"Dreamless" Zine Issue #3:
Interview with Abbreviated. Life. Expectancy.
"Dreamless" Zine Issue #3:
Interview with Abbreviated. Life. Expectancy.
| Intro: This is a 14 page interview with
them nutty guys from a band from Richmond, VA called "Abbreviated. Life.
Expectancy." Dreamless will be back in full swing next issue. Sorry we've been
lacking content lately. Well that's all. And now... A.L.E.! ("these photos were taken by Re. If you use them without her permission or the permission of ALE, you will be forced to wrestle naked with richard simmons") This is an interview with all of abbreviated. life. expectancy. This was done on 11/8/97 at 2 in the morning when -RoG- interrupted my slumber. I had to drive 2 hours in a blindfold to get to their "headquarters". It was just an abandoned warehouse. Oh yea, Chris was there too cuz he set me up. This is the whole transcript so enjoy. Word for word. Oh, yes and the views of a.l.e. don't reflect the views of Dreamless... Nor do the views of Dreamless reflect the views of a.l.e. J= me (Jeff), and C= Chris, and so forth... BEGIN INTERVIEW: J: Who is in A.L.E. and is their a story behind there existence? -RoG-: Well to start off, let me be a shitheel and correct your grammar, your first "their" should be a "there" and your second "there" should be a "their". Just kidding and to answer your question: C: Fuck grammar! -RoG-: The main members of a.l.e. are Nat Asevoli, Evanderhoef Rolnichek, and myself, -RoG-. J: Is there a story behind the name or existence of the so-called band? -RoG-: As for how we came to be, Nat Asevoli was abandoned at the age of 2 and I adopted him as my son and raised him since then. Evanderhoef did "classified" work on nuclear submarines and he nuked my house, and that's how we became friends. As for me, a tree gave birth to me, and that's why I've been sticking up for plant's rights for as long as I can remember. My mom was eaten by a vegetarian... and I will not rest until they are all dead. Nat: That's all bullshit, as you can plainly see. What really happened was that one day I was taking a nasty vegetarian bean burrito shit, and he got so mad that the stench was overwhelming his house that he hates vegetarians now. As for the band getting started, I cannot reveal that tale. Evander: Nuke 'em till they glow, then shoot 'em in the dark. C: What band(s) influenced a.l.e. the most? Nat: INTEGRITY, Menudo, Slayer, Weird Al Yankovic, Norwegian Black Metal, New Kids On The Block, Beethoven, Men At Work, Herb Alpert's Tijuana Brass, Cynic, Nocturnal Emission, E-Town Concrete, Sugar Hill Gang, Grandmaster Flash, Gorilla Biscuits, Survivor, One Life Crew, and many more... Evander: Wham Spumous Erubescent Death, Smoothie, RATT, Devo, Twisted Sister, Rick James, Journey, Confessor, Manowar, Queensryche, KMFDM, INXS, U2, A-HA, UB40, KISS, DRI, GWAR -RoG-: King Missile, The Cars, Tool, Dio, Elevator Music, Chopin, Muzak, The Goonies Soundtrack, Uh Huh, Play-Doh, Huey Lewis and The News, ABBA, The Ass Ponys J: Which would you prefer to read: the vampire chronicles or books about hippies? -RoG-: And finally... wait, we're not done with that last question! J: Oops! Sorry! -RoG-: TWO MORE BANDS! THE LEAST IMPORTANT BANDS EVER: BJORK AND THE CHIEFTAINS. Now to the next quetion: I haven't learned how to read yet. Nat: I'd rather kill hippies, and kill the bitch who writes those stupid vampire books. Evander: She's gooooooooooth! Beat her ass, Nat. C: What does bizmo mean? -RoG-: Bizmo is probably one of the favorite words of a.l.e.... I think it came to one of us in a dream about seeing intestines... I'm not sure though. I can't really say if I dreamt it or another one of us did. But I'm sure there was something aobut Eskimos in it. Nat: It stems from the word "bismosquizimanitch" that I coined myself, it has no meaning, it is a noun that I made up years ago. Evander: Nouns are good. Verbs are better. Adjectives give me indigestion. -RoG-: I still like "Bizmosquizimanicalicious!" the best. Nat: Well, mister grammar, the correct spelling is "bismosquizimanitchalicious"...There is no "z". ALL: Do you wanna know something about a.l.e.? J: Yes. Nat: Cool, so do I. So tell me. Evander: Yeah, as if I don't know anything about it. J: Well they all hate everything right? Is that safe to say? -RoG-: Our hatred is somewhere in the 90th percentile of everything on this planet... there's still a few things we like here 'n there though, but that could change at any moment. Nat: Well, I fucking hate everything. This planet is rather despicable if you ask me. Evander: I hate you. J: Alright finish this sequence of events: A guy walks up and says "I heard you been talking shit." What do you do? C: What's 4 + 4 equal? -RoG-: Wait, one at a time, what the hell is wrong with you guys? PICK A QUESTION, ASK IT, THEN WE ANSWER. DON'T FIGHT OVER QUESTIONS! CALM DOWN! Nat: Hahahahahaha. Evander: Poop. J: Mine's fine. C: Acck! Jeez. Evander: Take turns with questions and play nice. -RoG-: Ok, Jeff's question: Nat: Find them and beat their ass. Evander: I call my homies in da project of da S.O.R.K. and get them ta fuck their shit up. -RoG-: I run for the hills and find a shady tree to cry beneath. Nat: Iron Maiden was awesome, Run to the Hills was such a good song... -RoG-: Shoot, Chris (not literally, unless it's aimed at yourself) C: Ummm... Nat: It's not Jeopardy. C: Who would you most like to take a shit on? -RoG-: A toilet C: No...a specific person -RoG-: A toilet, I know this guy named "a toilet" and that's who I'd do that on. Evander: RoG likes to shit. -RoG-: Yes sir, yes I do. Nat: Morrissey. I hate that guy. He'd probably like it if I took a shit on him though, so... fuck. Evander: Yeah. That fruit probably likes a lot of faggario shit. J: Do you plan to rely on A.L.E. as a money maker? -RoG-: It's a non-profit thing. The money we get from the tapes goes towards a fun to make even more tapes but we're having fun and that's all that matters. Nat: Money? Money? If we expected to make money off this shit we would be some sick, twisted fools. Evander: It's a vicious cycle where our monetary gains fuel the NEXT GENERATION OF OUR MUSICAL ASSAULT! J: Can you ever have too much fun? -RoG-: If you have fun to the extent that it kills you, then YES, you've had too much fun. Nat: I do not know the meaning of the word fun. Evander: Is that "fun" or "phun"? -RoG-: The term "phun" is only used by pathetic hippies. So I would HOPE he's asking about "fun". Nat: Who fucking cares? I'm tired of talking about retarded hippies. J: What would too much fun be in your opinion, can you give me an example? -RoG-: Going on a roller coaster that wasn't completed yet. Nat: Define this "fun" that you speak of? Evander: Eating Cheezy Poofs. Nat: Yes! Cheezy Poofs rule! C: Ummm... where's the love? -RoG-: In a hippie... a dead hippie and it's crap like Hanson and other stuff that makes the 90's suck. Nat: What is this a fucking Hallmark card? Next question. Evander: Hallmark at my balls. J: What was your favorite time period? ALL THREE IN UNISON: THE EIGHTIES! J: Why the 80's? J: Forget that... C: Why wouldn't it be the 80's, Jeff... are you stupid? ALL THREE IN UNISON: WE REFUSE TO ANSWER THAT. J: This is a goddamn interview ahhh! You're supposed to answer questions J: It was Debbie Gibson, wasn't it? -RoG-: Isn't Debbie Gibson one of the spice girls now? I'm still pissed about selling all my old He-Man and Robo-Force figures. Nat: Debbie Gibson will always be a stupid whore. Electric Youth my ass. Evander: The Bangles kick Debbie Gibson's sorry ass. J: Do you want to talk about your web site? -RoG-: Sure! Nat: No, not really. Evander: Don't look at me in that tone of voice. J: What does it have? -RoG-: Live pictures from St. Edward's, lyrics, a section for ordering tapes, band info, etc. J: Why is the bio so long? You guys were pretty lucky... Nat: Because the story behind a.l.e. is a LONG story, and we thought the truth needed to be told, yeah we were damn lucky, I'm surprised we made it this far, the band has roots all over the world. Evander: Because, we've been around for 50 years, what the fuck do you think? You think it's gonna be one paragraph and that's it? Shit... -RoG-: I'm just pissed that I wasn't in the band when A.L.E. toured with Billy Ocean back in the days of "Get out of my dreams, get into my car." J: What's the address for the site and what else is on it besides the bio? ALL: Our page can be found at http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Alley/9962. C: Are the rumor I hear about ALE breaking up soon after a European tour true? Evander: Umm, the last time we were in Europe, we were in Norway and were accosted by a bunch of skinny black metal guys wearing corpse pain, prancing around in the woods with Bambi. RoG: I hate the French. Nat: I hate Europe, I don't even have enough money to get down the street. How the hell am I going to get to Europe anyway? Fuck Europe. Evander: Europe was a cool band. Errr... don't print that. Nat: No way! Europe rules! It's the final countdown, do do do dooooo, do-do do-do doooooo, do do do doooooo, do-do do-do-do-do... -RoG-: I don't think he cares Evander, he's gonna print it and you're going to be a mockery yet again. C: What about the tour of Antarctica? How'd that go? -RoG-: Antarctica... I hate Antarctica. I lost a spelling bee in the first grade cuz I forgot to put the first "c" in it. So, it's safe to say I completely resent AntarCtica. Evander: That was GWAR you moron. -RoG-: My parents wouldn't let me go anyway. Nat: It's too warm there. C: What's the meaning of life? J: Hmmm...quick, Chris... pull a question out of your hat! -RoG-: Chris, as me about my experience with trust funds. C: So... what is your experience with trust funds? -RoG-: TRUST FUNDS?!?! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!?!? C: What do you think about Motley Crue? Evander: Wham glam, thank you ma'am. J: Can you feel the metal? Nat: Motley Crue is awesome. I'm all about "Live Wire" and "Looks that Kill", they were my favorite band in elementary school. And "18 and Life" is one of the best songs ever. Skid Row was hilarious. Ricky was a young boy, he had a heart of stone... J: Guns N Roses, don't forget them. Evander: Guns N' Wankers. Woo hoo! -RoG-: Well, I like Queensryche, check out their album "Rage For Order"... look at the pictures, that'll answer your question. But, I also must thank Jani Lane of Warrant, because he had a small, humorous role in "High Strung", so he at least did ONE good thing with his life. Evander: My loins burn with the fires of metal! J: Hey! Speaking of the movie, what is "High Strung" about? -RoG-: If you don't know, you will burn in hell. It's the best movie ever. Nat: I refuse to answer that question, find out for yourself. J: Damn you people. Did you see Steve's special? Evander: Of course we saw it. What kind of question is that? ALL: No more questions about Steve Oedekerk or High Strung. We refuse to answer any more. J: Fine then, I didn't want to know anyway. C: Ummm... RoG, would you go out with Jeff if you had the chance? J: Bad question. -RoG-: If he took me bowling, and promised to buy me an expensive dinner at Waffle House. I might consider a "one night stand" with him. Then again, Re would kill him (and me) afterwards so I dunno. C: Did your parents beat you as a child? -RoG- My mom was a tree, I told you, she was eaten. She never had the chance to beat me. Nat: Yes, I was beaten like a fucking circus mule ever since I was 5 years old. I still have scars on my pinky toe. Evander: Yes, Mistress!!! Beat me!! Errr... where was I? C: Do you ever get diarrhea? -RoG-: Only when I try too. It's not cheap though. Plus, you have to be over 21 to buy that stuff. Diarrhea isn't cheap you know. Nat: Everyday. Right now, as a matter of fact. Evander: You should just get that checked, Nat. J: ok talk about the a.l.e. mission... -RoG-: First, we want to release a second tape. We follow the What About Bob "baby steps" program... We do one small thing at a time. But we just want to either make people laugh or piss them off. If we can give somebody a good time at a really cheap price for free, then that's cool. Nat: My mission, should I choose to accept it, is to track down Aaron Spelling and kill his entire family, thus saving the land of TV. Evander: Yes. And open his mansion to the homeless, as per the Neo-Evil 2000 proposition. Nat: Yes, Neo-Evil 2000 will make return... More hate in 98. J: What made you decide to piss people off for fun? -RoG-: We didn't decide to piss people off, We decided to write about and performs things that we felt were funny. It just so happens that some people get pissed off, but a good percentage of the people out there get a bunch of laughs, so it all evens out. Nat: I decided. Evander: I didn't. J: Oh, really speaking of that do you think you'll talk about that in your new tape? Evander: Uh yeah, I dunno. J: When is the new tape coming out? Nat: Next question. J: The tape question. Nat: The tape will be out when it's finished. Evander: We strive to achieve perfection in our material so we can't be rushed with the production of this shining pearl of musical ingenuity. We're currently building our own 24-track digital recording studio in a downtown Richmond apartment. -RoG-: Actually, they're lying assholes. The tape is done, we're just never going to let you hear it. I want that Steve Urkel look-a-like guy from "Ipecac" to be on our next tape. He was one of the only guys in Richmond that has ever earned any respect from me. He was insane. J: Let's talk about your first show: battle of the bands at St. Edwards: What went on there? Evander: "Shit!" (Evander yells, "NO, DON'T TYPE THAT!") It was a sonic assault of unadulterated noise. I liked it. J: What were the judges comments? C: Ok here's a toughy, 2 + 2? C: Whoops. C: Too many questions... silly me. -RoG-: When the scores on our judge sheets ranged from a "10" on "Originality" to a "0" on "Talent", you know we had to be the best thing there. I mean, jeez, we set a leaf-blower on fire and even had Mrs. Santa Claus there that I made-out with, and we had every instrument ever made. What else do you want from us? J: Piggy back rides. -RoG-: I guess I answered your judge question. C: Haha. C: Do you play bagpipes? -RoG-: I have full intentions of learning them as soon as I have $2,000 to spare for a set of them. Nat: All I have to say is that we didn't come in last, and I feel sorry for the bands that came in after us. Actually, no I don't, fuck them, they sucked. Evander: One judge wrote something on our score sheet to the effect of: "This is the band that parents should keep their kids away from". I find that flattering. J: What place did you guys come in? Evander: Second to last. Which is sad, because we were total noise (not playing anything from our tape) and whichever band that was that we beat had to be pretty damned horrible and when they announced the winner, we all jumped up and down in glory as if we had won! C: By you wearing a skirt at the battle of the bands, were you getting in touch with your feminine side? -RoG-: As for the 'skirt', if I hear one more person call my KILT a SKIRT I'll bash them in the heed with me' shilalae! (that's Scottish for, I'll kill the bastard who calls my kilt a skirt, in case you guys are stupider than I thought) Nat: That was great. Fuck Sean Connery, and the Highlander... J: Hey look at the hardcore boy. C: Shut up, Jeff. C: I think you shoulda had some cheese at the show... that would have made you win. All three members in perfect unison: That's not a question, besides, we sold our tapes so who cares? We still can't believe people bought them all after that noise-fest. C: I bought the tape hoping for more noise... do you ever intend on doing a tape that is strictly noise? -RoG-: There's plenty of noise on our tape. Listen to "Goodbye", "Airport Requiem in the key of Ambient D Minor". C: Yeah... but not enough... I mean STRICTLY noise... Nat: You mean noise like PSYWARFARE, MERZBOW, or CRACKHEAD??? I have tons of stuff like that, but I don't know if we will use any of it at all. C: No, no. Like the show! Psywarfare isn't what I'm talking about... Evander: I don't see why not, it's probably beter than the shit we have right now. J: Do you see yourselves as a rock star or are you still rummaging through trash for food after that show? -RoG-: We're rock stars who rummage through trash for food. Evander: Where's my beer? Nat: Rock stars? Next question. C: If I could get you a show at Twister's... would you play it? -RoG-: If Twisters would let us play, you're damned straight we'd play there. We now ask ALL of you (all 5 who actually read this shitty magazine) to call Twisters and tell them to book abbreviated. life. expectancy. We will put GWAR's outfits to shame if we play Twister's guaranteed. All hell will break loose. Let the beast out. Nat: Yeah, all that plus we'll kill people. But I think it would be ourselves that we would be putting to shame. Evander: Sheeeit, we be all up in that jiggity janx muthafucka. J: How many? Nat: As many as it takes. J: Can ale do Broadway? C: Would you be willing to submit a letter seeking help to the conflict manager? -RoG-: After attending Helga's School of Acting/Lying, I don't know about the other guys, but I can speak for myself when I say... YES. Nat: Fuck no, Broadway sucks, I hate the theatre and I hate drama fruits Evander: Broadway is full of faggoty fruit biznatches who prance around on the stage because they try to act all deep 'n shit but really look like a bunch of fucking morons. FRUITS. J: What do you like? -RoG-: Not these two guys, or you for that matter, leave me alone. ALL: What do we like? Evander: The puppet show at Chuck-E-Cheese, those homies can bust some mad rhymes. Nat: Integrity, they're the best band ever, anyone who disagrees is a fool C: Damnit! my question was first! C: Hellz yeah! Integrity is incredible! -RoG-: ONE FUCKING QUESTION AT A TIME BITCH. Evander: Next Question please, paging Mister Floogleman, next question please. J: I'm learning. C: DAMMIT! -RoG-: DamNit. Learn to spell. C: YOU DIDN'T ANSWER MY FUCKING QUESTION!!!! ALL: Ask the question then. C: Would you be willing to submit a letter seeking help to conflict manager? -RoG-: ONE OF YOU PICK A QUESTION FOR US TO ANSWER, THIS IS CUTTING INTO EVANDER'S BEER TIME. Nat: What the fuck is the conflict manager? C: Like... a thing that can help with your problems... it's new in Dreamless issue 2. All: (no wonder we didn't answer yer question, it didn't even make sense) ALE: Ok, here's our answer to the conflict manager question first: Nat: Yeah sure, then we'll run your magazine just like we run that stupid Richmond music journal. But since we never read Dreamless 1, I don't get it... Evander: We don't need no stinking conflict manager, got that champ? C: Yeah... but Dreamless isn't as dumb as RMJ... so HA! -RoG-: I've been agonizing with my inner turmoil ever since I was a wee lad, there's no hope for me. Nat: That remains to be seen. C: Shut up... wait... this isn't my zine... HA! Evander: Whitey must pay. Nat: I'd pay, but I don't have any fucking money -RoG-: Fuck, who left the milk outta the fridge again!?!? ALE: Next question. J: Why are you always oppressing whitey? Evander: Because we're white like a t-shirt that's white Nat: Because we're white like a "toof", did you get that? I said a "toof". -RoG-: I'm actually Asian. J: Ew man. ALE: Next question. C: Do you really think carpets have feelings? -Rog-: Didn't you read the lyrics to "Tragedy of The Carpet"? Of course they do! Nat: I don't even have carpet. C: What I'm wondering... is that serious? Evander: I am a carpet and I'm fucking pissed off. J: You guys got some wacky songs like "Ode to Boo Berry" and "I've Got My Mind Set On You (hardcore version)" where do your writing inspirations come from? everyday life? -RoG-: That depends on who yer asking. The boo berry and carpet ones I wrote a while ago when I was bored, and when we started a.l.e. I thought, "gee, why don't I break out that stuff and put it to song." So that's how a lot of that stuff went. I just wrote it without expecting to put it to song. But there's still plenty that was done on the spot. I think I had the most fun doing the "Sandpaper Man" ones... because that was more like writing a script instead of lyrics. As for where I get my inspiration... your guess is as good as mine. Nat: I am inspired by death and destruction, and by Strawberry Shortcake toys, and of course, the pink ranger... J: Ok well what do you think is the secret of life where does a.l.e. fit in? ALE: Next questionaire. Nat: Didn't you already ask that question??? J: Did I? Or is your mind acting up again? -RoG-: The secret of life can be found in our tapes. If you don't buy them, then you're gonna be left out... idiots. J: Why are you so hostile to your fans? Evander: I've got a hold on you, got a hold on you, got a hold on you tonight. Uh oh, it's magic! When I'm with you! Uh oh, it's magic! Just a little magic and you know it's true! -RoG-: Because anybody that likes us is obviously stupid. Nat: I'm hostile to everyone. J: Really... ya like that Pantera song "Fucking Hostile". Evander: Functionless art is simply tolerated vandalism, we are the vandals. Nat: Pantera fucking sucks, they're always gonna be a fucking glam band like they used to be. -RoG-: I saw a picture of Phil Anselmo listening to a Boy George tape. ALE: Next question. J: Can you tell me about Meatarianism? -RoG-: Meatatarianism. I started the idea of Meatatarianism a while ago, many people mistake it with carnivorous diets, but it's more than that. Meatatarianism isn't just about eating meat, it's about sticking up for the rights of plants. Plants give us air and we need that air to live. Hence, we shouldn't kill plants AND we SHOULD kill vegetarians for eating them and reducing our oxygen supply AND cows eat grass AND release harmful gasses into the air, hence damaging our ozone AND reducing oxygen. HENCE, cows must die too. Plus, meat tastes dandy. So Meatatarianism is about enjoying the tasty beef and destroying anybody who wishes to harm plants. The plants have suffered long enough, just like the carpets, now their vengeance is near. I'm just trying to get more people involved in Meatatarianism... it's a fun hobby and tastes better than flower paste and rice cakes and bark. Nat: I don't even eat meat, making me a vegetarian, and I think rice cakes are damned tasty. Not to mention the fact that the animals -RoG- speaks so highly of eating would all be dead if not for EATING PLANTS, so his theory makes little sense. But... I digress. Evander: Animals are tasty. -RoG-: Yeah, but if you read deeper into my Meatatarianism writings, you'd see that one of the main reasons I eat animals is to PUNISH THEM FOR EATING PLANTS. Learn to read you heel... Nat: But the point is, without eating plants the animals would die of disease and malnutrition, and you would have nothing to eat in the first place, other than PLANTS!! C: Do you think you'll ever do a video for MTV? Or how about major labels? Do they come up to you want to book you? J: Do you think you'll end up like Heaven's Gate. -RoG-: Can a vegetarian eat animal crackers? C: Ummmm... I think so? Nat: No and no. But as for animal crackers, sure. J: Ahh I see do you guys think that you could be a serious band ever? -RoG-: MTV has already showed a.l.e. live videos from when they were talking about touring with Wang Chung, but instead went with Billy Ocean. Evander: eMpTyV? -RoG-: Ok, next question, could we ever be a serious band? -RoG-: Why the hell would we WANT to be a serious band? Nat: In all seriousness, no. Evander: Band? What band!? -RoG-: Comedy is ESSENTIAL. J: Do you think comedy heals the world? -RoG-: Heals the world? Shut up you hippie. Nat: Fuck the world, 'cause the world fucked me. (E-Town Concrete, suckas...) Evander: I grab the world by it's throat, and make it suck my fucking dick! (E-Town Concrete, bitch...) -RoG-: Next question: A.L.E.: So, a.l.e., how high is your phone bill? C: Wait a sec... -RoG-: I use pay phones only. Rotary all the way baby! Nat: I don't even have a phone. C: We're doing the asking here! J: What? Evander: Hey why did we just ask ourselves a question? -RoG-: We'll do what we damn well want, buddy boy. J: Who is you guys' dream girl? C: Are you writing the fucking zine now too?!?!?@#?!?@ -RoG-: Um, I'm married. Her name's Re and if she actually saw what my dream girl was, she'd probably kill me. So, I can't answer because she's right here looking at me and ready to kill. Nat: That was so sweet, hahaha, you sorry bastard. That girl who used to be the "Pink Ranger" on the Power Rangers is my dream girl, she ruled. J: Do you dream in color? Evander: I have one now. And stop calling her, she's mine. -RoG-: I don't dream. Evander: Yeah, I have nightmarea about Ted Turner. Nat: Seeing as how my dream girl is the PINK ranger, I would have to dream in COLOR, or else it could be one of those fucking guys. J: That's bad. Evander: Ted Turner's colorized classics... that's all I gotta say. C: Hahahaha... Nat: What's bad? You saying the pink ranger's bad? What are you, a fairy!? Do you like the RED ranger? THE PINK RANGER IS HOT! She was just... shit... she's awesome... C: The pink ranger was a lesbian. ALE: a.l.e., Is it true that you called Jeff's mom at 2am to wake him up for this interview??? -RoG-: Yeah, she was very, very mad. I bet he got spanked before he conducted this interview. J: Quiet. No one needs to know. Nat: The pink ranger was not a lesbian, she was fantastic. Evander: No, I just called his mom. J: She wasn't mad. C: The pink ranger WAS a lesbian. She was too masculine to be a girl. She was a riot grrl. Nat: You're just mad because she could beat your ass. Fuck riot grrls, she was just a beefed up girl who could bitch slap you all over the place, fool. C: Don't you know anthing? Evander: Go Beetle Borgs! C: Pink ranger was a riot grrl. Nat: Did you see that TV movie with that girl who was the pink ranger in it as a gymnast? She is a bad ass... she was not a lesbian, she is hot... J: Was that the first pink ranger? Nat: Yeah, I think, she's on some other show now, 90210 or some shit, fuck that. But either way, she got my vote. C: ...a man-hating dyke! J: I'm gonna punt you... hahaha chris please don't punt me! Nat: What's with this "punt" shit? Are we playing soccer? Anyway, I will never have a chance to meet her anyway, but she is hot as hell, her and the girl Jennifer Love Hewitt from Party of Five... hell yeah... C: Really... you don't want me to punt you... Nat: I'm trying to talk pink ranger here, what is the problem fellas? And what is this "punt" shit? -RoG-: Ahem... Nat: Don't make me bust out the MURDARIO STOMP! J: I don't know what's happening... pink ranger is hot... proceed what happened to her is she acting anymore? J: Murdario stomp? Nat: Murdario Stomp is a bad ass song by One Life Crew. C: Fuck One Life Crew!!! Fucking racist shits... Nat: Oh shit, it's on now... One Life Crew fucking rules you poser. You can't handle it. They have Jewish people in the band. They're not racist. They have only one white member. Contrary to what millions of emo kids would like to believe, they are not a racist band... Evander: (cough cough) C: They are racist. That's why they were kicked off of Victory. Racist pieces of shit... Nat: No they are not, one of them is in a metal band with black guys, I think they are called Suffer System, they are not racist that is bullshit rumors, don't fall for that... How can a bunch of Jewish guys be "white power"? Fuck racism, I'm against all that shit, but OLC is not racist... Evander: Victory sucks. C: Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever you say... Nat: No, they were kicked off for beating the shit out of some kid that called them fat Jews, and they did not beat him, their friends did, don't fall for the hype... Don't believe bullshit hardcore rumors. That is ignorant. C: I've heard stuff about hardcore fests where they've fucked with people... and shit like that. Nat: But what you've heard and what is TRUE are two very different things. -RoG- and Evander: OK... UMM... ALE HERE. YOU REMEMBER US? Nat: Whatever... J: Hmmm well speaking of the technicolor dreamcoat what would be your ideal dinner but you have to incorporate a.l.e.'s tape in there somewhere. C: And this is from friends... and my cousin... -RoG-: I prefer Pasta Roni, it's cheap, affordable, and tastes great. Nat: We eat a.l.e. tapes all the time. J: Do they have... FIBER!? Evander: I don't understand the question. Honestly, I don't. J: Like a dreamdate love connetion thing. C: Safety dance on MTV... hahahahaha. J: Any funny a.l.e. stories you'd like to share? -RoG-: Ok, a long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, short time ago, our band had this gig in a cave. These miners were sick and tired of chippin' away at the rocks without any rhythm. We offered to play some music for them, and it actually worked out greate until the whole place caved in. Luckily we got out, but the poor bastards all died. It was hilarious..... Death is funny. Nat: We had this show one time in Texas, and we were playing in the basement of the Alamo. For one of our stage props, we had that terrorist group "Hamas" make us some of those bombs that have all the nails in them.... so we set those off halfway through the set. And they tore all these people to shreds.... so we had all these crazy drunk Texans running out of the Alamo like bats out of hell. Evander: I was drunk. We played somewhere, sometime, and I woke up next to Ted Turner and he said "You have a purpose. You have a dream." and um, and he teouched me. J: Have any of you guys ever been put in a insane asylum. -RoG-: You should actually ask, "Have any of you ever been RELEASED from an 'insane asylum?'" and the answer would be, "No, but we did escape..." J: Was it very theatrical like the "Shawshank Redemption" escape? -RoG-: I love that fucking movie, you can't associate that movie with this band. We're nowhere near the league of coolness that that movie is at.... Nat: I know not what you speak of. Evander: Beefcake! ALE: Next. J: I'm sorry how about Ace Ventura then? ALL IN UNISON: FUCK MOVIES, AND THAT MOVIE REFERS TO STEVE OEDEKERK (HE WROTE ACE VENTURA), SO WE WON'T ANSWER ANYWAY. J: Damn it, damn it, damn it! Who's better at video games in the band? J: Is there a a.l.e. video game in the making? J: Doll? Evander: Yeah it was Finaly Fantasy VII. I rule that bitch. And GoldenEye is TERRIBLE. Quake 2 is better than that shitty game. N64 blows as well. -RoG-: Well, if there's a cheat in the "newer games" that I can piss off other people with, then I"ll play them. Otherwise, it's the old games for me only. I play my Intellivision system daily, fuck this new game shit... I can get 100 Intellivision games for 30 bucks, let's see you do that with your nintendoshit. C: Intellivision was the best!!!!!! Evander: Our video game on the a.l.e. site isn't up yet, but it's gonna be up soon. It's called: "Chicken, Dog, or Truck?" and it's a product of one of our associates Willie T. (see the S.O.R.K.) We'll be giving out stupid prizes for anybody who can successfully complete the game. J: What will it be like? Evander: You'll have to wait and see... don't expect it to be some pansy game... it will tax your brain to the max. C: Do you like to read? -RoG-: Yes, I love it. Reading is fun, and Mr.T would approve of it just like he approved of milk and big heavy gold chains. I like some philosophy stuff though. Like Diogenes "the cynic".... he spent his days searching for an honest man. He never found one.... I think that's pretty realistic. Evander: Yes. My favorite books are Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series. It's awesome. Fucking hilarious. J: Do you try to search for a honest nma? -RoG-: What's a nma? -RoG-: I don't search for an honest man. I do search for an honest hubcap though. Hubcaps can lie without any regrets much like man. C: What other kinds of books you read? Nat: I like to read crazy religious propaganda. Like HOLY TERROR stuff, and stuff about the ancient ones, and Satan, all kinds of funny stuff. -RoG-: The Cynic's Dictionary... it's my bible. C: Ever read any Gandhi stuff? Nat: NO. Click here to see this insane interview's exciting conclusion! |