices after graduating is a total smokescreen. The film's seeming chasteness neatly offsets any conflicts with the subtext of the boy-girl sexual chemistry. It certainly isn't an old-fashioned warning against teenage sexual precocity, as over-optimistically suggested in some conservative circles. On the contrary, it's ONLY about sex!

Nearly all the male protagonists (apart from perhaps the geeky token hetero 'Rocket Man' character) are questioning their sexuality to one degree or another - and, as in the long history of film musicals, the stories' subtexts are all told in an obvious code through the songs (via the lyrics and the language of the elaborate dance routines) and the overall plot development, with theatre and basketball being the most obvious symbols of homo and heterosexuality.

If you don't believe me, here are the lyrics to the song "Scream:"

Voices in my head
Tell me they know best
Got me on the edge
they're pushin', pushin',
they're pushin'
I know they've got a plan
But the balls in my hands
This time its man-to-man,
I'm driving, fighting inside

A world that's upside down
Spinning faster
What do I do now? Without you

I don't know, where to go, what's the right team?
I want my own thing. So bad I'm gonna Scream!
I can't choose, so confused! What's it all mean?
I want my own dream. So bad I'm gonna Scream!
Fookin' up planets!
May 12th, 2009, 09:48 AM
What a waste of film. I would rather have my balls stapled to my eyelids then watch this film.
The Moxie Nerve Food Tonic
May 12th, 2009, 10:26 AM
Okay, so that means you haven't seen the film so you don't know and I'll wager you've never had your bag stapled anywhere.
O HAI!!!!!!
May 12th, 2009, 09:30 PM
considerin my neice is like in love with the lead guy on it, cant remember his name, and I'm her ride i was forced to see this, after a mild burnin not unlike that which i get entering a church or any other holy structure i found myself ammused by the antics...and yet the darkness inside me grew until finally, a fell into a deep sleep from which i would not wake, then woke up lit a cigarette and got kicked out of the theater
May 31st, 2009, 07:41 PM
Its no Breakin... shit its not even You Got Served...
Destructo Bear
Jul 10th, 2009, 01:46 PM
*sigh* i've seen it but don't really remember it. I got the dvd for my birthday (way back in April) so now I need to open it and press play. don't judge me, my father and stepmum bought me 1st and 2nd movies so they bought me the third to compleate the collection.
Forum Virgin
Jul 12th, 2009, 11:45 PM
-RoG-, hand in your movie fan card because your daughters have infected your mind. This entire franchise is nothing more than a quarter-assed rip-off of Grease and flaunts Disney's recent creative bankruptcy. Granted, Disney's live action movies were never its strong suit, even in the Walt Disney days... but they're relying more than ever on them and manufactured celebrities.

Also, Zac Efron has made it clear that he wants to move on from this series and become a more serious actor. Sorry, but in my book you've poisoned the well on your future acting career. A guest appearance on the new season of Entourage won't change my mind.

One more thing, -RoG-: If your daughters like the Jonas Brothers, you have failed as a parent.
Jul 13th, 2009, 12:00 AM
Mr. Barr, you're a mother? Congratulations!
Forum Virgin
Jul 13th, 2009, 03:02 AM
Whoops, accidentally called the reviewer -RoG- without checking who wrote the review first. Replace -RoG- with "Mr. Burbank" and you'll have my correct response.
Jul 13th, 2009, 03:05 AM
Thank God! I thought he might try to collect child support from one of us.
The Moxie Nerve Food Tonic
Jul 13th, 2009, 04:50 PM
My daughters loathe the brothers Jonas. And you're wrong about my Zaccy.