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Title: Ikari Warriors
Author:SNK
Rom Player: NESticle
Reviewer: Andy "Draz"
Synopsis: Ikari Warriors- An Abomination on the Face of the Earth.
The writing on the inside cover of the game says not to clean with alcohol. I agree. You’re going to need all of it to survive this traumatic experience.
The Story: “Paul and Vince are warriors with secret orders to invade an enemy nation. Working together as a team, they must fight for survival against a relentless onslaught of enemies!” Now, you would believe that any game using the word “onslaught” in its introduction would be a good one, right? Wrong. Paul and Vince botch the job and crash their plane two seconds after takeoff (KNEW we should’ve put fuel in it) and have to work their way to South America from their backyard. Actually, it may just be Paul. Depending on whether or not you choose a two player game, Vince may die horribly in the wreckage and refuse to leave it. Sissy whiner. I myself think Paul shot him for singing that “bottles of beer on the wall” song. Either way, neither one has a shirt, attempting to do a cheap rip-off of Rambo™.
Day One: It’s taken me two hours, but I’m almost through level one. God, I can’t STAND that music anymore. And why does everything look THE SAME! My KINGDOM for a guard with a mustache or something. Even Paul looks like Vince! Only difference is that Paul is Red and Vince is Blue... or the other way around.... I think my sister’s playing Vince on player two, but I think she wandered off an hour ago. Haven’t really turned to look. Oh great, another tank exiting procedure....
So what do YOU have to defend all of free democracy and bumper stickers with slogans?... A machine gun with limited ammo and a few grenades.... Think about that. The U.S. government puts Paul and Vince, two highly questionable people to begin with, in the middle of evil enemy nation territory, and they don’t even have the decency to give them unlimited ammo on their basic weapon?!?!? I HATE DEMOCRATS!!!! Even in the Metal Gear game, Snake at LEAST got unlimited punches if he needed it. We have President Reagan to thank for that. Paul and Vince can’t even PUNCH if they run out of ammo. They’re pansies. That, and their grenades are square and so are their bullets. Meanwhile, the opposition has tanks, choppers, troops, bigger tanks, mines, eggplant wizards, flying monkeys, and Luigi. They aren’t going to lose.
Day Two: I really have to pee. Not just any need, an ALL MIGHTY URGE!!!... I can’t stop playing this. Some kind of masochistic need to continue. I can’t remember what level one was like. Am I still on level one? I can’t remember. All looks the same to me. By my calculations, I’ve killed half the Nintendo world population by now. 3.3 Billion Nintendo people. Must carry on. Gee, I wish I knew WHY I was invading. It just said secret orders. I wish there was an overriding purpose.... wait.... what if.... I’m invading the GOOD GUYS?!? That’s it, I refuse to march any further until I find out!!!.... can’t.... let go... of the up arrow. Permanently lodged there to keep Paul...err... Vince... going.
The basic training of Paul and Vince also seems to be lacking. They can’t drive enemy tanks without dying. The problem is that B fires and the control pad and A control the direction of firing while at the same time pressing A followed by B will leave the tank and pressing B followed by A with explode it AND if the tank runs out of gas it will automatically explode. Often players will self-destruct tanks when simply attempting to leave them. Tanks also can’t go into rivers or the sea, making the simple leaving procedure even more often confused with the exploding one in the lukewarm heat of battle.
On top of this, Paul and Vince haven’t seen the inside of a gym since a dodgeball pounded their brains to pemmican in 6th grade dodgeball. Neither one can run faster than your choice of a newborn baby, a 300 year old man, or a Ford Pinto. The Doc from Punch-Out should bike in front of them and make them wear pink jogging suits to run faster. And the distance they have to travel... I haven’t even walked that far. And seeing that they’re about 1/100 the size of me, that’s a long way.
Day 586.3: YES!!!!!! I BEAT IT!!!! THE BOSS WAS INCREDIBLY BORING, SAT THERE, AND JUST SHOT AT ME, BUT I BEAT IT!!!!! What?.... the power’s been out for three days?
Let this game be a lesson to all you prospective world dictators out there: If you’re going to invade an evil enemy nation, don’t send two overweight, sweaty, ugly, undereducated, overestimated, dimwitted misanthropes like Paul and Vince against overwhelming odds. All we can pray for now is that someday, out there in the dense jungle, Paul and Vince find some shirts to put on, the decency to wear them, and a different song to play during battles.
“Ninety nine bottles of beer on the... BLAM!”
Best Cheats: Nothing Entered
Game Play: 1
Graphics: 3
Music/Sound: 1
Originality: 1
Overall Rating: 2
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