Archives - 1/23/02
My. My, my, the good Dr.ís been avoiding you
people for quite some time. And itís been nice.
But my practice has been slow lately which is
what happens when youíre in the Federal Witness
Protection Program, and your old Docís internet
membership fees are not what youíd call cheap,
as the more Ďspecificí a site is, the more they
know just the sort of barrel theyíve got you
over. SO! Your questions:
WHY AM I SO GODDAMNED FAT!!! AHHHHHHH!!!
This is a perfect example of the limitations
inherent in health advice via the Internet.
Thereís no way I
can answer your question without an office
visit. There are simply too many possibilities.
You could have a glandular condition or be
experiencing early stage diabetes. You may
suffer from Body Dysmorphia, a mental condition
wherein oneís self image no longer corresponds
with reality. In all likelihood, though, youíre
just another great human hippo lolling about in
your doublewide eating sacks of microwave
burritos and choco tacoís. Lay of the Yodels,
thatís my advice.
I've been on a diet of alcohol, donuts, alcohol,
and broccoli. Why do I feel so awful when I wake
up in the
morning? And why do my clothes keep
You are allergic to Broccoli. As far as the
clothes go, what am I, your frigginí tailor?
Unless itís a problem with your vision, in which
case, I should go on record as saying Iím not
your frigginí eye doctor.
what do you think i have? i'm always having pain
in my knees. Please what do you think it is.
Thereís been a lot of this going around. Youíre
kneeling on something sharp. Stand up, and more
importantly, move over a little before you kneel
The zombies are trying to kill me right now! How
long will it take for the LSD to wear off?
These are really unrelated questions, so let me
take them one at a time. The Zombies are NOT
trying to kill you. They are trying to make you
into a Zombie. Donít make the mistake I made
with the Jehovahís Witness folks. A lawyer who
can make self defense stick in a case like that
does not come cheaply. Luckily, Iím empowered to
write prescriptions, so everything turned out
all right in the end. Well. Except for those two
guys I killed. As for the LSD, it wears off in
about eight hours. Itís just that you never ever
again see the world the way you used to.
i seemed to have broken some glass and every
time i walk bare foot over it ther seems to be a
followed by a red liquid poring out of my foot
whats a matter wit it dok?
I consulted a Hispanic Physical therapist friend
of mine who says you should try walking on your
have this weird condition where everytime I try
to sleep I hear voices telling me to frame Julia
for murder. One time I tried, but they arrested
some guy named 'Ted'. What should I do? I've
tried everything from yelling at it in public to
holding my head and shaking violently, but
nothing works. Help me Doc!
-Billy Bob Bo Bob Frank
Iíve been known to joke, but I need to be
serious here. You have a mental illness, and it
needs to be
treated before it gets worse. I know this
carries with it an unfortunate stigma, but you
have to be brave
and get this seen to. Mental illness is no more
shameful, no more your fault than Scoliosis or
flat feet or a damn cold. Now you listen
to me, because you know in your heart what Iím
about to say is true. There is no such person as
boss is sick of smelling pot on my clothes.
There are many fine twelve-step programs and
support groups your boss can join to help him
stop smelling your clothes.
sometimes beside my house i hear explosions, i
also hear them when I'm pooing and when i go to
supermarket, Oh! sometimes I see some green
dressed guys chasing me. What the heck it's
wrong with me?
You know, Iím sorry, but I have a long-standing
policy in my practice. I donít treat or advise
people who write for Jay Leno.
grandson has strepp i tried everything now. The
doctor said he is being stubborn he is 20 months
it with food, milk, ice cream, juice soda but he
keep vomiting what do i do
I donít know who the hell this ĎDoctorí is, but
he sure as hell shouldnít be practicing
medicine. Vomiting is not a sign of
Ďstubbornnessí it is the body expelling toxins
and as a symptom it needs to be taken seriously.
I am concerned about your grandson, but I am
even more concerned about you, as you seem to
have decided this is an actual medical advice
column. But your letter came a month ago and
Iíve only just now gotten around to making fun
of it, so one way or another Iím guessing your
problem has by now worked itself out. My guess
is heís allergic to penicillin, and he was going
down hill pretty fast. At 20 months youíre short
enough that you donít have that far down hill to
Exactly why does your head there have a first
aid bottle in the place of a real head?
Iím surprised how many different readers have
asked this question. For the record, thatís just
a Ďlogoí. My head is not shaped like a bottle of
Bactine Brand First Aid Spray. The folks who
sponsor this page just thought that might be
cute on account of my surname being the same as
the aforementioned product. My real head is
shaped like bottle of Milk of Magnesia.
I had a friend shave my head and he found the
number 666 on my bald cranium, is this a
because she wont talk to me anymore and if it is
how do i cure it?
This common mistake was caused by the fact that
when your Ďfriendí finished the job she was
standing behind you. Tell her to come around
front and sheíll see itís actually 999. Youíll
both have a good laugh and then you can
kill her and wear her corpse like a fur coat.
Were you aware that there is an "s" in
Nietzsche's last name?
Thatís not really medical question is it,
Professor Smart Guy?
Excuse me sir, can you direct me to Bunker Hill
-Lost in MA.
Hello. I have the mad cow disease, malaria, the
black and white plague, a brain tumor, numerous
ulcers, diabetes, ten kinds of cancer and
schitzophrenia (not to mention hypocrondia). Is
there hope for me?
-The Spiffy Duck
Thereís always hope. Mt. Hope! Get it? Get it?
ĎCause, see, Mt. Hope is the name of this famous
cemetery, andÖ andÖ ah, screw it. No. And stay
the hell away from me. Iíll get a court order if
I have to.
(earlier) question was very real and not at all
prurient! But I have a new question now. My cat
continually biting my nipples is getting to be
very annoying, and is starting to make them
constantly sore. Is there anything you can
recommend to keep him from doing it?
Iím sorry, I mistook your last inquiry for a
joke, which was odd, as it wasnít in the least
could try putting Tabasco sauce on your nipples,
or keeping them in a sealed Tupperware
container. If this doesnít work, the next time
your cat does it, hit him on the nose with a
newspaper, but first roll the
paper around a hammer. Just repeat the procedure
until he stops, and then clean up.
I am suffering from flawless typing. I canít
make a single mistake even if I try. Everything
I type is spelled correctly and I never forget
to capitalize. Is there something wrong with me?
Am I a monster?
If you mean ĎMonsterí in the truly medical
sense, then of course not, no. If, however you
meant Ďmonsterí like Pol Pot or Hitler, yes.
an arthritis sufferer and have more problems
than usual during the winter, which I am
guessing is because of the cold, the increase in
moisture or both. Any ideas on how to keep these
bad joints of mine from turning me into a bed
bum this Christmas?
Really dropped the ball on this one, didnít I?
Unless you meant next Christmas in which case
Iím early. In either case, the best way to
keep from being a bed Ďbumí is to charge the
going rate for your services. And remember,
kissing is extra.
Hey Doc. Ok, so check this out: I just walked
home in the rain on a drug enduced trip and I
decided I wanted to eat Vanilla Icecream with
A-1 steak sauce and some of that "Dark Chocolate
Shell" stuff. So not I'm naked, alone, and the
people next door are having sex. Just in case my
question isn't blatantly obvious by now I'll
just ask it already... Why does my pediatrician
keep making me turn my head and cough?
Iím sure youíve heard this over and over from
your parents, teachers, your Pastor. Now youíll
hear it from me. That man is not a pediatrician.
Dr....Do human taste buds require a certain
amount of air (oxygen) to function to the full
ability? Would less air/oxygen keep them from
What do I look like, a frigginí Magic Eight
wanking bad for your health?
That depends, is what you were wanking diseased?
Isn't "Triptofan" supposed to be spelled "tryptophan"?
Iím sorry, I must have missed where I said I was
looking for a Scrabble Dictionary. If you have
any other complaints about spelling, layout or
grammar in my column, take them to my editor or
the webmaster, and be sure to include your name
and address as both these guys do the site as
part of a work release program and they donít
get the kind of exercise they used to when they
were in the joint full time.
its me again... How much wood would a woodchuck
chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
I might know, if I was a veterinarian, but itís
probably a factor of how much Jerk a Jerk, Jerk,
Jerks, you great big god damn Jerk.
was driving my car and I dropped the built-in
cigarette lighter onto the seat. The entire car
and myself were set ablaze and now everything I
eat tastes like it's burnt. Are my taste buds
-Fried and Frustrated
Everything tastes burnt eh? I wouldn't worry too
much about it. My wife's cooking gives me the
same exact symptoms that you're suffering from.
got my hand stuck in a can of Pringles. Help!
I may be old, but even I have seen the
hand-stuck-in-the-Pringles-can scene from the
movie "Clerks". Get some friggin' originality
for once and write me back when you have a REAL
Doc, my alarm clock keeps waking me up every
single morning! Why won't it leave me
It won't leave you alone because it's trying to
help you. Just like every other person around
you, it sees you as a lazy, unemployed, hopeless
bastard that refuses to go out and get a damned
job. You shouldn't be mad at that clock, you
should take it out to dinner. And no, I don't
mean that literally.
tried these new Listerine "fresh breath" strips
and it felt like my intestines were melting.
What's wrong with me!?
There's nothing wrong with you. It has been
scientifically proven that the only way to get
100% true fresh breath is to melt away the main
source of "stink" in your body. And yes, that
would be your intestines. Also, for the record,
if those Listerine strips don't do the trick,
try a thermite enema.
mom and dad don't love each other anymore.
-Little Billy Samson
Divorce can be a very hard time for kids. I
should know. My kids won't even talk to me
anymore after my wife and I split up. But it
wasn't my fault! I caught her cheatin' on me
with another man! Well sure, she did find me in
the barn one night having my way with a pig, but
I was totally drunk and I thought it was her! So
I wasn't really cheatin' on her! DAMNIT EDNA! I
WASN'T CHEATING ON YOU! ARE YOU READING THIS? I
WASN'T CHEATING! AND NO, YOU CAN'T HAVE THE
TRACTOR! I'LL DIE BEFORE I LET YOU AND YOUR
FANCY LAWYERS TAKE MY LAND AND MY TRACTOR! OH
YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST MARRY ME, DIVORCE ME, AND
TAKE EVERYTHING I'VE SLAVED FOR ALL THESE
YEARS?? WELL YOU'VE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING,
EDNA! YOU'VE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING! YOU COME
ON OVER HERE WITH THEM LAWYERS AND WE'LL ALL SIT
DOWN AND HAVE A CHAT WITH "MR. SHOTGUN"! YOU
HEAR THAT EDNA??? WHERE'S MY VODKA...
good doctor hopes all of you are enjoying the
new year. And to all of you that have been
suffering from frostbite this winter season, he
hopes you've learned your lesson. Stop humping
the goddamned snowmen for a change!