thanksgiving has come and gone, and since I know
someoneís gonna ask, Iím gonna open by
reprinting one I get every year around now.
Whatís that stuff in Turkey that makes you so
Curious (and everyone else) if youíre on good
terms with your spouse, itís called Triptofan.
If not, and I canít stress this enough, call
your poison control center immediately.
This is a time to think about what youíre
thankful for, and personally Iím thankful I put
off the mailbag for so long, because honestly, you
folks with your masturbation questions, your butt
questions, your sex questions, just depress the
hell out of me. That and the six or seven people
who think pretending to be Britney Spears
constitutes humor. If I knew the answers to your
so called Ďquestions; Iíd put a bullet in my
head, which now that I think about it, is sound
medical advice for all your problems, or at least
mine. So, having weeded out the obviously fake and
prurient questions, Iím moving on to your run of
the mill, whiny ass "This hurts, that
hurts". If anyone had told me in Med School
how much you sick folks complain, Iíd have gone
I had an incidence where my left eye seems to see
cracked glass, this lasted about 20 minutes. I
went to see my eye Dr. because I have glculoma ,
but he said nothing was wrong with my. Everything
was good , the pressure and all. So I didn`t
relate this promblem to him but I had another
incidence, and was wondering what could be
gonna say itís your glasses. And Iím going to
say it loud and slow so youíll have a chance of
I'm very poor, does this mean that I will get sick
necessarily. You could get hit by a bus or
time i pull my ear one of my teeth falls out. why
is this, and is there a cream for it?
we in the medical profession call it
Iíll write you prescription.
Dotor. I lost all my teeth from smoking crack. Now
no one wants to hire me - not even for a
supermarket cart boy. Am I deemed a loser?
have obviously not filled out an application at
any of the supermarkets in my neighborhood. And
donít call me Dotor.
seem to be suffering from a wasting disease, my
skin is slowly shrivelling and my hair is now dry
and brittle, what kind of body cream would you
recommend, to combat this?
the hell is it with you people and Cream? You need
an extensive body of diagnostic tests, including
but not limited to blood work, EKG, urinalysis and
an MRI. Unless you donít have any insurance in
which case Iím gonna say Vaseline or barring
that any kind of petroleum jelly.
dead... can you recommend anything?
Nietzche when youíre down and out. Iím
recommending Burial, but if cremation is more up
your street, I can write you a referral.
the phone rings, my anus expands and takes the
shape of Don Rickles. What should I do to stop
this? Should I even stop this?
two ways to approach a problem like this. You
could get your phone disconected, or make tape
loop of the ring and start booking your ass into
many licks does it
take............................to kill a 70 pound
yak? Be honest Doc, I can take it.
this is a serious medical issue, than you are a
Yak. I, however, am not a Vetranarian no matter
how many times you lick me.
got small feet, how do i make them bigger?
you bend down, theyíll look bigger. If you like
the way that looks, just drop something real heavy
on them, and when the swelling goes down, do it
again as necessary.
Doc, my problem is I'm fat, and im too lazy to do
exercises, WHAT THE HELL CAN I DO?? (that isn't
exercises or a diet).
-Hairy fat bastard
a lot of money. Hell, make enough and Iíll be
interested. Call me.
think my hand is possessed. Whenever I'm out with
this one friend of mine, it keeps hitting him,
giving him the finger, and trying to strangle him.
What should I do? Is it my friend's problem or
mine? Should I let the hand kill him?
hand has no volition of itís own. Possession is
an outdated, perverse superstition. In all
likelihood you are mentally ill, and need medical
treatment. Unless itís an Alien implant of some
kind, or you are a robot who has forgotten he is a
robot. In either of those cases, you are screwed.
Finally, do what you want. You will anyway.
hat doesn't fit, my hair hurts, my tounge is
turning green and im grwing an ekstra head. Whats
wrong with me?
a lousy typist.
I was eating some large pretzel rods but I forgot
to chew one of them. Now it is lodged in my throat
and I'm having difficulty breathing. What should I
-Forgot To Chew
you need to do is digest that pretzel rod, but
since there aren't stomach acids in your throat
where the pretzel rod is stuck, you're gonna have
to find a way to get some acids in there. So, do
whatever it takes to induce vomiting so that your
stomach acids move up into your throat. But don't
let the vomit out! Hold that vomit in until the
pretzel in your throat has been completely
Bactine, I've been listening to the song
"Rocky Mountain High" for 5 years
straight. All I want to do now is eat granola.
Nothing but barrels and barrels of pure granola.
Can you cure me?
off it's "Dr." Bactine, not
"Mr." Bactine. I didn't go through 1
week of community college just so that every
schmuck could call me "Mr." Bactine.
Anyway, I'm afraid the only viable cure to your
granola fetish is death. Fortunately, there are
MANY ways that you can kill yourself. While you're
at it, take out some other John Denver fans with
me. I'm 62 years old and I want to be known as a
sex symbol. Sean Connery is an old geezer, but
he's still considered sexy. What can I do!?
can you do? Unless you can speak in a smooth S
cottish accent that makes women drop to their
knees, chances are you won't be known as a sex
symbol like Connery. Furthermore, most sex symbols
don't have to wear a "drool cup", due to
an inability to control their saliva flow. So I
suggest working on that problem as well.
it true that bugs get caught in the chocolate at
candy factories and people who buy chocolate bars
end up actually eating bug parts? That's so nasty!
bug parts are much healthier than chocolate.
Furthermore, it's also well known that semen
somehow finds its way into most fettuccini alfredo
dishes. And the list goes on and on. So the
reality is, chocolate should be the LEAST of your
good doctor hopes all of you have a good holiday,
and if the Egg Nog smells funky, drink it anyway.
After a few chugs of the stuff you won't be able
to spell your name, let alone worry about what was
in the Egg Nog.