Artist: "Ween"
Album: "The Mollusk"
Genre: Alternative Rock
Label: Elektra

Reviewer: Esuohlim
Posted: 11/13/2010

Review: This music review goes out to what's-his-name who said The Mollusk was his favorite, right after I petulantly decided to write a Ween review because the other what's-his-name told me not to. You guys are the best!

Ween are those motherfuckers you hated back in high school. Never mind the fact that by now Gene Ween and Dean Ween are 40-years-old and fat and gross, you can still look at them 20 years later and recognize that they are both still elitist, smug, pretentious pricks. Of course if you listen to Ween then you are also one of these people yourself and you just don't know it yet. The thing is, Ween actually are geniuses and their attitudes are somewhat justified. This doesn't make you want to punch one of them in the face any less when, say, you're watching a Youtube video of one of their college radio interviews.

The thing about Ween is that they are very good at creating emotionally resonant music without putting an ounce of emotion into it. Just about everything they do is contrived and artificial, but they make it sound so genuine that it's often better than real music and often more memorable and catchy than your typical shitty cookie-cutter Top 40 hit.

All right, that's enough praise (by the way, Ween fans are unbearable). Now we move on to their sixth studio album, The Mollusk, and this is where the REAL dick-sucking will begin. This album is probably their best. I'm not going to say it's OBJECTIVELY the best, but that would be stupid, but yeah, it's pretty much objectively their best. It's not my favorite Ween album, but as far as cohesion, musicmanship, and emotional resonance are concerned I definitely recognize it as their best album. (For the record, my favorite album is their first one, GodWeenSatan, which pretty damn juvenile and stupid with barely any musical merit and I LOVE it so fuck you, son).

The Mollusk is a very watery album. Give it a spin and pretend you're fighting some goddamn sharks in a submarine, or fishing in the middle of the ocean while choking on the salty and foggy air. Or, uh, washing your ass in a bathtub. Or contemplating the glass half-full/half-empty philosophy that all you insufferable Ween fans probably do in your liberal arts college dorm rooms. 14 songs, most of them have a nautical theme, and the ones that don't have such a theme don't even sound out of place. And here's the kicker, none of the songs sound alike. The diversity is amazing considering the theme that they limited themselves to, for the most part, and there's not a clunked in the mix unless you count "Pink Eye (On My Leg)", which is basically a collage of barking dogs and guttural throat noises. And it's even better than you think it is, for some odd reason. My favorite song here is "I'll Be Your Jonny On The Spot", clocking in at a mere 2 minutes and contains the most watery guitar solo you'll ever hear. It's like Dean Ween was playing guitar in the lake, man. Fuck.

Oh yeah, a special mention goes to "Buckingham Green", which is just a damn cool song and the only Ween song I can get my worthless friends to like. My friends listen to Muse. I hate Muse and I hate my friends. At least they aren't awful Ween fans, those guys are the worst.

If you're a fan of good music you should get this album. I am a fan of bad music and I still love this album, that should tell you something. 5 pickles because it really is as good as it gets, if you like good music. You do like good music, right?

Overall rating: WholeWholeWholeWholeWhole
(Scored on a 0.5 - 5 pickles rating: 0.5 being the worst and 5 being the best)

Reader Comments

Nov 13th, 2010, 05:57 PM
I didn't know you could have vulgarity in a review. I'm glad it was all directed at the ween and the people who like ween. What are they called?
Unfunny Python Reference
Nov 13th, 2010, 06:18 PM
They are called "Fuckers" I believe, but I'm not sure. I enjoy this album so much that I only listen to it during the summer months, to keep from spoiling it for myself. Thanks for the shout out BTW.
Nov 14th, 2010, 06:21 AM
I think the obvious punchline 10k was looking for was "Weenies"
Nov 14th, 2010, 12:29 PM
What a bipolar review narrative. I LOVED IT!
Sam Sam is offline
The Unicorn
Nov 14th, 2010, 01:38 PM


Nov 20th, 2010, 10:31 AM
I-Mockery has weird tastes in music.
Nov 22nd, 2010, 04:09 AM
How dare you, Nick

How dare you
Forum Virgin
Nov 27th, 2010, 11:39 AM
The only reason I know anything about this album is because "Ocean Man" is the end credits theme to the Spongebob Squarepants movie.

You can all dislike me now, but hey ..
You gotta find out about shit SOMEHOW.