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Archives - 11/28/01

Well, thanksgiving has come and gone, and since I know someoneís gonna ask, Iím gonna open by reprinting one I get every year around now.

Whatís that stuff in Turkey that makes you so sleepy?

Well, Curious (and everyone else) if youíre on good terms with your spouse, itís called Triptofan. If not, and I canít stress this enough, call your poison control center immediately.

This is a time to think about what youíre thankful for, and personally Iím thankful I put off the mailbag for so long, because honestly, you folks with your masturbation questions, your butt questions, your sex questions, just depress the hell out of me. That and the six or seven people who think pretending to be Britney Spears constitutes humor. If I knew the answers to your so called Ďquestions; Iíd put a bullet in my head, which now that I think about it, is sound medical advice for all your problems, or at least mine. So, having weeded out the obviously fake and prurient questions, Iím moving on to your run of the mill, whiny ass "This hurts, that hurts". If anyone had told me in Med School how much you sick folks complain, Iíd have gone into siding.

Dear Doctor B.
I had an incidence where my left eye seems to see cracked glass, this lasted about 20 minutes. I went to see my eye Dr. because I have glculoma , but he said nothing was wrong with my. Everything was good , the pressure and all. So I didn`t relate this promblem to him but I had another incidence, and was wondering what could be wrong??????

Iím gonna say itís your glasses. And Iím going to say it loud and slow so youíll have a chance of understanding.

I'm very poor, does this mean that I will get sick and die?
-Book Gun

Not necessarily. You could get hit by a bus or murdered.

every time i pull my ear one of my teeth falls out. why is this, and is there a cream for it?

Yes, we in the medical profession call it Ďstop-pulling-on-your-damn-ear Cream" Iíll write you prescription.

Hi Dotor. I lost all my teeth from smoking crack. Now no one wants to hire me - not even for a supermarket cart boy. Am I deemed a loser?

You have obviously not filled out an application at any of the supermarkets in my neighborhood. And donít call me Dotor.

i seem to be suffering from a wasting disease, my skin is slowly shrivelling and my hair is now dry and brittle, what kind of body cream would you recommend, to combat this?

What the hell is it with you people and Cream? You need an extensive body of diagnostic tests, including but not limited to blood work, EKG, urinalysis and an MRI. Unless you donít have any insurance in which case Iím gonna say Vaseline or barring that any kind of petroleum jelly.

I'm dead... can you recommend anything?

Nobodyís Nietzche when youíre down and out. Iím recommending Burial, but if cremation is more up your street, I can write you a referral.

Whenever the phone rings, my anus expands and takes the shape of Don Rickles. What should I do to stop this? Should I even stop this?

Thereís two ways to approach a problem like this. You could get your phone disconected, or make tape loop of the ring and start booking your ass into clubs.

How many licks does it kill a 70 pound yak? Be honest Doc, I can take it.

If this is a serious medical issue, than you are a Yak. I, however, am not a Vetranarian no matter how many times you lick me.

I got small feet, how do i make them bigger?

If you bend down, theyíll look bigger. If you like the way that looks, just drop something real heavy on them, and when the swelling goes down, do it again as necessary.

Hey Doc, my problem is I'm fat, and im too lazy to do exercises, WHAT THE HELL CAN I DO?? (that isn't exercises or a diet).
-Hairy fat bastard

Make a lot of money. Hell, make enough and Iíll be interested. Call me.

I think my hand is possessed. Whenever I'm out with this one friend of mine, it keeps hitting him, giving him the finger, and trying to strangle him. What should I do? Is it my friend's problem or mine? Should I let the hand kill him?

Your hand has no volition of itís own. Possession is an outdated, perverse superstition. In all likelihood you are mentally ill, and need medical treatment. Unless itís an Alien implant of some kind, or you are a robot who has forgotten he is a robot. In either of those cases, you are screwed. Finally, do what you want. You will anyway.

My hat doesn't fit, my hair hurts, my tounge is turning green and im grwing an ekstra head. Whats wrong with me?
-Ill guy

Youíre a lousy typist.

Doc, I was eating some large pretzel rods but I forgot to chew one of them. Now it is lodged in my throat and I'm having difficulty breathing. What should I do?
-Forgot To Chew

What you need to do is digest that pretzel rod, but since there aren't stomach acids in your throat where the pretzel rod is stuck, you're gonna have to find a way to get some acids in there. So, do whatever it takes to induce vomiting so that your stomach acids move up into your throat. But don't let the vomit out! Hold that vomit in until the pretzel in your throat has been completely digested.

Mr. Bactine, I've been listening to the song "Rocky Mountain High" for 5 years straight. All I want to do now is eat granola. Nothing but barrels and barrels of pure granola. Can you cure me?

First off it's "Dr." Bactine, not "Mr." Bactine. I didn't go through 1 week of community college just so that every schmuck could call me "Mr." Bactine. Anyway, I'm afraid the only viable cure to your granola fetish is death. Fortunately, there are MANY ways that you can kill yourself. While you're at it, take out some other John Denver fans with you.

Help me. I'm 62 years old and I want to be known as a sex symbol. Sean Connery is an old geezer, but he's still considered sexy. What can I do!?

What can you do? Unless you can speak in a smooth S cottish accent that makes women drop to their knees, chances are you won't be known as a sex symbol like Connery. Furthermore, most sex symbols don't have to wear a "drool cup", due to an inability to control their saliva flow. So I suggest working on that problem as well.

Is it true that bugs get caught in the chocolate at candy factories and people who buy chocolate bars end up actually eating bug parts? That's so nasty!

Hey, bug parts are much healthier than chocolate. Furthermore, it's also well known that semen somehow finds its way into most fettuccini alfredo dishes. And the list goes on and on. So the reality is, chocolate should be the LEAST of your concerns.

The good doctor hopes all of you have a good holiday, and if the Egg Nog smells funky, drink it anyway. After a few chugs of the stuff you won't be able to spell your name, let alone worry about what was in the Egg Nog.

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