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Title: Contra (5th Review)
Author:Konami
Rom Player: NESticle
Reviewer: Damien_DCLXVI
Synopsis: Ok I know I’m going to be VERRY alone on this but contra, while really fun and great, is not made well. the game is AWESOME but that is a miracle since it was done so crappily.
ill get to that later but for now ill just start on an easier subject, why its so F*ucked up. This game makes no sense, you I know a Nintendo game that was conceived while on drugs? I found it hard to believe but its gotta be true. First off if your fighting "aliens" as the "story" would have u believe then why is everything u fight a human? There are a total of 5 alien-esque things in this game I swear. Also if u shoot a hole into a giant alien's chest are you gonna jump in assuming there is a [crappy] base mission? I wouldn’t but hey I also wouldn’t eat shrooms thinking I would grow 2 times my size so I suppose I have no video game logic.
Now back to the crap. I always hear people praising the base levels. Newsflash they really suck. Ok it’s 3-D... but you are stuck side-scrolling from side to side until you kill all the enemies? Ahhhh the power ups! Yeah, I loved the machine guns and the spray… Ohh my god that was the greatest ever, then there were the REST of the power ups. I’ll start with the obvious "R" I don’t know what this is. I THOUGHT it was the rifle you start with but when you pick it up, there will never be any change, leading me to believe the R stands for Really pointless. Then there is "B." I swear to god, strawberry clock made this one. It is, in essence, the ultimate power up; it makes you invincible for a REALLY long time, but why B? Invincibility doesn’t start with B, neither does anything else that would make sense. "F" flame thrower, I got that but why does it absolutely suck? Have you ever seen a slower-moving flame in your life? I mean holy crap wtf is with this? Ok, as bad as that is, there is still the laser... ohh my god the laser. It fires ONE SHOT AT A TIME and unless you have god-like Contra aim, you will miss with that shot and be officially declared SOL. Under no circumstances should another shot be fired! You will have a laser saw. A useless laser saw.
And remember it’s an NES game, so there is gonna be the standard buggy crap. Example: the second to last boss is a giant robot who is the same color as the floor. Ok, only 8 colors no problem with that I guess, but then he gets hurt, and he and the floor change color... this is weird but to be expected as he is the same damn color as the floor and they have to change them both right? Then after you really dish it out, he becomes red (like all good bossed) but the floor... STAYS THE SAME. They changed the floor last time just to mess with the colors or because they SUCK at making normal games. But this pales in comparison to one other enemy. The screwed up plow on the new level. When you shoot the cannon it makes the "you hit a weak point" sound. But no matter times u hit it with a gun it will not die! NEVER EVER EVER ever everevereverever eeeeeevvvvveeeeerrrrrr!
Anyways, despite all the crap I dished out to this game, it still ROCKS! Why, you ask? It’s a great side-scrolling shooting game and it’s addictive like crack. If you want to disprove me, try this game then try crack. I bet you will wish you had stuck with Contra. You try it, then send pictures, because people on crack make fun conversations.
Best Cheats: if you dont know the CONTRA CODE at this point in your life u are screwed.
Game Play: 7
Graphics: 9
Music/Sound: 8
Originality: 8
Overall Rating: 8
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