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Archives - 1/14/04


Well, folks, it's been a goodly long time, but the old Doctor is back ‘in'. I'd tell you what I'd been up to that had kept me away from your cards and letters, but then I'd have to kill you. I'm kidding of course. I went on a bender and am still trying to put together a paper trail of how I got to Morocco. Along the way I seem to have picked up a minor bullet wound which is healing nicely thanks, a necklace made from the vertabrae and skull of what I think is a Ferret and a mute Arab boy named Mamdu who according to the little English he can write is my 'Bond Servant'. All very amusing when you concider the last thing I can recall was embarking on a weekend trip to Disneyworld. In any eventuality, I'll answer some letters as long as I'm here. That's what you pay me for. I'm kidding gain. Bastards.

For years I have had constant stomach pains, they are mostly in my upper chest doctors say their is nothing wrong, everyday I take some sort of antacid do you have any suggestions?

Sure, Lee. Firstly, I suggest you learn the difference between your stomach and your upper chest. Then get back to me if you don't die.

Hello you bastard. I know where you live. I know what's your hobby. I know every tiny aspect of your damned life you could think of. I'm going to hung you up into the ceiling with your intestines, then make you eat your bottle-like head -- and not in an oral way. I will make a pool of blood of your own and dance on it, with you watching whilw slightly dying. You are warned.
-Sneaky like a Ninja

Dear Sneaky; You know that show, Jeopardy, where they ask you to 'phrase it as a question'? I'll take 'Sad Little Masturbators for a Hundred' you little freak. I'm a medical doctor, not some penny ante kiddy shrink.


Anyone can walk in water, JC. It's called wading. If you couldn't, that might be a problem. As for the multiplying bread slices, it's abnormal. The good news is, I can treat a yeast infection.

My hamster escaped from the cage last night. He found a container with the water, and he fell in there. He was in the water (cold) for about 3-4 hours. I am afraid he will get sick now. Is there anything I can do to prevent him from getting sick?

I'm not a damn veterinarian. As long as the Hamster is outside your body it's not my problem. I don't have to spell this out for you, do I?

I was getting undressed today, and I realized I had a horn in the middle of my chest. I tried to cut it with a chainsaw, but firey sparks jumped everywhere and my head turned ablaze, leaving me four-degree burns. What should I do?

Here's the thing, Scooter, it's been a while since I was in med school, but back then there were only three degrees of burns. Beyond that I can only say dellusions are normal in Tertiary Syphillis so there's nothing to be concerned about here.

My sister is a slut with no musical talent. Is there a cure for this?
-Janie Spears

Absolutely, 'Janie'. Kurt Cobain used it to cure his wife. It's a little messy but she's gotten Oscar Nominations ever since, so I think it could be worth a try. PS. "All That" has hardly been worth the old Doctor's 'private time' since Amanda left the show. You know what I'm saying.

My friend is obsessed with chickens. How can I make him hate chickens?
-Chicken Hater

Become a chicken, Johnny I don't know what a medical question is.

Every night I dream that a mutilated headless donkey runs me over. How can I stop this?
-Creek Crawfish

This is more a psychological than medical question, but I'll take a swing and say most Truckers can recommend products to keep you from sleeping ever again. Plus they love being asked.

I keep eating fast food because it makes me to fart. I think it's better to fart than to take a dump because that way, waste is expelled as gas and not as a solid, being the first scenario a more efficient and environmentally-friendlier way for the body to eliminate the sub-products of digestion. Am I wrong?"
-Bob Kebap

I'm sorry, Bob, I'm just having such a hearty laugh at your sophisticated Noel Coward-like charm I can't focus on your medical problems. That's handy since I sincerely hope you die.

Dear Doctor,
I sat on the toilet for a really long time, then pee came out of my butt. Whats should I do?

Borris, meet Bob Kebap. Bob, Borris. You might not cure each other but putting you both in the same place might end up saving someone a bullet or two.

If a dementia patient requests to be put in restraints, should we respect his wishes?"
-Chas. Bengston

In certain cases, yes. Was the meal this Dementia Patient bought you first class? Did you enjoy the movie? How many dates did you go on before he asked you to 'restrain' him? And isn't dating Dementia Patients great? They'll do anything.

I have a green spot on my left arm. It feels like a bruise, but I've never had one that was green. Could this have something to do with my weekly gasoline baths?

Well, it's not magic marker. Gasoline takes that right off. Beyond that, it's anybody's guess. Sorry, Tony.

Dear Doctor Bactine:
Hi! I've benn reading you since the beginning of your medical carreer. (rooom). Anyway. I ask, why does my brain hurt when I think about girls?

That isn't your brain and what you're doing can only be called 'thinking' in the loosest sense. Try using hand lotion and be less vigorous when 'thinking'. If that doesn't work, the vice grips will have to go.

Hi, I have a big prob. My left hand doesn't seem to exist and I'm a leftie. I'm failing in school. Help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

These things are often more subjective than you might at first imagine, FireKirbyz. For instance, this isn't a 'big problem' for me at all.

Doctor, I am very worried about you. You have been gone for such a long time. Perhaps you have gotten sick of listening to people complaining about their inane problems, thinking there is no possible way for you to help them, or to even help anyone. This is untrue. If you were not there as a forum for these people to throw their "problems" at, they may end up going to a real doctor, wasting valuable time on the part of the doctor, and money on the part of their insurance company. You are indeed a boon to medicine, and should keep up your good work.
-Bob Smith

Bite my Cheesewiz, Bob, you suck up, brown nose, honkey crapbasket.

I drank two bottles of nyquil, what will happen to me if i don't get medical attendtion?

Let me shoot Straight with you, LaShawn. Your Motor control is going to deteriorate. There's going to be a good deal a weight gain, almost certainly some sort of skin condition along the lines of boils. Your speech will be slurred and often without point and before long even those closest to you won't be able to look you in the eye as they wonder 'when, oh lord, when will this poor man die'. But it doesn't have a damn thing to do with the Nyquil, Lawshawn. It's just the kind of fella you are.

Lately, when I hang out with my chums, I have been mocked for the checkerboard growing on the side of my head. Is there something I can do to cure this?"

Oh, wait, I get it, you're Archie as in the comic book character. I can tell because you never, ever make me laugh, not even the least little bit.

how much chocolate does it take to kill a person?

It would be medically unethical of me to guess without empirical evidence. Where do you live?

The yard gnomes are watching me and everyday they get closer to my house! I'm so scared doctor Bactine! Please help!
-Grandma Octagon

First off, you're not my grandma. My grandma died at a monster truck rally back in '86. Damned shame too, she could really whip up a mean moonshine pie. Anyway, what was your question? Oh yeah, the yard gnomes. Just buy a few Raid brand traps and that'll catch those sonsabitches before they know what hit 'em.

Dear Doc,
Ive been experiencing some problems lately. Half a year ago it started, each time theres a full moon, i feel agonizing pain, can see fur sprouting on my arms and legs. My jaw changes, i feel fangs grow inside my mouth. After that everything is just a blur and i usually wake up in someones backyard naked surrounded by bones. Whats wrong with me? Do you think it might be coz i was bitten by the tame wolf Stimpy that runs around the forest here?
-Amadeus Mozart the 3rd

No Amadeus, I think you're just having trouble going through puberty. Suck it up and go buy some Oxypads and a leash for yourself, kid.

Why does milk go bad in the carton, but not in the cow?
-Ryan Kitchens

You know Ryan, I asked a cow that very same question once and you know what he told me? "MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMNED BUSINESS!"

My 17 month old son seems to whine constantly when he is with me. He does not whine when he is at daycare or when he is with just his father (so he says!). It really gets to be irritating after a while. What can I do to stop this behavior?
-Frustrated Mother in Westchester, NY

Your son whines because he wants to see his real daddy, the milkman, and not his pretend daddy, your husband. I suggest a threesome to resolve this issue once and for all.

Do you have a fresh appendix handy? I'm in the middle of a transplant procedure and no donors are available. Can I also get a script for morphine, if it's not much trouble, pal?
-Dr. Smythe

Oh sure, when you need something from me you big city doctors are all nice 'n civil... but where were you when I was dragged outta yer fancy hospitals by the police for borrowing all the pills I could get my hands on?

I recently purchased a time machine from a girlfried with herpes. Can I be infected from oral sex?
-Lance Spearman

No Lance, but watch out for Biff when you go back in time, because he's gonna steal your time machine, become rich, and give your mom big knockers. How do I know all this? Because I'm the Doc.

How are necrophiliacs treated?
-Brad Baldwin

Well I know a few areas where they're welcomed with open arms, but around here, "treatment" involves a gun and their temples.

how long should a person wait after eating to go swimming?

Darlene, the real question is how long should a person wait to eat after swimming? Answer me that!

why do you have hair on your toes? i mean really...i guess it would have to be because you have hair everywhere...but does it keep your toes warm? no. so why is it there...

It's for purely aesthetic purposes. Hell, I remember a time when a guy wouldn't even concider marryin himself a woman 'less she had a solid 2-feet of toe hair. Little known fact though - it doubles as a fairly strong fishing line. Caught me a 20lb sturgeon just the other week with it.

And that's all from the doctor this time around, hope it was nice 'n informative. We'd like to say he'll be back soon, but considering the Doc vanished for over a year last time, we'll be lucky to hear any signs of life from him ever again.

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