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Title: Golden Axe 3
Author:Sega
Rom Player: Gens
Reviewer: Chad Johnson
Synopsis: In a medieval land, four warriors (including a man and woman, a giant and some sort of half man, half cat creature), go out in search of the Golden Axe, in order to bring peace to the land, which is apparently in turmoil. All of this you learn from a dwarf at the beginning of the game, although I was a little distracted by the fact that the dwarf sort of looked like the priest at my old school who got arrested for kiddyfiddling. But I digress....
In all probability, this has to be the most homosexual game I have ever seen, on any console, in the history of mankind (not including the 'Megafag' NES hack I downloaded)
It’s not that the game is bad or anything like that, quite the contrary, actually. It’s just that every single character throughout the game looks like a reject from a gay pride parade. To stress this point even further, let’s take a closer look at some of these characters, shall we?
First up, you have your basic troopers. These guys can be spotted wearing nothing but a pair of tight, colourful spandex shorts, large matching boots, and a helmet that sort of looks like a condom.
Next is the 'fat dwarf'. These fun little fellers dress in pretty much the same clothes as your basic troopers, but can be identified by the fact that they are short and somewhat obese. Their main attack consists of running towards you and throwing themselves onto you (something that seemed to happen quite a bit at the last Sydney gay and lesbian Mardi gras.)
The four characters you get to choose from at the beginning of the game are all pretty much half naked. There’s a guy in his underpants, a giant man in his underpants and chains (kinky perhaps?), a half naked woman, and a cat/man in underpants.
Even the bosses fell victim to the homoerotic overtones throughout the game. The knights you fight are often wearing either bright green or pink, and carry weapons that look more like large colourful dildoes than they do swords. But at least these guys are fully clothed. There are very few bosses in this game, apart from these knights, that wear anything other than underwear or bright spandex. Even the final boss, the evil monster who has brought chaos and death to the land, and wields the mighty Golden Axe, wears tight blue jocks. I guess the makers figured that if they gave the final boss some small shred of heterosexuality, it would make him too different from the rest of the game, and instead gave him the campiest clothing they could possibly think of.
If it weren't for all of these homosexual references throughout Golden Axe 3, I think I would have enjoyed it a bit more. I have lost countless lives from simply taking one look at the fat black dwarf in white spandex and falling over with laughter, thereby ruining my chances of being able to beat the uber-homo at the end.
Overall, this is a good game that can be finished in just over an hour, depending on which route you take. But Jesus H Tapdancing Christ, there is only so much purple spandex I can handle in one game.
Best Cheats: Nothing Entered
Game Play: 7
Graphics: 4
Music/Sound: 5
Originality: 4
Overall Rating: 7
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