Archives - 1/14/04
DAWN OF A NEW ERA... OR WAS IT ENEMA?
Well, folks, it's been a goodly long time, but
the old Doctor is back ‘in'. I'd tell you what
I'd been up to that had kept me away from your
cards and letters, but then I'd have to kill
you. I'm kidding of course. I went on a bender
and am still trying to put together a paper
trail of how I got to Morocco. Along the way I
seem to have picked up a minor bullet wound
which is healing nicely thanks, a necklace made
from the vertabrae and skull of what I think is
a Ferret and a mute Arab boy named Mamdu who
according to the little English he can write is
my 'Bond Servant'. All very amusing when you
concider the last thing I can recall was
embarking on a weekend trip to Disneyworld. In
any eventuality, I'll answer some letters as
long as I'm here. That's what you pay me for.
I'm kidding gain. Bastards.
For years I have had constant stomach pains,
they are mostly in my upper chest doctors say
their is nothing wrong, everyday I take some
sort of antacid do you have any suggestions?
Sure, Lee. Firstly, I suggest you learn the
difference between your stomach and your upper
chest. Then get back to me if you don't die.
Hello you bastard. I know where you live. I know
what's your hobby. I know every tiny aspect of
your damned life you could think of. I'm going
to hung you up into the ceiling with your
intestines, then make you eat your bottle-like
head -- and not in an oral way. I will make a
pool of blood of your own and dance on it, with
you watching whilw slightly dying. You are
-Sneaky like a Ninja
Dear Sneaky; You know that show, Jeopardy, where
they ask you to 'phrase it as a question'? I'll
take 'Sad Little Masturbators for a Hundred' you
little freak. I'm a medical doctor, not some
penny ante kiddy shrink.
DOCTOR I CAN WALK IN THE WATER AND MULTIPLY
BREAD SLICES! WHAT IS HAPPENING????
Anyone can walk in water, JC. It's called
wading. If you couldn't, that might be a
problem. As for the multiplying bread slices,
it's abnormal. The good news is, I can treat a
My hamster escaped from the cage last night. He
found a container with the water, and he fell in
there. He was in the water (cold) for about 3-4
hours. I am afraid he will get sick now. Is
there anything I can do to prevent him from
I'm not a damn veterinarian. As long as the
Hamster is outside your body it's not my
problem. I don't have to spell this out for you,
I was getting undressed today, and I realized I
had a horn in the middle of my chest. I tried to
cut it with a chainsaw, but firey sparks jumped
everywhere and my head turned ablaze, leaving me
four-degree burns. What should I do?
Here's the thing, Scooter, it's been a while
since I was in med school, but back then there
were only three degrees of burns. Beyond that I
can only say dellusions are normal in Tertiary
Syphillis so there's nothing to be concerned
My sister is a slut with no musical talent. Is
there a cure for this?
Absolutely, 'Janie'. Kurt Cobain used it to cure
his wife. It's a little messy but she's gotten
Oscar Nominations ever since, so I think it
could be worth a try. PS. "All That" has hardly
been worth the old Doctor's 'private time' since
Amanda left the show. You know what I'm saying.
My friend is obsessed with chickens. How can I
make him hate chickens?
Become a chicken, Johnny I don't know what a
medical question is.
Every night I dream that a mutilated headless
donkey runs me over. How can I stop this?
This is more a psychological than medical
question, but I'll take a swing and say most
Truckers can recommend products to keep you from
sleeping ever again. Plus they love being asked.
I keep eating fast food because it makes me to
fart. I think it's better to fart than to take a
dump because that way, waste is expelled as gas
and not as a solid, being the first scenario a
more efficient and environmentally-friendlier
way for the body to eliminate the sub-products
of digestion. Am I wrong?"
I'm sorry, Bob, I'm just having such a hearty
laugh at your sophisticated Noel Coward-like
charm I can't focus on your medical problems.
That's handy since I sincerely hope you die.
I sat on the toilet for a really long time, then
pee came out of my butt. Whats should I do?
Borris, meet Bob Kebap. Bob, Borris. You might
not cure each other but putting you both in the
same place might end up saving someone a bullet
If a dementia patient requests to be put in
restraints, should we respect his wishes?"
In certain cases, yes. Was the meal this
Dementia Patient bought you first class? Did you
enjoy the movie? How many dates did you go on
before he asked you to 'restrain' him? And isn't
dating Dementia Patients great? They'll do
have a green spot on my left arm. It feels like
a bruise, but I've never had one that was green.
Could this have something to do with my weekly
Well, it's not magic marker. Gasoline takes that
right off. Beyond that, it's anybody's guess.
Dear Doctor Bactine:
Hi! I've benn reading you since the beginning of
your medical carreer. (rooom). Anyway. I ask,
why does my brain hurt when I think about girls?
That isn't your brain and what you're doing can
only be called 'thinking' in the loosest sense.
Try using hand lotion and be less vigorous when
'thinking'. If that doesn't work, the vice grips
will have to go.
Hi, I have a big prob. My left hand doesn't seem
to exist and I'm a leftie. I'm failing in
school. Help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
These things are often more subjective than you
might at first imagine, FireKirbyz. For
instance, this isn't a 'big problem' for me at
Doctor, I am very worried about you. You have
been gone for such a long time. Perhaps you have
gotten sick of listening to people complaining
about their inane problems, thinking there is no
possible way for you to help them, or to even
help anyone. This is untrue. If you were not
there as a forum for these people to throw their
"problems" at, they may end up going to a real
doctor, wasting valuable time on the part of the
doctor, and money on the part of their insurance
company. You are indeed a boon to medicine, and
should keep up your good work.
Bite my Cheesewiz, Bob, you suck up, brown nose,
I drank two bottles of nyquil, what will happen
to me if i don't get medical attendtion?
Let me shoot Straight with you, LaShawn. Your
Motor control is going to deteriorate. There's
going to be a good deal a weight gain, almost
certainly some sort of skin condition along the
lines of boils. Your speech will be slurred and
often without point and before long even those
closest to you won't be able to look you in the
eye as they wonder 'when, oh lord, when will
this poor man die'. But it doesn't have a damn
thing to do with the Nyquil, Lawshawn. It's just
the kind of fella you are.
Lately, when I hang out with my chums, I have
been mocked for the checkerboard growing on the
side of my head. Is there something I can do to
Oh, wait, I get it, you're Archie as in the
comic book character. I can tell because you
never, ever make me laugh, not even the least
how much chocolate does it take to kill a
It would be medically unethical of me to guess
without empirical evidence. Where do you live?
The yard gnomes are watching me and everyday
they get closer to my house! I'm so scared
doctor Bactine! Please help!
First off, you're not my grandma. My grandma
died at a monster truck rally back in '86.
Damned shame too, she could really whip up a
mean moonshine pie. Anyway, what was your
question? Oh yeah, the yard gnomes. Just buy a
few Raid brand traps and that'll catch those
sonsabitches before they know what hit 'em.
Ive been experiencing some problems lately. Half
a year ago it started, each time theres a full
moon, i feel agonizing pain, can see fur
sprouting on my arms and legs. My jaw changes, i
feel fangs grow inside my mouth. After that
everything is just a blur and i usually wake up
in someones backyard naked surrounded by bones.
Whats wrong with me? Do you think it might be
coz i was bitten by the tame wolf Stimpy that
runs around the forest here?
-Amadeus Mozart the 3rd
No Amadeus, I think you're just having trouble
going through puberty. Suck it up and go buy
some Oxypads and a leash for yourself, kid.
Why does milk go bad in the carton, but not in
You know Ryan, I asked a cow that very same
question once and you know what he told me?
"MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMNED BUSINESS!"
My 17 month old son seems to whine constantly
when he is with me. He does not whine when he is
at daycare or when he is with just his father
(so he says!). It really gets to be irritating
after a while. What can I do to stop this
-Frustrated Mother in Westchester, NY
Your son whines because he wants to see his real
daddy, the milkman, and not his pretend daddy,
your husband. I suggest a threesome to resolve
this issue once and for all.
you have a fresh appendix handy? I'm in the
middle of a transplant procedure and no donors
are available. Can I also get a script for
morphine, if it's not much trouble, pal?
sure, when you need something from me you big
city doctors are all nice 'n civil... but where
were you when I was dragged outta yer fancy
hospitals by the police for borrowing all
the pills I could get my hands on?
recently purchased a time machine from a
girlfried with herpes. Can I be infected from
Lance, but watch out for Biff when you go back
in time, because he's gonna steal your time
machine, become rich, and give your mom big
knockers. How do I know all this? Because I'm
How are necrophiliacs treated?
Well I know a few areas where they're welcomed
with open arms, but around here, "treatment"
involves a gun and their temples.
how long should a person wait after eating to go
Darlene, the real question is how long should a
person wait to eat after swimming? Answer me
why do you have hair on your toes? i mean
really...i guess it would have to be because you
have hair everywhere...but does it keep your
toes warm? no. so why is it there...
It's for purely aesthetic purposes. Hell, I
remember a time when a guy wouldn't even
concider marryin himself a woman 'less she had a
solid 2-feet of toe hair. Little known fact
though - it doubles as a fairly strong fishing
line. Caught me a 20lb sturgeon just the other
week with it.
And that's all from the doctor this time around,
hope it was nice 'n informative. We'd like to
say he'll be back soon, but considering the Doc
vanished for over a year last time, we'll be
lucky to hear any signs of life from him ever